ALIVE STUFFED ANIMALS  8:26 am December 4, 2009

Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China

by Ken Layne

Good-bye, shitty!Good lord, has it really been five years since famous baby panda “Butterstick” — which means Tai Shan in Chinese — was born in the Washington zoo? Yes it has, even though it feels like at least 50 years ago, and the once-adorable little puppet has turned into an immense, terrifying monster. Sometime this morning, the National Zoo will announce that Butterstick is being sent to China, forever. After all, China’s on the up and America’s on the down & out.

The Washington Post reports:

The zoo said last Spring that “Tai” was probably going to China this year, as part of a prior loan agreement with the Chinese government.

Although he has felt like ours since his birth at the zoo on July 9, 2005, he has always been Chinese property.

Ha ha, you could kind of say the same thing about the entirety of the United States of America! Anyway, good-bye, dumb bear. Sorry you’re from such a weird, doomed species! At least you’re kind of cute, from a distance! [Washington Post]

 
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{ 56 comments }

AggieDemocrat December 4, 2009 at 8:30 am

I always knew Butterstick was a Chinese sleeper agent. Good riddance.

Whitey Did Katrina December 4, 2009 at 8:30 am

That is a fucked up mulatto to have to look at before 9am.

red sky December 4, 2009 at 8:31 am

Does this mean Mexico owns all the anchor babies in this country, and will soon be collecting them for resettlement in Old Mexico? Lou Dobbs will be so happy.

depraved indifference engine December 4, 2009 at 8:32 am

Ken is totally winning the morning today. I bet Josh Marshall isn’t even out of bed yet.

Whitey Did Katrina December 4, 2009 at 8:37 am

[re=471608]depraved indifference engine[/re]: And Ariana Huffington hasn’t gone to bed yet, if you know what I mean. (Greek[?] orgy.)

Dolmance December 4, 2009 at 8:38 am

Baby Pandas are so goddamn cute I can’t stand it. Maybe it’s sadistic, but when they grow up I take immense pleasure in videos of these creatures beating the living shit out of the occasional human being who manages to climb into their cages.

But if you think those black and white pandas are cute, check out the Red Panda. That critter is so unbelievably cute that I have to consider the possibility that Intelligent Design is real and that God has lived among us in the guise of a cartoonist for Warner Bros., back when Mel Blanc was still alive.

I can’t believe I’m writing this nonsense so early in the morning. I either need to get myself a drink of go fuck something. Later.

red sky December 4, 2009 at 8:39 am

Really OT, surprisingly good (much less bad) jobs report, Red State is going to shit themselves after reporting “tweets” about an uptick to 10.4%

Potater December 4, 2009 at 8:43 am

[re=471612]Dolmance[/re]: You should fuck Jonah. I hear a red panda is his fursona.

Whitey Did Katrina December 4, 2009 at 8:45 am

[re=471612]Dolmance[/re]: Red pandas look like the Italojapanese raccoon that Super Mario occasionally transforms into. Fifteen years ago. Jesus, was Super Mario Bros. 3 really released 15 years ago?

I… I’ve… I’ve wasted a large percentage of my life.

x111e7thst December 4, 2009 at 8:51 am

[re=471613]red sky[/re]: They will blandly assert that the downtick in the uptick (decrease in the increase?) of negative jobs numbers is due to the machinations of Acorn and then carry on as before.

Terry December 4, 2009 at 8:53 am

Noooooo, I love Butterstick. This is terrible news. China has lots of pandas now. Leave Butterstick here. Let’s picket the Chinese Embassy. I mean it.

coolcatdaddy December 4, 2009 at 8:57 am

Sigh. The birthers will probably want to send Obama back to Kenya, too.

TGY December 4, 2009 at 8:58 am

The Chinese giveth and the Chinese taketh away.

Barcode of the Apocalypse December 4, 2009 at 9:02 am

Whenever I read “Butterstick”, my mind flashes back to Last Tango in Paris, and then I get all disturbed. So I’m glad this porn symbol is getting deported.

Country Club Jihadi December 4, 2009 at 9:02 am

[re=471621]Terry[/re]: I’ll call Wu-Tang and we’ll meet you there.

AggieDemocrat December 4, 2009 at 9:06 am

That picture – that’s a very sad panda.

frailamerica December 4, 2009 at 9:06 am

Can’t he defect!?

freakishlystrong December 4, 2009 at 9:07 am

Butterstick Schmutterstick, check out the fuckin’ tags! First in-office inappropriate laff o’ the day.

