So sad, this Christmastime. Last year, we could still sort of laugh. That fancy Barack Obama had won the presidency, after all. Maybe we would, uhh, weather the storm? Come back stronger?! Well, sorry about that. But it’s the Season of Xmas, and we’ve got a super special selection of cheap-ass unwanted “America-themed” old-pantyhose stuffers to make your whole holiday a crushing reminder of just how much things suck, in the Year of our Baby Lord Jesus 2009/2010.
Everything here is 100% factually correct, meaning you can PURCHASE these products, if you have some money or one of those “credit cards” …. which you don’t, not anymore, so just enjoy the color pictures on the public library’s ‘puter.
TIGER WOODS ACTION FIGURES
Oh, look at these figures, how they do the golf thing! “I got 10 whores,” they seem to say, “and I’ve done irreparable damage to my accounting-firm advertising contracts. For! For what!? Agghhgh oh hell why didn’t I show some basic human decency? Oh right I am a SPORTS PERSONALITY.” Man, Barack Obama sure must be having a Blue Christmas, having shamefully cavorted with this golf-star multi-racial athletic version of Rush Limbaugh. Class it up, Obama! And the rest of you people can just buy these hilarious Tiger Woods figures and leave them all over the place: Under the tree, in Mom’s bed (!!!), out in the trash, etc. [Tiger Woods Figurines]
75 POUNDS OF FREEDOM FRIES (AND FOUR CUPS OF RANCH DRESSING)
All hail the Freedom Tray. Our nation’s obese welfare queens will appreciate this on-the-go mobile hog trough for both its capacity (75 lbs.!) and the “buy one get one free” gimmick Americans love, because they are lazy and always trying to get something for nothing. This is the very last product still manufactured in America, unless you count “Hot Wings,” so buy one (or two!) and remember the sad, final days of the USA. $19.95, for two of these things! Just imagine loading 150 LBS. of cheese-steak burgers and carbonated corn syrup on your massive lap. [Freedom Tray]
SUPER-CUTE BABY ONESIE FOR TRIG’S CLONE-BABY ARMY
If you live in one of the “red states,” where infants are allowed to vote because who cares, your baby child probably “voted with Trig,” which means “pooped everywhere.” And you, as a Sarah Palin-lovin’ single mom out in Real Pro-America Amerikkka, are totally not projecting at all by implying your child also has special needs, like Trig, who will one day lead America in the final War On Xmas, which is called Armageddon. (This is all in Stephen King’s book, The Stand, and also probably the “Holy Bible.” LOOK IT UP.) [Zazzle.com]
ARTICLE ABOUT ROBOTS KILLING/CLEANING ANIMAL MEAT FOR YOU TO CONSUME
Does someone on your wish list love to eat industrial cow products? Maybe they also love THE FUTURE? Then here is the gift, simple and fun, just $31.50 for the Full Download of Guidelines for designing washdown robots for meat packaging applications. Mmm, industrial robots killing fear-eyed sentient meat-animals raised in hellish meat-animal warehouse abattoirs! In other words, Christmas Pudding! [Science Direct]
CHILDREN’S BOOK FEATURING SARAH PALIN AND HER SACK OF PATRIOTIC DILDOS
Everybody loves kids, right? WRONG. America’s Favorite Mom, Sarah Palin, doesn’t even like her own children, except for that one she waves around at book-tour stops as a patriotic anti-abortion prop. If there are children in your family or extended family, you may be expected to “buy them toys.” Fuck that shit. Get them this hateful, half-literate illustrated dildo story about Sarah Palin abducting these street urchins. How patriotic are Palin’s Dildos? Dude, they’re redder than RedState.com! [Book about Sarah Palin, for children]
SEXY OBAMA DILDO IS ACTUAL DILDO!
