IMPORTANT CHANGES REGARDING YOUR WONKETTE  4:53 pm December 3, 2009

Famous ‘Hockey Mom’ Wonkette Editor Returning To This Hell Next Week

by Jim Newell

Right? We’d just assumed she was crushed in an avalanche, too.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 114 comments }

jagorev December 3, 2009 at 4:57 pm

Hurray!

ManchuCandidate December 3, 2009 at 4:57 pm

Huzzah.

I miss typing Sara without an h.

Johnny Zhivago December 3, 2009 at 4:58 pm

I guess she doesn’t know that Sarah Palin has become President?

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 3, 2009 at 4:59 pm

Wait, Sara wasn’t killed by Sarah Palin because “There can be only one!”?

magic titty December 3, 2009 at 5:00 pm

Kazart!

What have you bastards done with Juli and Riley, btw??

el_chupacabra December 3, 2009 at 5:00 pm

You know what’s actually the worst thing about dickfaces?

it’s the balls shoulders. i hate those.

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm

[re=471234]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Silly — Sarah can’t count that high.

Sharkey December 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm

I can sum up the past 3 months: 30,000 troops, and no health care. Palin, book, something something. Meg McCain still stupid.

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Actually, Jim, we all just assumed you had sold her to some Arabian Prince to pay for bandwidth and Jäger.

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 3, 2009 at 5:02 pm

[re=471237]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Ah, you caught the flaw in my logic.

SayItWithWookies December 3, 2009 at 5:02 pm

And yay, our SKS is back! I’ll have to make an effort not to sleep through her first post. Maybe if I pull an all-nighter…

SmutBoffin December 3, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Just put up a baby pic with each post, SKS – that will deflect snark directed at you from any grouchy readers…

Extemporanus December 3, 2009 at 5:03 pm

OH SARA!

HURRA and HUZZA!

TJBeck December 3, 2009 at 5:03 pm

News summary for last three months:

Balloon boy shot down by the other Sarah as a book tour publicity stunt. This was discussed at length during a hearing on health care, which was attended by two fame whores, who were on their way to a Larry King interview when they were run over by Tiger Woods, who is being sent to Afghanistan.

shadowMark December 3, 2009 at 5:04 pm

[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: I think Juli and Riley are off ghosting Meghan’s book, the deadline is looming so Cindy spent the big bucks and got both Juli and Riley.

GayInMaine December 3, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Great, someone else writing on Wonkette to distract me while driving. Thanks a lot.

WIDTAP December 3, 2009 at 5:06 pm

[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: With Sara’s return, is there some sort of “deathmatch for your job” between Juli and Riley? If so, how far in advance do we need to get the tickets? …and can we just crash the deathmatch on the chance that we will be invited by the time we reach the door?

magic titty December 3, 2009 at 5:07 pm

[re=471246]TJBeck[/re]: Actually…that’s 193% correct.

V572625694 December 3, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Our long national nightmare will be over Monday.

eastcoastliberal December 3, 2009 at 5:10 pm

The whole family back together again? And just in time for the war on CHRISTmas!!! I may never leave my computer again…..

shadowMark December 3, 2009 at 5:10 pm

[re=471249]GayInMaine[/re]: Now that Sara’s an M there’s gonna be awkward typing when we get one of those stories about Philippine MILFs.

snideinplainsight December 3, 2009 at 5:10 pm

Dear Sara,

Let me be the first one to wish you a big, gushy “elcome!” on your triumphant return.

- SIPS

CthuNHu December 3, 2009 at 5:12 pm

And balance was restored to the Force.

Plus, lots of adorable pics of little Butterstick Palin Smith, plz.

Extemporanus December 3, 2009 at 5:12 pm

[re=471247]shadowMark[/re]: Wait, “Juli” and “Riley” are implants?!

Damn! I coulda sworn them puppies was real!

Monsieur Grumpe December 3, 2009 at 5:15 pm

I suppose that discovering all those diaper surprises is a little less worse than digging into what the politicians are doing and saying these days. I predict Sara’s transition back will be a smooth as prune poop.

widestanceromancer December 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Sara had better be prepared for Andrew Sullivan’s obsessive hounding for proof of maternity.

MFitz December 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Yes, yes. But when is Campbell Brown taking over again?!?

Gopherit December 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Yay! We missed you Sara! I hope the snark didn’t come out with the afterbirth.

northernbassist December 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm

“I have not read the news in three months.” Sara, hun, Dana Perino’s gonna be mad that you’re stealing her bestest excuse. Without credit, even. Also.

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 3, 2009 at 5:19 pm

Sara:

All you really need to know about the past three months is that Meghan McCain showed off her barely covered boobies and then got all “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” when people accused her of being a famewhore. Oh, and all the Republicans reinforced the notion that they’re all a bunch of constipated, hypocritical fucksticks who think that Sarah Palin is the reincarnation of Ronald Reagan, only Ronnie in bad trailer trash drag. Also.

