Senator Judd Gregg, who only a few decades ago, in 2009, nearly became a domestic policy Cabinet member in the liberal Barack Obama administration, has circulated to his fellow Senate Republicans a memo listing in extreme detail the various medieval Dark Magic procedures it can apply to impede health care reform from reaching a final vote. Using legal methods to protect minority rights — sounds a bit ACORN-y, don’t it, HMM?
Basically they are all along the lines of, “If you speak the magic password ‘knickers’ to a pack of giraffes in the pages’ dorm, place three (3) pubic hairs in the janitor’s file cabinet, pour a bucket of turpentine in the toilet, and lastly and this must be done in proper order utter the words ‘Motion to $32lkrf2n’ to the presiding Senate president, you will be allowed to return provisions of the bill back to committee for further review and the review will take like nineteen (19) months and by that time everyone will be really sick of it and give up, as it states in the Commodity Futures Senate Filibuster Cloture Quorum Latin Magna Carta Modernization Rules Act of 1824 clause 5.432.3.Y, as affirmed in 2005 Supreme Court case David Addington vs. This Case Never Happened Because David Addington Holds The Legal Opinion That The Supreme Court Doesn’t Exist And Can Fuck Off, and endorsed by Jesus.”
It’s amazing how efficiently Republicans get their shit together when there’s an opportunity on the horizon to act like jackasses. But hey, that’s their prerogative! TO ENSURE THE DEBATE IS THOROUGH BEFORE THEY DECIDE THEIR VOTES.
Good luck, Harry Reid! Yeesh. Too bad the Democrats can’t bring Lyndon Johnson back from the grave to guest-spot as Majority Leader for a few months. He’d somehow hear that Republicans were planning to pull this crap weeks before they had even thought of it or knew they could, then appear in their dreams, slap each of ‘em on the back, grin, and threaten to publish obscene Polaroids he’d obtained of them fornicating with Negro waiters in their fraternity houses, which is maybe illegal.
Does Harry Reid have it in him to procure the proverbial Magic Negro Polaroids required to move a piece of legislation through the United States Senate, or will this be his Vietnam? Will this be his Katrina? Will this be his Hurricane Katrina?
Judd Gregg’s Blueprint for GOP Obstruction [TPM]
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It’s quite refreshing to find out that ~40% of the Legislative branch of the United States has an interest in, y’know, governing.
Oh, wait, the opposite.
I’m pretty sure Harry’s response will be to sweat profusely, then cry a little, then offer to cut out the portions that relate to ‘health care’ and replace them with a ‘huge capital gains tax cut for whites’, and then somehow surrender his senate majority leader seat to Lieberman, or something.
Hey Democrats — next time you reach across the aisle, make sure you have at least a meat cleaver in your hand.
I say we replace the rules of the senate with a blackjack, two cans of mace, a pack of marlboros. Lock em up and say they come out with a healthcare plan or a really thinned out roster.
At this point I’m more in favor of killing Granny than ever.
The Juddster sure has his knickers in a twist now don’t he? Mayhaps Harry Reid could persuade Lyndon’s ghost to really twist-up Judd’s panties so he can hit C over high C singing an Alvin & the Chipmunks’ classic whatever is the current GOP (Grinchs of Perpetuity) seasonality poop on you song. Now that would be a filibuster fulla bluster.
“The Minority Party” is kind of catchy. I hope the GOP takes it as a permanent name.
[re=470503]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’d prefer they reach across the aisle with 40 plane tickets to Afghanistan.
This is all a scam. Spend any time near Capitol Hill, and you will soon learn that what gets debated in the Senate is determined by a series of blow-jobs in the Cloak Room. The Senator who gives the most blow-jobs gets to cast the deciding vote.
The House is similar, but it comes down to who can spank the most pages.
Well can’t the Democrats roll out Robert Byrd (D-WV) who has -what- been in that office since West Virginia became a state (during Shay’s Rebellion or something) and who personally drafted most of the rules and included even more arcane and obscure ways around them? Or, wtf, have Al Franken say smart alec things to the Republicans.
Holy crap, I think I just got a little sympathy for Harry Reid….oh, woops, no that’s vomit.
Minority ententes with power?
What country is this?
How about we just send Judge Dredd to kick Judd Gregg’s ass?
“And we gon’ break this thang down in just a few motions. Now, don’t have me break this thang down for nothin’!
Now I wanna see y’all on y’all baddest behavior! Lend me some minutes, I am your legislator!
Ahh…HERE WE GO!”
Fuck it we might as well go for single payer and let these dickheads go on record as killing that. When everyone is dead in a few years, it will be easy to assign blame.