Did Obama fuck you over, with that whole war thing? Well, do what any American would do: Get revenge! Fuck him back! This super-hot Xmas Dildo features Barack Obama as the actual dildo. Put it wherever you’d love to put a dildo! Or just stand in the yard at night, shaking it at carolers and passers-by. It’s okay to cry. Lots of people are crying now, all the time! [Barack Obama Dildo]
$53,000 ‘REAL DOLL’ OF HOT UKRAINIAN LADY PRESIDENT
Politicians are generally such hideous subhuman monstrosities that the immediate response to any semi-hot elected leader is a sexy simulacrum such as this crazy porcelain doll of Yulia Tymoshenko, braided-haired Orange Goddess of the Ukraine. While $53K is obviously way out of range of this year’s Poorhouse War On Xmas guide, it’s still free to masturbate to this picture, of a little doll. It’s okay to keep crying, too. Even Jesus wept, before he was killed! [Prime Time Russia/Coilhouse via Wonkette commenter Cranky Little Camperette]
NOSTALGIC WINGNUT NOVELTY GIFT
You know what wingnuts used to go crazy about, before they found out a black person could become president of White America? Invading Iraq. Loved it loved it. Well, not so much when George H.W. Bush did it, back in 1991, because he was the New World Order. But when Poppy Bush’s Defense Secretary became George W. Bush Junior’s Vice President, a decade later, then it was somehow totally cool and great and very, very conservative to invade Iraq. Anyone who questioned this idiocy was branded a member of the “Axis of Weasels,” a very funny & clever spin on “Axis of Evil,” which was an actual phrase used by the Bush Administration …. oh for fuck’s sake, let’s not dive all the way into that particular sewage canal, because it’s just too painful. And now NewsMax is selling these hilarious “Axis of Weasels” playing cards — it was a topical joke in 2003, really! — for 95 cents, because who would fucking want this dumb crap? Also, Ted Kennedy is DEAD, show some respect. [NewsMax]
ALSO: If you’re feeling extra nostalgic for the old pro-America America, please enjoy our 2008 War On Xmas Gift Guide, or even our very old 2006 War On Xmas Gift Guide. We used to have “hope,” hahahahahah.
{ 71 comments }
Sarah Palin is such a prima donna she brings her own bag of dicks, for eating.
Yulia is HAWT.
I’ll take two of each please. And don’t bother to wrap them. I’ll just eat them here.
Finally I know what to get for my dear relatives who keep sending me four-year-old anti-ACLU “War on Christmas” emails. Anything on this list will do nicely—except for the Yulia Tymoshenko doll. That’ll be my present to myself, because, um, I’m interested in eastern European politics and stuff.
Can I wear Trig’s onesie during sex??
When are they coming out with the Rush Limpbaugh Chia Pet?
[re=473966]Humpback[/re]: Dicks, Dildos, or Julias?
I only have a couple of weeks to assemble my onesie-wearing Tiger Real Doll with Dildo and Freedom Tray.
Well, I guess we know what Uncles Ken & Jim are getting Baby K. Smith.
Gah, I remember when those fucking cards were being advertised all over the place, including some liberal blogs. The heady days, when being against invading another country for no reason made one an anti-American traitor; now “jokes” about killing the president are fine for Real Murrkin Patriots.
@ Ken
“Rerun your search for “american meat robot ” on ScienceDirect. Search”
American meat robot? Really Ken?
YES! ScienceDirect subscription FTW!
Y’all are gettin’ PDFs about killer robots for Christmas.
Just keep the Tiger Woods doll away from this one or Windemere Barbie will be very displeased.
Green balloons are always a thoughtful gift.
[re=473985]suchsweetthunder[/re]: Hey these gift guides don’t write themselves!
Bravo Layne, Bravo. And extra points for getting “abattoir” in to the War on Xmas guide.
I haz a sad now.
hahaha, I’m Jewish. I’m giving the traditional Chanukah gifts to my family- underwear, pajamas, socks and a nice check. No plastic crap around our house(although the Obama “thing” is very nice looking)
Thank you for being hilarious.
John Kerry looks tired.
Finally, something about that person who plays golf or something.
Behold! The CHRISTmas tree:
http://www.bosscreations.net/
Putting Christ back into CHRISTmas!
($599.99)
But does the Tiger action doll come with a gaggle of scantily clad Bratz Dolls?
I ain’t buying that Yulia Tymoshenko doll until they dress it like Princess Leia in her gold bikini.
Aww shit, the Yulia doll isn’t life sized.
[re=473972]bago[/re]: Babies.
[re=473996]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Don’t worry.
Tiger hired a new golf coach to help keep him out of life’s many sand traps (aka “greedy whores”).
[re=474025]chascates[/re]: Merry Crucifixion!
