the greatest time of all

Great Places To Shop For War On Xmas 2009: Dollar Stores In Portland

West Coast Xmas warrior operative “Katrina” sends this photo from a fancy dollar store in Portland, Oregon, which just so happens to be the epicenter of the entire War on Christmas. Here we have all the greatest gifts for children and adults and robots alike, and all for one dollar: stacks of Lou Dobbs’ book, 48 crayons, and the Bible on CD. (The Bible on CD is just code for “Porn on Blu Ray,” is the key!)

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. pondscum

    Wait a minute. Those aren’t real crayons. Those crayons would make baby jeebus cry. As would Lou Dobbs.

  2. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=474084]Georgia Burning[/re]: Mebbe so, but his book jacket is proudly embossed with “Hecho en Mexico.”

  3. Texan Bulldoggette

    The Bible on CD is just a buck? They really are a bunch of heathens in the Pacific NW. Here in TX, that sucker would cost $24.95 or more. Guess which state is going to get raptured first!

  4. iwillsavethispatient

    I ain’t using those new-fangled MP3s, if CDs were good enough for Jesus, they’re good enough for me.

  5. you cannot be serious

    La Guerra en la Navidad is making Lou angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry.


    I’ll just stick with the toilet paper, thank you. Cheaper and less chance of paper cuts.

  7. Mahousu

    [re=474082]Can O Whoopass[/re]: I don’t know about the gas, but I can guarantee those crayons are fully leaded.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Don’t worry Lou — I’m sure George Wallace’s books spent a long time on the cheap shelf after he renounced racism, too.

  9. Come here a minute

    From the first page:

    I cannot imagine what the men who wrote these words would think of America today:

    We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.

    I don’t know about you, but I haven’t consented to much of what government has done in the past twenty years.

    Well Lou, the next sentence of that great document (the Gettysburg Constitution) says, “That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it,” so grab your musket or STFU.

    I don’t know about Lou, but I have voted and abided by the results for the last twenty years.

  10. dijetlo

    epicenter of the entire War on Christmas

    Somehow I imagined the epicenter would be nearer the Republican National Headquarters on the North Pole, right next to Santa’s workshop and “Chewies Pullo Ranchero and Fapatorium” where the RNC leadership and all the geh elves meet to plot their counter offensive.

  11. Extemporanus



  12. Jukesgrrl

    I was assigned to bring the gag gift to the local Democratic Club’s War-on-Christmas party last year. I spent $6 at the Dollar Store and made a fancy gift basket out of this stuff. Everyone thought it was hilarious, but not-so-surprisingly, no one would take it home. I got stuck with it, but it’s all good since Granny and I burned it for heat when we couldn’t pay the electric bill in January. That Bible CD sure did smell funny in the fire, though, and now we think we have some kind of lung disease that will make us prime candidates for the Death Panel.

  13. chaste everywhere

    [re=474133]El Pinche[/re]: Is that why the cover-picture of Lou is in such soft focus it makes Penthouse look high-rez?

  14. rottenart


    DO SuM REAL RESEARCH!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!!111111111111
    I pREY 4 U!!!!!!!111111!!!!!23456…


  15. SmutBoffin

    Shit, I moved here to Portland just three months ago. NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A WAR GOING ON. (Huddles in corner with dollar-store scissors held menacingly, giving wary glances at any passers-by.)

  16. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=474180]SmutBoffin[/re]: And the only jobs left are at the Acropolis, and everyone hates you on account of your California plates, but they’ll rarely tell you to your face because Portland’s cool like that.

  17. Scarab

    Shit, I just bought the Bible on 8-track. Well at least I know the CD format will be around forever.

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