BEER BEFORE LIQUOR  12:55 pm December 8, 2009

Republican Illinois Comptroller Candidate Videotapes Self (?) Getting Very, Very Drunk

by Juli Weiner


Meet this Bill Kelly person, a Republican candidate for Illinois comptroller! Look at all the Jagermeister- and regret-based beverages that Bill Kelly consumes before harassing three (3) blond women, one (1) misbegotten Eagle Scout, and countless (∞) others. 69 body shots off Wonkette operative “Andrew L.” [YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 70 comments }

RoscoePColtraine December 8, 2009 at 1:01 pm

At least he doesn’t turn mean when he drinks. And the girlish giggle is plain adorable.

rmontcal December 8, 2009 at 1:02 pm

No matter how drunk he gets, no matter how much he wants to bang that woman, he doesn’t forget that his talking point is to call the other party the “Democrat” party.

Larry McAwful December 8, 2009 at 1:02 pm

I was an Eagle Scout, too. But we didn’t have role models like Bill Kelly back in the 1980s. I could have used a guy like that to look up to. When I got to college and it was time to do shots of Jaegermeister and grain alcohol, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Well, I do now, and I can tell that when Bill Kelly knows what he’s doing, he knows what he’s doing. I’m not sure what he knows all the other times, though.

Come here a minute December 8, 2009 at 1:02 pm

He is going to have to abandon his bid for the nomination of the Republican party and run on the Wonkette ticket.

teebob2000 December 8, 2009 at 1:05 pm

I’m an Illinois resident; I don’t have a problem with it!

Hart88 December 8, 2009 at 1:06 pm

I don’t see how this hurts him. Then again, I didn’t see a problem with Jack Ryan wanting to watch others run a train on “7 of 9″.

Chain Tattoo December 8, 2009 at 1:06 pm

“Alcohol and Harley Davidson” Now there’s a campaign slogan for you!

petehammer December 8, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Wasn’t sure he was a Illinois/midwest native until he said “Dat’s my jahb.”

Adorable for the accent, annoying for everything else. Oooh! Kissing the woman on the mouth! You so silly*

*Raging a-hole.

Snarkalicious December 8, 2009 at 1:08 pm

You know who else drank Jagermeister?

proudgrampa December 8, 2009 at 1:08 pm

This is a very good case for doing all your drinking in private.

Aquannissiwamissoo December 8, 2009 at 1:09 pm

If he was a hot chick scoffing a pitcher whilst sitting on the john, I’d vote for him as ruler of the Galaxy !!!

Gopherit December 8, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Guess who’s gonna have a wet bar in his office?

Manos: Hands of Fate December 8, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Look the guy can down gallons of Jager and still keep his shit together in order to host his new E! show. If that doesn’t make you qualified for state-wide office, I don’t know what would.

saggyboobedhag December 8, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Loooooo-zer.

KilgoreTrout_XL December 8, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Brilliant campaign strategy. Rick Santorum should be taking notes.

SmutBoffin December 8, 2009 at 1:13 pm

WHY DOES HE KEEP SNIFFING HIS SHOTS? IT’S NOT WINE MUTHERFUCKER.

Aquannissiwamissoo December 8, 2009 at 1:14 pm

Cubs season ticket holders approve this message.

you cannot be serious December 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Uncle Jesse? Is that you?

hockeymom December 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Another closeted Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

Barcode of the Apocalypse December 8, 2009 at 1:17 pm

When he gets drunk enough, girls look good to him. When he sobers up, it’s back to the Eagle Scouts.

Chain Tattoo December 8, 2009 at 1:17 pm

[re=473947]Snarkalicious[/re]: Jesus!

chaste everywhere December 8, 2009 at 1:23 pm

He’s a very suggestible guy with lots of issues–what’s not to love? Plus he sounds like my bro-in-law (when my bro-in-law’s sober).

[re=473951]Gopherit[/re]: Comptroller Kelly done gone and jes’ made me have a wet dream in mine.

[re=473958]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: But then they also approve a center-fielder named Fuk-u-do-me, so . . .

(What the fuck does a comptroller do, again?)

taylormattd December 8, 2009 at 1:24 pm

OMG his laugh makes me dead.

proudgrampa December 8, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=473960]hockeymom[/re]: Pi Kappa Alpha, more likely.

ph7 December 8, 2009 at 1:27 pm

Auditioning for the next host of Three Sheets.

ph7 December 8, 2009 at 1:33 pm

Now being carried on his Facebook wall.

