Right? We’d just assumed she was crushed in an avalanche, too.
IMPORTANT CHANGES REGARDING YOUR WONKETTE 4:53 pm December 3, 2009
Famous ‘Hockey Mom’ Wonkette Editor Returning To This Hell Next Week
Hola wonkerados.
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{ 114 comments }
Hurray!
Huzzah.
I miss typing Sara without an h.
I guess she doesn’t know that Sarah Palin has become President?
Wait, Sara wasn’t killed by Sarah Palin because “There can be only one!”?
Kazart!
What have you bastards done with Juli and Riley, btw??
You know what’s actually the worst thing about dickfaces?
it’s the balls shoulders. i hate those.
[re=471234]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Silly — Sarah can’t count that high.
I can sum up the past 3 months: 30,000 troops, and no health care. Palin, book, something something. Meg McCain still stupid.
Actually, Jim, we all just assumed you had sold her to some Arabian Prince to pay for bandwidth and Jäger.
[re=471237]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Ah, you caught the flaw in my logic.
And yay, our SKS is back! I’ll have to make an effort not to sleep through her first post. Maybe if I pull an all-nighter…
Just put up a baby pic with each post, SKS – that will deflect snark directed at you from any grouchy readers…
OH SARA!
HURRA and HUZZA!
News summary for last three months:
Balloon boy shot down by the other Sarah as a book tour publicity stunt. This was discussed at length during a hearing on health care, which was attended by two fame whores, who were on their way to a Larry King interview when they were run over by Tiger Woods, who is being sent to Afghanistan.
[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: I think Juli and Riley are off ghosting Meghan’s book, the deadline is looming so Cindy spent the big bucks and got both Juli and Riley.
Great, someone else writing on Wonkette to distract me while driving. Thanks a lot.
[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: With Sara’s return, is there some sort of “deathmatch for your job” between Juli and Riley? If so, how far in advance do we need to get the tickets? …and can we just crash the deathmatch on the chance that we will be invited by the time we reach the door?
[re=471246]TJBeck[/re]: Actually…that’s 193% correct.
Our long national nightmare will be over Monday.
The whole family back together again? And just in time for the war on CHRISTmas!!! I may never leave my computer again…..
[re=471249]GayInMaine[/re]: Now that Sara’s an M there’s gonna be awkward typing when we get one of those stories about Philippine MILFs.
Dear Sara,
Let me be the first one to wish you a big, gushy “elcome!” on your triumphant return.
- SIPS
And balance was restored to the Force.
Plus, lots of adorable pics of little Butterstick Palin Smith, plz.
[re=471247]shadowMark[/re]: Wait, “Juli” and “Riley” are implants?!
Damn! I coulda sworn them puppies was real!
I suppose that discovering all those diaper surprises is a little less worse than digging into what the politicians are doing and saying these days. I predict Sara’s transition back will be a smooth as prune poop.
Sara had better be prepared for Andrew Sullivan’s obsessive hounding for proof of maternity.
Yes, yes. But when is Campbell Brown taking over again?!?
Yay! We missed you Sara! I hope the snark didn’t come out with the afterbirth.
“I have not read the news in three months.” Sara, hun, Dana Perino’s gonna be mad that you’re stealing her bestest excuse. Without credit, even. Also.
Sara:
All you really need to know about the past three months is that Meghan McCain showed off her barely covered boobies and then got all “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” when people accused her of being a famewhore. Oh, and all the Republicans reinforced the notion that they’re all a bunch of constipated, hypocritical fucksticks who think that Sarah Palin is the reincarnation of Ronald Reagan, only Ronnie in bad trailer trash drag. Also.
Welcome back!
All you DICKFACES care about are your stupid stinking pageviews.
[re=471262]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “I suppose that discovering all those diaper surprises is a little less worse than digging into what the politicians are doing.”
In the case of Vitter, it is exactly the same.
Here in socialist Europe, maternity leave is a bit more generous. My wife is heading back to work next week. Our daughter turns 3 on Saturday. Just thought I’d share.
Welcome back, Sara!
The whole family will be together for Christmas! And Liz too if she gets laid off from the Moonie Times before then.
God bless us, every one!
i want sarah k. palin to sign my copy of wonkette
Much nicer than the stupak shit swirl.