[re=473965]proudgrampa[/re]: Word.
If you lock Gift 1 in a closet with Gift 7, eventually you wind up with Gift 3.
You: “Sweetheart which dildo do you want to use tonight?”
Your Significant Other: “THAT ONE!”
[re=474025]chascates[/re]: Holy shit. Celebrate Jesus’ birth, with props from his death!
[re=474033]Extemporanus[/re]: That is unspeakably filthy. Also, since its ‘catholicsupply’, shouldn’t jesus be groping the caddy from behind instead of the golfer?
Keep the “listicles” coming!!
[re=474025]chascates[/re]: How about a crown of thorns garland?
Or a 1/2 scale scantily clad, bloodied jeebus hanging off that thing?
It has to be said that the dildos in Sarah Palin’s bag o’ dildos, look like the erect penises of perhaps a pack of Portuguese water dogs, which she maybe just cut off much to the delight/chagrin of the two boys and a rat (former Georgia Gov. Roy Barnes) standing near her.
[re=474025]chascates[/re]: Did you notice how enormous some of the stockings are on the fireplace? Who knew Bigfoot was a fundamentalist?!
[re=474025]chascates[/re]: WOW Remember that funny thing Lenny Bruce said about how if jesus had been put to death these days his followers would all be wearing little electric chairs “round there necks? I see a christmas tree proudly standing in the lap of an electric chair, Go JEESEUS!1!111
Spending $600 for two 2x4s seems a little much. You could buy dinner for dozens of hungry people for that but that’s not so much in the spirit of CHRISTmas.
[re=474025]chascates[/re]: Rather like celebrating Anne Frank day by gathering around the gas chamber. Oh sorry, was one of those two things tasteless?
[re=474023]engulfedinflames[/re]: “Sports,” like golf for example, you unpatriotic hippie, build character. Hacky-sack does not build character. We need more people of character, like Tiger. He has much character, and appears — or used to appear — in an add on every other page of the Wall Street Journal, whose advertisers apparently believe that skill in hitting a little ball into a little hole, or battering some other player, or fucking a lot of blonde women, somehow translates to business success. If I only understood this relationship, I too might be successful in business.
[re=474025]chascates[/re]: I have to admit, when I look at that tree the phrase “Jesus Christ” comes to mind.
[re=474043]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Ha ha, “listicles”! The scare-quotes are part of the word! Was it WaPo that improved the English language by coining this wonderful term?
That dildo certainly looks like it puts the O in O-Face.
[re=474033]Extemporanus[/re]: Ill.
[re=474052]V572625694[/re]: a little ball into a little hole…or fucking a lot of blonde women
Redundancy alert.
[re=473987]SmutBoffin[/re]: I want one of these:
http://www.robotictechnologyinc.com/images/upload/file/Cyclone%20Power%20Press%20Release%20EATR%20Rumors%20Final%2016%20July%2009.pdf
[re=474034]freakishlystrong[/re]: [re=474040]magic titty[/re]: Merry Crucifucktion!
Celebrate His birth and death this year by double penetrating your Holiest of holey places with latex items bearing His hypo-allergenic likeness!
Let Jesus fuck you! The power of Christ cumpels you!
[re=474054]V572625694[/re]: The word was actually “charticle”, and yes: http://wonkette.com/411936/brawl-at-wapo-office-old-coot-editor-goes-nuts
[re=474033]Extemporanus[/re]: So wait, are all the priests just following their lord and savior’s example?
[re=474066]Extemporanus[/re]: Wow! Even ‘glow-in-the-dark’! The Second Coming! And the Third, the Fourth, the Fifth, …
sons of whores totally beat me to my trading card idea– except mine would be Religious Right celebridicks, disgraced GOP govs & state reps, misc. C-Street ghouls, etc… featuring their voting stats, idiotic public declarations and of course pertinent bio info evidencing what hypocritical cocksores they are.
[re=473965]proudgrampa[/re]: I would like to wrap Yulia’s long, golden braids around bare, porcelain neck, and then slowly, silently, tighten them until finally, with her last conscious breath, she manages to erotically rasp the words “Зелені кулі” into my waiting ear, because I have a feeling that the look in her eyes upon realizing that I don’t speak Ukrainian would be both super fucking sexy and also quite comical.
