terror and destruction

Butt-Licking Contractors Fired, From Afghanistan

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Someone ate corn last nightIt’s more better news for the American national interest! You may remember the above devils from earlier this year, from the ArmorGroup North America mercenary firm operating in Kabul, where they were protecting the United States embassy under a 5-year $189 million contract. These bros weren’t doing so much “guarding” as they were drinking poop-tinted vodka from each other’s butts using each other’s poop as “salsa” for their potato chips, as well as wandering around Kabul naked with assault weapons. Now that contract has been canceled, and we’re sure the folks from the replacement contracting firm will be real gentlemen. [Mother Jones]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Bearbloke

    So, now they’re all free to accept senior consulting positions at RNC headquarters?
    USA!! USA!! USA!!1! USA!!!

  • chascates

    Soon to be employed in Pakistan.

  • Extemporanus

    “The State Department spokesman said ArmorGroup stayed the night with Secretary Clinton, and when it woke up it gave her a kiss and said, ‘You should have said greenbacks.’ ArmorGroup left the U.S. Embassy and had not returned to collect its keg deposit,” Lash added.

  • trondant

    So Hillary’s not gonna do a shot with these Real Amuricuns?

  • Come here a minute

    Fortunately they are stimulating the economy by opening a microdistillery of ass-crack vodka.

    (I fear this is the last time I may be able to use the phrase “ass-crack vodka”.)

  • ManchuCandidate

    In 2009 a “crack” security company was sent into exile by the State Dept for crimes they photographed and posted on the net. These men promptly ejected from a maximum security contract to well deserved financial ruin. Today, not wanted by the government, they survive as mall security. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the Poop-Team.

  • Carson

    Tonight on The Factor: The war on Butt-Licking Contractors!

  • Terry

    The company will just dissolve and reform with a new name and get the contract back.

  • Colander

    “The report said supervisors held near-weekly parties in which they urinated on themselves and others, drank vodka poured off each other’s exposed buttocks, fondled and kissed one another and gallivanted around virtually nude. Photos and video of the escapades were released with the POGO investigation.”

    It’s like 300, only realistic.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=474295]ManchuCandidate[/re]: ha

  • chascates

    Butt-lickers, ass-kissers; contractors are WAAAY better than actual trained U.S. uniformed troops.

  • teebob2000

    Best. Alt-text. Evah.

  • Sussemilch

    I never knew USA stood for “Up Someone’s Ass.” Thank you for the education, ArmorGroup.

  • RobPetrified

    “Don’t ask, don’t tell. Remember that?”
    “OK, ashole, who told!”
    “And you guys said>/i> the camera was BROKEN!”
    “My PARENTS are going to see this!”

  • facehead

    Damn. Now who are we gonna get to lick each other’s bungholes in Kabul?

  • Colander

    I thought only gay people thought about doing gay stuff? My pastor has some ‘splainin to do…

  • you cannot be serious

    The A-rabs have one thing right: robes are excellent attire for this sort of activity.

    Green Balloons. Also.

  • trondant

    [re=474296]Carson[/re]: I hope O’Rielly gives these guys a thorough tongue-lashing.

  • proudgrampa

    [re=474301]teebob2000[/re]: That made me gag…

  • Radiotherapy

    These brave American Paul Reveres don’t need a safe word.
    Butt it would be funny if their safe word was ACORNZ.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What was amazing to me is that this group kept their assignment there for so long after this debauchery was made public. And then I realized this obviously wasn’t anything serious that needed to be handled immediately — like, for instance, telling an obviously fake pimp how to smuggle children out of El Salvador.

  • proudgrampa

    Speaking of butts, doesn’t that pic of Palin look like someone’s jamming a stick up hers???

  • Radiotherapy

    Is this that Tea Bagger Party they keep talking about?

  • thefrontpage

    According to recent filings with the SEC and the State Department, ArmorGroup has been hired for security and protection for the RNC Headquarters, Smith Point, Late Night Shots, the C Street House, and the Heritage Foundation.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=474291]Come here a minute[/re]: Drink Cracker Ass Ass-Crack® vodka!

