the new titanic

Join Subhuman Scumbag Dick Morris & Some Wingnuts For a Terrible Holiday Cruise!

Butt plug.Want to make sure next year is awful, too? Then why not book your passage today on the March 2010 NewsMax.com Love Boat! For as little as $1,349 per person, you can share a tiny claustrophobic inside cabin for seven fucking days and nights on some hideous cruise ship, and during the day you will be forced out on the deck to suck Dick Morris’ toes. (Could be worse. You could have “anus duty.”) Some other wingnuts you’ve never heard of, they’ll be hanging around, too! And if you just won the lottery and need to get rid of that cash, quick, go ahead and spend $17,598 for a single veranda suite on this Death Boat. [NewsMax Cruise]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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86 comments

  1. dum librul

    Here’s hoping the Conch Republic captures them for sailing in their waters, declares war, immediately surrenders, and then sues for war damages. Releasing prisoners is optional.

  2. NJB

    If they manage to sell enough tickets, and the boat sinks, the average IQ in the USA will go up 50 points – easy.

  3. depraved indifference engine

    I call anus-duty on Grover Norquist! It would be better then having to see or hear him.

  4. qwerty42

    couldn’t Our Wonkette’s crack blogger team go and live-blog the whole thing? It would be fun! Well, until the team was thrown overboard.

  5. the problem child

    Damn, unlikely to find an iceberg in the Caribbean. Bermuda triangle. I guess that’s our best hope.

  6. An Outhouse

    Let’s all get together and get this for Barry for X-mas or whatever holiday he celebrates. It’ll take his mind off all the pictures of dead Afghanis he’s going to be getting. USA! USA!

  7. JMP

    Ship is going “fabulous ports in Caribbean.” Did creators of ad develop allergy to articles? Or was written by Dinobots?

  8. RoscoePColtraine

    I see there will be two board certified physicians on the cruise. Are they going to give presentations, or is their presence more of a practical nature? Oh, it might be a bit of both. Paging Dr. Mengele.

  9. memzilla

    If there is a G-d, and evolution does its thing, there will be a newer deadlier strain of norovirus evolved by then.

    Psst, food-handling cruise line employees, be sure to s*** on your hands before returning to work. Ken will pay big big $$$ for exclusive cell phone pix of conservatards blearghing their chicken-hawk guts out.

  10. V572625694

    Wow: Grover Norquist, Ralph Reed and “Dick” Morris all afloat at the same time. Let’s all pitch in and buy a black-market torpedo to solve many problems at once.

    Ken: congrats on avoiding the trite and obvious “ship of fools” metaphor which I’m deploying here, you’re welcome.

  11. SmutBoffin

    I don’t know a lot about cruises or nuthin’, but don’t they always end with some kind of disease epidemic? Maybe all those wingnuts will come down with flesh-eating bacteria or something wicked like that.

  12. anothergovtlawyer

    One of the featured onboard activities is to (no joke), “Enjoy coffee and The New York Times.” One wonders if any of the attendees could pass a/the purity test after the cruise.

  13. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    God invented Dick Morris to make Sean Hannity look human.

    And is there anyone more pitiful than Hannity? He finally gets rid of Colmes so that no one can point out the truth on his show, looks forward to finally becoming top dog over at Fox, and yet he is still behind O’Reilly and now Glen Beck. All those years of sucking Gulianni’s and McCain’s balls, and he is still bottom guy on the shit pole.

    But I digress. The only thing good about Dick Morris is that you know what ever he says, the opposite is true.

  14. queeraselvis v 2.0

    The guest speaker lineup looks like a low-budget remake of Gilligan’s Island, with Dick Morris as the Skipper, Eileen Dunn as a 90-year-old-and-Botoxed-to-hell Ginger, and Ralph Reed in the dual role of Gilligan and Mary Ann in bad drag.

  15. RoscoePColtraine

    What varieties of gaming will be available? Bill Bennett will need to know before he books.

  16. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=470180]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Erm. Eileen McCann, you moran. Also, Grover Norquist will do a cameo as the horny female gorilla infatuated with Gillian.

  17. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    I kind of felt sorry for him at one point. The whole ‘falling in love with your prostitute’ thing was kind of pathetic. Then he went back to being a bit of a dick.

  18. Larry McAwful

    The only way they could have gotten Ralph Reed on that boat is for it to be dry. This is painful irony, since there’s no other boat on which you’d more need a drink than this one.

  19. JSDC007

    And for those really special wingnut ladies, Dick Morris will play shuffleboard in a speedo. Ralph Reed will be performing torch songs with the rest of the Holland America cruiseboys.

  20. JMP

    [re=470167]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Look again. One is “one of the foremost practitioners of holistic medicine”; so that makes it one actual physician and one quack.