I already don’t have health insurance and I know that despite my age and love of substance abuse I am still healthier than everyone in alabama combined, whatever that means.
[re=470511]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Actually, they’re all cranky about being equated w/Messicans. We’d get a lot more done if we renamed the position. Ooh…you know what they like bieng? Victims. The Victim Party has a nice ring, ya? They’ll never let that shit go.
Maybe Reid should set up a TV and show all the outraged posturing the Republicans were doing on elminating the filibuster, like, four years ago or whenever that was. It wouldn’t achieve anything, but it would be funny!
Funny how Judd Gregg seems to know all these fun little Senate rules that Herry Reid forgot when he was in the minority. How come Mitch McConnell didn’t know about these awesome little pranks? Isn’t he the Imperial Wizard of the Shrinking Republican whine-caucus or something?
[re=470519]Sharkey[/re]: Hell, even Judd Nelson could kick that neo maxi zoom dweebie’s ass.
But if you’d prefer to send a Judge, Rheinhold could really use the work.
[re=470526]Extemporanus[/re]: Now that you mention it, either one of The Judds could probly get that done.
All in the spirit of having a healthy “debate,” when, according to Gregg’s own memo, every Republican has already decided the bill is “wrong.”
So, if this most worthless of all versions of the Republican Party manages to sink the bill (I will cough on them at every opportunity), will they get extra credit for not only having managed to do nothing on health care – not even clip an ingrown toenail – during the eight years they were in power, but also for restoring the American health care system to its glorious and completely unchanged, original, costly, profiteering, cynical, corrupt and hazardous inefficiency?
I’m pretty sure Harry Reid wrote these rules shortly after becoming majority leader. Ya’know, just to keep things civil, and fair.
“We, the minority party, must use the tools we have in the Senate”.
[re=470523]jfruh[/re]: Well, it would be funny for US. The Republicans would see it, shrug, and say “So what?”
jesus, how many underage boys must one provide for plowing in order to get a damn bill debated on around here?
[re=470524]NJB[/re]: Why does Imperial Wizard seem like such a fitting title? I know I’ve heard it before somewhere.
This will be Harry Reid’s Katrina & The Waves – walking on sunshine, time to feel good yeah; abrupt disappearance from public view forever; dubious immortality as first track on What the Fuck Ever Happened to the ’00′s: Vol. 14.
[re=470530]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Nice. I see what you did there. All 41 tools at their disposal (I include Lieberman in that count, of course)
[re=470540]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: I don’t know, but Mitch really loves the costumes he gets to wear at the cross burnings.
[re=470527]Sharkey[/re]: Wynonna would literally eat him alive.
[re=470524]NJB[/re]: [re=470540]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: He’s the Imperial Wizard Sleeve of the Shrinking Republican White Cock-Ass.
Jeez, Louise – I haven’t seen such a convoluted mess since I read a journal article by a Duke English professor.
It’s not even an equivalency to when Democrats were in the minority. Then, Democratic senators still represented more than half the population. This group of GOP + weak-kneed Democrats from empty-ass states represent how much of the population now? 30%? 35%? I’m too stupid/lazy to figure it out, but it’s not more than 40%, the fuckers.
Of course Republicans debate things thoroughly before voting. That’s how we know the invasion of Iraq was the right thing to do.
[re=470565]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=470554]NJB[/re]: That’s right! Ah what is life without a little harmless bigotry says I! I mean, if it weren’t for these “parliamentary procedures” the civil rights bill might have passed so much smoother and then we wouldn’t have had, and then…
Fuggit, I’m sticking to my lock them in a room with draconian weaponry plan. Slap some closed circuit tvs up in that mofo and throw it on ppv. Be all like “FILIBUSTER 82: BAD BLOOD ON THE SENATE FLOOR-REVENGE!” We just need the guy who does the voice overs for monster truck rallies and we’re GOOD.
A Secret Guide to Fucking Over The American People by Judge Dredd.
Thanks asshole.
[re=470582]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: We should totally set the Senate Chamber up with some mechanism whereby the first Senator to make a stupid point of order is killed in a Rube Goldberg deathtrap. Bonus agony if you bring the objection on Constitutional grounds.
And at the end, they are catapulted out of the Rotunda into a pit of spikes, and on each spike is carved “FUCK YOU. Signed, America <3″
Apparently, just being a dick by nature is not enough.
[re=470585]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: No, thank YOU, asshole. Now I have an image stuck in my head of Sylvester Stallone yelling “PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDUUUUURE” at me, on constant loop.
Jim wins the comedy championship for funniest post in many months.
