Former Missouri House Speaker (R) Beats Up, Chokes Mistress During Sex [UPDATE]

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This guy? Oh yeah this guy beats women definitelyIn an incident in which the perpetrator should have considered that he would become a household name on Wonkette before going through with it, former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton is facing assault charges for allegedly beating the shit out of his mistress while having sex. His ladyfriend had not uttered the “safe word,” probably because Jetton was beating her unconscious.

The Scott County court clerk confirms a felony complaint has been filed against former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton for an incident that allegedly took place Nov. 15 in Sikeston, Mo. […]

The complaint alleges Jetton “recklessly caused serious physical injury to ——- by hitting her on the head, and choking her resulting in unconsciousness and the loss of the function of part of her body.”

UPDATE, 3:50: The affidavit attached to the probably cause statement alleges Jetton went to the home of the victim Nov. 15, where he and the victim drank wine and watched a football game. The victim claims Jetton hit her on the face and choked her, leaving bruises that the police department photographed.

The affidavit claims the assault occurred during the night and into the morning of Nov. 16. It says Jetton and the victim agreed on a “safe word” “to use as a stop word during intercourse.”

The “safe word” is hard to utter when you’re being CHOKED TO DEATH.

Rod Jetton is married divorced-ish (SEE UPDATE) with three children and attends Methodist church regularly. He is affiliated with the Republican Party. He is a Real American, the end.

UPDATE: First the boring correction: Jetton and his wife agreed to a divorce settlement earlier this year, although it’s unclear if that’s been finalized. We don’t know why they got this divorce, but probably because Rod Jetton likes to beat people unconscious during sex.

Sponsored Intermission

But the big news: the password was “green balloons.” As in, “You should have said green balloons,” which is a direct quote from Rod Jetton.

“Green balloons” is common street slang for “ha ha you are unconscious and cannot say this term right now.”

[Kansas City Star]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


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  • shortsshortsshorts

    Those silly Methodists— so strict to a routine.

  • slavojzizek

    Best photo, ever!

  • Servo

    Family values.

  • kappakid

    Is it Dickcember already?

  • jojoT

    The safe word was “Methodist church” but despite the pain, she couldn’t utter it without giggling uncontrollably.

  • slavojzizek

    Is Rod Jetton his real name, or is that one of those ‘porn names’ you can get from some site on the internet?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Amateurs. “Safe words” are soooo vanilla.

  • Jim Demintia

    Spare the rod and spoil the probably under-aged, post-op transsexual slave.

  • NixonNow


  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Nothing says “Eagle tears and apple pie” like choking your mistress while fucking. It’s right there in the Constitution.

  • bago

    It’s snowing dicks! Hallelujah!

  • El Pinche

    Hey wait a minute..Jesus never choked a bitch.

    She probably pushed his Wrath of God button when she yelled Tiger’s name.

  • King of Pants

    Like really, do news organizations nowadays just have a template for “Republican sex scandal” that they can just fill in the blanks too?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    This is why you should never let a Republican pretend to be a dom. Oh, this and Iraq.

  • facehead

    The joke’s on you Newell, the safe word was “Wonkette.”



    How is it that when Dems have a sex scandal, it’s usually just some dude putting his penis in someone he shouldn’t. When Repubs do it, it’s like they swing for the fences.

    It’s like, “If we’re gonna get caught up in a sex scandal, damn it, there better be a three legged hooker, a fifty gallon drum of Vaseline and a shaved billy goat hopped up on Vicodin.”

    Republicans, try this, you know, just once. Instead of trying the old gas mask hooked up to the anus via garden hose trick, just, you know, spank it to some porn or, if you REALLY need a taste of strange, just cheat on your wife like normal people and be done with it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    See, ladies — if you don’t let your (Republican) hubby beat the shit out of you, he’ll find someone who will.

  • Way Cool Larry

    Rod should not be a legal name. The end.

  • stratonike

    Haven’t you heard? Republicans can fuck the Jeebus right into you.

  • rottenart

    Not being so in to the ol’ BDSM, I always wondered how one would utter a safe-word with a ball-gag planted firmly in place. Or one of those mouth-dildo things, which I would totally, like, y’know, try out if you were into it, baby!

    On a related note, that shoe salesmen in the picture is totally looking up your skirt and fantasizing about beating the crap out of you. True story.

  • Extemporanus

    Hey kids!

    Remember: “HARDER!” is not a very safe “safe” word.

    And that’s one to grow on!

