Butt plug.Want to make sure next year is awful, too? Then why not book your passage today on the March 2010 Love Boat! For as little as $1,349 per person, you can share a tiny claustrophobic inside cabin for seven fucking days and nights on some hideous cruise ship, and during the day you will be forced out on the deck to suck Dick Morris’ toes. (Could be worse. You could have “anus duty.”) Some other wingnuts you’ve never heard of, they’ll be hanging around, too! And if you just won the lottery and need to get rid of that cash, quick, go ahead and spend $17,598 for a single veranda suite on this Death Boat. [NewsMax Cruise]

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  1. Here’s hoping the Conch Republic captures them for sailing in their waters, declares war, immediately surrenders, and then sues for war damages. Releasing prisoners is optional.

  2. Let’s all get together and get this for Barry for X-mas or whatever holiday he celebrates. It’ll take his mind off all the pictures of dead Afghanis he’s going to be getting. USA! USA!

  3. I see there will be two board certified physicians on the cruise. Are they going to give presentations, or is their presence more of a practical nature? Oh, it might be a bit of both. Paging Dr. Mengele.

  4. If there is a G-d, and evolution does its thing, there will be a newer deadlier strain of norovirus evolved by then.

    Psst, food-handling cruise line employees, be sure to s*** on your hands before returning to work. Ken will pay big big $$$ for exclusive cell phone pix of conservatards blearghing their chicken-hawk guts out.

  5. Wow: Grover Norquist, Ralph Reed and “Dick” Morris all afloat at the same time. Let’s all pitch in and buy a black-market torpedo to solve many problems at once.

    Ken: congrats on avoiding the trite and obvious “ship of fools” metaphor which I’m deploying here, you’re welcome.

  6. I don’t know a lot about cruises or nuthin’, but don’t they always end with some kind of disease epidemic? Maybe all those wingnuts will come down with flesh-eating bacteria or something wicked like that.

  7. One of the featured onboard activities is to (no joke), “Enjoy coffee and The New York Times.” One wonders if any of the attendees could pass a/the purity test after the cruise.

  8. God invented Dick Morris to make Sean Hannity look human.

    And is there anyone more pitiful than Hannity? He finally gets rid of Colmes so that no one can point out the truth on his show, looks forward to finally becoming top dog over at Fox, and yet he is still behind O’Reilly and now Glen Beck. All those years of sucking Gulianni’s and McCain’s balls, and he is still bottom guy on the shit pole.

    But I digress. The only thing good about Dick Morris is that you know what ever he says, the opposite is true.

  9. The guest speaker lineup looks like a low-budget remake of Gilligan’s Island, with Dick Morris as the Skipper, Eileen Dunn as a 90-year-old-and-Botoxed-to-hell Ginger, and Ralph Reed in the dual role of Gilligan and Mary Ann in bad drag.

  10. [re=470180]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Erm. Eileen McCann, you moran. Also, Grover Norquist will do a cameo as the horny female gorilla infatuated with Gillian.

  11. I kind of felt sorry for him at one point. The whole ‘falling in love with your prostitute’ thing was kind of pathetic. Then he went back to being a bit of a dick.

  12. The only way they could have gotten Ralph Reed on that boat is for it to be dry. This is painful irony, since there’s no other boat on which you’d more need a drink than this one.

  13. And for those really special wingnut ladies, Dick Morris will play shuffleboard in a speedo. Ralph Reed will be performing torch songs with the rest of the Holland America cruiseboys.

  14. [re=470167]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Look again. One is “one of the foremost practitioners of holistic medicine”; so that makes it one actual physician and one quack.

    Nice to see that the one woman speaker has the shortest biography by far; and it just notes that she’s Dick Morris’ wife and co-wrote some books with him. Presumably, she must also be forgiving for hooker toe-sucking.

  15. [re=470186]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Ha, now you have me thinking of this cruise ship marooning all the maroons and not a single professor among them. However, I’m thinking more Lord of the Flies, less Gilligan’s Island.

  16. What an incredible prank it would be to give people “free cruise tickets” but not tell them it was the newsmax cruise. They would not know until it was too late.

  17. When you scroll down the various cabins/packages, consider the poor, pathetic soul who signs up for the cheap, steerage cabin, because he can’t afford anything else, but really, REALLY wants to be with these people, who he believes are looking after him. It’s nothing but sad.

  18. Talk about depravity. This is a new nadir of human experience. I mean, I can’t even imagine being on a cruise with people I actually like. But to be willingly stuck on a boat with THESE people? That’s masochism of a degree even the Marquis de Sade would have found appalling.

  19. [re=470203]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: I think that would be in violation of the 8th Amendment to the Constitution, inflicting cruel & unusual punishment and whatnot.

  20. [re=470190]Larry McAwful[/re]: Nah; Ralph Reed’s fine with the drinking on board, at any bar that bribes him properly. Then he’ll just try to shut down any competitors of the bribing bar.

  21. Is it too much to hope for Tom Delay to sign on as the entertainment director? Dance, twinkletoes! Dance! Dick with massage your sore feet later.

  22. [re=470227]facehead[/re]: It’s either something to do with sexytime, or what one might experience on a cruise of the Baltic, before the iron curtain came down. I’m thinking the latter.

  23. Let’s see now…most of the ship’s crew will be from the Phillippines, Latin America, Bulgaria and other parts of Europe, Mumbai…we can only hope they rise to the occasion and do indeed make sure that norovirus and swine flu combine with rough seas to make the decks awash in karma.