Welcome back!

El Pinche December 3, 2009 at 5:19 pm

All you DICKFACES care about are your stupid stinking pageviews.

dum librul December 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm

[re=471262]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “I suppose that discovering all those diaper surprises is a little less worse than digging into what the politicians are doing.”

In the case of Vitter, it is exactly the same.

gurukalehuru December 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Here in socialist Europe, maternity leave is a bit more generous. My wife is heading back to work next week. Our daughter turns 3 on Saturday. Just thought I’d share.
Welcome back, Sara!

chascates December 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm

The whole family will be together for Christmas! And Liz too if she gets laid off from the Moonie Times before then.

God bless us, every one!

NixonNow December 3, 2009 at 5:21 pm

i want sarah k. palin to sign my copy of wonkette

bago December 3, 2009 at 5:21 pm

Much nicer than the stupak shit swirl.

AggieDemocrat December 3, 2009 at 5:23 pm

We’re going to need to see a long-form birth certificate before Miss Thang deigns to come around here…

shadowMark December 3, 2009 at 5:24 pm

[re=471272]El Pinche[/re]: pageviews — If that’s true expect a lot of Sara-and-Juli catfights with sleeveless blouses getting a little ripped and hair in disarray and faces getting all flushed from the struggles. Pageviews. Oh and we’ll need that Wonkett TV thing installed again. Thanks.

Hieronymus Botch December 3, 2009 at 5:26 pm

Awesome news. I was just wondering today when Sara was coming back.

Also, birth certificate, Sarah Palin, Truckdiaperz.

Texan Bulldoggette December 3, 2009 at 5:27 pm

We couldn’t be mean to Sara. That would be like being mean to the Wonkette holy mother or something like that…(it sounded funnier in my mind). BTW–how’s breastfeeding going?! If you can’t nurse, type & talk on the phone at the same time, you are a BAD mom! ;-) Welcome back!

shortsshortsshorts December 3, 2009 at 5:28 pm

GOD I HOPE YOU DIDN’T NAME YOUR BABY “TRIGGER.”

slappypaddy December 3, 2009 at 5:29 pm

welcome back!

nappyduggs December 3, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Thank you saints and apostles! I thought SKS had gone on welfare just to see if there was a viable alternative to being an editor up in this piece. You’ll have to forgo the bi-weekly check, SKS, but I think you still maybe can get a little somethin’ on your EBT card.

Welcome the fuck back, yo.

Gopherit December 3, 2009 at 5:30 pm

[re=471284]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: asking about breastfeeding here is like chumming the waters. Just saying.

Hieronymus Botch December 3, 2009 at 5:32 pm

Also, speaking of dickfaces, this, from the bizarre world of Australian politics, is Tony Abbott, with dick attached. Amusing? Who can say.

Texan Bulldoggette December 3, 2009 at 5:35 pm

[re=471289]Gopherit[/re]: Yeah, probably, because you guys are all pervs!

One Yield Regular December 3, 2009 at 5:37 pm

Welcome back!

[re=471234]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I’m increasing convinced Sarah Palin kept using that line about Obama “palin’ around with terrorists” primarily because she liked hearing her own name.

taylormattd December 3, 2009 at 5:37 pm

Tell her a post about Meghan McCain’s tits is always welcome.

taylormattd December 3, 2009 at 5:38 pm

[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: Clearly this “Ken Layne” character had Juli killed or something.

hockeymom December 3, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Where are the baby pictures? You are not allowed back to work without PHOTO proof of the birth!

Suds McKenzie December 3, 2009 at 5:39 pm

All I can remember from the last three months are Meghan Mcain’s cans and something about … “Fuck Yeah!! America”!

mollymcguire December 3, 2009 at 5:40 pm

[re=471286]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: worse. Buttermilk.

Gopherit December 3, 2009 at 5:41 pm

[re=471297]hockeymom[/re]: Do you think it looks like Jim or Ken?

Jim89048 December 3, 2009 at 5:42 pm

Lactating Wonkettes are the best evar! Welcome back, Sara!

shadowMark December 3, 2009 at 5:43 pm

[re=471293]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Politics, politics, politics! MILF stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front. That’s all. Breastfeed all you want. It won’t distract me. You can even put up pics. Or video links. Won’t distract me at all. Moro Islamic Liberation Front.

Terry December 3, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Sara, we need baby pictures! Who cares if you cover a subject Jim already posted, just come back.

the problem child December 3, 2009 at 5:44 pm

The War on Christmas continues! The littlest Wonkette will still be pretty oblivious for the festivities, though, assuming you are using rum-dipped pacifiers, as Jebus intended.