  • RoscoePColtraine

    I’ll never forget the first time a guy playfully and unexpectedly slapped me on the head while I was polishing his chrome. I distinctly remember thinking, “this dude either trusts me, or hasn’t thought this whole ‘my dick near his teeth’ thing all the way through.” His trust was well-placed, NEEDLESS TO SAY.

  • mattbolt

    (Was gonna be to the tune of the Jetsons theme, then I realized the Jetsons theme has about 5 words, so to the tune of the Flintstones theme)

    Meet the Jettons
    They’re the modern southern family
    From the
    State o’ M’zoura
    They’ll make mistress-beatin’ history
    Someday, maybe this chick will lose a fight
    Til then, he’s Jesus-lovin’ far Right
    When you’re
    With the Jettons
    You’ll have a hooker-chokin’ fuck time
    A nutz on truck time
    A closet-gay old time!

  • leftcoaster

    [re=473443]King of Pants[/re]: [former / current] [councilman / state senator / US Congressman] has been arrested for [fucking / choking / photographing without consent / impregnating] an [underage prostitute / undercover male officer / black maid] while [misappropriating state funds / leading the charge to impeach an adulterous Democrat / posting embarrassing racist tirades on Facebook].


    [re=473443]King of Pants[/re]:

    “On (date), (circle one: Congressman/Senator/Governor)_________ (R-___) was booked on official charges of (circle one: sodomy/incest/statutory rape) by the ________ Police Department.

    It would seem that (perpetrator) has had an ongoing affair with (victim’s name)(if consentual and legal, identify as “lover”) since 19__. It was only since 200_ that (perpetrator) grew (circle one: violent/abusive/overtly perverted).

    According to (witness name) who works at _____(circle one: marital aid store/overtly high profile nightclub or bar/youth club/agricultural supply store), (perpetrator) is a well recognized face and is often seen there with (victim).

    When asked, (victim) said, “______________________. But I thought he loved me.”

    (Perpetrator)’s office was contacted, but have chosen to provide no comment as of this time.”

  • Radiotherapy

    Football and wine just don’t mix!

  • DustBowlBlues

    And as Jim said, “consider whether he becomes a household name on Wonkette before going through with it,” this would be a good thought for us all. In fact, I think I’ll make a big poster with those words on it and pin it to the bulletin board in my Sunday School class–at the Methodist church. A different one, evidently, than this guy attends.

    I’m always so happy when the freaks are Repbublics AND Baptists.

  • emberglance

    Hey, is this story about former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton (D)? or former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton (R)? (D) or (R)? which was it? can anyone remember!!!!???? so confusing!


    [re=473455]Extemporanus[/re]: And knowing is half the battle

  • mollymcguire

    Again, progress for the Republican party. The victim was:

    1. Above the age of 15;

    2. A member of the opposite sex; and,

    3. Not related to the defendant by blood.

    Michael Steele can declare this a win.

  • hockeymom

    He’s got a patriotic ribbon on. He’s obviously a good guy.

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=473454]rottenart[/re]: Evidently. They never lost an election because of sex scandals, even being diapered by hookers scandals. Why do voters hold Dems to a higher standard? Except for when the sex slave is a boy, of course.

  • you cannot be serious

    That ribbon on his lapel is for ‘What A Fucking Hypocritical Asshole’ Awareness.

  • Servo

    All he wanted for Christmas was her two front teeth.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=473469]emberglance[/re]: On Fox it will just be (D) no matter which.

  • Min

    This is why you should also have a “safe weapon” when you have kinky sex. You know, like a stiletto stuck in your garter belt.

  • predilectrix

    [re=473469]emberglance[/re]: Fox News will clarify with its usual accuracy: Rod Jetton, D-(HO)MO.

  • yargisbargis

    Keep fucking that Jetton!

  • Tundra Grifter


  • Tundra Grifter

    Did the poor young lady take that photograph right before she passed out?

  • slappypaddy

    send him to italy

  • BobTheBuilder

    It must have been awful to have been subjected to that sweaty, leering face while being ravaged by his four-inch dick.

  • Servo

    …and getting bukkaked with Whiskey Skoal spit.

  • coolcatdaddy

    After seeing the photo and reading the story, I now have vomit in my mouth.

  • V572625694

    [re=473465]Radiotherapy[/re]: Exactly. Real Amurricans drink Budweiser while watching football. God knows why. In Europe, the beer’s better but the sports are unimaginably boring.

  • zenferret


    So I didn’t find anything there about how he’d help teach his commonsense conservative clients how to beat the crap out of their booty calls.


    Someone in KC doesn’t like him.

  • Cassawary


  • hillarys_left_nut

    11/15 was a Sunday, so I guess it was a late lunch, after church and all, with the mistress.

