Republican Illinois Comptroller Candidate Videotapes Self (?) Getting Very, Very Drunk

  beer before liquor


Meet this Bill Kelly person, a Republican candidate for Illinois comptroller! Look at all the Jagermeister- and regret-based beverages that Bill Kelly consumes before harassing three (3) blond women, one (1) misbegotten Eagle Scout, and countless (∞) others. 69 body shots off Wonkette operative “Andrew L.” [YouTube]

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About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

Hola wonkerados.

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70 comments

  1. RoscoePColtraine

    At least he doesn’t turn mean when he drinks. And the girlish giggle is plain adorable.

  2. rmontcal

    No matter how drunk he gets, no matter how much he wants to bang that woman, he doesn’t forget that his talking point is to call the other party the “Democrat” party.

  3. Larry McAwful

    I was an Eagle Scout, too. But we didn’t have role models like Bill Kelly back in the 1980s. I could have used a guy like that to look up to. When I got to college and it was time to do shots of Jaegermeister and grain alcohol, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Well, I do now, and I can tell that when Bill Kelly knows what he’s doing, he knows what he’s doing. I’m not sure what he knows all the other times, though.

  4. Come here a minute

    He is going to have to abandon his bid for the nomination of the Republican party and run on the Wonkette ticket.

  5. Hart88

    I don’t see how this hurts him. Then again, I didn’t see a problem with Jack Ryan wanting to watch others run a train on “7 of 9″.

  6. petehammer

    Wasn’t sure he was a Illinois/midwest native until he said “Dat’s my jahb.”

    Adorable for the accent, annoying for everything else. Oooh! Kissing the woman on the mouth! You so silly*

    *Raging a-hole.

  7. Aquannissiwamissoo

    If he was a hot chick scoffing a pitcher whilst sitting on the john, I’d vote for him as ruler of the Galaxy !!!

  8. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Look the guy can down gallons of Jager and still keep his shit together in order to host his new E! show. If that doesn’t make you qualified for state-wide office, I don’t know what would.

  9. Barcode of the Apocalypse

    When he gets drunk enough, girls look good to him. When he sobers up, it’s back to the Eagle Scouts.

  10. chaste everywhere

    He’s a very suggestible guy with lots of issues–what’s not to love? Plus he sounds like my bro-in-law (when my bro-in-law’s sober).

    [re=473951]Gopherit[/re]: Comptroller Kelly done gone and jes’ made me have a wet dream in mine.

    [re=473958]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: But then they also approve a center-fielder named Fuk-u-do-me, so . . .

    (What the fuck does a comptroller do, again?)

  11. Mike Steele

    The film must have cut off prematurely. I didn’t see the part where he chokes the blond unconscious, then rapes her.

  12. Aquannissiwamissoo

    It’s not like comptroller is the kind of elected office where if you got really shitfaced and knocked someone up, you would have ready access to lots of public funds to keep her quiet.

  13. Gomez Adams

    [re=473944]Hart88[/re]: If not for Jack wanting 7 of 9 publicly, Barry may never have been President.

  14. user-of-owls

    Um, either Wonkette won the millenium with this scoop, or somethin’ fishy is goin’ on. Do a google news search…Drunky McLoaded’s nickname must be Keyser Soze.

  15. WindbagCity

    I call b.s. This guy is the host of “Upscale TV” in Chicago, perhaps the douche-iest show in television history. He also came up through the Chicago improv scene. His schtick is so douche-y, in fact, that I determined it began as an act and has now become his actual personality.

  16. oldguy

    facebook:

    “William J. Kelly is a lifelong conservative activist and voice for conservative reform in Illinois. He is the executive producer and host of “Sportsaholic” on Comcast SportsNet.”

    And “Shitfaced Loser” on DoucheNet.

    That’s the face of conservative reform…

  17. gurukalehuru

    eh, he did it with a bit more panache than Hillary Clinton, but it still ain’t nothin’ but a gee shucks see what a regular guy I am bullshit political advertisement. Which are now free for politicians because of the Youtube.

  18. Little Miss Baltimore

    i want all my Repubs to be just like him. It would make the Health Care debate so much more party like if all of them were drunk and suggest-able.

  19. Disco

    Finally, a strong candidate on the platform of liquor. It’s good to see someone running on that campaign trail, because he obviously shouldn’t be driving on it.