Advocatus_Diaboli December 3, 2009 at 5:48 pm

[re=471238]Sharkey[/re]: I can’t believe you left out the 3 most important stories in your summary: balloon boy, the state dinner crashers, and the philandering golfer.

S.Luggo December 3, 2009 at 5:52 pm

[re=471289]Gopherit[/re]: Speaking of which, the only reason SKS is returning is because her baby feeders are now as flat as a silver dollar. Pity. I was hoping for some jpegs of nutrional process.

whiskey tango foxtrot December 3, 2009 at 5:54 pm

WANT. RILEY. BACK. TOO.

Gopherit December 3, 2009 at 5:57 pm

[re=471302]shadowMark[/re]: [re=471312]S.Luggo[/re]: And so it begins.

rubybuckaroo December 3, 2009 at 5:59 pm

Oh boy!
Our favorite hobo is returning!
This is great news and on a day when I really need some good news.

chaste everywhere December 3, 2009 at 6:01 pm

[re=471236]el_chupacabra[/re]: Although on their behalf, they do make it more fun to give Head and Shoulders.

Sara S: hope you’re now in a state of sympathisery with Sen. Vitter.

Native of SL UT December 3, 2009 at 6:01 pm

Do not worry, Sara. If you post something that has already been covered, we will cut and paste our previous comments on to that page as well. We all think that we are so funny that it will be a pleasure to repeat ourselves. We will then be twice as funny.

S.Luggo December 3, 2009 at 6:02 pm
weejee December 3, 2009 at 6:05 pm

SKS will shoot those snarksters deads!

ericblair December 3, 2009 at 6:07 pm

Yay yay yay yay yay!

We have missed SS’s unique way with words.

rocktonsammy December 3, 2009 at 6:07 pm

NICE MOVE, DICKFACE.

CLASSIC!

cactuspickles December 3, 2009 at 6:07 pm

oh thank god.

bitchincamaro December 3, 2009 at 6:08 pm

We welcome you back, Sara. In fact, we welcome all female lactaters.

Gopherit December 3, 2009 at 6:09 pm

[re=471318]S.Luggo[/re]: Yeah, that would be a dead giveaway.

Jim Newell December 3, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Oh do not worry about Juli and Riley, they are just doing homework for a few days or something…

Nigerian Business Executive December 3, 2009 at 6:13 pm

Hurray! Sara, if you’re reading this, you can post whatever you like and everyone will love you!

… until the novelty of having you back wears off and we’re back to trying to make you cry in the broom closet all day. But still, yay!

user-of-owls December 3, 2009 at 6:13 pm

Sara,
Really the only thing you have to know is that Chuck Grassley’s official tag is now “elected ruminant.”

What? It is!

NYNYNY December 3, 2009 at 6:15 pm

Yay, dickface is back. I hope this brings page views back to their sandfordian levels.

Nigerian Business Executive December 3, 2009 at 6:16 pm

[re=471270]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Don’t forget that Meghan also saved someone by calling her publicist and then her mommy got so mad she couldn’t even spell Wonkett right! Don’t forget to tell SKS that! Oh, how we laughed!

Radiotherapy December 3, 2009 at 6:19 pm

[re=471328]Jim Newell[/re]: Homework….yeah, like fishing off the company dock.

bitchincamaro December 3, 2009 at 6:20 pm

Hard to fathom why you’d want to leave the happy land of solid stools for this deathscape of diarrhea puddles, though.

Sharkey December 3, 2009 at 6:40 pm

[re=471307]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: ??!??!!!
I really must visit Drudge more frequently.

hoosiermama December 3, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Welcome back! Now we can get a little balanced journalism in here…

user-of-owls December 3, 2009 at 6:48 pm

I’d say something about how the editors were going to ‘milk’ Sarah’s return, but that would be in poor taste. Wouldn’t it?

Lascauxcaveman December 3, 2009 at 6:54 pm

…although, reading and writing the foul spew that makes up our Daily Wonkett is bound to make a mother’s milk go sour. But if li’l Junior K Smith hast to suffer for our chuckles, So Be It!

AnnieGetYourFun December 3, 2009 at 7:49 pm

Has it seriously been three months?

Buzz Feedback December 3, 2009 at 8:04 pm

I’m so proud I could burst.

boytoy December 3, 2009 at 8:44 pm

I’m so torn; I so want to have Sara’s baby, but she’s gone and had one of her own, and now Juli has caught my eye. Can they share me?

Diana Davies December 3, 2009 at 8:47 pm

Welcome back to teh internets!

geminisunmars December 3, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Let’s all chip in and get Sara a Steering Wheel Computer Desk as a welcome back gift. Also good for holding pumps and bottles and stuff.