    Nice to see that the one woman speaker has the shortest biography by far; and it just notes that she’s Dick Morris’ wife and co-wrote some books with him. Presumably, she must also be forgiving for hooker toe-sucking.

  21. progressiveinga

    OMG y’all, RALPH REED will be there too! That vessel will have more criminals and perverts on it than the floating annex at Rikers.

  22. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=470186]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Ha, now you have me thinking of this cruise ship marooning all the maroons and not a single professor among them. However, I’m thinking more Lord of the Flies, less Gilligan’s Island.

  23. gurukalehuru

    Here’s hoping that one of their ports of call is that triangular area around Bermuda. It’s the rapture, baby!!

  24. TheWaltonFirm

    What an incredible prank it would be to give people “free cruise tickets” but not tell them it was the newsmax cruise. They would not know until it was too late.

  25. RoscoePColtraine

    When you scroll down the various cabins/packages, consider the poor, pathetic soul who signs up for the cheap, steerage cabin, because he can’t afford anything else, but really, REALLY wants to be with these people, who he believes are looking after him. It’s nothing but sad.

  26. One Yield Regular

    Talk about depravity. This is a new nadir of human experience. I mean, I can’t even imagine being on a cruise with people I actually like. But to be willingly stuck on a boat with THESE people? That’s masochism of a degree even the Marquis de Sade would have found appalling.

  27. progressiveinga

    [re=470203]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: I think that would be in violation of the 8th Amendment to the Constitution, inflicting cruel & unusual punishment and whatnot.

  28. JMP

    [re=470190]Larry McAwful[/re]: Nah; Ralph Reed’s fine with the drinking on board, at any bar that bribes him properly. Then he’ll just try to shut down any competitors of the bribing bar.

  29. facehead

    The cruise is described as “fully escorted.” Not sure what that means but don’t tell Tiger Woods.

  30. Gopherit

    Is it too much to hope for Tom Delay to sign on as the entertainment director? Dance, twinkletoes! Dance! Dick with massage your sore feet later.

  31. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=470227]facehead[/re]: It’s either something to do with sexytime, or what one might experience on a cruise of the Baltic, before the iron curtain came down. I’m thinking the latter.

  32. GeneralLerong

    Let’s see now…most of the ship’s crew will be from the Phillippines, Latin America, Bulgaria and other parts of Europe, Mumbai…we can only hope they rise to the occasion and do indeed make sure that norovirus and swine flu combine with rough seas to make the decks awash in karma.

  33. Jim89048

    I went on a themed cruise once. There were a few hundred of “us”, and a few hundred quilters (hold me back!) and maybe 500 “booze cruisers” . Your only hope is to partner up with a member of the booze cruise, for unlimited libations. This is an actual thing, and highly recommended.

  34. magic titty

    [re=470149]madtowngooner[/re]: [re=470150]norbizness[/re]: [re=470157]engulfedinflames[/re]: +3. +1 for each of you.

  35. Chickensmack

    [re=470206]One Yield Regular[/re]: You are aware of this thing called CPAC, right? Maybe you’ve heard of The Republican Party Convention? Or perhaps you’ve visited The Family’s house on C Street? Or maybe a church somewhere? Denomination just ain’t important when you have values, Jesus and a three-legged potato-sack race after meetin’ on the line.

  36. thesheriffisnear

    They should also book Ex-Congressman Fred “Gopher” Grady. He can contribute to stimulating political conversation AND serve as ship’s purser. A twofer or some such thing.

  37. WadISay

    If the damn thing sinks, watch the fun!

    *The free market types will want to auction off seats in the life boats.
    *The NRA types will shoot their way onto the lifeboats.
    *The social conservatives will pray for the rapture.

    And they’ll all die, because they’ll all fuck it up.

  38. t_rax

    So are we allowed to say that little boys will be touched on this cruise, or do we have to wait and feign surprise later?

  39. smitallica

    If this boat sinks (Heaven forfend), then Grover “Drown government in a bathtub” Norquist will lay claim to the most ironic death win like ever.

  40. Bearbloke

    [re=470198]gurukalehuru[/re]: The Bermuda Triangle – a three hour cruise, a three hour cruise…

    [re=470160]depraved indifference engine[/re]: I’ll wrestle you for it, mate… I’d love to hate-fuck Norquist, but first I’d have to smash ‘im in the face and collect his blood for lube…

    [re=470250]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Prick Rick will be tied to the mast, and used as the shuffleboard target…

    [re=470270]t_rax[/re]: Boy touching? That’s an optional trip to Limbaugh’s Island…

  41. SayItWithWookies

    Well if this is a cruise to nowhere, they’ve certainly found the right people to lead the way.

