our operatives explain

Sarah Palin ‘Book-Signing’ Is Very Complicated System Involving Various Piles Of Books

Age appropriateSarah Palin came to Northern Virginia over the weekend to sign her ghost writer’s book, and she brought along with her the first snow of the season. (Friends call her Snow Miser.) Your Wonkette was going to go but did not, because shut up. Fortunately operative “Bruce” weathered the freezing cold to meet the Snowbilly and get his book signed — but was it really his?

I went to the Palin book signing. Here’s the rundown.

* I got in line at 9:30. I ended up being just around the middle of the line.
* She arrived through the back at 11am
* They forced you to buy a BJs membership in order to get a book signed.
* They forced you to buy a book from BJs, even if you already had your own book. You had to show your receipt.
* They took away all bags and cameras before you got to palin. I took some SECRET SPY photos with my Jesus phone. They are blurry — sorry.
* You didn’t get “your” book back, you got a different one.
– Walk in, give them your book, it goes into the first pile
– A handler gives Palin a book from a second pile
– Sarah signes that book and puts it into a 4th pile.
– As you walk out, a book is given to you from a 5th pile.
* 2 books max a person.
* No personalizations (because you don’t get the same book you give).
* Sarah shook our hands, took my friend’s hand into hers, and told her that her hands were very cold.
* It was cold as fuck outside. everyone had to wait outside, the inside of BJs was pretty much empty.
* Sarah’s parents and aunt were also there and allowed you to take pictures.
* I was out of there around 1pm.

Two questions:

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(1) What is the third pile? Is that the pile of books Sarah is signing at any one time? Does she have nine writing hands?

(2) What happens between the first and second piles, and the fourth and fifth piles? We’re thinking some sort of… vetting. Books in the first pile are scanned through to look for any prank graffiti or whatever, so Sarah doesn’t open them and find pictures of fat donkey penises on the title page, which would produce a comical and well-Internetted reaction. Once cleared, they go into the second pile. Similarly, books Sarah puts into the fourth pile are scanned to make sure Sarah didn’t accidentally write or draw anything, like pictures of fat donkey penises.

Hooray!

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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101 comments

  1. Texan Bulldoggette

    What’s with the Castro-esque hat? I actually didn’t realize there was a hat big enough in this world to fit onto her monstrously inflated head.

  2. Extemporanus

    I encourage everyone to listen to this classic Soul Coughing track to help get you through the thread:

    BUS TO BEELZEBUB

    “I’ll scratch you raw
    L’etat c’est moi
    I drink the drink
    And I’m wall to wall
    I absorb trust like a love rhombus
    I feel I must elucidate
    I ate the chump with guile
    Quadrilateral I was
    Now I warp like a smile

    Yellow no. 5
    Yellow no. 5, 5, 5…”

    Voulez-vous the bus?

  3. Buzz Feedback

    How do I get one of these BJ memberships? We don’t have those where I live. East Coast bias!

  4. OReillysVibrator

    So much for my plan for putting her book jacket on the cover of Mein Kampf and getting her to sign it. Then again, this complicated nonsense probably stemmed from several previous attempts to get her to do this anyway.

  5. gurukalehuru

    This is just so she can say she is selling piles and piles of books.
    It’s kind of like how they make you wait hours and hours out in the freezing cold, just so they can say “People waited hours and hours in the freezing cold.”
    Fuckers.

  6. Starrigavan

    Sounds like all that book swappin’ is just a metty-fore for socialism. And now that she’s a-wearin’ that commie Castro socialist cap we know what she’s up to…

  7. Extemporanus

    It’s fitting that such an irritating pain in the ass would have so many piles.

    Also, “BJs” membership? Is that, like, for people who wanna suck cock in bulk? Or suck bulky cock? Or?!…

  8. SayItWithWookies

    They force you to buy a book even if you brought your own. Nice marketing fascism there, Sarah.

  9. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    Wait. I thought Northern Virginia was “Fake America”. WTF? NOW she wants to be buddy buddy with Fake America also?

  10. Extemporanus

    [re=473345]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: [re=473350]Mac W Cheese[/re]: That’s actually her Bumpit™.

    She forgot to tease her wig back over the top of it, and everyone was too embarassed to say anything.

  11. ElitistMarxist

    [re=473347]One Yield Regular[/re]: For the same reason Glenn Beck is dressed up like a banana republic dictator (screened as in a teen comedy) on the cover of his book. It shows she’s “down” w/that. Next stop: the Christmas Sweater.

  12. M Lite

    See, she is a great manager. Managing five piles of books is a lot like governing Alaska…don’t make her quit it with your librul attacks!

  13. comicbookguy

    What’s it called when you have an unhealthy interest in Sarah’s piles?

    Are you going to have those pictures made into Xmas cards? also?

  14. RoscoePColtraine

    They can imagine a conspiracy to turn Snowbilly’s autograph into some funny graphic involving moose penises, but no one could have imagined using hijacked planes as terrorist weapons?