We’re going to need to see a long-form birth certificate before Miss Thang deigns to come around here…
[re=471272]El Pinche[/re]: pageviews — If that’s true expect a lot of Sara-and-Juli catfights with sleeveless blouses getting a little ripped and hair in disarray and faces getting all flushed from the struggles. Pageviews. Oh and we’ll need that Wonkett TV thing installed again. Thanks.
Awesome news. I was just wondering today when Sara was coming back.
Also, birth certificate, Sarah Palin, Truckdiaperz.
We couldn’t be mean to Sara. That would be like being mean to the Wonkette holy mother or something like that…(it sounded funnier in my mind). BTW–how’s breastfeeding going?! If you can’t nurse, type & talk on the phone at the same time, you are a BAD mom! ;-) Welcome back!
GOD I HOPE YOU DIDN’T NAME YOUR BABY “TRIGGER.”
welcome back!
Thank you saints and apostles! I thought SKS had gone on welfare just to see if there was a viable alternative to being an editor up in this piece. You’ll have to forgo the bi-weekly check, SKS, but I think you still maybe can get a little somethin’ on your EBT card.
Welcome the fuck back, yo.
[re=471284]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: asking about breastfeeding here is like chumming the waters. Just saying.
Also, speaking of dickfaces, this, from the bizarre world of Australian politics, is Tony Abbott, with dick attached. Amusing? Who can say.
[re=471289]Gopherit[/re]: Yeah, probably, because you guys are all pervs!
Welcome back!
[re=471234]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I’m increasing convinced Sarah Palin kept using that line about Obama “palin’ around with terrorists” primarily because she liked hearing her own name.
Tell her a post about Meghan McCain’s tits is always welcome.
[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: Clearly this “Ken Layne” character had Juli killed or something.
Where are the baby pictures? You are not allowed back to work without PHOTO proof of the birth!
All I can remember from the last three months are Meghan Mcain’s cans and something about … “Fuck Yeah!! America”!
[re=471286]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: worse. Buttermilk.
[re=471297]hockeymom[/re]: Do you think it looks like Jim or Ken?
Lactating Wonkettes are the best evar! Welcome back, Sara!
[re=471293]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Politics, politics, politics! MILF stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front. That’s all. Breastfeed all you want. It won’t distract me. You can even put up pics. Or video links. Won’t distract me at all. Moro Islamic Liberation Front.
Sara, we need baby pictures! Who cares if you cover a subject Jim already posted, just come back.
The War on Christmas continues! The littlest Wonkette will still be pretty oblivious for the festivities, though, assuming you are using rum-dipped pacifiers, as Jebus intended.
[re=471238]Sharkey[/re]: I can’t believe you left out the 3 most important stories in your summary: balloon boy, the state dinner crashers, and the philandering golfer.
[re=471289]Gopherit[/re]: Speaking of which, the only reason SKS is returning is because her baby feeders are now as flat as a silver dollar. Pity. I was hoping for some jpegs of nutrional process.
WANT. RILEY. BACK. TOO.
[re=471302]shadowMark[/re]: [re=471312]S.Luggo[/re]: And so it begins.
Oh boy!
Our favorite hobo is returning!
This is great news and on a day when I really need some good news.
[re=471236]el_chupacabra[/re]: Although on their behalf, they do make it more fun to give Head and Shoulders.
Sara S: hope you’re now in a state of sympathisery with Sen. Vitter.
Do not worry, Sara. If you post something that has already been covered, we will cut and paste our previous comments on to that page as well. We all think that we are so funny that it will be a pleasure to repeat ourselves. We will then be twice as funny.
[re=471300]Gopherit[/re]:
http://s.bebo.com/app-image/7927650176/5411656627/PROFILE/i.quizzaz.com/img/q/u/08/03/16/dark_ginger.jpg
SKS will shoot those snarksters deads!
Yay yay yay yay yay!
We have missed SS’s unique way with words.
NICE MOVE, DICKFACE.
CLASSIC!
oh thank god.
We welcome you back, Sara. In fact, we welcome all female lactaters.
[re=471318]S.Luggo[/re]: Yeah, that would be a dead giveaway.
Oh do not worry about Juli and Riley, they are just doing homework for a few days or something…
Hurray! Sara, if you’re reading this, you can post whatever you like and everyone will love you!
… until the novelty of having you back wears off and we’re back to trying to make you cry in the broom closet all day. But still, yay!
Sara,
Really the only thing you have to know is that Chuck Grassley’s official tag is now “elected ruminant.”
