By the Comics Curmudgeon
Usually your Comics Curmudgeon approaches his work with a certain lightness of heart. But today is not such a day. Today is a day in which cartoons will be angrily berated for their various failings. Today is the day of wrath, the one foretold by the prophets of ancient times. LET US BEGIN.
Click on the comics to make them larger and better see their flaws!
Oh, hi, Santa! “Saint Nick.” That’s Dutch, right? Anyway, I know you’re, like, 1,500 years old or whatever, but I thought maybe you could stay awake while listening to the rather serious list of problems we have in this country? I mean, I’m sorry if our troubles bore you, Santa. We’re just America, the country that liberated your Dutch homeland from the motherfucking Nazis. I’m sure you’d be thrilled if you spent all your days making toys for Hitler, with your certified Aryan elves, right? Oh, but where are you living now? The North Pole? The North Pole that’s easily within range of our Alaskan-based nuclear-armed bombers? Yeah, you should maybe keep awake a while, fat guy. Show a little respect. If you know what’s good for you.
Oh, hi, Pilgrims! You’re having your nice Thanksgiving dinner, and you’re giving thanks, probably for the fact that you didn’t starve to death like half of your buddies, right? Oh, wait, what’s that, you’re thanking God for a government that doesn’t try to run your life? You mean like the one you live under in your little colony of religious maniacs, where church attendance is fucking mandatory, and children are required to be educated just enough to read the bible? No, nobody’s running your life there, no sir! Oh, and of course if one of your neighbors thinks you’re acting weird, or just doesn’t like you, you can be tortured to see if you’re a witch, and then once you confess, you’ll be executed! But at least you don’t have to pay any fucking taxes, right? Fuck that noise. Mandatory tithing is where it’s at!
Oh, hi, turkey! Yeah, I guess it was Thanksgiving and all, a holiday where turkeys are traditionally killed by farmers, with axes! I say “traditionally” because most turkeys served in America today never see an actual farmer, and are instead killed by a low-wage agro-industrial worker, and rather than feeling the blade of an axe are just shoved alive into horrifying industrial poultry-processing devices, but anyway! It’d be pretty funny if a turkey threatened a farmer with an axe, amiright? What, I’m wrong? It wouldn’t be all that funny even if the joke hadn’t been used a gazillion times over the past hundred years? Well, I know what would make it funny — current events! Like, what if the turkey were the Fed, and the farmer were Congress! ’Cause, man, the Fed, it’s going to kill Congress, with an axe! Wouldn’t that be awesome? No, hold on, it wouldn’t, because, uh, Ron Paul and shit, I don’t know, the point is, axe-wielding turkey-Fed, it’s funny, and an important statement about our modern problems, trust me on this.
Oh, hi, Obamacare Express! Looks like you’re slowing down because the tracks are covered with the slippery blood of aborted babies! Now, I’m not an expert on pro-life propaganda, but, look, you’ve already got a train, right? Shouldn’t you really have worked a Holocaust metaphor into here? Should the Obamacare Express be pulling into Abortion Auschwitz (Aborschwitz?) right about now? With lots of little fetuses in striped pajamas? And Reid and Pelosi in SS uniforms? Come on, have the guts to see this madness through to its logical fucking conclusion, you know?
OK, uh, calm down, calm down, deep breaths, what have we here? Um, it looks like Thanksgiving with the Palins, that’s kind of pedestrian … and Sarah has made the turkey look like Levi, so that they can dismember and eat him, that’s … that’s pretty strange. But what’s this? Check out the bib on Tripp. It says “dang.” Just … “dang.” That is without question the funniest thing I’ve seen this week. Jeff Danziger, you sir, are a hero for our age!
{ 48 comments }
Why can’t the turkey in panel three make a cameo in panel two, and cut that bullshit right out?
I like how Todd’s just sittin’ there, arms crossed, all “Ha ha I knocked her up 5 or 7 times, and she still cooks me a turkey.”
Josh, has anyone ever told you that you’re beautiful when you’re angry?
it doesn’t matter if you confess or deny, you’re still going to be executed. it says so right in the bible, so you know it must be true, because santa never lies. and if you think otherwise, pilgrim, some axe-wielding turkey will herd your ass onto a cattle car, where you’ll be taken to alaska to eat the in-laws of everyone someone else doesn’t like. dang, that’s tasty!
“Dang” will be Sarah’s next daughter’s name. Of course it will be Levi’s.
Why was Curt Schilling used to represent Congress in panel three?
Except for Trig’s dang bib, the last cartoon is extremely disturbing. That turkey-man-face will haunt my dreams. And why is Satan sitting at the table with them?
So wait, in order to stop the healthcare express, Republicans have been greasing the tracks with aborted baby blood? And they call us monsters!
Oh, and wouldn’t a slick substance on your train tracks reduce friction and tend to increase your speed?
Metaphor fail.
Maybe they should have said “there’s congealing clots of fluid and tissue on these tracks” Or would that go too far?
Outside the outright stupidity of Asay’s cartoon….where is the blood coming from? Are there fetusi on the tracks being run over? I don’t see any, so the blood is….running uphill….from the pool of it on the left? Physics fail, dumbass.
Heh. “Aborschwitz.”
I can’t decide whether to steal that for my Wonkett screen name or my next rock band.
[re=471848]ivenson[/re]: Srsly. That’s so mortifying. I’ma go look at Levi’s Playgirl pics and smoke a Virginia Slim to get my nerves back down.
I was going to cry “fowl” on #3, but the resemblance between the bloated, axe-wielding turkey and Ben Bernanke is spooky.