    Per Nfl.com, Cards got beat that day. And, that night…

  • proudgrampa

    Pathetic. Really.

  • obfuscator

    ironically, her safe word was “ghhkkk kkkgglhhh sshhkkk”.


    [re=473434]slavojzizek[/re]: Easy to do: Your first pet and the street you grew up on…

    In my other ‘job’ I would be Teddy Edwood, Top.

    Jim…we didn’t need the (R), it just went without sayin’

  • Michaele Hoebag

    This could have all been avoided if he talked to his friend Dave”Diaper Dumping”Vitter. Even though he likes to play with hot steaming turds before sex with his prostitute, that he has use the same name as his wife,that’s not enough to get him to step down. In fact he was recently spotted in the lingerie store shopping for something nice. And he is still seeing his doody whore. Either get yourself some boxing gloves or get your shit together like Vitter. Consenting adults playing with feces is perfectly acceptable in the Repubtard community. Stop with bare knuckles stuff already, unless you want to introduce your unconscious sex partner to fisting, then I’m sure your Tards can dig it. Dig?

  • kappakid

    Behold: The Twitterz – http://twitter.com/jedijetton

  • Come here a minute

    Wrong method.

  • shadowMark

    What message is Jim sending out, on the day Sara and Juli both get back Jim ends the day with that picture up all night and a story about a guy that knocks around a girl. Maybe Riley didn’t come back because nobody will tell him Jim’s safe word.


    [re=473517]kappakid[/re]: Two tweets from that twitter that really caught my eye:

    “I had a great weekend but broke a table. They just don’t hold up very good any more. We had a few bruises but no one was killed! ha ha ”

    (Sure, those bruises were because you “broke a table”. Was this before, after, or during you fucked it?)

    And then the most recent (and chilling) tweet:

    “Betsy is tomorrow.”

    Who the hell is Betsy and what is happening tomorrow?! Gah! That gave me honest to goodness goosebumps.

  • Hopey dont play that game

    Where I’m from “choking the mistress” is what everyone did before they had their first girlfriend.

  • President Beeblebrox

    NEVAR 4GET that something odd, but not quite as odd, just happened to the Georgia House Speaker, also of the Republican persuasion. No safewords were involved there.

    ATLANTA — Georgia’s powerful House speaker resigned Thursday after a suicide attempt and allegations by his ex-wife of an affair with a lobbyist.

    Glenn Richardson, the state’s first GOP speaker since Reconstruction, had won sympathy from even his political enemies when he revealed last month that he attempted suicide by swallowing sleeping pills. But then his ex-wife went on TV and accused him of having “a full-out affair” with a lobbyist while they were still married.

    Richardson did not address that allegation in a brief statement issued through the House communications office in which he said he will leave both his position as speaker and his House seat on Jan. 1. He did mention his recent admission, made in the wake of his suicide attempt, that he has grappled with depression.

  • Schmegeg

    When she screamed the safe word. “Capital Gains Tax Cut!!” he cut her.

  • shadowMark

    If we have to look at that picture all night it seems better with this narration:

    There was me, that is Alex,
    and my three droogs, that is Pete,
    Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar
    trying to make up our rassoodocks
    what to do with the evening. The Korova milkbar
    sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc
    or drencrom, which is what we were drinking.
    This would sharpen you up and make you ready
    for a bit of the old ultra-violence.

  • stew

    Donkey Punch, maybe? Yeah, I looked it up. Also “Rusty Trombone” and many others. Wanna have something talk about at the family Xmas gathering.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    How many times must I remind you that the first rule of safe sex is, “Defend yourself at all times”? Perhaps now Missouri will reconsider the three knockdown rule. (Is it true that Jetton is co-founder of a birther group called Pained Parenthood?)

  • BlueStateLibtard

    [re=473521]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: I like how he says, “We had a few bruises but no one was killed! ha ha.” I wonder who the “We” refers to? The poor kids or the wife?

  • eclecticbrotha

    [re=473530]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: The good news is your witty reply gets the cigar. The bad news is you have to muster up the courage to pull it out of Jetton’s sweaty ass.

  • Radiotherapy

    Not really too far OT, but I just heard Tiger changed his name today to… Cheetah.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=473539]eclecticbrotha[/re]: Courage aside, that would not be a strategic withdrawal.

  • doloras

    For those not in the know, if the sub’s mouth is obstructed, they can (for example) hold onto a bunch of keys during the delicious beatings, and drop them if necessary to signal OMG RED LIGHT GET THE FUCK OFFA ME RIGHT NOW AND MAKE ME A HOT CHOCOLATE. Don’t ask me how I know this.