Terry December 4, 2009 at 9:16 am

[re=471632]freakishlystrong[/re]:

Those tags are a direct result of Anna-Marie no longer writing the Butterstick items for Wonkette. LOL

Valentin1982 December 4, 2009 at 9:34 am

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,Here are the most popular, most stylish and avant-garde shoes,handbags,Tshirts, jacket,Tracksuit w ect… For details, please consult http://www.kkshoe.com Christmas sale, free shipping discounts are beautifully gift.

Suds McKenzie December 4, 2009 at 9:35 am

We will never forget you Knut!

superdave December 4, 2009 at 9:44 am

NOOO!!! Not Butterstick!

Undoubtedly he’s going to be sent to some re-education camp to study Mao’s LIttle Red Book and wash away the memory all those crappy reality shows he’s been inundated with in the hedonistic wasteland that is America.

magic titty December 4, 2009 at 9:45 am

Go easy, bro.

CycloneArmageddon December 4, 2009 at 9:45 am

[re=471646]Suds McKenzie[/re]: We won’t. He will live in our hearts for evermore. I hope he’s happy back in Swaziland.

pondscum December 4, 2009 at 9:45 am

Butterstick and Wonkette will forever be joined in my memory. One led to the other five years ago…I just can’t remember which came first. Had to be Wonkette with the lack of Panda fucking and all.

One Yield Regular December 4, 2009 at 9:46 am

Bamboo hoo hoo.

Leftie Lucy December 4, 2009 at 9:48 am

[re=471612]Dolmance[/re]: I’m a fan of the red panda (a cute, fiesty little thing), but wouldn’t be too sad to see the giant panda fulfill its by-now obvious evolutionary destiny. There’s something just not right about that so-called bear. But the last time I said that in public, I was beaten by an angry mob.

WadISay December 4, 2009 at 9:48 am

To quote someone: “Pandas and assfucking are what made this site.”

loquaciousmusic December 4, 2009 at 9:50 am

[re=471645]Valentin1982[/re]: Valentin1982 has discovered the truth: they are sending Butterstick to China to make stylish and avant-garde handbags out of him!!!

CycloneArmageddon December 4, 2009 at 9:54 am

[re=471683]loquaciousmusic[/re]: “…and when I say that there is no panda used in the making of these products, what I mean is that there is some.”

Mr Blifil December 4, 2009 at 10:02 am

This seems like a lot of trouble simply to protect the sweet thing from David Vitter’s roving eye.

And if we can endure Neilist for months on end, to Valentine1982 I offer a hale and hearty salute and a deep-throated “huzzah!” of welcum.

Crazybroad December 4, 2009 at 10:24 am

I want to see the birth certificate, dammit!

KilgoreTrout_XL December 4, 2009 at 10:26 am

I’m actually kind of relieved because his name always made me feel so uncomfortable, you know? But really I have lots of gay friends I love them, the gays.

Gopherit December 4, 2009 at 10:31 am

The first in a string of many loans from china to come do. You are a symbol of our national, tragedy, Butterstick.

Here’s hoping they take you to the panda fertility lab. They get that panda sperm from somewhere…..

Jim89048 December 4, 2009 at 10:47 am
Vulpes82 December 4, 2009 at 10:49 am

[re=471678]Leftie Lucy[/re]: I’ve got a pitchfork and torch ready! Really, though, I don’t quite buy the whole “they’re obviously evolutionarily doomed anyway” thing, because they were doing just fine munching on bamboo and not-fucking very much until we came along and starting mowing their forests down and slaughtering them for their knucklebones or whatever so Asian dudes can get a boner.

Anyway, echo the love of the red panda. Did you know that that’s actually the “firefox” of browser fame? They changed it to an actual fox that is on fire because a raccoon being called a fox would have been weird.

depraved indifference engine December 4, 2009 at 10:58 am

[re=471610]Whitey Did Katrina[/re]: And yet they’re getting front-row seats? Where’s the logic?

Manos: Hands of Fate December 4, 2009 at 11:06 am

See ya asshole. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

snideinplainsight December 4, 2009 at 11:10 am

Tell them they can have their Butterstick back when they come over here and take every one of their invasive carp home!!! And their snakeheads too!!! Immigrants go home!!