    It will literally get your cracker ass shitfaced, cracker!

  • loquaciousmusic

    Didn’t one of you think that the guy on the right was hot? At least from the back? Or is that the only thing that matters? I’m so confused.

  • depraved indifference engine

    Xe whiz!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    But if we can’t ship our closeted gay Sado-Masochist to Afghanistan, what the hell can we do with them?

  • V572625694

    Ya know, the guys who wear uniforms and go to Iraq or Afghanistan aren’t paid very well, and most of the skills the Army and Marine Corps teach them don’t have civilian applications, despite what the recruiter says. They aren’t angels, but they’re not as bad as these jerkwads, and at least they can say, “I served my country,” with the emphasis on “service.” What are these guys going to tell their grandchildren they did in the war?

    Oh, yeah: trucknutz, butt sechs, etc…

  • Georgia Burning

    [re=474342]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: elect them to Congress

  • Jukesgrrl

    What entity is protecting these men from identification? Even their tattoos are smudged. They were not being forced to participate in this debachery, unlike tortured prisoners. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not enough to identify and/or fire the ArmorGroup. These individuals were being well-paid with tax dollars and should be unmasked and held up for the ridicule they deserve personally. Unlike the many members of this Website who undoubtedly do the same, but on their own dime.

  • Stoned

    If their looking to have grandchildren I think they’re doing it wrong. :-)

  • slappypaddy

    i don’t want to walk or talk about jesus,
    i just want to see his face.

  • RobPetrified

    Tattoos smudged?
    I really thought that was “bear hair.”
    As in…
    OK, I don’t have to explain stuff here.
    For a moment, I forgot where I was snarking.

  • Scandalabra

    I ate poodle poo once, but that was for an art film.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=474353]Georgia Burning[/re]: Don’t we already have enough Republicans?

  • Mr Blifil

    I wonder what these guys do when they get bored?

  • mollymcguire

    I would do anything for love, but I won’t do THAT!!

    I need to powerwash my eyes.

  • zhubajie

    So what will these guys do for a living now? Or is it back to prison? Maybe Genl. Butt-Naked can be persuaded to come out of retirement, hire these people for a NEW MERCENARY COMPANY! The Genl. has been an evangelist of late, so only born-again naked perverts would be allowed.

  • zhubajie

    [re=474298]Colander[/re]: The Spartans didn’t have vodka, and they did know how to fight.

  • Country Club Jihadi

    [re=474291]Come here a minute[/re]: Absolut Asshole®

  • rottenart

    @depraved indifference engine: Well played.

  • loquaciousmusic

    As a wise man once said, “I said what, what, in the butt!”

  • Avetre

    I can haz unicorn chaser? Seriously.

    Brain bleach, then?

  • Neilist

    I’m the guy standing on the left, peeing on the back of the kneeling guy in the middle.

    Just in case you were wondering, I mean.

    WOLVER . . . No, wait, I changed that . . . .


  • BeWoot

    Seems only fair these guys lost their jobs. I’m unemployed and I never even got to suck liquor off some fat bastards ugly hairy ass.

  • Georgia Burning

    [re=474365]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: buh-du-dump! pssssh!

  • antiochus

    bush n cheney now their bastard offspring obama,are in the afghan plains to bring freedom,democracy and a kind of crack male anal fraternity.
    the taliban do not seem understand how important it is for us free peoples to keep are marines bumcleftsclean.
    in the american military r and r is vital,and holesome.
    you cannot comment about this until you have sampled a gitmo special.
    2 shots of Patraeus juice 1 shot McChrystal essence,slice lemon a trickle of vodka and a splash of obamas trust me i’m not like dat honkey cheney serum.

  • Country Club Jihadi

    Grand Mariner Rim Jobs are so much classier.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    Tsk, tsk. Don’t these young wags know they’re only supposed to piss on prisoners and grope civilians?

