ALSO HER NEW FATHER-IN-LAW IS AN EX-CON  10:39 am December 2, 2009

Will Chelsea Clinton Become a Jew, For Marriage?

by Ken Layne

Depends what the meaning of 'is a Jew' is.How far we’ve come, as a nation! Only a few generations ago, Jews were not allowed to be famous politicians, and could not golf with elitists such as Tiger Woods. But now, thanks to racial progress, America may soon perhaps have its first converted-Jewish former first daughter! According to a completely speculative blog post on Tina Brown’s Internet Fad, Chelsea is apparently going to marry a Jewish dude. Will she “convert” to whatever religion Jews have? Does she have a religion to convert from? Nobody knows! But this has never stopped anyone from posting something on the Internet. [Daily Beast]

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imissopus December 2, 2009 at 1:02 pm

A Jew named Chelsea? How meshugana!

ivenson December 2, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Ken, bad news Your post has been stuck in an interdimensional wormhole for an hour and a half.

Also, I think Neilist was planning a coup. I tried to talk him out of it.

thefrontpage December 2, 2009 at 1:03 pm


Arieannaiaia Puffingchest just reported in “The Puffington Host” that Chelsea Clinton is changing her name to Chelsea Sarah Rebekka Clintonbergsteinblum.

gjdodger December 2, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Lemme tell ya, if I was married to Chelsea Clinton, all day long I’d biddy biddy bum.

Mustang December 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Don’t do it! I married a Jewish guy, and I had to drink bad wine and eat overcooked roasts. Also his parents always talked about me in the third person. “Pour Mustang some more wine. She seems to have gulped hers down really fast.”

slavojzizek December 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm

This post is making me nostalgic for a time long ago when we could spend our days making fun of everything Clinton, rather than getting depressed about the direction of the Obama administration.

pub_option December 2, 2009 at 1:05 pm

I think she will change her name from Chelsea to Golders Green.

RoscoePColtraine December 2, 2009 at 1:07 pm

“The conversation… should run deeper, for instance, than whether Marc considers pastrami on white with mayo an abomination before the Lord.”

I know it should be pastrami on rye, and I don’t even live in NYC. Do I get to marry a nice Jewish boy now?

shadowMark December 2, 2009 at 1:07 pm

Religion is all well and good but this is 2009 and a deeper question today is will they let each other go through their phone contact lists and stored calls? That got Tiger skinned.

Crank Tango December 2, 2009 at 1:07 pm

this is the pearl harbor in the war on xmas.

memzilla December 2, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Hmm, Baptist meets Jew. Will she be speaking in tongues, or gefilte fishes?

Maybe some nice matzoh ball and squirrel soup. Eat, eat, you look so thin!

Hopey dont play that game December 2, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Silly Wonkette, there is no such thing as Jews. They are made-up like unicorns and dinosaurs.

SmutBoffin December 2, 2009 at 1:10 pm

OK, so my ex-gf’s best friend went and did this (= converted to Jewdom for marriage). It happens, I guess.

I mean, you lose Christmas (sucks) but get Purim (awesome).

Zadig December 2, 2009 at 1:12 pm

[re=470036]Mustang[/re]: “No, nevermind, she just grabbed the whole bottle. Is something bothering Mustang?”

Scarab December 2, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Shiksa – the best a man can get.

magic titty December 2, 2009 at 1:13 pm

“It’s the other way around.”


RoscoePColtraine December 2, 2009 at 1:14 pm

[re=470036]Mustang[/re]: So, you’re saying that the hell that awaits her for rejecting Christ will be a welcome relief from the living hell that is living with Jewish in-laws?

bfstevie December 2, 2009 at 1:14 pm

Borrowing from Woody Allen:

Be quiet and eat your shiksa.

geminisunmars December 2, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Oy. Converted Jews are such sticklers for dogma. They are worse, even, than converted Catholics. I know from what I speak.

Magnus Maximus December 2, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Aw man, it seems like only yesterday she was getting banged in some dude’s apartment, on 9/11.

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 2, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Oy vey.

Godot December 2, 2009 at 1:16 pm

[re=470051]Scarab[/re]: You go ahead thinking that, by all means. Leave all the hot Jewish babes for us Gentiles.

srsly jewish girls > most

comicbookguy December 2, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Wasn’t this all predicted in that Kirk Cameron “left behind” movie?

DemmeFatale December 2, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Chelsea: Reserve a date now for your childrens’ future Bar/Bat Mitzvah(s). Trust me on this. (Ask your mother-in-law.)

pub_option December 2, 2009 at 1:20 pm

As to her current religion, I thought she was Opportunist, like the rest of her family.

DemmeFatale December 2, 2009 at 1:21 pm

Oh, and you’ll NEVER get over losing Christmas.

(Yes, I’m bitter. Why do you ask?)

