This is the wonderful time of year when your editors receive hundreds of inappropriate and/or misguided Public Relations holiday pitches.
There is one lady right now trying very hard to get Jim Newell to go to some Target(TM) Homeless Bowling BBQ press preview, and then there’s the weirdo from the “Latin American Division” of Denny’s, trying to get us to write about Denny’s Holiday Pies (success!), and then there’s this person, who asks what she thinks is some simple rhetorical question right out of the product-placement instruction guide, but in reality is deeply offensive to your editor, Christians everywhere, and Jesus himself. Was not our Lord executed over this very question, because even He could not come up with the right number, which is Infinity?
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Wow — have any three words gone together more appropriate than homeless bowling barbecue? Aside from interracial lesbian threesome, that is.
I am still stuck on “‘Latin American Division’” of Denny’s”.
one host really needs one bottle of tequila. fuck the wine.
It’s way better than the “Why don’t we get drunk and screw” CD I bring to parties.
Let’s see, two to make it all better, and then one more to guarantee a good night’s sleep, so the correct answer is three per person per day (not including special occasions, bad days the common binge, etc.). Or yeah infinity works.
How many bottles of wine does one host really need?
I always thought there was no such thing as a stupid question.
Until now.
[re=470929]Doglessliberal[/re]: Some people call it “Human Resources.”
This reminds me of that memorable exchange between Ally Sheedy and Emilio Estevez in “The Breakfast Club,” in which the question was raised, “How much vodka do you drink?” The correct answer was, of course, “Tons.”
Why is Arielle always left out of the schwag calculus?
If one is hosting these assholes, one needs several BOXES…
[re=470927]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I prefer interracial lesbian spankfests to the threesomes, but as a general matter.. good point sir/madam and very well made.
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[re=470933]Holy Cow!![/re]: And way, way better than the “Too Drunk To Fuck”, Dead Kennedys CD which I usually bring.
This is *not* a trivial question. There are calculators for doing this thing online and they all involve higher math, including factors for wastage, steerage, sprotage, scrotage, and balls.
And who uses ‘faux pas’ these days?
Really they should be asking how many bags of wine do you need. But they probably already know that the answer is many.
My personal answer would be: “More and more, seemingly.”
**glances again at bank statement**
This “Latin American Division” of Denny’s, that’s like their corporate name for “kitchen staff,” right?
[re=470929]Doglessliberal[/re]: You do NOT want to screw with Los Denny’s. They make the Zetas look like pussies.
[re=470929]Doglessliberal[/re]: = kitchen
I think Jesus’ answer would be, “None, ’cause I got the magic power to make wine out of water, bitches!”
Well I’m inviting all you Wonkette editors to my (hopefully soon to be annual) burning Jeebus on a Cross XXXmas Party. We’re going to start the festivities off with a bonfire built around a lifelike Jeebus nailed to a lighter fluid soaked cross made of American flags, bibles and used space diapers.
Later we’ll play games like Pope darts, pin the bush on Mary and for the kids, find the wallet on the inebriated Santa. (Don’t worry kids, Santa can’t feel pain!)
As always, it’s bring your own hallucinogens and please dress appropriately for Minnesota winter weather.
I’ll send out the invites as soon as I get the permits from the city. See you there!
[re=470936]FMA[/re]: [re=470956]user-of-owls[/re]: How many bottles of wine does a host need?
All of them.
[re=470951]bitchincamaro[/re]: YOU LIE. Nothing says Merry Christmas better than a Dead Kennedy’s CD.
Ken needs to bone up on his Bible facts. Check out John, chapter 2. Jesus does the water-into-wine thing to provide more wine for people who are already drunk. From this one may readily infer that more wine is always required. It’s just Biblical Interpretation 101.
42. obvs.
[re=470960]AggieDemocrat[/re]: In the part of real murca that I done grewed up in, we called that division “the bus boys.”