What? It is!
Yay, dickface is back. I hope this brings page views back to their sandfordian levels.
[re=471270]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Don’t forget that Meghan also saved someone by calling her publicist and then her mommy got so mad she couldn’t even spell Wonkett right! Don’t forget to tell SKS that! Oh, how we laughed!
[re=471328]Jim Newell[/re]: Homework….yeah, like fishing off the company dock.
Hard to fathom why you’d want to leave the happy land of solid stools for this deathscape of diarrhea puddles, though.
[re=471307]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: ??!??!!!
I really must visit Drudge more frequently.
Welcome back! Now we can get a little balanced journalism in here…
I’d say something about how the editors were going to ‘milk’ Sarah’s return, but that would be in poor taste. Wouldn’t it?
…although, reading and writing the foul spew that makes up our Daily Wonkett is bound to make a mother’s milk go sour. But if li’l Junior K Smith hast to suffer for our chuckles, So Be It!
Has it seriously been three months?
I’m so proud I could burst.
I’m so torn; I so want to have Sara’s baby, but she’s gone and had one of her own, and now Juli has caught my eye. Can they share me?
Welcome back to teh internets!
Let’s all chip in and get Sara a Steering Wheel Computer Desk as a welcome back gift. Also good for holding pumps and bottles and stuff.
Not to worry, SKS, Wonkette covers politics (mostly. sort of.) so it’s always something you wrote about ages ago. The only “new” news is that just this once it’s kind of depressing and venal.
Her return was foretold by the divine re-appearance of the alt-texts.
[re=471328]Jim Newell[/re]: Next thing we know, it will be the end of August, and Juli mysteriously has to “go away to school”
Expect more posts about lactation, sore nipples, and Vitter (diaper related).
Mark my words.
Good to have you back, SKS.
Diarrhea puddles. Yes it does.
No doubt Wonkette will have Hannibal Lector in a hockey mask, strapped to a two-wheeler to ask how her nipples felt while nursing.
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Do we have to trot out our “heart-felt parenting tips” again, or couldn’t you just arrange lunch with Bristol and Levi?
Huh? I thought Sara was working for the Washington Times. Did they lay her off?
Somehow it’s much easier to be funny before the rug-rats arrive. In fact, EVERYTHING is much easier before the rug-rats arrive.
Oh man, I am so much already “excited!” I can’t even remember if the punctuation goes inside or outside the quote! In that context!
Oh man! I am totally so “excited!” I can’t even remember if the punctuation goes inside the quotes or outside! In that context!
Also: double posting with minor stylistic edits! OMG!
Yes, do post baby photos, but only if they’re Blingee’d.
I too, am drunk and happy to see SKS back.
[re=471257]shadowMark[/re]: By awkward typing, you mean one handed?
[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: Riely got strangled with that fucking bow tie.
Sara claims not to have read the news for three months. Is this an official denial of her being ‘Mizz Wonkette’, or a case of protesting too much?
WHILE YOU WERE OUT:
Everything went to hell.
That’s all.
Welcome back.
She was crushed in an avalanche. Of meconium. It’s a bit sad to think of Sara trolling the AP and Politico to see who WON THE MORNING while baby languishes in the bouncy seat attempting to independently formulate some kind of feral linguistic equivalent of “Ma-Ma.” Unless Newell has agreed to take on some of the burping chores, which would be the stand up thing to do honestly, considering he’s probably the biological father through cloning.
As for page views, there may be confusion. I think the hits go up when an adult makes in his dipey.
[re=471692]Valentin1982[/re]: I visited your site but could not find a tracksuit. I need something that I can use for jogging, performing hits for the russian mob, and porn shoots. Preferably bright color, with linear white arm stripes, zipper front, and very shiny. Thank you.
[re=471255]V572625694[/re]: Actually it was an international nightmare.So many comings and goings. Did Ken ever find the west coast (passage to China)? Is Juli going to finally get to have a vacation? Anyway, good to see you coming back, Sara! Parenthood tip: leave the tyke in a hamster cage so you can concentrate on your blogging during daylight hours. You’re welcome.
[re=471563]rottenart[/re]: I AM too drunk and happy to see SKS back. It’s news too positive for my brain to handle.
[re=471233]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Or that the price of a loaf of bread is now 200 yen.
Teh Wonkette without Sara has been like a NASCAR carpark without trucknutz…
Welcome back!
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