  • eclecticbrotha

    [re=473541]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Very well played, sir.

  • assistant/atlas

    Puts a whole new spin on the “when did you stop beating your wife” question…

    [re=473543]doloras[/re]: This is why I love my Wonkette…so much learning goes on!

  • gjdodger

    She did say the safe word. He said, “I am from Missouri. You will have to Show Me.”

  • Can O Whoopass

    I was beat up and choked once. Where’s a republican when you need one?

  • BeWoot

    [re=473543]doloras[/re]: Oops. No wonder I never get that second date. I thought the keys were to jam in their eyes.

  • oldguy

    [re=473474]hockeymom[/re]: Heck, he probably tied her up with a patriotic ribbon.

    Fox News: “Rod Jetton (D)”

  • taylormattd

    [re=473446]facehead[/re]: Actually, I think it was “Wonkett”

  • Escape Goat Nation

    Yore making a mountun into a molhill!
    This is not abyouse.
    This is just norml corting proseedyure!
    It’s how you woo yore girlfrend to Mary you\.

  • Bearbloke

    The common safe-word is “Limbaugh”… after hearing that name, no one wants to have sex…

  • plowman

    Most folks would rather choke and beat their ex…

  • SwanSwanH

    cf. Don Sherwood (R) PA-10

  • Potater

    Tomorrow on ClusterFox & Friends

    Steve: (in plodding incredulity like he’s shocked words are leaving his mouth) Did you hear about this? A Congressman from Missouri of all places was arrested for hitting his mistress!

    Gretchen: How will this hurt the Democrats in the next election, Steve?

    Steve: Actually, he was a Republican, shockingly enough!

    Gretchen: Why won’t the mainstream media leave this guy alone? This is none of our business and the police had no right to interrupt this. The bias here is unbelievable.

    Steve: It turns out he choked her until she passed out…

    Gretchen: Is it possible that because we are such a politically correct country, that no one wanted to bring this to the police’s attention sooner? Maybe they were afraid of offending somebody! And what did the White House know about this, Steve? I think that’s the question the American people are asking, Steve, which of course the mainstream media isn’t. You’ll only hear it right here, on Fox News.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=473558]plowman[/re]: I’d rather hang out with my ex and drink coffee and discuss cinema. It’s my wife I get off on disciplining.

  • oldguy

    Twit for thought:
    “OK, I survived the 10 miles but I’m hurting. I really have to get in shape this spring. Now it’s back to Jeff and fighting the good fight!!”

    Getting in shape to fight the good fight…

  • Redhead

    He really just beat her cause she didn’t want to change his stinky diapers.

  • Flanders

    [re=473493]Servo[/re]: Leave skoalrebel alone!

  • BigDupa

    Best “safe word(s)’while watching football “Redskins win!”

  • Oldskool

    When she was trying to say “green balloon” it sounded like “gimme bruise” so entirely her fault.

  • oldguy

    MUCH better version of the events here:


    Including, from the detective’s probable cause statement: “Jetton poured her a glass of wine in the kitchen while she remained in the living room. After drinking wine while watching a football game, the woman reported fading in and out of consciousness several times during the evening…. The woman said she then remembered waking up while Jetton was behind her having sex in the bedroom. Police say there were bruises on the outside of the woman’s thighs, left side and breast that were photographed.”

    It all depends on what your definition of “was” was.

  • JMP

    99 “Green Balloons”
    Screaming through my gagged-up mouth
    Panic bells, it’s red alert
    You pretend my voice is somewhere else
    You act like you can’t hear my cries
    But glare with one eager eye
    I realize you’re a psycho guy
    While 99 “Green Balloons” go by

  • The Church
  • S.Luggo

    [re=473426]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Southern Baptist. One shall not be redeemed from the bondage of the ropes of sin except through the safe word, “Jesus [fucking christ I mean you’re killing me stop!] … ack, ack, ack.” So it has been said, so it has been written.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    Um. Why a two word phrase? I thought safe words were supposed to be short and unlikely to be uttered during sex. Was there a green dildo she might have asked him to use? Or a balloon animal?

    [re=473573]oldguy[/re]: Also from the article:

    In 2004, when Jetton was the No. 2-ranking House official, he heckled Democratic Gov. Bob Holden during the State of the State speech, yelling: “Release the money, governor!”

    Release her neck, Jetton!

  • S.Luggo

    In other news:
    Michael Steele, what is the safe word?

  • DickRod

    Neun und nuenzig green balloons go by…

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Someone needs a spanking with a baseball bat.