[re=470974]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: It’s a trick question. The correct question is “how many swimming pools full of liquor does a hostess need to drink before all of the asshole arrive at her house to eat her Costco blue-cheese microwave souffles and have a light-hearted but stupid “ugly sweater” part?”.
How many bottles of wine does one host really need? It is exactly as many as the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin.
GAH. Party.
[re=470952]TGY[/re]: And who uses ‘faux pas’ these days?
Tiger Woods.
[re=470984]Jim89048[/re]: Damn. Beat me to it. *doffs hat*
[re=470992]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: You are truly inspired today.
Here’s a holiday party tip:
Bring a box of Trojan condoms, and put them in a big bowl in the middle of the main food table. Then say, “KEYS ARE NEXT, EVERYONE!!!!”
You’ll be the life of the party!
[re=470992]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Well, a GAH party sounds like more fun than an ugly sweater party.
Infinity Bottles + Infinity Boxes of Wine = Almost Enough
But bourbon manhattans (on the rocks)… that’ll fill the void.
It’s fairly simple: a good guest must bring either all the wine they can reasonably carry with the aid of a dolly OR simply bring Jesus Christ Himself, maker of the finest magical wines anywhere.
Behold, O Latin America! We bequeath unto thee the boon of Moons Over My Hammy.
[re=471020]user-of-owls[/re]: I wonder if I should throw one just to see who RSVPs?
[re=471045]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I’m fascinated by what a GAH party would entail. Would you make up a big Advent calendar with pictures of Palin, Rick Perry, Dick Cheney, etc. behind the doors?
Rick Warren! GAH!
[re=471054]user-of-owls[/re]: There are so many possibilities, but I would likely be too drunk to actually end up hosting the thing.
[re=471020]user-of-owls[/re]: Which my goddam family is ACTUALLY HAVING this year. And my mother is VERY CONCERNED that I actually participate actively with an ugly sweater.
I fucking hate white people.
[re=470987]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: [re=470960]AggieDemocrat[/re]: [re=470965]el_chupacabra[/re]: So “Human Resources” was too subtle?
True Story: I have been to the nicest Denny’s in the World; Latin-American Division or otherwise.
It’s right on the waterfront in Puerto Vallarta, at the end of the famous PV beachfront promenade, or whatever it’s called, on a rocky outcropping overlooking the sunny Pacific.
I went there with my wife (her idea, not mine) one sunday morning in 1994 to celebrate the end of my bout with Montezuma’s Revenge with a big ol’ bacon, eggs and hashbrowns sunday brunch. The waitstaff were all youngish, well groomed, attractive and fit Mexicans, laughing and joking in Spanish with my wife, and the service was the best I’ve had in any restaurant anywhere (as was the grapefruit). The prices worked out to almost exactly what they charge at the Denny’s in Seattle, which makes this fairly upscale dining for Mexico. As far as I could tell, the menu was nearly identical, except you have your choice of a number of salsas and tortillas with your eggs. The place was packed with happy Mexican families all in their sunday best; nary a fat, sweats-clad American in sight.
To repeat my thesis statement: Nicest Denny’s in the World.
[re=471065]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: After surviving a long, hot wait and a near-riot by the bumpees of a way overbooked flight out of Costa Rica, the free fleabag hotel room and the Denny’s next to it were the highlights of my little family’s exodus from that little bit of Central American hell. Viva los Denny’s!
[re=471065]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: There is also a very nice Denny’s at the end of duval street in Key West, but not as nice a view as you’ve described (wrong end of Duval). Also too many fat tourists (U.S and German, the only fat Europeans) who wandered away from the cruise ships and couldn’t make it back before thier blood sugar dropped to diabetic levels.
[re=471077]bitchincamaro[/re]: HA! Fuck you and watch what you say about Costa Rica. Quepos in 1978 thru 1981 was paradise on earth. Then they finished the road to the beaches and the goddamn tourists ruined everything. I hate you and everyone else for that matter. (The monkeys hate you too). And when I got back to the states Reagan was president and the monkeys hate him too.