    What the holy fuck is going on here?

  15. Mahousu

    [re=473360]Extemporanus[/re]: It’s one of those pyramid schemes – you suck off the guy on the top of the list, put your name at the bottom, and then, if everything works out, eventually you work your way to the top and get a thousand BJs. Except, of course, that in reality things never work out and you get nothing.

    In other words, it’s the same as every corporation everywhere.

  16. Extemporanus

    Two things for Operative “Bruce”:

    1. Thank you for the selfless, exhaustive, clandestinely-photographed BJ
    2. That mint shirt looks great on you, and really brings out your arm veins

  17. germansteel

    The person in the left foreground is either a guy with unusually big man-boobs, or a woman with unusually hairy arms.

    I report, you decide.

  18. RoscoePColtraine

    Also, Sarah’s been coached.

    “Note their hands, are they hot or cold? Dry or clammy? Make small talk conversation based on this observation. Alternately, comment on their shirt/scarf/sweater. They will think of you as a keenly observant, caring celebrity politician.”

  19. stew

    Not surprised if they’re selling La Palin book by weight, not individual numbers. Hundred pounds worth and you get a free turkey slaugtering thing.

  20. shadowMark

    If someone in line has an epileptic seizure and then a guy opens an umbrella and starts pushing it up and down and a lady in a babushka starts taking photographs that might be a good time to quietly slip out of line and RUN.

  21. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=473390]Gomez Adams[/re]: You see future fat chick, I see true Presidential material. Look at it again. That expression just screams competence.

  22. shadowMark

    [re=473393]thefrontpage[/re]: It’s just a really bad hat. Remember what Clint Eastwood said in “Coogan’s Bluff:” The hat comes right off.

  23. foulmouthed mrscreant

    [re=473347]One Yield Regular[/re]: That dumb fucker John McCain’s brother, who might be equally as dumb, said northern Virginia (voters) are a bunch of commies while stumping for the tweedles in ’08, to excuse why they would lose Virginia. Sarah’s handlers are using her well.

  24. Way Cool Larry

    I’m sure she just does as she’s told, but still, it sounds rather complicated for SP to handle

  25. DustBowlBlues

    [re=473345]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You think Castro hat, I saw Mao’s troops. I think I win, because they wear dog-fur coats in China, and you know she has a few of them in her closet.

  26. Mad Brahms

    Bruce is one of only a handful of Bothan spies to make it out alive with this information, and for that he deserves a medal.

    Details on Jesus-phone, please.

  27. Escape Goat Nation

    I read her book. In it, Palin writes about how Brilliant and Deadly Sociopaths Battle 3 Courageous FBI Agents. Who will win? I don’t want to spoil it for you. You’ll just have to read it or ask Sarah if she remembers what happens in the book when she forces you to buy another copy to sign it.

  28. DustBowlBlues

    [re=473350]Mac W Cheese[/re]: Well, damn. I wish I’d read the comments first. At least we didn’t post them fast enough to elicit a “why don’t you two get a room” comment. I hope.

  29. DustBowlBlues

    OT, but I have to tell you, my best friends, the wonkeratti. (My best pretend friends, anyway):

    G**dammit, I love when my favorite shit comes together. The PBS Newshour teamed up with the CS Monitor and a spokeslady from the AFL-CIO. Even Bible Spice can’t snow on my fucking parade for a minute or two.

  30. SeattleWA

    I don’t know about the 3rd pile, but here’s my guesses about the 4th and 5th piles:

    4th pile – Actually signed books to be kept in storage by Palin and sold for real money when she’s prez/world ruler.

    5th pile – Books signed by underlings well trained in Palin’s signature (alternatively: robot).

    Signing books is hard work, you don’t expect Palin to just give that away for nothing do you!?

  31. Servo

    Dressed to drill, I see. Most of those “books” will end up on QVC, just before the cubic zirconia Jeebus.

  32. BlueStateLibtard

    That procedure sounds like something out of a gulag camp. Sarah, what about the freedoms?

    Kudos to Brave Bruce, as he’ll henceforth be known, for braving the den of the Snow Queen.

  33. foulmouthed mrscreant

    The third pile is for hiding all the eggos she’s certainly making the teabaggers bring her, for a wink and a smile.

  34. WesternCorrespondent

    [re=473452]SeattleWA said, “I don’t know about the 3rd pile… “[/re]:

    I do, I do! That’s Sarah skimming off the top.

    She’s selling the books in the 3rd pile TWICE. They go back into one of the boxes, then to the display where the other books are stacked up….

  35. rottenart

    [re=473355]OReillysVibrator[/re]: It’s a bit like the warning on champagne bottles that says, “do not point directly at face when opening” or superglue tubes that say, “do not eat.” If it says it, somebody tried it.

