The Moonie Times’ critically mocked real-life adaptation of King Lear appears to have reached its fifth act, where Rev. Moon expands his kingdom into the burgeoning Mass Funeral sector and then fucks off to Paraguay to die. The Washington Times is laying off FORTY percent of its workforce. But… but not for 60 days so silver lining? Hooray! Plenty of time to choose any of the millions of media jobs on the market right now! Ugh. BRUTAL. Worse yet, the Times issued a press release shortly after giving its staff the bad news, wryly titled, “Washington Times Announces Additional Changes to Become a 21st Century Multimedia Company.” Points for honesty, that. “21st Century Multimedia Company” is code for one that’s fired all of its employees. [Mike Calderone]
MOONIES ON ICE
December 2, 2009
{ 70 comments }
And what of our Liz???!?!?!
[re=470535]chascates[/re]: Oh, that’s the best part I forgot to mention! They have 60 days to find new jobs, but mgmt won’t actually name names for another, oh, ~60 days?
Is there anyone here who considers employees of the Washington Times actual journalists? Just curious.
They’ll be fine. If ANYONE can get a job in today’s economy, I’m sure it’s a right wing opinion peddler disguised as an honest journalist.
Another right-wing rag ready to bite the dust. Yawn.
So they can get 21st Century unemployment and Multimedia food stamps.
[re=470536]Jim Newell[/re]: Maybe they just want to have watching the staff backstab each other for two months and jockey for office space. I mean – what the hell – it IS fun!
Couldn’t they have gotten rid of that many if they simply got rid of all the people who used to give Bill Salmon hand jobs before he moved over to FOX?
Oh please let Moanica Crowley be among the unemployed! Bitch just gets on my last nerve.
Not to worry, right-wing-tards-who-pretend-to-be-journalist, I’m sure Newsmax, Worldnet Daily and Slate are hiring.
I’m sure those crack ‘journalists’ (translation: stenographers for GOP talking points) at Politico can use a few more hands.
[re=470547]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: You left out Pajamas Media and unemployedhousewivesinpanties.com
Geez, I hope these “journalists” aren’t tainted from their stint at the Moonie Times.
(Heh, taint.)
But they’re still going to carry Family Circus, right?
[re=470549]mollymcguire[/re]:
Yes re pj media.
Re unemployedhousewivesinpanties.com, I am intrigued by your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
I will always wonder why Liz Glover took that gig…
[re=470549]mollymcguire[/re]:
Your search – http://www.unemployedhousewivesinpanties.com – did not match any documents.
Ha, you made me look. There’s a market opportunity there for the unemployed media people. Panties, an iPhone and they are the new Roger Mudd.
In Meghan news today she switched from a Blackberry to an iPhone–apparently getting ready for the http://www.unemployedhousewivesinpanties.com thing and she is having troubles. * Why doesn’t she have her own sitcom?
“hmm, had my phone for a few hours and I still can’t send or receive calls. anyone know if this is normal?”
about 2 hours ago from web
“I gave in and switched to an iphone from a blackberry, really hoping this was a smart move…”
about 3 hours ago from web
Oh, I see, they finally figured out how to be more efficient – just let Republican operatives write the stories instead of bothering with those pesky “reporter” middlemen.
FoxNews will be doing the same thing in a week or two, I’m sure.
[re=470564]coolcatdaddy[/re]: with a circulation of just 67k, it might even be more efficient to hand deliver flaming bags of shit to subscibers’ doorsteps, no?
The Bad News Bearers Go to Korea is easily the worst film in the series.
[re=470558]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Yeah the idea sounds great but you know it’s the internet. We’d never really know if the breaking news we were getting excited about actually had been typed by real housewives and if they actually had been in real panties when they typed the copy.
Unless every story came with a video link showing the housewife in her panties typing the story…
[re=470562]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Do you have any idea how hard it is for a young white woman to get arranged mass married in this day and age?
Life’s 21st century multimedia bitch and then you die.
[re=470570]shadowMark[/re]: and even then, we’d need a slitscreen, er splitscreen showing the typing being done, whilst in said panties. And we all know that can be faked too, so perhaps we’d need videos of houswives in panties just cold reading the news to us, like they used to do on the teevee?