    I am shocked, I say shocked by this appalling deviation from approved mercenary practices.

    (Seriously are there any Hashers here? Doesn’t this sound like a Hash that got a wee bit out of hand?)

  • AKAM80TheWolf


    I concur in the finding and in the opinion. IT IS SO ORDERED.

  • FlownOver

    They should have said “Green balloons!”

  • AKAM80TheWolf


    Bull! I don’t see your gu… oh wait.

  • Redhead

    Not to be vulgar, but… click the mother jones link and look at the pictures. Shouldn’t their dicks be kinda hanging below the coconuts, at least a little? How small ARE these guys? geez.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    Or maybe they thought Vladimir & the Beast was a series of instructions.

  • CanadianBacon

    I believe this is the don’t ask don’t tell part of the Bush Doctrine.

  • Lefty Lucy


  • Bearbloke

    [re=474431]Hunger Tallest Palin[/re]: Hey mate – what happens in the Hash House stays in the Hash House… now drink, ya lousy bastard…

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=474441]Hunger Tallest Palin[/re]: If were going with some weird and horrible interpretation of No Exit, I’m down.

  • zhubajie

    [re=474286]Extemporanus[/re]: So an army has been through her bed?

  • zhubajie

    [re=474307]facehead[/re]: Probably all the other mercenaries are doing it too!

  • Mr Blifil

    That picture was decidedly NSFW, to say nothing of safe for sanity. Rather than pixellate and block various features you should have simply given them all Trig heads.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    I told them not to put Larry Craig in charge of Human Resources.

  • zhubajie

    [re=474307]facehead[/re]: Probably all the other mercenaries are doing it too![re=474306]RobPetrified[/re]: I can’t understand why so many fools everywhere are photo-ing/videoing themselves doing things which are embarrassing or criminal, then posting the photos/videos to the Net! It’s not just these shi*t-h**dss, it’s whole boatloads of people all over the place. How retarded IS the average person??

  • LowerdPeninsula

    White people are funny. These are not the kind of “pranks” my people play, no siree.

    This, folks, is the pinnacle of Western Civilization. Remember that. Whenever someone says they hate us for our freedom, just show them this picture, or say “you had me at green balloons.”

  • zhubajie

    [re=474347]V572625694[/re]: Unfortunately, their grandchildren will come from the bastards whom they will leave behind.

  • zhubajie

    “in the american military r and r is vital,and holesome.”

    Well, I wondered what had replaced “Pubic” Bay or Bangkok. So this is the next step in sex tourism?

  • zhubajie

    [re=474354]Jukesgrrl[/re]: How long before they’re on Jerry Springer?

  • zhubajie

    [re=474366]Mr Blifil[/re]: Afghan heroin, what else?

  • zhubajie

    [re=474466]Mr Blifil[/re]: Probably their tattoos are more distinctive than their faces.

  • zhubajie

    So, when they fill out their unemployment forms in Bumf**k, AR or wherever, what will they say? “Fired from Armor Group Mercenary Army for Getting Caught Drinking Vodka from the Top Sergeant’s butt”? Can they get unemployment in the US? Or do they just go straight to the homeless shelter?

  • zhubajie

    We used to say that USMC stood for Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children. What do we say about these guys?

  • LowerdPeninsula

    1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 in a row. Got any more?

  • Buttery1000

    Why pay more for yr doo doo buttz when you can privatize them?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Lordy. CANNOT UNSEE.

  • alkybookworm

    Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Gigantic man-boobs and a beer gut that could serve as a flotation device.

    ‘Way hot.

  • thesheriffisnear

    Here they come to save the muthafuckin’ day!!!

  • thefrontpage


  • Rusty Shackleford

    Mmmm, butt crack vodka, lovingly made with penis swizzle sticks. And the special ingredient is man-love!

  • Bruno

    Ehh, whatever company got the new contract is certainly looking for ‘experienced’ guards. Preferably those willing to go for weekend tryout excusions with their superiors.

  • Dolmance

    It’s a sin to put your tongue in a Republican’s ass.