Madeline December 8, 2009 at 1:35 pm

He’s got the douchebag vote locked up.

monkeyball December 8, 2009 at 1:40 pm

[re=473975]proudgrampa[/re]: Phi Alpha Gamma, methinks

Mike Steele December 8, 2009 at 1:42 pm

The film must have cut off prematurely. I didn’t see the part where he chokes the blond unconscious, then rapes her.

Aquannissiwamissoo December 8, 2009 at 1:42 pm

It’s not like comptroller is the kind of elected office where if you got really shitfaced and knocked someone up, you would have ready access to lots of public funds to keep her quiet.

Mista Eko December 8, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=473986]ph7[/re]: He’s a sportsaholic!

donner_froh December 8, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Guy with an Irish name gets drunk and acts like a fool.

Never thought I would see that.

betterDeadThanRed December 8, 2009 at 1:46 pm

[re=473947]Snarkalicious[/re]: Rod Jagervich?

Gomez Adams December 8, 2009 at 1:47 pm

[re=473944]Hart88[/re]: If not for Jack wanting 7 of 9 publicly, Barry may never have been President.

user-of-owls December 8, 2009 at 1:47 pm

Um, either Wonkette won the millenium with this scoop, or somethin’ fishy is goin’ on. Do a google news search…Drunky McLoaded’s nickname must be Keyser Soze.

WindbagCity December 8, 2009 at 1:49 pm

I call b.s. This guy is the host of “Upscale TV” in Chicago, perhaps the douche-iest show in television history. He also came up through the Chicago improv scene. His schtick is so douche-y, in fact, that I determined it began as an act and has now become his actual personality.

engulfedinflames December 8, 2009 at 1:49 pm

There are assholes and then there are drunken assholes.

oldguy December 8, 2009 at 1:50 pm

facebook:

“William J. Kelly is a lifelong conservative activist and voice for conservative reform in Illinois. He is the executive producer and host of “Sportsaholic” on Comcast SportsNet.”

And “Shitfaced Loser” on DoucheNet.

That’s the face of conservative reform…

gurukalehuru December 8, 2009 at 1:52 pm

eh, he did it with a bit more panache than Hillary Clinton, but it still ain’t nothin’ but a gee shucks see what a regular guy I am bullshit political advertisement. Which are now free for politicians because of the Youtube.

Little Miss Baltimore December 8, 2009 at 1:56 pm

i want all my Repubs to be just like him. It would make the Health Care debate so much more party like if all of them were drunk and suggest-able.

Disco December 8, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Finally, a strong candidate on the platform of liquor. It’s good to see someone running on that campaign trail, because he obviously shouldn’t be driving on it.

dwbh December 8, 2009 at 2:14 pm

The Palin-Kelly 2012 slogans write themselves.

Extemporanus December 8, 2009 at 2:16 pm

[re=473962]Barcode of the Apocalypse[/re]: The voices in Kelly’s head:

“Drink the gay away. Drink the gay away. Drink the gay away. Drink the suckcocksuckcockfuckfuckfuck! Drink the gay away. Drink the gay away. Drinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkmotherfuckerdriiiiiinnnnnnkkkk…”

eclecticbrotha December 8, 2009 at 2:18 pm

[re=474013]WindbagCity[/re]: Yeah, I’m from the Chicago burbs and I immediately recognized him from the show. I’m guessing he went to register as a Democrat but chose Republican because he lusts after Meghan McCabe’s tits.

Extemporanus December 8, 2009 at 2:18 pm

[re=473959]you cannot be serious[/re]: The break-up with Rebecca Romijmnmjinmj really hit him hard.

contentsunderpressure December 8, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Three wardrobe changes + giggle = Douche

glamourdammerung December 8, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Too bad he is a teabagger.

As well as a “tea party activist”.

twowheeljunkie December 8, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Beer. It’s whats for diner.

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 8, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=473998]monkeyball[/re]: Ding ding ding ding ding! Only those cheesy sideburns MUST GO.

Can O Whoopass December 8, 2009 at 2:44 pm

He is going to have to quit the Republican party and run on the Bush/Tiger Woodie ‘golf vacation’ ticket.

Mr Blifil December 8, 2009 at 2:50 pm

Newsflash: Dude only thinks he’s way into the girls. He needs about 25 shots of Jäger to convince himself to let women touch him. If only the camera had followed him into the bus station men’s room, we’d have the complete portrait.