:Multi-media: is online-only written by freelancers, isn’t it?
[re=470535]chascates[/re]: [re=470536]Jim Newell[/re]: She must be over the Moon!
[re=470574]Crank Tango[/re]: Been done. It’s called “Fox News.”
[re=470536]Jim Newell[/re]: Nice touch. They’ll adjust the list of names based on who leaves before the 60 day window is up. SWEEEEET.
[re=470536]Jim Newell[/re]: Hmm, so this means that dear Liz will have nothing to lose by giving us all an inside “anonymous tipster” look at how all this goes down. Kim chi journalism, FTW!
It’s not really a big deal — Sun Myung Moon was just given 60 days to live, and since he thinks he’s the messiah, he figures the world’s gonna end. The day after he croaks, they’re just gonna hire everybody back again.
[re=470562]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Begins with ‘M’ and rhymes with cunny.
I’m almost sorry I didn’t reply to Liz’s Mobster World request on the Twitters now! Apparently I was part of her family. Who knew?
In the wonderful “fuck you” way they said it back in the early 90′s, the Washington Times is not “down sizing,” it’s “right sizing” — or in this case “right-wing sizing.”
[re=470536]Jim Newell[/re]:
That means that in the next 60 days, they’ll lose anyone and everyone capable of finding another job. They may surpass that 40% goal. Wow
Lesson in this, don’t work for company run by a cult.
“Lear”?
Isn’t that . . . well. . . POETRY?
And if it’s Lear, can I quote it to Liz?:
“Oh, beautiful pussy, Oh pussy my love!
What a beautiful pussy you are, you are!
What a beautiful pus . . . ”
What?
“KING Lear”? Not Edward?
:::Whoops:::
Never mind, Liz. My bad.
[P.S. Kipling's "Young British Soldier" quoted in today's Op-Ed page of the Los Angeles Times/Daily Fishwrap!]
[re=470563]shadowMark[/re]: Dear Meghan,
This is normal.
Sincerely,
Steve Jobs
So are they laying off the Moonies or the non-Moonies?
Who will explain the world to America’s military?
More bad news for the right: the conservative movement has lost its toehold on the gay British pothead demographic.
http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/12/leaving-the-right.html
s_jobs@apple.com
p.s. I am CEO of a “21st Century Multimedia Company” for anyone looking for work.
[re=470563]shadowMark[/re]: Hell yeah, I’d watch the Meghan sitcom! Today: Meghan sells Cindy’s oxycontin after a misunderstanding with a mysterious stranger. Can she replace them before Cindy swallows the replacement mothballs? Guest: RuPaul.
60 days to stick chewing gum in your computers’ USB ports, disgruntled workers. Begin.
[re=470618]grevillea[/re]: Meghan’s Frog Eyes in “Hoppy Daze”. Meghan is The Fonz. Heyyyyyyy….. [Thumbs up]
Meghan jumps the shark.
These Hoppy Daze are yours and mine Hoppy Daze
Multi-media? Um. News paper on the lawn. News paper in the vending machine. News paper in the recycle bin.
Maybe all of the downsizing will allow them to go straight to micro-fish wrap.
Har!
Sell more airport roses, motherfuckers.
So a corporation owned by a religious cult with a fifteenth century outlook is downsizing to become more twenty first century? Wouldn’t it be simpler to just wait until Moon dies and doesn’t come back? Of course, just our luck, some Paul type motherf*cker will come along and create a real religion out of the whole mess. Isn’t Sarah Palin between jobs right now?
Please tell me Byron York got the axe.
[re=470633]Starrigavan[/re]: Isn’t Sarah Palin between jobs right now?
No, no, no. If Trig is Tommy and Sarah is Ann-Margret as Mrs. Walker then I think we’re right about at the part where she sings “Champagne:”
Today it rained champagne!
A son was born again!
A genius unchained!
A life of wealth and fame!
Wealth and fame!
Champagne flowing down just like rain
Caviar breakfasts every day
Merchant banks and yachts at Cannes
Servants and cars and private sand
They flock in thousands strong
We’ll just play along
A million in reserve
For love, of just deserves
Just deserves!