V572625694 December 2, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Okay, this is the last one:

Daily Beast:Huffington Post::Dog the Bounty Hunter:Meet the Press

progressiveinga December 2, 2009 at 1:23 pm

As my jewish/mexican gf says, “Oy vey que mas!”

Zadig December 2, 2009 at 1:23 pm

“Will you come off it, Walter? You’re not even fucking Jewish, man.”
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”
“Man, you’re fucking Polish Catholic…”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…”
“And you know this!”
“Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.”
“So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?”
“It’s all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You’re living in the fucking past.”
“Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax… YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I’M LIVING IN THE FUCKING PAST!”

the problem child December 2, 2009 at 1:27 pm

I don’t think she should convert unless he does, too.

TGY December 2, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Chels is nothing to kvetch at.

betterDeadThanRed December 2, 2009 at 1:31 pm

We always celebrated Christmas. That’s the night we went OUT for Chinese food.

Manos: Hands of Fate December 2, 2009 at 1:33 pm

You telling me when Big Bill comes over for dinner, he ain’t going to get his meaty paws over some pork pork by-products.
don’t think so.

snideinplainsight December 2, 2009 at 1:34 pm

Well, nobody’s asking the real question here – is she circumcised?

CaiteeCruelle December 2, 2009 at 1:35 pm

[re=470039]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: He may be in New York now, but he grew up on Philadelphia’s Main Line, so he’s probably a somewhat waspified, definitely privately-schooled, JAP.

There may be some damn dirty hippie influences as well: His mom, before becoming a congressperson, Clinton socialite and spouse of felon was a damn hippie libber, back when “libber” referred to “women’s liberation”. She adopted two Asian girls while single in the 70′s–not common back then. Then she married that Ed person who had a passel of his own kids and started popping out babies, of which Mark was one. (I went to the same high school as Lee Heh, the older daughter, and I remember one of her classmates saying in disgust: “Lee Heh’s mom is pregnant again.)

During the Zoe Baird nannygate bruhaha, Congresscritter Mezvinsky disclosed that she was letting a Canadian male stay at their house while he got his head together, and he was helping out with the kids. Not much was made of it at the time, but now someone would be screaming “FREESEXCOMMUNE DRUGS TERRIZM AAAAAAAAHHHHH”.

All of this happened four blocks from my house, too. Be sensitive!

SayItWithWookies December 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

[re=470057]geminisunmars[/re]: I’d think they would be pretty freewheeling — I mean, all those rules are Old Covenant, so they don’t apply anymore. Oh, whoops.

Next Great Pwndit December 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

That lucky fellow has ironed his last shirt.

lawrenceofthedesert December 2, 2009 at 1:41 pm

[re=470036]Mustang[/re]: Oy, woman, they actually referred to you by your given name!?! My Gentile ex-wife remained “Dollface” to my Jewish aunts ad infinitum, and at our wedding they talked about BOTH of us in the third person. Were your inlaws Reform? (Usually the wine improves when they are, but then you get stuck with some really awful synagogue music.) Karma always prevails — when I hooked up with an Italian the next time around, I became “the guy” to Grandma, who was from Calabria and had trouble with “Larry.”

geminisunmars December 2, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Well, we celebrate everything: Chanukah, Xmess, eids, Thanksgiving, Qwanza, snow days – oh, wait, that’s right. We’re Unitarians now.

onemoresexylibrarian December 2, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I married a Jewish guy and every holiday there was a platter of bagels and one of them was cinnamon raisin – for me, the shiksa, even though I didn’t ask for one.

chascates December 2, 2009 at 1:46 pm

It’s still OK to eat pork if the rabbi kills the pig right?

Crank Tango December 2, 2009 at 1:52 pm

[re=470076]Zadig[/re]: this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass

DemmeFatale December 2, 2009 at 1:52 pm

[re=470110]onemoresexylibrarian[/re]: And bagels are SOOOO overrated.

proudgrampa December 2, 2009 at 1:53 pm

[re=470113]chascates[/re]: A ham sandwich sounds good, right about now.

iwillsavethispatient December 2, 2009 at 1:55 pm

I’m pretty sure Hillary didn’t break that glass ceiling into all those millions of pieces so her daughter could go and convert to her fiancé’s religion for their wedding.

They should have a nice atheist wedding like I had – 5 minute ceremony followed by party with lots of booze!

PsycGirl December 2, 2009 at 1:56 pm

I used to be sad that my Jewish husband’s parents died before I met him. Not so much right now.

the problem child December 2, 2009 at 1:59 pm

[re=470122]DemmeFatale[/re]: Not Montreal bagels. They are really amazingly good. But the others? Buns with holes in them, I agree.