I have a dream. I dream that that baby wearing that I vote with Trig onesy will grow up and meet other babies whose mothers put them in Trig onesies. I have a dream that those children will buck the trends of their hideous genetic disadvantages and upbringing and develop and cultivate respectible intellects. I have a dream that they will not be wooed into thinking that even though someone is a complete and total moron, they are still qualified for higher office because (and I grudgingly admit this) her legs are nice enough to be put on display without forcing one to vomit in one’s lap.
I have a dream that this will come to pass and on their eighteenth birthday they will walk up to their mother and or father (whomever put them in the offending onesy in the first place), hand the parent of themselves in the aforesaid garment, and while the parent is distracted, the grown up children will punch their parents in the face. Hard.
Saying “Thats for being an idiot,” after is merely a bonus.
Now to fap to the doll picture.
[re=474033]Extemporanus[/re]: “Jesus is my cockblocker.”
I WANT MORE RECIPES! Like, like, the Nancy Reagan Racist Monkey Bread.
[re=474052]V572625694[/re]: Makes sense. Still doesn’t ‘splain how/why the world series of poker must be broadcast on ESPN, though.
[re=473965]proudgrampa[/re]: I heart Yulia. She would eat Sarah Palin for lunch. And unlike Sarah, Yulia has her own Actual Political Party, named after her, with her actual name in it, actually. Bloc Yulia Tymoshenko, also.
I got excited when I saw that there was a “Real Doll” of Yulia… until I saw that it wasn’t a real Realdoll but just some porcelain thing that would surely shatter if I tried to mount it.
[re=474087]Extemporanus[/re]: Bozhe moi…
The Tiger Woods commemorative could be re-tooled with Rod Jetton’s face, since they look a bit imposing. When you order one, what will your safe word be?
[re=474074]chascates[/re]: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy glow-in-the-dark rod and thy staff they comfort me. Oh Christ, my Lord, how they comfort me. Oh Lord; oh God. Oh God, oh God, OH GOD, OH MY GOD! OHMYGOD! YES! YES! YES! YESYESYESJESUSCHRISTYEESSS!!!
[re=474087]Extemporanus[/re]: “Зелені кулі” – Is that “Green Balloons” ??
Not to nitpick, but those “patriotic dildos” of Palin’s are actually severed dog penises. Yes, she is a monster. And yes, my Christmas is ruined.
[re=474101]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Yulia also has an actual education beyond community college, also. She also finishes out her terms in office, also.
How many white t-shirted action figures do one Tiger needs?
http://www.stormfront.org/forum/showthread.php?p=7588320
[re=474105]Chickensmack[/re]: Sure as shit won’t be “green balloons” I can tell you that
[re=474146]chaste everywhere[/re]: Jesus Fucking Christ, Stormfront?!? Now I have to burn my computer!
[re=474139]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: Not to nitpick, but did I not just [re=474047]say[/re] that?
What about the ultimate feel good present for 2009?
Obama shaped ecstasy pill
http://www.cbsnews.com/blogs/2009/12/02/crimesider/entry5864845.shtml
Lucky bastard that I am, I have no need to wonder what to get or do for Yule: I’ll be working on that holy day, as well as New Year’s ( which is truly a blessing, since I sincerely despise Satan Claus & his posse of flying mutant ruminants & captive workaholic Vulcan dwarf henchmen with the fury of a million blazing suns … & am much too antisocial to “partay on down” when the calendar turns over ) – ahh, sweet sweet holiday pay.
[re=474074]chascates[/re]:
The Second Cumming, indeed.
BTW, that Yulia doll looks like Rod Jetton just got through with her. The makeup looks like blackeyes.
I found the Yulia Tymoshenko doll hard to inflate and not traditionally Ukrainian, in that it didn’t weep and bleed from the hands.
[re=474370]sezme[/re]: “Not to nitpick, but did I not just say that?”
Yes you did, and yes I am guilty of not reading all of the comments before commenting. I am ashamed. And for what it’s worth, you own the severed dog penises.
[re=474495]Judas Peckerwood[/re]:
“You own the severed dog penises.”
YESSS!!!
“Show your support for Trig and her mother, Sara Palin”
That’s just plain silly — who would name a girl “Trig”?
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