  20. Extemporanus

    [re=473962]Barcode of the Apocalypse[/re]: The voices in Kelly’s head:

    “Drink the gay away. Drink the gay away. Drink the gay away. Drink the suckcocksuckcockfuckfuckfuck! Drink the gay away. Drink the gay away. Drinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkmotherfuckerdriiiiiinnnnnnkkkk…”

  21. eclecticbrotha

    [re=474013]WindbagCity[/re]: Yeah, I’m from the Chicago burbs and I immediately recognized him from the show. I’m guessing he went to register as a Democrat but chose Republican because he lusts after Meghan McCabe’s tits.

  22. Extemporanus

    [re=473959]you cannot be serious[/re]: The break-up with Rebecca Romijmnmjinmj really hit him hard.

  23. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=473998]monkeyball[/re]: Ding ding ding ding ding! Only those cheesy sideburns MUST GO.

  24. Can O Whoopass

    He is going to have to quit the Republican party and run on the Bush/Tiger Woodie ‘golf vacation’ ticket.

  25. Mr Blifil

    Newsflash: Dude only thinks he’s way into the girls. He needs about 25 shots of Jäger to convince himself to let women touch him. If only the camera had followed him into the bus station men’s room, we’d have the complete portrait.

  26. Rumproast

    Ha! “that” = “than”

    Jeebus, not a very good job of making fun of a wino, Rumproast, you shameful lush.

  27. Lascauxcaveman

    I call BS too. Everyone knows Republican women can afford nose jobs. (Lookin’ at you, Blondie.)

  28. El Pinche

    LAME!! I watched the whole thing and not one woman got choked or beaten. This douchebag is not a real American.

  29. chaste everywhere

    [re=474045]Extemporanus[/re]: Oh, yeah? Well, MY breakup with Rebecca Romjintintin really hit HER hard, so there.

  30. Extemporanus

    [re=474134]chaste everywhere[/re]: SAGGOT!

    [re=474099]Rumproast[/re]: It’s OK, Mr. Buttsteak. I keep wanting to call the dude William R. Kelly.

    Here’s how far I got into watching your evil little music video: Man, Cheap Trick has really hit the skids…Hey! Where’s Bun E. Carlos?..Hmm, looks like R. Kelly’s about to sing…Yep, here he goes: “I wan”STOPSTOPSTOPEARSPAINSTOPSTOPSTOPARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

  31. K.C.

    That poor Mr. Kelly do have some “issues”! For starters, every time he opens his mouth a purse falls out. But he sure is cute, which of course means he must be in the closet (where so many conservative activists lurk, sad things).

  32. Berkeley Bear

    [re=473971]chaste everywhere[/re]: Pay the bills. These days, though, its more like not pay the damned bills of the state because there’s no damned money, then run for higher office on a record of “fiscal responsiblity”. At least, that’s what the current governor (Quinn) and the guy challenging him for the Dem nomination (Hynes) did. Although admittedly Quinn took a more circuitous route, falling into the Gov’s chair when the hair got nailed. Oddly, he’s maybe the one guy in Illinois with no Blago backlash, since they didn’t run together (weird Illinois quirk) and Blago didn’t talk to him for most of his term in office.

  33. hotdog

    Julie, your clever use of the infinity sign is quite a turn on. And I don’t suppose you picked the number 69 by accident.

  34. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    I waited eight hours to watch this video.

    I remember those days and have had nights just like this with a few key differences:

    1) Harley Davidson never entered the picture.

    2) I made it very clear that nights like this one were exactly why I would never bother running for any kind of electable office.

    That all being said, I think this may very well be the first Republican I could consider voting for.

  35. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=473944]Hart88[/re]: “I don’t see how this hurts him. Then again, I didn’t see a problem with Jack Ryan wanting to watch others run a train on “7 of 9″.”

    I haven’t “running a train on” in many a days, and I’m smiling, now. Thanks for making my day. And, I too wouldn’t mind watching others run a train on Geri Ryan. My dad used to turn on Star Trek just to see her on the show. lol

    BTW, this is sad. But the accent feels like home.

  36. Zsushi

    Wow given some of the comments, I think many of the people may deserve a guy like this running the show. How pathetic. There must be a lot of 15 year old boys making remarks here…

    “If he was a hot chick scoffing a pitcher whilst sitting on the john, I’d vote for him as ruler of the Galaxy !!!”

    No wonder America is in trouble!

  37. Samantha1

    This Bill Kelly loser sure seems like he’s over-compensating around the ladies.

    The word here in Illinois is that he’s gayer than an Ikea store on Super Bowl Sunday.

    Not that women are shedding any tears. The guy’s clearly a dope.

Comments are closed.