Good-bye, shitty!Good lord, has it really been five years since famous baby panda “Butterstick” — which means Tai Shan in Chinese — was born in the Washington zoo? Yes it has, even though it feels like at least 50 years ago, and the once-adorable little puppet has turned into an immense, terrifying monster. Sometime this morning, the National Zoo will announce that Butterstick is being sent to China, forever. After all, China’s on the up and America’s on the down & out.

The Washington Post reports:

The zoo said last Spring that “Tai” was probably going to China this year, as part of a prior loan agreement with the Chinese government.

Although he has felt like ours since his birth at the zoo on July 9, 2005, he has always been Chinese property.

Ha ha, you could kind of say the same thing about the entirety of the United States of America! Anyway, good-bye, dumb bear. Sorry you’re from such a weird, doomed species! At least you’re kind of cute, from a distance! [Washington Post]

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  1. Does this mean Mexico owns all the anchor babies in this country, and will soon be collecting them for resettlement in Old Mexico? Lou Dobbs will be so happy.

  2. [re=471608]depraved indifference engine[/re]: And Ariana Huffington hasn’t gone to bed yet, if you know what I mean. (Greek[?] orgy.)

  3. Baby Pandas are so goddamn cute I can’t stand it. Maybe it’s sadistic, but when they grow up I take immense pleasure in videos of these creatures beating the living shit out of the occasional human being who manages to climb into their cages.

    But if you think those black and white pandas are cute, check out the Red Panda. That critter is so unbelievably cute that I have to consider the possibility that Intelligent Design is real and that God has lived among us in the guise of a cartoonist for Warner Bros., back when Mel Blanc was still alive.

    I can’t believe I’m writing this nonsense so early in the morning. I either need to get myself a drink of go fuck something. Later.

  4. Really OT, surprisingly good (much less bad) jobs report, Red State is going to shit themselves after reporting “tweets” about an uptick to 10.4%

  5. [re=471612]Dolmance[/re]: Red pandas look like the Italojapanese raccoon that Super Mario occasionally transforms into. Fifteen years ago. Jesus, was Super Mario Bros. 3 really released 15 years ago?

    I… I’ve… I’ve wasted a large percentage of my life.

  6. [re=471613]red sky[/re]: They will blandly assert that the downtick in the uptick (decrease in the increase?) of negative jobs numbers is due to the machinations of Acorn and then carry on as before.

  7. Noooooo, I love Butterstick. This is terrible news. China has lots of pandas now. Leave Butterstick here. Let’s picket the Chinese Embassy. I mean it.

  8. Whenever I read “Butterstick”, my mind flashes back to Last Tango in Paris, and then I get all disturbed. So I’m glad this porn symbol is getting deported.

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  10. NOOO!!! Not Butterstick!

    Undoubtedly he’s going to be sent to some re-education camp to study Mao’s LIttle Red Book and wash away the memory all those crappy reality shows he’s been inundated with in the hedonistic wasteland that is America.

  11. Butterstick and Wonkette will forever be joined in my memory. One led to the other five years ago…I just can’t remember which came first. Had to be Wonkette with the lack of Panda fucking and all.

  12. [re=471612]Dolmance[/re]: I’m a fan of the red panda (a cute, fiesty little thing), but wouldn’t be too sad to see the giant panda fulfill its by-now obvious evolutionary destiny. There’s something just not right about that so-called bear. But the last time I said that in public, I was beaten by an angry mob.

  13. [re=471645]Valentin1982[/re]: Valentin1982 has discovered the truth: they are sending Butterstick to China to make stylish and avant-garde handbags out of him!!!

  14. [re=471683]loquaciousmusic[/re]: “…and when I say that there is no panda used in the making of these products, what I mean is that there is some.”

  15. This seems like a lot of trouble simply to protect the sweet thing from David Vitter’s roving eye.

    And if we can endure Neilist for months on end, to Valentine1982 I offer a hale and hearty salute and a deep-throated “huzzah!” of welcum.

  16. I’m actually kind of relieved because his name always made me feel so uncomfortable, you know? But really I have lots of gay friends I love them, the gays.