[re=470975]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Particularly if that Dead Kennedy’s CD is Frankenchrist. Double bonus Xmas points if Geiger’s Penis Landscape poster is included as an insert.
Bottles??? The one time I took communion, all I got was a tiny sip of non-alcoholic grape juice to go with my host.
[re=470948]Whitey Did Katrina[/re]: You can also use them to rob a 7-11
While I was in a Denny’s in Orlando, sitting on the table, in one of those little plastic stands was the Denny’s “Wine List.” Seriously. My friend and I couldn’t stop laughing. See, it isn’t a list per se — it’s a picture of three bottles of wine (Sutter Home, if you were wondering), one white, one pink and one red. If you can read the teeny print on the labels, it’s a chardonnay, a white zin and a merlot. No pricing. No descriptions. Definitely no vintages (but what did you expect in Denny’s?). Just three pictures that you can point to to order your fine wine to go with your Grand Slam.
So I stole it.
[re=471065]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Thanks, Lou.
Ken, your theology is mistaken. As has been pointed out by several other Wonketeers, Jesus was a great party guess, because he always brought unlimited wine.
Jesus was tortured and executed in the end because it turned out he was born in Kenya and was a Muslim.
[re=470948]Whitey Did Katrina[/re]: Put me down for a hundred.
Perkins pies are better. (Will the Wonkette bookkeeper please forward me my share of the check from Perkins for mentioning their outstanding pies when you get it so I can buy 2 big boxes of Almaden Chablis for under $25?) Thnx.
Also my share of the Almaden check. Sorry. Thnx again.
[re=471135]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: When did Denny’s start serving alcohol (albeit really bad alcohol … oh nevermind, there’s no such thing as bad alcohol)?!?! That might almost (almost) make a trip to Denny’s worthwhile.
Really, all I got from this post was that Denny’s has Holiday Pies. So….
My answer to ”how many bottles of wine do you need?” is as many as people want to bring me. Sheesh, hasn’t this lady ever heard of ‘the more the merrier”? And we ARE supposed to be merry at this time of year, AREN’T WE???
I am old enough to remember having been denied entry at a Denny’s in the Sin Fernando Valley for the crime of having arrived aboard a gasp! motorcycle. Fuck that, said we, we’re going to Sambo’s. They’d take ANYone at Sambo’s.
I’ll always bring the weed.
The wine takes care of itself.
[re=471102]engulfedinflames[/re]: The “hell” I described was admittedly limited to San Jose’s pathetic airport. Corrected. Pura vida!!!
Speaking of booze… It turns out if you spend $624 at three different liquor stores and a dunkin donuts in one night, Visa apparently thinks your card is “stolen.”
This is a variation on the idea that “There is no such thing as too much ammunition.”
[re=471371]bitchincamaro[/re]: San Jose has an airport? Last I was there it could best be described as a landing strip, the planes were DC3′s with nose art, I flew on wahooo! , and the aisle of the plane was a river of vomit, ahhh ,fond memories.
anyway, you’re forgiven and I’m better medicated now so I’m sorry I said the hate word,can’t speak for the monkeys though.
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How many roads must a man walk down? Two paths diverge in a yellow wood; which one should I take? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Who shot JR? Can’t we all just get along? How many Sarah Palin’s does it take too screw in a lightbulb?
THESE — and many more — are the questions Americans deserve to know the answer to!
[re=471225]Crazybroad[/re]: the best denny’s have cocktail lounges. seriously. of course, you only see the inside of a denny’s cocktail lounge once. it’s like the inevitable conclusion to “people of wal-mart.” but they will bring booze to your family dining table upon request.
to answer the original question, the host needs enough bottles of wine to regift the crappy merlots and chardonnays and keep the good shit for himself.
More, more! The answer is ‘more!’
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