So, the Rethugs are threatening an anti-filibuster? Does that even work in Bizarro World? Their whole thing has been to prevent debate. And now Juddly is threatening to what … ? Un-stop a not-debate? Force an up-or-down vote on a down-or-up not-vote? Whatever, as long as it involves all-pro bloviating and adult diapers, I say bring it.
But seriously, where do the senators score their dope? Those wicked shits must be smoking some wicked shit.
[re=470595]Zadig[/re]: It’s the carving in the spikes that really says sells it I think. That last little detail that makes it clear this torture was designed with love.
Gregg thinks he’s in a minority that needs its rights protected? He can tell me all about it after the majority’s armed thugs punt his ass off the Edmund Pettus Bridge, if he lives.
GOP, Going Overboard on Pity at least twice a day, like its mascot & metaphor the broken clock.
Didn’t Mr. Smith (Jimmy Stewart) use these sorts of rules in “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington”?
Oh, sorry, I forgot. That was a Li-BUR-Al movie hero. Never mind.
[Yeah, yeah, I know: Neilist is an asshole. BUR . . . err . . . BAN him!]
No…Neilist is just an ass.
[re=470614]Neilist[/re]: Liberal? It’s a little guy fighting powerful entrenched corruption. Frank Capra wasn’t dumb enough to alienate half his audience — the issues were unthreateningly populist (wasn’t Mr. Smith sponsoring a bill to create a boys’ camp or something?), and the bad guys were contrived caricatures in both politics and industry for balance.
You might rightly think it’s awful and thus project liberal motives into it, but it’s pure populist pap served up to an audience that had been fucked for a solid decade by the depression and thus was willing to pay two bits to feel like they had a chance to change the crappy world around them. No actual political views involved.
Judd-poh’s letter reads like a Reader’s Digest version of the introduction to Mein Kampf.
I. RIGHTS AVAILABLE TO MINORITY BEFORE MEASURES ARE CONSIDERED ON FLOOR
A. Holler, “Toga Party!” .Strip and give Jello shots to the pages. Many more shots than the usual.
B. A cherry bomb in Susan Collin’s pissoire. The bitch.
C. If any Dem tries to speak, finger drum “Wipe Out” on your desk. Do the “neh-neh” part, also.
D. Fire alarms. My gosh, they’re just everywhere.
E. Scream, “Who’s your daddy now?’ at any pause. After, hire a detective to find who’s your daddy.
F. Demand to see the Ugandan long-form birth certificate. Ask your AA to find Uganda on a map of South America.
G. Wet farting.
H. As a caucus, approach the Senate ‘well’ while doing the zombie march from “Thriller”. Do not to trip over McNuggets.
I. Top of your lungs, “Stairway to Heaven.” If Stairway reminds of your many constituents who have been blowed up in their crank labs, then that country tune, “In the Bhagavad-Gita, K-Lo“.
J. Brown Shirts. And more Brown Shirts. The Reichstag wasn’t burnt in a day.
I AM THE LAW.
errr.
I AM A DOUCHE-BAGGEY OBSTRUCTIONIST IGNORING THE WILL OF HIS OWN CONSTITUENTS IN ORDER TO JUST BE A MASSIVE PRICK.
Jeez, it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
[re=470627]SayItWithWookies[/re]: No, no, no. Don’t you get it? Any movie where fat, rich, white people are thwarted from becoming richer, it’s a Li-BUR-Al movie.
What’s poplulation gots to do with it? WTF, Wookies?
Nuclear Option!
[re=470663]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: What annoys me is how terribly simplistic Capra’s movies are. The idea that his one-dimensional worldview could be equated with liberalism — which is always allegedly too nuanced for its own good — while it can also be grasped by the average Glenn Beck viewer, is just horrifying. We’d come up with art you don’t like, bitches!
[re=470667]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, and I also don’t think Neilist is an asshole — in fact I like that he’s posted here for so long without being trollishly obtuse, aside from the occasional foray into arms-related speculative slash fiction. It’s the same reason I make devil horns at the girl across the table when my boss is saying grace at our annual Thanksgiving lunch. I respect and enjoy that.
When your pee-pee is small you have to use every trick in the book.
This will be Reid’s (Russian) Afghanistan.
I get annoyed with my prez when I see Judd’s name and listen to his fiscal responsibilities blah blah blah. I was annoyed that he gave the keynote address at the convention to boring rightwing Warner. Bayh, me no like. Lieberman, where’s his Corleone punishment?
Okay, Huntsman, and that Army guy, good moves, but does he realize that he isn’t going to get anywhere courting Republics, while annoying his base.
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