Dreadful Gate December 2, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=470141]the problem child[/re]: Props on Montreal bagels! The best! Montreal smoked meat, also

thefrontpage December 2, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Geez gawd, there aren’t enough stereotypes in this stream.

One thing, though: It’s estimated that anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the world’s Jews do NOT keep kosher. That is: Most Jews do NOT keep kosher. Hell, most Jews don’t even know what it is. The irritating kosher stereotype is one that doesn’t seem to go away. Most of the world’s Jews happily eat pork, bacon, lamb chops, seafood, more pork, more bacon, ham, and anything else that’s supposedly not “kosher.” It’s generally Orthodox Jews–a very small percentage of Jews–and a few other Conservative types who stay kosher, But many of us even know so-called “conservatives” who are not kosher at all–and they happily eat pork, bacon and ham. So the “kosher” stereotype should be debunked.

maven December 2, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Well, she is a lawyer, so she’s already kind of almost Jewish, and she does love her mother… But if she was really really Jewish, she’d be marrying a doctor!

bago December 2, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=470036]Mustang[/re]: Snarky Reply: That’s ok, I can still see straight and speak in the first-person.

Guy Fawkesy December 2, 2009 at 2:28 pm

He could always convert for her? Po-landers for Jesus?

Terry December 2, 2009 at 2:48 pm


My favorite Jewish deli here in the Maryland suburbs of DC serves a delicious eggs benedict with a crab cake between the egg and the ham/Canadian bacon. Each time I order that, I think someone’s ancestor must be rolling.

thesheriffisnear December 2, 2009 at 3:08 pm

It’ll NEVER work. Hasn’t she seen “Bridget Loves Bernie?”

Hooray For Anything December 2, 2009 at 3:18 pm

What I’m wondering is if Bill is going to the bachelor party. You know he wants to.

Paul Tardy December 2, 2009 at 3:25 pm

So will the happy couple be AIPAC or J Street? Or both why not?

I vaguely remember her father fancying a Jew, seems so long ago, I think we were bombing Suburbia at the time. Why were we bombing Suburbia? I forget. Sadly that war fizzled out.

DemmeFatale December 2, 2009 at 3:39 pm

[re=470141]the problem child[/re]: [re=470154]Dreadful Gate[/re]: OMG yes!! Montreal bagels and smoke meat. (Not to mention REAL pea-meal bacon.) MMmmmm…

BTW: Keeping kosher and abstaining from pork are NOT the same thing. My father-in-law, (a Reform Cantor and Rabbi), cannot eat it, or smell it. None of my relatives keep kosher, but few can stomach pork. The older people do not “happily” munch away on bacon. (Must have something to do with the way they were raised.)
And since when is lamb not kosher?

chascates December 2, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=470141]the problem child[/re], [re=470154]Dreadful Gate[/re]: Is poutine kashrut or merely gross?

KilgoreTrout_XL December 2, 2009 at 4:32 pm

[re=470042]Crank Tango[/re]: :D

Chelsea’s looking damned good in that pic.

KilgoreTrout_XL December 2, 2009 at 4:37 pm

[re=470386]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: Dammit, the lame-as-shit smiley face was to yer 1st post.

thefrontpage December 2, 2009 at 4:48 pm

[re=470229]Terry[/re]: That sounds awesome! Gawd! Where is that served? That’s all good comfort food rolled into one.

Jim89048 December 2, 2009 at 5:05 pm

[re=470386]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: Yes. and since everyone else must still be shell-shocked from last night’s war on war or whatever, I’d hit that.

Extemporanus December 2, 2009 at 5:14 pm

I hope they get Andrew Sullivan’s blessing before performing the bris.

ShiningMathPath December 2, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=470301]DemmeFatale[/re]: agreed re the generational practice of abstaining even if not keeping kosher, with exception made only in the alternate universe of the Chinese Restaurant: mu shu pork, lobster cantonese, and sweet and sour shrimp, …yum yum.

[re=470087]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: yes! (see above)

the problem child December 2, 2009 at 6:06 pm

[re=470323]chascates[/re]: There are places that use mushroom gravy that would probably qualify, but there is no maker of rennet-free cheese curd, as far as I know, so you wouldn’t be getting the real thing anyway.

the problem child December 2, 2009 at 6:09 pm

[re=470323]chascates[/re]: And really great tasting if you are drunk.

schvitzatura December 2, 2009 at 8:24 pm

[re=470035]gjdodger[/re]: That’s true, Billy Jeff, but even a poor investment banker at Goldman Sachs is entitled to some happiness!

Oy vey, what a schande!

zhubajie December 3, 2009 at 4:41 pm

Just to annoy everyone, Chelsea, choose a judaeo-arabic name, like Hardoon or Sassoon!

guangho January 22, 2010 at 8:29 am

This thread will be instructive during the Jewish-Jamaican dinner I am dreading.

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