[re=471850]doxastic[/re]: Judd Gregg is really breaking out the more arcane Senate obstruction tactics.
I have to say that that is one gloriously detailed turkey.
Here, I thought the Danziger cartoon was saying that, instead of a turkey, Palin actually cooked Levi and fed him to the family. I’m not sure what making the turkey look like him is supposed to mean.
But then, this week’s batch is unusually obtuse. Is the first one saying that Obama’s boring? That Santa’s an ass who just doesn’t care? Or something else? The Fed-as-turkey one doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, either – looks like the cartoonist just recycled a generic Thanksgiving cartoon and stuck topical labels on it.
[re=471854]binarian[/re]: Wonder twins powers: ACTIVATE!
That turkey looks just like Trigg!
[re=471847]dum librul[/re]: And Joe Lieberman the Fed?
Oh. Turkey. I get it.
Ken, what have you done with Josh?!!1
The pilgrim one puts the “Curmudgeon” in Comics Curmudgeon, verily. Also.
I would like to compare the countenance of Tripp in this last cartoon to the Yellow Kid who also didn’t speak but wore his ruminations on 19th century America on his shirt. And for 21st century America, “Dang” about sums it up.
Aborschwitz? Curmudgeon, they’re totally going to steal that. I’m surpised and also not surprised that the lifebirthers didn’t think of it already. Because of the short-bus factor. For both.
Dang, I don’t get it.
That’s a terrible drawing of Bristol. He really should have gone Frank Frazetta to draw Bristol. Bristol in Pellucidar. Yeah. And dinosaurs, too. Bristol in Pellucidar with dinosaurs. That’s a cartoon.
Just to pile on a bit, let’s remember that the Pilgrims, our ideal of independence and self-sufficiency, would’ve starved to death if it weren’t for the help they got from the Indians.
And the Asay one is indeed preposterous — as the fireman, Nancy Pelosi should be tossing the fetuses directly into the boiler’s furnace. With a pitchfork.
[re=471900]shadowMark[/re]: Ooo, ERB reference. Nice.
[re=471863]ivenson[/re]: ….”we will make blood flow….UPhill…”
[re=471903]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So, the Pilgrims accepted handouts? First welfare recipients!!!! Must’ve been Democratic Pilgrims.
[re=471853]ivenson[/re]: You’re just reading the metaphor wrong. The fetus-blood isn’t supposed to be slowing the train down, it’s just a reference to Dylan’s 1975 magnum opus, “Blood on the Tracks”; it’s a threat that Assay and his fellow wingnuts will be blowing their ‘Idiot Wind’ to stop healthcare reform by mixing anti-abortion nuttiness with it.
“Have the guts to see this madness through to its logical fucking conclusion” should be a constant theme when confronting the insanity of the abortion debate.
Have you seen the remarkable clip of his Tweetyness confronting the Bishop? He almost gets to the nut of the matter, that these people are insane and, at the very least. every sperm is sacred.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUTPhZmkIDI
[re=471903]SayItWithWookies[/re]: as the fireman, Nancy Pelosi should be tossing the fetuses directly into the boiler’s furnace. With a pitchfork.
Assey’s really been pulling his punches lately. I’m beginning to lose respect for the guy.
Is daddy pilgrim supposed to look like Al Gore? If so, shouldn’t he be thankful that there’s no such thing as carbon dioxide yet?
According to GoComics, Chuck Asay “sifts the events of the day through his biblical worldview and tries to persuade readers to see things his way”, so I can only assume that “blood of the innocent” is his way of expressing approval for an idea.
Does anyone remember “The Cook, the Thief, his Wife and her Lover”? So Bristol jokes with baby Dang at first that the turkey looks like daddy but then in the next panel she turns the knife on the Gover and, still angry about how Sarah drove Levi away, insists that she take the first bite. “I recommend the cock.”
Nice lifting of Richard F. Outcault’s style, Danziger
[re=472007]Paterlanger[/re]: Then he gets shot, before he dies from being Mr Chokesondik.
I wanted to shoot the little Viennese singer boy with Billy Idol hair.
[re=471861]JMP[/re]: I think it is saying, uh, Obama has a long Christmas list, hoo boy. How profound.
If the engineers would just lay the GROUND-UP BONES OF THE INNOCENT on the tracks, they could probably get enough traction to make it over the grade.
Oh my GOD Sarah Palin has cooked the corpse of… Todd? Levi? Who the fuck knows. Point is, CANNIBALS!
After the abortion train cartoon I need a drink and some quiet, meditative time about all the nice people I know, so I can feel good about humanity again.
That Fed turkey would be less intimidating if it did look EXACTLY like Chthulhu.
Ken Catalino (or whomever drew the turkey and the farmer) needs to get his butt to a hardware store and look at an ax. You don’t vaguely remember that some tool has some red on it, somewhere, and pretend that you know how to draw it when you make it a key part of a cartoon and embarrass yourself. This person has certainly never sharpened an ax or split wood or executed anything.
Ha Ha! Can’t decide whether I like Wonkette or comments best.
The pilgrim one is the worst, to me. Even worse than the abortion one. The pilgrim one is revisionist history at its best/worst. The pilgrims were effectively savages, who don’t get labeled as such because they were prudes, and prudes, throughout history, are always labeled as civilized.
and the pilgrims didnt celebrate xmas on purpose. also.
also, WHY does Bristol look like Oprah from 1989?
Train, blood on tracks, Michael Steele, cow, also.
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