THE GREATEST TIME OF ALL  2:41 pm December 8, 2009

Great Places To Shop For War On Xmas 2009: Dollar Stores In Portland

by Jim Newell

West Coast Xmas warrior operative “Katrina” sends this photo from a fancy dollar store in Portland, Oregon, which just so happens to be the epicenter of the entire War on Christmas. Here we have all the greatest gifts for children and adults and robots alike, and all for one dollar: stacks of Lou Dobbs’ book, 48 crayons, and the Bible on CD. (The Bible on CD is just code for “Porn on Blu Ray,” is the key!)

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Gopherit December 8, 2009 at 2:45 pm

The crayons would be way more useful in Palin’s coloring book.

Sussemilch December 8, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Hey, that’s Bargain President Lou Dobbs to you.

Mr Blifil December 8, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Shit, robots, right…I haven’t even begun to shop for my Predator Drone this year.

Monsieur Grumpe December 8, 2009 at 2:47 pm

And it’s still over priced.

pondscum December 8, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Wait a minute. Those aren’t real crayons. Those crayons would make baby jeebus cry. As would Lou Dobbs.

Carson December 8, 2009 at 2:50 pm

War on The Middle Class? That’s about the eight years of Bush/Cheney, right, Lou? Lou? Hello?

Can O Whoopass December 8, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Awww… those sneaky l’il commies. Next it’ll be $1 a gallon gas and $1 a can caviar!

Suds McKenzie December 8, 2009 at 2:51 pm

The Price is Right just isn’t the same since Bob left.

Georgia Burning December 8, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Something at Dollar Tree that’s NOT made in China??? Congratulations, Lou!

Escape Goat Nation December 8, 2009 at 2:53 pm

Lou thinks he’s, “Middle Class”

Escape Goat Nation December 8, 2009 at 2:55 pm


queeraselvis v 2.0 December 8, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=474084]Georgia Burning[/re]: Mebbe so, but his book jacket is proudly embossed with “Hecho en Mexico.”

Texan Bulldoggette December 8, 2009 at 2:58 pm

The Bible on CD is just a buck? They really are a bunch of heathens in the Pacific NW. Here in TX, that sucker would cost $24.95 or more. Guess which state is going to get raptured first!

iwillsavethispatient December 8, 2009 at 2:58 pm

I ain’t using those new-fangled MP3s, if CDs were good enough for Jesus, they’re good enough for me.

you cannot be serious December 8, 2009 at 2:59 pm

La Guerra en la Navidad is making Lou angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry.

choinski December 8, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Not to mention the other other title: “Retribution”

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 8, 2009 at 3:01 pm

I’ll just stick with the toilet paper, thank you. Cheaper and less chance of paper cuts.

Mahousu December 8, 2009 at 3:01 pm

[re=474082]Can O Whoopass[/re]: I don’t know about the gas, but I can guarantee those crayons are fully leaded.

Suds McKenzie December 8, 2009 at 3:01 pm

Lou finally got his Wall, a Wall of Crayons.

SayItWithWookies December 8, 2009 at 3:04 pm

Don’t worry Lou — I’m sure George Wallace’s books spent a long time on the cheap shelf after he renounced racism, too.

Georgia Burning December 8, 2009 at 3:05 pm

[re=474093]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: believe me, we’re hoping for it!

chascates December 8, 2009 at 3:08 pm

[re=474093]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Must be the version en Espanol.

Come here a minute December 8, 2009 at 3:10 pm

From the first page:

I cannot imagine what the men who wrote these words would think of America today:

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.

I don’t know about you, but I haven’t consented to much of what government has done in the past twenty years.

Well Lou, the next sentence of that great document (the Gettysburg Constitution) says, “That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it,” so grab your musket or STFU.

I don’t know about Lou, but I have voted and abided by the results for the last twenty years.

El Pinche December 8, 2009 at 3:15 pm

Bible on CD = Porn on blue-ray = stretch marks, butt pimples

dijetlo December 8, 2009 at 3:18 pm

epicenter of the entire War on Christmas

Somehow I imagined the epicenter would be nearer the Republican National Headquarters on the North Pole, right next to Santa’s workshop and “Chewies Pullo Ranchero and Fapatorium” where the RNC leadership and all the geh elves meet to plot their counter offensive.

ForTheTurnstiles December 8, 2009 at 3:19 pm

[re=474088]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: No sales tax in Oregon.


CycloneArmageddon December 8, 2009 at 3:19 pm

[re=474084]Georgia Burning[/re]: Have you seen his birth certificate?

Extemporanus December 8, 2009 at 3:20 pm



Canmon (the Inadequate) December 8, 2009 at 3:23 pm

How much is that in pesos?

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2009 at 3:27 pm

I was assigned to bring the gag gift to the local Democratic Club’s War-on-Christmas party last year. I spent $6 at the Dollar Store and made a fancy gift basket out of this stuff. Everyone thought it was hilarious, but not-so-surprisingly, no one would take it home. I got stuck with it, but it’s all good since Granny and I burned it for heat when we couldn’t pay the electric bill in January. That Bible CD sure did smell funny in the fire, though, and now we think we have some kind of lung disease that will make us prime candidates for the Death Panel.

stew December 8, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Fuck Dobbs, how do you think God feels about this?!?

germansteel December 8, 2009 at 3:32 pm

One of the most popular items is a pliable rubber vagina, called “Cindy McCunt.”

chaste everywhere December 8, 2009 at 3:34 pm

[re=474133]El Pinche[/re]: Is that why the cover-picture of Lou is in such soft focus it makes Penthouse look high-rez?

rottenart December 8, 2009 at 3:51 pm


DO SuM REAL RESEARCH!!!!!!!!!!!1!1!!111111111111
I pREY 4 U!!!!!!!111111!!!!!23456…


SmutBoffin December 8, 2009 at 3:52 pm

Shit, I moved here to Portland just three months ago. NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A WAR GOING ON. (Huddles in corner with dollar-store scissors held menacingly, giving wary glances at any passers-by.)

StripesAndPlaids December 8, 2009 at 4:28 pm

A Dollar? Still too much.

ForTheTurnstiles December 8, 2009 at 5:37 pm

[re=474180]SmutBoffin[/re]: And the only jobs left are at the Acropolis, and everyone hates you on account of your California plates, but they’ll rarely tell you to your face because Portland’s cool like that.

Scarab December 8, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Shit, I just bought the Bible on 8-track. Well at least I know the CD format will be around forever.

Dear Diorama December 8, 2009 at 9:28 pm


LowerdPeninsula December 9, 2009 at 12:40 am

You know who shops at dollar stores, don’t you? Messicans!

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