Where is Lou Dobbs?? Where is he on this issue? This should be his thing!

thefrontpage December 4, 2009 at 11:22 am

Apparently, pandaburgers are huge in China, and this panda’s going to be bred to raise more pandas for the panda beef market, and the huge pandaburger market. Panda jerky, smoked in smokehouses, is also good. Additionally, panda stew and panda chili are great, with the right mixture of vegetables and spices. And don’t forget panda beef soup, too! Yum!

Leftie Lucy December 4, 2009 at 11:23 am

[re=471754]Vulpes82[/re]: Were they really “doing just fine,” though? I mean, the separate bedrooms were an obvious sign of trouble. I actually have no idea if the gigantic flabby bear-orca creatures really are obviously “doomed,” but I sure am glad that it’s not my job to make them get it on or make them pay attention to the freakish-looking pink gummy-bears they call babies.

I normally don’t like raccoons either. That red panda has one hell of a good image consultant. It must be so embarassed by its disreputable North American relatives.

BlueStateLibtard December 4, 2009 at 11:33 am

[re=471612]Dolmance[/re]: I know what you mean about Intelligent Design (and getting drunk). For instance, there can be no reason for white paws on any dog (like Bo) except to make them look even cuter.

Decker December 4, 2009 at 11:35 am

“Although he has felt like ours since his birth at the zoo on July 9, 2005, he has always been Chinese property.”

Total softball Ken, but still – way to crush it!

Also, this sounds just like the plot to some crappy 80s kids’ film. Butterstick is ET and today, we are all Eliot.

ivenson December 4, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=471805]Decker[/re]: Except that if ET “made contact” with you, you probably would not wind up with an infected leg wound.

earnestcivilservant December 4, 2009 at 12:11 pm

How can you people not like pandas?

Butterstick and his parents need better negotiators. Those San Diego pandas just got a 4 year extenion on their 12 year stay. Or something.

Accordion-o-rama December 4, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Butterstick is a metaphor for the US economy.

Decker December 4, 2009 at 2:06 pm

[re=471838]ivenson[/re]: Raises an interesting question – what would Spielberg do with a panda? Transform it into a unstoppable killing machine or cuddly messiah?

Neilist December 4, 2009 at 2:10 pm

This is complete BULLSHIT!

Butterstick (never mind this “Tai Shan” Commie Crap) is just another typical young horny AMERICAN male WHO IS BEING SHIPPED OFF TO A MILITARY ACADEMY just because he . . . . well . . . I guess this calls for another quote:

Otter: “Ladies and Gentlemen: I’ll be brief: The issue isn’t whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female guests. We did. [Winking at Dean Wormer.]”

You Lie-Burl-Al Pussies can go along with this TRYANNY. But Butterstick and I are NOT going to sit here while you bad mouth the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

:::Humming National Anthem:::

[Since I can't quote Kipling anymore, I went to the next best thing.]

Custersdeadhorse December 4, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Can we get 5 year contracts on the birthers so that we can send them to their ancestral homes?

thesheriffisnear December 4, 2009 at 10:54 pm

First they came for the Pandas, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Panda…

LowerdPeninsula December 5, 2009 at 12:35 am

[re=472072]Neilist[/re]: And, here I was thinking you’d make some joke about offing the poor thing. Meh. You’re losing your ham-fisted magic touch…mmmm….ham….

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 5, 2009 at 4:07 am

First the Chinese came for Butterstick, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Panda;
Then they came for the Sweater Puppies, and I did not speak out—because I did not have Sweater Puppies;
Then they came for the Buttsex, and I did not speak out—because I did not have the Buttsex;
Then they came for Gin—and there was no one left to speak out for me.

thesheriffisnear December 5, 2009 at 5:52 am

[re=472520]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Not even chelsea Lately?

anamontana December 5, 2009 at 6:27 pm

oh i think it is very sad.!

i hope he will be ok.

and very nice website i found it a week ago and i enjoy it a lot

אנה מונטנה

Neilist December 5, 2009 at 8:26 pm

[re=472496]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: If that is some suggestion/implication that Butterstick tastes like ham . . .

. . . Damn you! Damn you, Sir!

(Anyway, everyone knows Pandas taste just like chicken . . . in this case, Kung Pao Chicken with Sauteed Bamboo Shoots.)

Captain Swing December 6, 2009 at 4:31 am

A spokesperson for the Chinese Ambassador reacted angrily to suggestions that China did not think highly enough of its pandas.

“That not true! We love our pandas… Especially with blackbean sauce.”

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