Rumproast December 8, 2009 at 2:57 pm

You know what’s worse that William P. Kelly drunk? William P. Kelly singing while drunk:

http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/blago_and_palin_take_a_seat/

Rumproast December 8, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Whoops, that’s William J. Kelly. The “J” stands for Jägermeister.

Rumproast December 8, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Ha! “that” = “than”

Jeebus, not a very good job of making fun of a wino, Rumproast, you shameful lush.

sezme December 8, 2009 at 3:02 pm

“The really hot Republican girls…”

Good one!

Lascauxcaveman December 8, 2009 at 3:03 pm

I call BS too. Everyone knows Republican women can afford nose jobs. (Lookin’ at you, Blondie.)

El Pinche December 8, 2009 at 3:13 pm

LAME!! I watched the whole thing and not one woman got choked or beaten. This douchebag is not a real American.

chaste everywhere December 8, 2009 at 3:16 pm

[re=474045]Extemporanus[/re]: Oh, yeah? Well, MY breakup with Rebecca Romjintintin really hit HER hard, so there.

thefrontpage December 8, 2009 at 3:32 pm

GREEN BALLOONS! GREEN BALLOONS!

Extemporanus December 8, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[re=474134]chaste everywhere[/re]: SAGGOT!

[re=474099]Rumproast[/re]: It’s OK, Mr. Buttsteak. I keep wanting to call the dude William R. Kelly.

Here’s how far I got into watching your evil little music video: Man, Cheap Trick has really hit the skids…Hey! Where’s Bun E. Carlos?..Hmm, looks like R. Kelly’s about to sing…Yep, here he goes: “I wan”STOPSTOPSTOPEARSPAINSTOPSTOPSTOPARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Harvey Birdman December 8, 2009 at 4:34 pm

It’s good to know there are still Eisenhower Republicans around.

K.C. December 8, 2009 at 4:47 pm

That poor Mr. Kelly do have some “issues”! For starters, every time he opens his mouth a purse falls out. But he sure is cute, which of course means he must be in the closet (where so many conservative activists lurk, sad things).

Berkeley Bear December 8, 2009 at 5:36 pm

[re=473971]chaste everywhere[/re]: Pay the bills. These days, though, its more like not pay the damned bills of the state because there’s no damned money, then run for higher office on a record of “fiscal responsiblity”. At least, that’s what the current governor (Quinn) and the guy challenging him for the Dem nomination (Hynes) did. Although admittedly Quinn took a more circuitous route, falling into the Gov’s chair when the hair got nailed. Oddly, he’s maybe the one guy in Illinois with no Blago backlash, since they didn’t run together (weird Illinois quirk) and Blago didn’t talk to him for most of his term in office.

hotdog December 8, 2009 at 9:53 pm

Julie, your clever use of the infinity sign is quite a turn on. And I don’t suppose you picked the number 69 by accident.

hotdog December 8, 2009 at 9:53 pm

Sorry, Juli, without an “e.”

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 8, 2009 at 11:39 pm

I waited eight hours to watch this video.

I remember those days and have had nights just like this with a few key differences:

1) Harley Davidson never entered the picture.

2) I made it very clear that nights like this one were exactly why I would never bother running for any kind of electable office.

That all being said, I think this may very well be the first Republican I could consider voting for.

LowerdPeninsula December 9, 2009 at 12:26 am

[re=473944]Hart88[/re]: “I don’t see how this hurts him. Then again, I didn’t see a problem with Jack Ryan wanting to watch others run a train on “7 of 9″.”

I haven’t “running a train on” in many a days, and I’m smiling, now. Thanks for making my day. And, I too wouldn’t mind watching others run a train on Geri Ryan. My dad used to turn on Star Trek just to see her on the show. lol

BTW, this is sad. But the accent feels like home.

alkybookworm December 9, 2009 at 12:20 pm

[re=474044]eclecticbrotha[/re]: No, he lusts after her dad’s tits.

Zsushi December 11, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Wow given some of the comments, I think many of the people may deserve a guy like this running the show. How pathetic. There must be a lot of 15 year old boys making remarks here…

“If he was a hot chick scoffing a pitcher whilst sitting on the john, I’d vote for him as ruler of the Galaxy !!!”

No wonder America is in trouble!

Samantha1 December 22, 2009 at 2:31 am

This Bill Kelly loser sure seems like he’s over-compensating around the ladies.

The word here in Illinois is that he’s gayer than an Ikea store on Super Bowl Sunday.

Not that women are shedding any tears. The guy’s clearly a dope.

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