  42. PlanetWingnuta

    is it wrong to hope for a ‘posideon adventure’ a ‘perfect storm’, a ‘das boot’ and a’ titantic’

  43. Joey Ratz

    [re=470181]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Haitian pirates, maybe. Actually, this could be a good money-making opportunity for them, as I’m sure a number of voodoo priests would be fascinated by this brand of zombies and pay top dollar for some NewsMax readers or Paultard sheeples.

  44. Downtheroadapiece

    [re=470181]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I say we ensure it. Send them some fuel money and extra rations to get them there and let them have a go at it.

  45. killerstarfish

    A whole boat of wingnuts leaving America for cleaner and more enjoyable Caribbean islands to talk about how great America is.

    Hm.

  46. Dean Booth

    Johnathan Hari’s report on the 2007 cruise is a hoot.

    “The Iraq war has been an amazing success, global warming is just a myth and Guantanamo Bay is practically a holiday camp. The annual cruise organized by the ‘National Review,’ mouthpiece of right-wing America, is a parallel universe populated by straight-talking, gun-toting, God-fearing Republicans.”

    Racism, also.

    http://www.alternet.org/story/57001

  47. trondant

    [re=470257]Katydid[/re]: Nah, they invited Dick Morris because he’s so bloated he can be used as a flotation device. Which will come in handy when they’re torpedeoed by the USS Libtard.

  48. One Yield Regular

    [re=470242]Chickensmack[/re]: Well aware. But combining all that with the usual horrors of a cruise just pushes it into a new realm of awful.

  49. Extemporanus

    [re=470160]depraved indifference engine[/re]: [re=470283]Bearbloke[/re]: Maybe one of you could swab his poop dick while the other “yo ho hos” a bottle of cum.

  50. One Yield Regular

    [re=470242]Chickensmack[/re]: I should add that a friend once showed me a “suggested costumes” list for a “masquerade ball” on one of those cruises. Among the usual suggestions, things like “mermaid,” “pirate,” and “fisherman,” there were also some peculiar ones such as “not wanted on voyage” and “mal de mer.” Now I don’t know how YOU’D feel about seeing Grover Norquist disguised as “mal de mer,” but, just… ICK.

  51. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=470291]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: I like the “Titanic” scenario: Dick Morris spreads his arms at the vessel’s prow saying “I’m flying, Grover” and the whole ship topples over forward.

  52. Bearbloke

    [re=470423]Extemporanus[/re]: If by “swab his poop dick[sic]” and “yo ho hos” you mean giving that vile prat a donkey punch whilst getting a blumkin from him, I’m game mate – [re=470160]depraved indifference engine[/re], how about you?

    BTW, my mates down here who couldn’t afford to do an Overseas lurve it when I introduce these vulgar Americanisms into our otherwise highly-refined Queen’s English convos… however, the ones who did their Overseas are generally appalled…

  53. Rotundo

    Gee the rebubbakins must be feeling pretty safe allowing this much of their brain trust together on the same boat. Imagine conservatism without them. (shuddering at the thought)

  54. Uncle Glenny

    [re=470193]JMP[/re]: So they’ll treat a Norfolk virus outbreak with acupuncture and chamomile?
    That’ll be really good.

  55. NJB

    [re=470250]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Well, Ricky is sort of a buzz kill. He doesn’t approve of the buttsecks.

  56. LowerdPeninsula

    BTW, here’s hoping for Morris’ conservative cruise to meet up with Rosie O’Donnell’s gay cruise. I can’t say I’d pay to see that meeting, but I’d definitely download in on LimeWire.

  57. SayItWithWookies

    [re=470385]Dean Booth[/re]: That must’ve been one of the last interviews of William F. Buckley. It’s nice to see that he found a way of rationalizing his movement’s descent into xenophobia and racism by implying that it was due to conservatism’s success. Thus:

    I ask [Buckley] if he feels like a parent whose kids grew up to be serial killers. He smiles slightly, and his blue eyes appear to twinkle. Then he sighs, “The answer is no. Because what animated the conservative core for 40 years was the Soviet menace, plus the rise of dogmatic socialism. That’s pretty well gone.”

    So obviously Reagan and Buckley’s defeat of the communist horde meant that a directionless movement turned to fear and discrimination as some sort of hobby — not simply because those constituted the next layer down in the rotting onion of right-wing reactionary thought. I’ll bet that set Buckley’s thin sliver of a conscience at rest like a scalloped veal heart garnished with gold-leafed truffle on a bed of wild rice and porcini mushrooms. What a misuse of the intellect it is when a horrible person uses it to die with a sense of accomplishment. And suddenly I’m hungry.

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