Ben Nelson Makes Up New Reason To Save Himself From Having To Vote For This Thing

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Right? Minus the stacheNebraskan diarrhea puddle Ben Nelson has now issued another aggravating line in the sand for himself on health care reform, because he just really really doesn’t want to vote for it at all: “Sen. Ben Nelson told reporters today he will filibuster the health care bill if it doesn’t contain an abortion amendment similar to Rep. Bart Stupak’s amendment that passed attached to the House health care bill last month.” And why not? He knows he’s got 100% leverage, what with the Founding Fathers’ brilliant political system being broken and all. Next week his litmus test will be “no Negroes spics or Basques can not be aborted on the insurance exchanges” and the Catholic Bishops will love it, because they’re evil.

Watch this poopfuck as he prattles on about his make-believe mixed feelings over semantics:

“I will not vote to take it off the floor,” said Nelson (D-NE).

“Now I don’t know that it’s going to come down to that, because I don’t know that Stupak’s not going to pass, number one,” he said. “Number two I don’t know what kind of alternative legislation may be offered as an alternative bill. I don’t know what the next steps are, but I’ve made it clear that whatever is finally considered has to have that language in it.”

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know you tell me I don’t know if you don’t know anything then shut up and figure it out you diabolical toadish gooey shitstained afterbirth of Wario. Oh god that felt good.

Hey Tiger Woods’ Swedish wife, if you’re ever in Washington, maybe find and beat the crickets out of Ben Nelson with your golf club. Tiger probably slept with him in Vegas, too.

Nelson: I’ll Filibuster Without Stupak-Like Amendment [TPM]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!


    Ben Nelson is proof positive we NEED to leave abortions in the health care bill.

  • The Church of Realism

    How do you expand on diarrhea puddle? Shit Tsunami?

  • M.Yazz

    With Democrats like him, who needs cretinous, pea-brained neanderthals? I don’t know.

  • SmutBoffin

    “…shut up and figure it out you diabolical toadish gooey shitstained afterbirth of Wario.”

    This is why Wonkett dominates those blog-awards things every year all the time forever.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I find it racist that Negroes and Basques are both initial caps but SPIC isn’t, sir.

  • NJB

    “Nebraskan diarrhea puddle” is the best put-down since “bloated pigsicle” – which happened like 15 minutes ago.

  • Gorillionaire

    Sure, Nelson, spray that hair helmet of yours into place and get on the floor and filibuster. Do it. Do it do it do it. I double dawg dare ya. Ya pussy! Do it. You can’t do it!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Ben Nelson makes me feel good about being one of Mad Max’s constituents. Thanks shit-puddle.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Like he really cares about human suffering. The HC lobbyists spent a lot of money persuading the shitsack that the best health system in the world is the current “If you got the money honey then we cure your disease” system. Almost makes one want to jam a used catheter up his dick and snap it off.

  • bureaucrap

    Why can’t he just say, “I’m an insurance company WHORE” and leave it at that? It’s much shorter.

  • Gopherit

    I betcha erectile dysfunction drugs and penis pumps are covered.

  • V572625694

    [re=471179]NJB[/re]: [re=471170]The Church of Realism[/re]: Jim brings it, day after day. Many still relish “guano faucet,” although the object of that sobriquet is long forgotten.

  • NJB

    [re=471185]V572625694[/re]: To be fair, “bloated pigsicle” was Ken’s. They’re tag-teaming today. And yes – “guano faucet” certainly does have a ring about it. Especially around the drain.

  • grevillea

    But what was Vitter doing in Nebraska in the first place?

  • magic titty

    [re=471185]V572625694[/re]: To be fair, Riley wrote the “guano faucet” line. And it was about…uhh..some douche…Grassley, maybe.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Reconciliation is still an option, Harry. No filibusters. Take the wind out of these poopheads’ sails. You know you want to do it, Harry.

  • Mr Blifil

    Let the fucker filibuster. Let him shut it down. SHUT IT DOWN. I mean, hours upon hours of Ben Nelson/Lieberman midnight ham-slam tag-team filibuster footage=comedy gold.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=471178]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Stop being a c-wordy b-word.

  • Suds McKenzie

    Assuming there’s corn.

  • Gopherit

    [re=471190]magic titty[/re]: Right. Jim was the bard who once said, “It’s like two quarter-pound stools of alien space shit crashed into a toxic-waste dumpster in Stamford, Connecticut, fucked, and out came their mutilated, blood-soaked carcass of a baby rat-child, Senator Joseph Lieberman.”

  • Extemporanus

    [re=471185]V572625694[/re]: [re=471190]magic titty[/re]: ARI FLEISCHER IS A GUANO FAUCET!!


  • the problem child

    Oh, and now the Planned Parenthood ad has been frightened off, too.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=471199]the problem child[/re]: If I close my eyes, I can still see in on the backs of my eyelids.


    [re=471191]SayItWithWookies[/re]: If Harry “Holy shit where’d my spine go and if you find it can you look around for my nuts too,” Reid actually busts out with the reconciliation process I will likely pop the kind of wood you only get with a six pack of redbulls and a bottle of little blue pills.

  • bitchincamaro

    Fecal corn!

    (Nebraska. Get it?)

  • Extemporanus

    [re=471188]NJB[/re]: The Wonkette bench may be short, but it’s thick as a motherfucker.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=471196]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Damn you.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=471199]the problem child[/re]: Actually, Hayden-Harnett finally got her abortion, so the ads are no longer needed.

    Get well soon, Haydie! We miss you!

  • gurukalehuru

    A single payer system with no bullshit, on a single page. Roll it up tight, like a newspaper, and jam it up Ben Nelson’s ass. Metaphorically speaking.