  • FlipOffResearch

    Never make the safe word: Harder! Harder!

  • S.Luggo

    [re=473577]The Church[/re]: Twitter is the mirror of the soul.

    “A personalized approach to political consulting.” So true.

  • FlipOffResearch

    [re=473455]Extemporanus[/re]: Oops, stole your joke. Thats what I get for commenting before reading all of the comments. Sorry.

  • S.Luggo
  • Jim89048

    Never once have I, as a wonketeer in good standing, said “I’d choke that”.

  • bago

    Why did Jesus die on the cross?
    He forgot his safe word.

  • imissopus

    So messy!

  • kudzu

    Bitch set him up.

  • Joey Ratz

    For fuck’s sake… I thought the picture had to be a spoof, but no – it’s the real thing. How the hell did a 12-year old become Missouri’s House Speaker?

    [re=473594]Jim89048[/re]: Which is why we are Wonketeers rather than RedStaters.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    [re=473602]Joey Ratz[/re]: But in the RedStaters defense, they’ve only ever said of their own dicks.

  • TubeCity

    The “rough sex” story is a cover-up for Jetton getting caught stealing from her purse while she peed and responding to her outrage by throttling her.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=473550]Can O Whoopass[/re]:
    Answer: Writing up your arrest warrant for disturbing the peace.
    Anyroad, truly awful.
    Pigs be pigs.

  • rottenart

    [re=473528]shadowMark[/re]: I was saved!

  • El Pinche

    My friends , Choketember has arrived.

  • President Beeblebrox

    [re=473577]The Church[/re]: Hm. Such a mysterious twatter he is. WHO ARE BETSY AND LOTTIE, HENNGH?!

    Betsy is tomorrow
    8:15 PM Dec 6th from txt

    Lottie is the 9th.
    8:15 PM Dec 6th from txt

  • iburl

    I wonder if Ronald Reagan would be so deified if he twittered.

    Mommy sez time for jelly bellies! l8tr my ninjaz!

  • obfuscator

    [re=473585]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: or a vasectomy with a table saw.

  • Dolmance

    Republican sexual activities are hardly what they portray in their public utterances. Research has shown that people who play around with whips and rubber and swinging and all those S&M and B&D activities – 7 out of 8 identify with conservative causes and the Republican Party.

    I remember when I was 8 years old and Ronald Reagan was running for Governor. The whole family was watching some debate on TV and I remember my dear mother turning to me, pointing to Reagan and telling me in all seriousness, “That man has sucked a cock. Don’t think he hasn’t.” And then she went on to predict that he would become the President of the United States in her lifetime.

  • Aurelio

    [re=473451]stratonike[/re]: These are the men who make our laws.–Frank Zappa.

  • obfuscator

    [re=473630]Dolmance[/re]: with the modern day republican party, that declarative is no longer necessary. we just assume that any gop candidate for statewide or national office has tongue-juggled at least 4 pairs of hairless boynuts by the time he graduated from whatever jesus university he attended.

    that’s progress we can believe in!!1!

  • new complexnegro

    Sex play got rough rough rough!

  • Dolmance

    You know, we’re laughing about this shit. But seriously, beating the shit out of a woman during sex is as ominous a sign as the little kid who wets his bed, starts fires and tortures animals.

    I really, really want this necrophile to fry.

  • assistant/atlas

    Green Balloons???? I do not understands–that seems to be two safe words.

    But seriously, what’s she going to be saying that it would need to be, specifically, “green balloons?”

    Oh yeah, oh yeah, fuck my red balloon-like ass and my sweet pink ballooning cooch, oh yeah, give it to me, with your peach blimp, your big beige zeppelin, oh yeah, fuck me until my thighs look like blue balloons, oh yeah, screw me until I turn into a purple balloon of pleasure, oh yes…oh, wait, wait hold on, wait stop, “Green Balloons”…GREEN BALLOONS STOP HITTING ME…


    I have to go now.

  • Dolmance

    [re=473633]new complexnegro[/re]: I know. I come on this board and make my statements, but it all sounds so pedestrian and childish because everyone here came to the conclusions that I’m so hot under the collar about years ago.

    Well, its been a long journey, from a indifferent sort of conservative type to a full out Trotskyite Bolshevik. I think maybe I stop by this site in the unconscious expectation that I might get laid.

    I think I’ll be more circumspect here from now on. A little more respectful.

  • S.Luggo

    “Unconsciousness” is such a relative term. I should know.
    — Jon Kyl

  • S.Luggo

    “You know, we’re laughing about this shit.” NOT.
    We are snarking about Family Values as a being a key, defining principle of Rethuglican Party.