  24. I went on a themed cruise once. There were a few hundred of “us”, and a few hundred quilters (hold me back!) and maybe 500 “booze cruisers” . Your only hope is to partner up with a member of the booze cruise, for unlimited libations. This is an actual thing, and highly recommended.

  25. [re=470206]One Yield Regular[/re]: You are aware of this thing called CPAC, right? Maybe you’ve heard of The Republican Party Convention? Or perhaps you’ve visited The Family’s house on C Street? Or maybe a church somewhere? Denomination just ain’t important when you have values, Jesus and a three-legged potato-sack race after meetin’ on the line.

  26. They should also book Ex-Congressman Fred “Gopher” Grady. He can contribute to stimulating political conversation AND serve as ship’s purser. A twofer or some such thing.

  27. If the damn thing sinks, watch the fun!

    *The free market types will want to auction off seats in the life boats.
    *The NRA types will shoot their way onto the lifeboats.
    *The social conservatives will pray for the rapture.

    And they’ll all die, because they’ll all fuck it up.

  28. If this boat sinks (Heaven forfend), then Grover “Drown government in a bathtub” Norquist will lay claim to the most ironic death win like ever.

  29. [re=470198]gurukalehuru[/re]: The Bermuda Triangle – a three hour cruise, a three hour cruise…

    [re=470160]depraved indifference engine[/re]: I’ll wrestle you for it, mate… I’d love to hate-fuck Norquist, but first I’d have to smash ‘im in the face and collect his blood for lube…

    [re=470250]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Prick Rick will be tied to the mast, and used as the shuffleboard target…

    [re=470270]t_rax[/re]: Boy touching? That’s an optional trip to Limbaugh’s Island…

  30. [re=470181]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Haitian pirates, maybe. Actually, this could be a good money-making opportunity for them, as I’m sure a number of voodoo priests would be fascinated by this brand of zombies and pay top dollar for some NewsMax readers or Paultard sheeples.

  31. [re=470181]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I say we ensure it. Send them some fuel money and extra rations to get them there and let them have a go at it.

  32. Johnathan Hari’s report on the 2007 cruise is a hoot.

    “The Iraq war has been an amazing success, global warming is just a myth and Guantanamo Bay is practically a holiday camp. The annual cruise organized by the ‘National Review,’ mouthpiece of right-wing America, is a parallel universe populated by straight-talking, gun-toting, God-fearing Republicans.”

    Racism, also.

  33. [re=470257]Katydid[/re]: Nah, they invited Dick Morris because he’s so bloated he can be used as a flotation device. Which will come in handy when they’re torpedeoed by the USS Libtard.

  34. [re=470242]Chickensmack[/re]: Well aware. But combining all that with the usual horrors of a cruise just pushes it into a new realm of awful.

  35. [re=470160]depraved indifference engine[/re]: [re=470283]Bearbloke[/re]: Maybe one of you could swab his poop dick while the other “yo ho hos” a bottle of cum.

  36. [re=470242]Chickensmack[/re]: I should add that a friend once showed me a “suggested costumes” list for a “masquerade ball” on one of those cruises. Among the usual suggestions, things like “mermaid,” “pirate,” and “fisherman,” there were also some peculiar ones such as “not wanted on voyage” and “mal de mer.” Now I don’t know how YOU’D feel about seeing Grover Norquist disguised as “mal de mer,” but, just… ICK.

  37. [re=470291]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: I like the “Titanic” scenario: Dick Morris spreads his arms at the vessel’s prow saying “I’m flying, Grover” and the whole ship topples over forward.

  38. [re=470423]Extemporanus[/re]: If by “swab his poop dick[sic]” and “yo ho hos” you mean giving that vile prat a donkey punch whilst getting a blumkin from him, I’m game mate – [re=470160]depraved indifference engine[/re], how about you?

    BTW, my mates down here who couldn’t afford to do an Overseas lurve it when I introduce these vulgar Americanisms into our otherwise highly-refined Queen’s English convos… however, the ones who did their Overseas are generally appalled…

  39. Gee the rebubbakins must be feeling pretty safe allowing this much of their brain trust together on the same boat. Imagine conservatism without them. (shuddering at the thought)

  40. BTW, here’s hoping for Morris’ conservative cruise to meet up with Rosie O’Donnell’s gay cruise. I can’t say I’d pay to see that meeting, but I’d definitely download in on LimeWire.

  41. [re=470385]Dean Booth[/re]: That must’ve been one of the last interviews of William F. Buckley. It’s nice to see that he found a way of rationalizing his movement’s descent into xenophobia and racism by implying that it was due to conservatism’s success. Thus:

    I ask [Buckley] if he feels like a parent whose kids grew up to be serial killers. He smiles slightly, and his blue eyes appear to twinkle. Then he sighs, “The answer is no. Because what animated the conservative core for 40 years was the Soviet menace, plus the rise of dogmatic socialism. That’s pretty well gone.”

    So obviously Reagan and Buckley’s defeat of the communist horde meant that a directionless movement turned to fear and discrimination as some sort of hobby — not simply because those constituted the next layer down in the rotting onion of right-wing reactionary thought. I’ll bet that set Buckley’s thin sliver of a conscience at rest like a scalloped veal heart garnished with gold-leafed truffle on a bed of wild rice and porcini mushrooms. What a misuse of the intellect it is when a horrible person uses it to die with a sense of accomplishment. And suddenly I’m hungry.

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