  • PrairiePossum

    Next time an agricultural bill is up for debate, I hope democratic Senators from northeastern states demand batshit crazy amendments be added to the bill.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    This country has been going down hill ever since we let the Basque in.

  • thefrontpage

    Ben Nelson reads The Truth About American Homosexuality.

  • Sharkey

    [re=471170]The Church of Realism[/re]: Planet of Meconium?

  • Cicada

    Actual diarrhea puddles have more backbone and integrity than Nelson does.


    [re=471217]PrairiePossum[/re]: Amendment 1: Forced abortions on late term senat…er babies.

  • PrairiePossum


    Or requiring all Nebraska males to get vasectomies – to stop Nebraska abortions.

  • pondscum

    Why do we let anyone with a penis have any say when it comes to abortion? One penis, no vote. That’s my motto. As soon as they can carry an unwanted, unplanned, rape-implanted parasite, they can have a say in the matter. Until then STFU.

  • magic titty

    [re=471197]Gopherit[/re]: [re=471198]Extemporanus[/re]: Yes and yes. And it was Juli who wrote, “Ketchup heiress John Kerry…”, which is my favorite thing ever written by anyone ever.

    This is why Wonkett be’s the bestest.

  • DeLand DeLakes

    Thank God we live in a secular democracy, where people’s access to health care is determined by a bunch of toady bishops who answer to John Paul II’s wormy corpse!

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=471178]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Oh, sure, be pissed on behalf of capital ess Spics, but leave the unaccented, mixed case heBeS to twist in the wind. You, sir, are a racist! I bet Al Sharpton is lubing himself up to come after you as we speak.

  • AggieDemocrat

    I object, in that Wario was always one of my favourite characters to be in Super Mario Kart. (Battle mode only, which is the only mode worth playing. Racing’s for twats.)

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=471226]thefrontpage[/re]: Not for the articles, tho.

  • sati demise

    [re=471217]PrairiePossum[/re]: Next bill for King Corn agricultural support should have DOMA tacked onto it, fur sure!


  • Ducksworthy

    Screw this. Medicare for all! Does Medicare cover abortions? It certainly should.

  • Aquannissiwamissoo

    The Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854 needed an amendment to turn them into a giant sinkhole of stupid going down to the very bowels of …

    never mind.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=471251]magic titty[/re]: Amen.

    And Juli’s “human-wearing t-shirt” deserves a Golden Mobius Writing Award nomination as well.

  • One Yield Regular

    Every Catholic bishop (+ Ben Nelson) ought to be required to put in three days a week full-time baby-sitting for a family of 12, half of whom must still be in their mewling infantdom.

  • germansteel

    Surely there is someone from the State of Nebraska that is really first class, someone we all would be impressed by. I just can’t think of who that would be, right now.

    Oh, maybe Johnny Carson – he was pretty good at what he did, in the day. But, of course, he got the hell out of that flatter-than-catpiss-on-a-plate state, too.

    Nope, nobody.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=471193]Mr Blifil[/re]: I take it that you’ve snticipated SKS’s return. Pussy.

  • Servo

    Next: Your Happy Sock or tampon will be evidence in your murder trial.

  • Mista Eko

    Ahm ah Ben Nelson! Thees-ah time, ahm ah gonna weeen!

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  • NebraskashireGentry

    [re=471310]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: criticize our fuckwit Senator who is looking for any reason to condemn this bill all you want; leave the land I love and the simple majority who voted for him alone.

    we did right by America, given the options available…you could have been stuck with 59 votes and this asshole:

    Ben Nelson will fold eventually, likely after getting Nebraska another museum over an Interstate that no one will visit or pedestrian bridge to Iowa.

  • NebraskashireGentry

    [re=471340]germansteel[/re]: hello? I’m standing right here…actually, though once named Commenter of the Day, I’ve got nothing.

  • RobPetrified

    BEN Nelson, diarrhea puddle, not to be confused with almost semi republican Bill Nelson of Flori-duh.
    Are men with BALLS illegal in DC?
    I mean politically, not recreationally or tea baggily.

  • rottenart

    [re=471458]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: Bravo!

    Don’t you have some of those “bands” that the “kids” “like” too?

  • LowerdPeninsula

    “Next week his litmus test will be “no Negroes spics or Basques can not be aborted on the insurance exchanges” and the Catholic Bishops will love it, because they’re evil.

    When you say “no Negroes spics or Basques”, Jim, do you mean “no Negroes, spics or Basques” or are we talking about “Negro spics” as in Blaxicans?

    “if you don’t know anything then shut up and figure it out you diabolical toadish gooey shitstained afterbirth of Wario.”

    I can die, now. To see Wario used in a sentence anywhere outside the confines of hard/deep Nerd-dom is not something I ever expected to see. Viva! you princes and princess of the Mid-Atlantic. Viva! you kings and queens of DC.

    BTW, just so I get this straight, Ben Nelson is Senator Eddie Munster, correct?

  • NebraskashireGentry

    [re=471564]rottenart[/re]: had a good run for a while; but all the good ones went solo and moved away…still, this does mean my mom is frenemies with the mom of a solo artist rather than some guitarist in a band. (never forget.)

    but, as any “real Neb’raskun” will tell you: Omaha, with its money, access to casinos and sizable minority populations, is a godless cesspool even Hell/Iowa doesn’t want. (fortunately for you, Republican Congressman Lee Terry will never enter the national stage as a senator from Nebraska because, having represented Omaha, etc. for 10 interminable years, he could never persuade out-state voters he’s not secretly Barney Frank, known liberal).

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  • sezme

    Stupak’s not going to pass, number one, … “Number two…

    That there’s some serious blockage.