Birds and flowers and peacock’s wings
Sequined gowns and birds that sing
Private planes and fishing lakes
Bigger crowds and bigger, bigger, bigger takes
But what’s it all worth?
What’s it all worth when my son is blind?
He can’t hear the music or enjoy what I’m buying
His life is worthless, affecting mine
I’d pay any price to drive his plight from my mind!
So now Sarah is at the plot point where she thinks she has everything but realizes it all sucks because Trig-as-Tommy can’t enjoy it with her even though she owes it all to him.
Now things get dramatic.
Now Sarah starts to freak out. Pretty soon she does that 60s kind of dance and pushes Trig-as-Tommy into the mirror and all hell breaks loose.
So Sarah’s got a lot on her plate right now.
[re=470616]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You left out the bareback demographic.
[re=470636]shadowMark[/re]: And I get threatened with the BanHammer just because I quote a couple of stanzas of the work of the first Nobel Laureate for Literature who wrote in the English language?
(Well, that, and the fact that I’m an asshole.)
But I mean, really . . . .
“The new Washington Times will continue to report Washington-focused news that other journalistic enterprises often overlook,” said Slevin. “Fearless reporting, respect for American values, and crisply written editorials and columns will remain the centerpieces of our new strategy, and our content will continue to engage readers and viewers through a wide range of 21st century media.”
Question: Were the elitist WT copy editors the first to get chucked or is the above translated from the original Romulan? Nurse Chapel, hello ….
Perhaps Scientology is looking to buy a newspaper.
[re=470558]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: +
[re=470640]Neilist[/re]: Yes, because you’re a cryptic asshole. But, yes, Shadowmark. Stop. I’ve seen the movie. Assume we know the lyrics.
There may be one, or even two, openings at Team Huckabee.
That would be Flack, and Aspirant.
Applicants who are not accepted will provide the Huckabee clan with nourishment.
Good luck!
[re=470646]NYNYNY[/re]: Sorry. I don’t have an agenda. Just too much Red Bull.
[re=470633]Starrigavan[/re]: Sarah is moving in the world. Apparently, bowling was Reagan’s sport of choice.
[re=470636]shadowMark[/re]: That can only mean it’s coming up to the scene where Sarah slithers around for awhile in a half ton of baked beans. (Seeing as it’s a remake, why not go with moose chili?)
[re=470646]NYNYNY[/re]: I like to think of Neillist as our own Palinesque “special angel,” (I think you know what I’m saying) with a slight case of Tourette’s.
As for Tommy, I really enjoyed the soundtrack, I mean for years, until I saw the movie. I even went back and watched it un-stoned, to see if I was missing anything. I wasn’t.
[re=470638]mollymcguire[/re]: Oh, dear — that was so many other scandals ago I’d completely forgotten about it. But then there are hardly enough neurons to remember every single person who condemned Bill Clinton’s peccadillos while also advertising for unprotected gay sex.
Who knew Moonies would be such assholes?
[re=470650]El Pinche[/re]: Less sarcasm from you my laddy. This is the Bowling Industry’s PREMIER INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION we are talking about here.
They should have done what the Washington Post did and turn themselves into a blog, which as history has demonstrated can be effectively run by a thirteen year old from his mothers basement (looking at you, Dana Millbank).
Hot stock tip: Look for a surge in flower sales next quarter.
[re=470648]OzoneTom[/re]: Just cause Huckafuck showed mercy to one of his coloreds don’t make him a bad guy.
…and 148 bloggers are born. These days, there really is one born every minute.
Bad news: We had to amputate your hands. Good news: The guy one desk over wants to buy your keyboard.
In the wake of firing or forcing out its president, chairman, chief executive Officer, chief financial officer, managing or executive editor, and editorial page editor, the Times has decided to fire its local news editor, features editor, sports editor, wire editor, news editor, copy desk editor, business editor, national editor and foreign editor.
Tony Blankley is gonna have to rent out his bowler hat on the weekends.
[re=470660]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Tourette’s? Isthatthesamethingascrystalmeth?Huh?Huh?Isit?Whatdidyoumeanbythat?Huh?YORMAMA!Huh?::::scratchingscabsonarms::::Huh?Huh?
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