  • Extemporanus

    But the big news: the password was “green balloons.” As in, “You should have said green balloons,” which is a direct quote from Rod Jetton.


  • Dolmance

    This guy is a sexual sadist. And if you look at the Republican Party, you find a lot of behavior that can be construed as sadistic. From the judicial sadism of a Clarance Thomas who ruled that convicts have no constitutional right to not to have the shit beat out of them by guards, to some slimeball at the Weekly Standard saying he got a guilty pleasure knowing Rachel Maddow couldn’t marry her partner, to families of immigrants being broken up with mothers separated from their children because if they step out of the country for even a moment to visit they lose the time accrued toward getting their green card and become illegal aliens again, to deporting a kid raised from the age of two months old in the US to Cambodia because they were convicted of stealing a bicycle, or our supermax prisons where people are locked in cells 23 hours a day and never see direct sunlight again in their entire lives… Jesus, I could write examples of this shit for a hundred pages straight. It’s endless.

    It’s been said that politics is the harnessing of hate. And I guess I voted at the last election because I HATE REPUBLICANS.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=473578]S.Luggo[/re]: If the witch believes it, she’ll drown herself next time instead of looking to the good deeds of man to free her from perpetual bondage, also. And also.

  • obfuscator

    [re=473578]S.Luggo[/re]: THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE*

    (sex hint: your safe word should be “truth”.)

    /i hope hell actually exists so this guy can rot in it.

  • gurukalehuru

    [re=473469]emberglance[/re]: R, of course. As in “R you retarded?”

  • LowerdPeninsula


    Why did Jesus die on the cross?
    He forgot his safe word.

    This may very well end up being my vote for the WIN of the Year, here, on The Wonkette.

    Rod, Jetton, mistress, Republican, safe word, “Green Balloons”, wine, Rams, Missouri, House Speaker…you guys absolutely sure this isn’t a movie?

    The Republican Party can now be described in short-hand. All you have to do is jot down some angry, sexually frustrated nouns and attach them to some proper nouns, and you can get the gist of an entire news story on a conservative.

  • LowerdPeninsula

    From the probable cause statement:

    “(The woman) said she did not see him pour the wine because she did not follow him into the kitchen, but he returned to the living room and handed her a glass of wine. (The woman) remembers watching a football game and said once she finished the glass of wine, she began ‘fading’ in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times during the evening,” wrote Detective Bethany McDermott in her report.

    McDermott reports that Jetton and the woman agreed on a safe word of “green ballons” to use as a stop word during intercourse.

    “(The woman) recalls Jetton hitting her on the face very hard. She then remembers waking up, lying on the floor and Jetton was choking her. (The woman) said she did not know what happened with her memory because she had been drunk but had never had the blank spots in her memory,” McDermott reported.

    “(The woman) said Jetton stayed the night with her and when he woke up he gave her a kiss and said, ‘You should have said green balloons.’ Jetton left the woman’s residence and had not returned,” McDermott added.

    McDermott reported that a Sikeston police officer reported seeing bruises on the woman, including on the outside of both thighs and around her breast.”

    How goddamned creepy is that bolded line? So, could this be a date-rape on top of all of this, probably?

  • Herman the German

    [re=473497]V572625694[/re]: Come on!
    In America they have to showcase dancing, halfnaked ladies on the playing field in order to put something interesting into football.

  • LtColBatboy



  • LowerdPeninsula

    BTW, check out this photo of the dude posting (center) at the Jetton Fitness Challenge 2005:



  • snideinplainsight

    At least he wasn’t “beating” Palin’s book! Hey-oh!!!

  • drftjgoj

    Skoalrebel objects.

  • aleks

    If he were a vampire everyone would say it was romantic.

  • Herman the German

    Why are our politicians so boring???

  • rottenart

    [re=473666]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: Droogs if I ever saw them.

  • Oh hell to the no

    @LoweredPeninsula That is the happiest group piss I’ve ever seen.

  • lochnessmonster

    I don’t get why people who “agree to a divorce” think it is okay to do the sex thing with anyone they want. Aren’t they still married until the divorce is final? Or am I just an old fuddy duddy splittin’ hairs and not getting the definition of what “agree” means?

  • rottenart

    [re=473666]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: [re=473675]rottenart[/re]: Man, I guess I might need a bit of milk-plus…

  • ph7

    [re=473677]lochnessmonster[/re]: You’re an old fuddy duddy.

  • free

    He should just go home, turn the lights off, and continue jamming random household objects into his bunghole.