BeWoot December 3, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Not to worry, SKS, Wonkette covers politics (mostly. sort of.) so it’s always something you wrote about ages ago. The only “new” news is that just this once it’s kind of depressing and venal.

Mista Eko December 3, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Her return was foretold by the divine re-appearance of the alt-texts.

Flanders December 3, 2009 at 9:12 pm

[re=471328]Jim Newell[/re]: Next thing we know, it will be the end of August, and Juli mysteriously has to “go away to school”

El Pinche December 3, 2009 at 9:56 pm

Expect more posts about lactation, sore nipples, and Vitter (diaper related).
Mark my words.

kudzu December 3, 2009 at 10:04 pm

Good to have you back, SKS.

MGBYG December 3, 2009 at 10:39 pm

Diarrhea puddles. Yes it does.

WadISay December 3, 2009 at 10:44 pm

No doubt Wonkette will have Hannibal Lector in a hockey mask, strapped to a two-wheeler to ask how her nipples felt while nursing.

coolforsale144 December 3, 2009 at 10:46 pm

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,Here are the most popular, most stylish and avant-garde shoes,handbags,Tshirts, jacket,Tracksuit w ect… For details, please consult http://www.coolforsale.com Christmas sale, free shipping discounts are beautifully gift.

What Fresh Hell is This? December 3, 2009 at 10:59 pm

Do we have to trot out our “heart-felt parenting tips” again, or couldn’t you just arrange lunch with Bristol and Levi?

Larry McAwful December 3, 2009 at 11:15 pm

Huh? I thought Sara was working for the Washington Times. Did they lay her off?

Barrelhse December 3, 2009 at 11:15 pm

Somehow it’s much easier to be funny before the rug-rats arrive. In fact, EVERYTHING is much easier before the rug-rats arrive.

Live from Bagram December 4, 2009 at 3:39 am

Oh man, I am so much already “excited!” I can’t even remember if the punctuation goes inside or outside the quote! In that context!

Live from Bagram December 4, 2009 at 3:41 am

Oh man! I am totally so “excited!” I can’t even remember if the punctuation goes inside the quotes or outside! In that context!

Live from Bagram December 4, 2009 at 3:43 am

Also: double posting with minor stylistic edits! OMG!

ms_mcgee December 4, 2009 at 4:36 am

Yes, do post baby photos, but only if they’re Blingee’d.

rottenart December 4, 2009 at 4:50 am

I too, am drunk and happy to see SKS back.

Boojum December 4, 2009 at 6:14 am

[re=471257]shadowMark[/re]: By awkward typing, you mean one handed?

Boondock Saint December 4, 2009 at 7:36 am

[re=471235]magic titty[/re]: Riely got strangled with that fucking bow tie.

pub_option December 4, 2009 at 9:30 am

Sara claims not to have read the news for three months. Is this an official denial of her being ‘Mizz Wonkette’, or a case of protesting too much?

Capitol Hillbilly December 4, 2009 at 10:07 am

WHILE YOU WERE OUT:

Everything went to hell.

That’s all.

Welcome back.

Mr Blifil December 4, 2009 at 10:10 am

She was crushed in an avalanche. Of meconium. It’s a bit sad to think of Sara trolling the AP and Politico to see who WON THE MORNING while baby languishes in the bouncy seat attempting to independently formulate some kind of feral linguistic equivalent of “Ma-Ma.” Unless Newell has agreed to take on some of the burping chores, which would be the stand up thing to do honestly, considering he’s probably the biological father through cloning.

Mr Blifil December 4, 2009 at 10:13 am

As for page views, there may be confusion. I think the hits go up when an adult makes in his dipey.

TJBeck December 4, 2009 at 10:57 am

[re=471692]Valentin1982[/re]: I visited your site but could not find a tracksuit. I need something that I can use for jogging, performing hits for the russian mob, and porn shoots. Preferably bright color, with linear white arm stripes, zipper front, and very shiny. Thank you.

sezme December 4, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=471255]V572625694[/re]: Actually it was an international nightmare.So many comings and goings. Did Ken ever find the west coast (passage to China)? Is Juli going to finally get to have a vacation? Anyway, good to see you coming back, Sara! Parenthood tip: leave the tyke in a hamster cage so you can concentrate on your blogging during daylight hours. You’re welcome.

Mumbletypeg December 4, 2009 at 4:46 pm

[re=471563]rottenart[/re]: I AM too drunk and happy to see SKS back. It’s news too positive for my brain to handle.

skutre December 4, 2009 at 10:39 pm

[re=471233]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Or that the price of a loaf of bread is now 200 yen.

Captain Swing December 6, 2009 at 4:21 am

Teh Wonkette without Sara has been like a NASCAR carpark without trucknutz…

Welcome back!

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