    The good news is that somebody is hoarding copies of “Going Rouge” unwittingly signed by $P. I mean, c’mon, she can’t be expected to notice a little thing like the spelling of the title of her own book, can she? She’s got important problems to solve! Muslim fascist communist Amurika-hatin’ death panels are afoot! Also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  36. BobTheBuilder

    First Glenn Beck as a third-world dictator, now Sarah Palin dressed like Fidel. What next: Rush with a Mao jacket?

  37. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    Time to ask the question that’s been nagging at me since I first saw this picture. Who’s side boob?

    If it’s Peter Griffin’s I’m going to hurt somebody. I promised he would only get away with that once.

  38. rocktonsammy

    This ends with $P crashing her snow machine at the end of her driveway as Todd chases her with a hockey stick.

    Levi is hiding behind a tree giggling like a little girl and yelling, “what happened?”

  39. badmuthagoose

    This is what I’ve wanted to do: plant people in the line to get what’s-her-face up there to sign the book. Every second or third person (or maybe just totally random, right?) gets up there and acts all fawning and stupid, the way they are supposed to act but then they suddenly blurts out a really good scathing bitchy question to her. All point blank and starin’ her down like. Of course she’ll make some nonsensical non-funny joke and laugh at it and give the secret nod to have the person escorted away (“JUST FOR THAT, WE KEEP YOUR BOOK!”) but then WHO KNOWS when the next time is that one of these stupid looking mouth breathers ACTUALLY turns out to be a smurt librul with their evil questions about her lack of knowledge and lack of anything.

    It’ll have her SO rattled, because you know, there really WILL be mouth breathers fawning all over her every other person or so. Maybe several in a row. Then BLAM: WHY WAS TRIG BORN IN TEXAS?

    It would be awesome.

  40. Violenza

    She wore that hat so people would talk about her fucking hat and it WORKED, people! She looks sooo funny in that picture, like a balloon. I fear that she has become so much of an asshole that I am starting to like her. Or maybe it’s just because I like balloons.

  41. WesternCorrespondent

    [re=473526]badmuthagoose said, “It’ll have her SO rattled, because you know, there really WILL be mouth breathers fawning all over her every other person or so. Maybe several in a row. Then BLAM: WHY WAS TRIG BORN IN TEXAS? It would be awesome.”[/re]:

    Either you just broke the “TriG Truther” question wide open — they picked up a kid from the hospital just down the street from their hotel in Dallas, and smuggled him home to become “TriG” — or you don’t realize Palin’s story is that she still carried him via uterus, while leaking vital fluids, all the way back to Alaska.

  42. foulmouthed mrscreant

    [re=473569]WesternCorrespondent[/re]: Her backers (FOX, Murdoch, et al.) had a fucking hissy fit about President Obama’s speech to children, charging him of trying to control the children. The republicans started this farce and the dumb fucks are eating it up. $arah even said recently that, in parenting, the telling the kids to “OBEY” should do the job. Fuck!!!

  43. badmuthagoose

    [re=473569]WesternCorrespondent[/re]: I broke the question WIDE THE HELL OPEN. You know how I know? I LIVE IN DALLAS.

  44. danceswithcougars

    You had to give a BJ just to get her to sign a book? That’s dedication. Thanks for the info about Sarah’s piles.

  45. ivenson

    [re=473390]Gomez Adams[/re]: “She’s kinda looking like a future fat chick in that picture.”

    I thought she could have borrowed the hat from Meg McCain, so yeah. Maybe not fat now, but eventually pushing maximum density, Claire.

  46. ShiningMathPath

    The signing protocol is a variant of the “Bridges of Konigsberg” problem, of course. Haha, clever Sarah keeping herself amused!

  47. chascates

    I bet Piper is signing half the books. Did anyone ask for Trig’s palm print or a pap smear from Bristol?

  48. sezme

    [re=473542]Violenza[/re]: People, enough about the hat! She is dressed as the proverbial ‘Green Balloon’. Why do you hate all women/safe words?

  49. LowerdPeninsula

    Why is Palin dressed as the illegtimate wife of Che Guevera?

    BTW, does anyone else think Palin’s daddy looks like that gold-digging, whore-prince that’s married to Zsa Zsa Gabor? What’s his name? Prince Freddy von A-hole?

  50. maximumneanderthal

    Is that blurred flesh-toned image at top right the legs of a dead turkey that someone’s about to smack her over the head with………….?

  51. Darkness

    Imagine the reaction if say, Chelsea Clinton showed up in that Fidel Topper.

    [re=473360]Extemporanus[/re]: Pile o’ win.

  52. Citizen Kang

    How exactly do I get membership in this BJ club to which you refer? I’d prefer to be on the receiving end, but if I have to do a few to get a few I’m not philosophically opposed to it…heterosexually opposed, but NOT philosophically.

  53. Sheldonio

    [re=473346]Extemporanus[/re]: …and does Leibermann walk around in circles,walk around in circles??

Comments are closed.