  • coolcatdaddy

    Notice that the woman said she drifted in and out of consciousness – did he slip her a mickey in those bottles of wine he brought over?

  • disgustedcitizen

    Wait! What… his mistress is FEMALE? Are you sure he’s a republican? I’d better check with Faux Knews… Yep, there’s a “(D)” after his name. He’s a republican.

  • ImpureScience

    Safe word? Bah, you’re supposed to tap out.

  • alkybookworm

    A young lady of my acquaintance once informed me that those who habitually do this sort of thing should also work out a “safe gesture”: some sort of body or hand movement that signifys the action should stop.This should be done in case the action gets a little intense and the “bottom” can no longer speak.

    I suggested that, if the action gets that intense, the safe gesture should involve ramming your thumb into his eye.

  • iolanthe

    We have this young female friend who used to work in porn & fetish. She’s a sweet, generous soul, but not, shall we say, intellectually gifted. Ten years of very hard living and partying has made her a bit forgetful, on top of that.

    She tells a similar painful/hilarious story about the time she went on a date with some Cruel Master type, and absolutely forgot the Safe Word. She nearly died. Same thing. The dom was all pissed at *her* for forgetting. You’d think gasping out “I forgot the safe word! Stop! Please stop!” would serve as a backup safe word. But apparently not.

  • iolanthe

    [re=473677]lochnessmonster[/re]: Yes, it seems that “we’ve agreed to a divorce” often means “one of us is out regularly flagrantly screwing our Side Dish instead of the spouse, and the non-adulterous spouse has been a party to at least one discussion in which the issue of separation and divorce was raised.”

    If you’re classy — and concerned for your physical safety — it’s better to wait until papers are filed and you’ve actually separated from the spouse, as in “no longer sleep in the same house”, before you start flagrantly screwing the Side Dish and taking it to restaurants ‘n’ such.

  • iolanthe

    [re=473459]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Warming up for a donkey punch? What an asshole. I’d’ve bitten him.

  • Tundra Grifter

    [re=473630]Dolmance[/re]: Somes year ago both the Democratic and Republican Presidential nominating conventions were held in San Francisco (1980?).

    The working girls from LA and Vegas flew into town for the Democratic convention.

    From across the country, S&M and golden shower and many other specialty boys came to The City when the Republicans were here…

  • Dolmance

    I once choked on a piece of chard that wasn’t cooked long enough. It was like swallowing a clothes line. I distinctly remember not getting the slightest boner. I didn’t even get al dente. What a perv this guy is.

    You know, Ted Bundy was the originator of the young, boyish until age 45 Republican look that Tucker Carlson was so fond of – the bow tie look. It caught on like wildfire. Then just before approaching 50 they’d go for the little leprechaun beard and the suspenders, like Robert Bork. I guess Ted Bundy would have gone for the Bork look if he hadn’t been executed. Or he could have created a whole new fashion statement. We can only imagine the what-ifs?

  • Dolmance

    [re=473716]Tundra Grifter[/re]: Why the hell doesn’t that shit get publicized and repeated over and over and over?!!

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    Ever since I read “green balloons,” I have had “99 Luftbaloons” playing in my noggin.

    Thanks for nothing, Wonkette.

  • Darkness

    Well, the conservatives DO always insist that sexual repression makes for better sex. This isn’t what I would consider better sex, but then again I’m not a republican.

  • chaste everywhere

    Why is he only the FORMER speaker?

  • rikitikitavi

    This is what happens when Mexican Halloween gets out of hand.

  • Sussemilch

    If you’ve got green balloons ladies, you need to have a doctor look at those piercings.

  • teebob2000

    [re=473529]stew[/re]: Slow down, willya?? I’m writing these down.

    “… ‘donkey punch’ … ‘rusty trombone’ … ‘choking on chard’ … “

  • InfiniteMonkey

    Oh, his Facebook wall is gettin’it.

  • thefrontpage

    So THAT’s why all of the neighbors of Smith Point and the C Street House and the Rayburn Building keep hearing women screaming “GREEN BALLOONS!!!!!!!” at 3 a.m. every night!

  • thefrontpage

    Who the holy hell drinks wine and watches football?

    That’s like drinking martinis and watching hockey.

    Real men drink whiskey and beer.

  • wallythepug

    Fox Noise will put a (D) after his name, if they deem to cover this story at all.

    In other news, Glenn Beck’s follow-up to “The Christmas Sweater” will be “The Green Balloons.”

  • El Pinche


  • Rusty Shackleford

    Yeah, I’d have to agree that football and wine is where the evening began to go horribly awry.