  17. The first in a string of many loans from china to come do. You are a symbol of our national, tragedy, Butterstick.

    Here’s hoping they take you to the panda fertility lab. They get that panda sperm from somewhere…..

  18. [re=471678]Leftie Lucy[/re]: I’ve got a pitchfork and torch ready! Really, though, I don’t quite buy the whole “they’re obviously evolutionarily doomed anyway” thing, because they were doing just fine munching on bamboo and not-fucking very much until we came along and starting mowing their forests down and slaughtering them for their knucklebones or whatever so Asian dudes can get a boner.

    Anyway, echo the love of the red panda. Did you know that that’s actually the “firefox” of browser fame? They changed it to an actual fox that is on fire because a raccoon being called a fox would have been weird.

  19. Tell them they can have their Butterstick back when they come over here and take every one of their invasive carp home!!! And their snakeheads too!!! Immigrants go home!!

    Where is Lou Dobbs?? Where is he on this issue? This should be his thing!

  20. Apparently, pandaburgers are huge in China, and this panda’s going to be bred to raise more pandas for the panda beef market, and the huge pandaburger market. Panda jerky, smoked in smokehouses, is also good. Additionally, panda stew and panda chili are great, with the right mixture of vegetables and spices. And don’t forget panda beef soup, too! Yum!

  21. [re=471754]Vulpes82[/re]: Were they really “doing just fine,” though? I mean, the separate bedrooms were an obvious sign of trouble. I actually have no idea if the gigantic flabby bear-orca creatures really are obviously “doomed,” but I sure am glad that it’s not my job to make them get it on or make them pay attention to the freakish-looking pink gummy-bears they call babies.

    I normally don’t like raccoons either. That red panda has one hell of a good image consultant. It must be so embarassed by its disreputable North American relatives.

  22. [re=471612]Dolmance[/re]: I know what you mean about Intelligent Design (and getting drunk). For instance, there can be no reason for white paws on any dog (like Bo) except to make them look even cuter.

  23. “Although he has felt like ours since his birth at the zoo on July 9, 2005, he has always been Chinese property.”

    Total softball Ken, but still – way to crush it!

    Also, this sounds just like the plot to some crappy 80s kids’ film. Butterstick is ET and today, we are all Eliot.

  24. How can you people not like pandas?

    Butterstick and his parents need better negotiators. Those San Diego pandas just got a 4 year extenion on their 12 year stay. Or something.

  25. [re=471838]ivenson[/re]: Raises an interesting question – what would Spielberg do with a panda? Transform it into a unstoppable killing machine or cuddly messiah?

  26. This is complete BULLSHIT!

    Butterstick (never mind this “Tai Shan” Commie Crap) is just another typical young horny AMERICAN male WHO IS BEING SHIPPED OFF TO A MILITARY ACADEMY just because he . . . . well . . . I guess this calls for another quote:

    Otter: “Ladies and Gentlemen: I’ll be brief: The issue isn’t whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female guests. We did. [Winking at Dean Wormer.]”

    You Lie-Burl-Al Pussies can go along with this TRYANNY. But Butterstick and I are NOT going to sit here while you bad mouth the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

    :::Humming National Anthem:::

    [Since I can’t quote Kipling anymore, I went to the next best thing.]

  27. [re=472072]Neilist[/re]: And, here I was thinking you’d make some joke about offing the poor thing. Meh. You’re losing your ham-fisted magic touch…mmmm….ham….

  28. First the Chinese came for Butterstick, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Panda;
    Then they came for the Sweater Puppies, and I did not speak out—because I did not have Sweater Puppies;
    Then they came for the Buttsex, and I did not speak out—because I did not have the Buttsex;
    Then they came for Gin—and there was no one left to speak out for me.

  29. [re=472496]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: If that is some suggestion/implication that Butterstick tastes like ham . . .

    . . . Damn you! Damn you, Sir!

    (Anyway, everyone knows Pandas taste just like chicken . . . in this case, Kung Pao Chicken with Sauteed Bamboo Shoots.)

  30. A spokesperson for the Chinese Ambassador reacted angrily to suggestions that China did not think highly enough of its pandas.

    “That not true! We love our pandas… Especially with blackbean sauce.”

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