  • oldguy

    I bet Rod “Piece of Chard” Jetton could use some friends right now


    A loaf of bread, a jug of Chateau Drop du Knockout, and thou beside me screaming on the bathroom floor…

  • oldguy

    Late breaking news from KVFS “Heartland News”:

    In news this morning, former Missouri House Speaker and Marble Hill native Rod Jetton is still a wanted man according to the Sikeston Department of Public Safety. At last check around 4:30 this morning he had not turned himself in to face a class C felony assault charge. We’ll be following this story closely and keep you updated on-air and on-line.


  • Extemporanus

    [re=473463]leftcoaster[/re]: [re=473464]I_KILL_ZOM[re=473597]: I love Mad-Cons.

    [re=473482]yargisbargis[/re]: OR: Keep Jetton off!

    [re=473511]obfuscator[/re]: [re=473597]bago[/re]: Tie goes to the blasphemer.

    [re=473540]Radiotherapy[/re]: YOUR LION!

    [re=473588]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Your safe words are appreciated.

    I saw my comment repeated verbatim on three other sites, with nary a “green balloon” follow-up in the bunch.

  • Boondock Saint

    What, exactly is wrong with this? You all act like YOU never did it….

  • Mike Steele

    As Chairman of the RNC, I can assure you that we are very pro woman. This story exposes a troubling anti-Republican bias in the medias. This gentleman was blamed for raping this woman. But she was UNCONSCIOUS. How do we know that she would have refused, if he had started fucking her BEFORE he choked her out?

  • DeeSee

    Wouldn’t this be rape? If you are having sex and beating someone up, it’s not like it’s consensual sex but the beating up part isn’t consensual.

    Also, what is up with people joking about this? It’s really not funny. The maturity of commenters on this site leaves much to be desired…

  • uncletravelingmatt

    Maybe I’m too old-fashioned — or not old-fasshioned enough — to understand beating and choking a woman during sex. Seems like if your program includes cutting off someone’s air supply, a one syllable safe word would be advisable.

  • Great Old Ones Party

    who the hell names their daughter “——-“?

  • Great Old Ones Party
  • rottenart

    [re=473994]DeeSee[/re]: The maturity of commenters on this site leaves much to be desired…

    You don’t know the half of it, Sister/Brother!

    However, yes… rape is bad, mmm’kay?

  • it takes a lot to laugh

    Wine and football? Is this guy even American?

  • Bearbloke

    [re=473670]Herman the German[/re]: Indeed! Thus I pay far more attention to American pols than my own…

    [re=473812]thefrontpage[/re]: “Real men make their bloody OWN whiskey and beer”

  • Bearbloke

    [re=473905]oldguy[/re]: Are those picture of all the people “Rod” has choke-fucked recently?

  • aleks

    The same thing happened in 2004, when America forgot that the safe word was John Kerry.

  • Gun-toting Progressive

    [re=473994]DeeSee[/re]: You’re new here, aren’t you?

  • mrpuma2u

    [re=473994]DeeSee[/re]: It’s all about what you desire honey. We desire to be puerile and pervy. Land of the sexually free, home of the safe word uttering (or not as the case may be) brave.

  • blader


    enough, capt obvious!

    What does your mom know about Reagan sucking cock and when did she know it?

  • Mr. Macardo

    “… and the loss of the function of part of her body.”

    This leaves the door open for an excrement update.

  • LowerdPeninsula

    [re=474266]aleks[/re]: “The same thing happened in 2004, when America forgot that the safe word was John Kerry.”

    Oh, boy. Another epic win.

    [re=473917]oldguy[/re]: This is a joke, right?

  • polenta

    it’s all fun and games dating republicans until they beat the crap out of you.

  • oldguy

    [re=474458]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: I don’t think it was. A couple of days ago, the FB page had pictures and little reports about jogging… Oh how the naughty have fallen.

  • Bulzeye

    Aleks gets my vote for the post of the day… the safe word is definitely NOT Lieberman.

    And I agree – safe words are so 90’s. I give my side dish a tazer to zap the shit out of me. Literally, unfortunately. But at least she has no bruises!

  • BayAreaGuy

    YOU MISSED THE BEST PART OF THIS STORY! Roddy Jetton is famous for stripping state Rep. Scott Lipke of his position as char of the Committee on Crime Prevention and Public Safety because Lipke succeeded in doing away with an archaic law that discriminated against gays and lesbians and criminalized gay sex.

    Jetton was quoted as saying that that action was “dangerous,” referred to gay sex as “deviate” [sic].

    So, I guess drugging and beating a woman as you screw her is good clean fun, but gay sex is “deviate”?