Will Chelsea Clinton Become a Jew, For Marriage?

  also her new father-in-law is an ex-con

Depends what the meaning of 'is a Jew' is.How far we’ve come, as a nation! Only a few generations ago, Jews were not allowed to be famous politicians, and could not golf with elitists such as Tiger Woods. But now, thanks to racial progress, America may soon perhaps have its first converted-Jewish former first daughter! According to a completely speculative blog post on Tina Brown’s Internet Fad, Chelsea is apparently going to marry a Jewish dude. Will she “convert” to whatever religion Jews have? Does she have a religion to convert from? Nobody knows! But this has never stopped anyone from posting something on the Internet. [Daily Beast]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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69 comments

  1. ivenson

    Ken, bad news Your post has been stuck in an interdimensional wormhole for an hour and a half.

    Also, I think Neilist was planning a coup. I tried to talk him out of it.

  2. thefrontpage

    NEWS FLASH:

    Arieannaiaia Puffingchest just reported in “The Puffington Host” that Chelsea Clinton is changing her name to Chelsea Sarah Rebekka Clintonbergsteinblum.

  3. Mustang

    Don’t do it! I married a Jewish guy, and I had to drink bad wine and eat overcooked roasts. Also his parents always talked about me in the third person. “Pour Mustang some more wine. She seems to have gulped hers down really fast.”

  4. slavojzizek

    This post is making me nostalgic for a time long ago when we could spend our days making fun of everything Clinton, rather than getting depressed about the direction of the Obama administration.

  5. RoscoePColtraine

    “The conversation… should run deeper, for instance, than whether Marc considers pastrami on white with mayo an abomination before the Lord.”

    I know it should be pastrami on rye, and I don’t even live in NYC. Do I get to marry a nice Jewish boy now?

  6. shadowMark

    Religion is all well and good but this is 2009 and a deeper question today is will they let each other go through their phone contact lists and stored calls? That got Tiger skinned.

  7. memzilla

    Hmm, Baptist meets Jew. Will she be speaking in tongues, or gefilte fishes?

    Maybe some nice matzoh ball and squirrel soup. Eat, eat, you look so thin!

  8. Hopey dont play that game

    Silly Wonkette, there is no such thing as Jews. They are made-up like unicorns and dinosaurs.

  9. SmutBoffin

    OK, so my ex-gf’s best friend went and did this (= converted to Jewdom for marriage). It happens, I guess.

    I mean, you lose Christmas (sucks) but get Purim (awesome).

  10. Zadig

    [re=470036]Mustang[/re]: “No, nevermind, she just grabbed the whole bottle. Is something bothering Mustang?”

  11. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=470036]Mustang[/re]: So, you’re saying that the hell that awaits her for rejecting Christ will be a welcome relief from the living hell that is living with Jewish in-laws?

  12. geminisunmars

    Oy. Converted Jews are such sticklers for dogma. They are worse, even, than converted Catholics. I know from what I speak.

  13. Magnus Maximus

    Aw man, it seems like only yesterday she was getting banged in some dude’s apartment, on 9/11.

  14. Godot

    [re=470051]Scarab[/re]: You go ahead thinking that, by all means. Leave all the hot Jewish babes for us Gentiles.

    srsly jewish girls > most

  15. DemmeFatale

    Chelsea: Reserve a date now for your childrens’ future Bar/Bat Mitzvah(s). Trust me on this. (Ask your mother-in-law.)

  16. Zadig

    “Will you come off it, Walter? You’re not even fucking Jewish, man.”
    “What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”
    “Man, you’re fucking Polish Catholic…”
    “What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!”
    “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…”
    “And you know this!”
    “Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.”
    “So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?”
    “It’s all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You’re living in the fucking past.”
    “Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax… YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I’M LIVING IN THE FUCKING PAST!”

  17. Manos: Hands of Fate

    You telling me when Big Bill comes over for dinner, he ain’t going to get his meaty paws over some pork pork by-products.
    don’t think so.

  18. CaiteeCruelle

    [re=470039]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: He may be in New York now, but he grew up on Philadelphia’s Main Line, so he’s probably a somewhat waspified, definitely privately-schooled, JAP.

    There may be some damn dirty hippie influences as well: His mom, before becoming a congressperson, Clinton socialite and spouse of felon was a damn hippie libber, back when “libber” referred to “women’s liberation”. She adopted two Asian girls while single in the 70′s–not common back then. Then she married that Ed person who had a passel of his own kids and started popping out babies, of which Mark was one. (I went to the same high school as Lee Heh, the older daughter, and I remember one of her classmates saying in disgust: “Lee Heh’s mom is pregnant again.)

    During the Zoe Baird nannygate bruhaha, Congresscritter Mezvinsky disclosed that she was letting a Canadian male stay at their house while he got his head together, and he was helping out with the kids. Not much was made of it at the time, but now someone would be screaming “FREESEXCOMMUNE DRUGS TERRIZM AAAAAAAAHHHHH”.

    All of this happened four blocks from my house, too. Be sensitive!

  19. SayItWithWookies

    [re=470057]geminisunmars[/re]: I’d think they would be pretty freewheeling — I mean, all those rules are Old Covenant, so they don’t apply anymore. Oh, whoops.

  20. lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=470036]Mustang[/re]: Oy, woman, they actually referred to you by your given name!?! My Gentile ex-wife remained “Dollface” to my Jewish aunts ad infinitum, and at our wedding they talked about BOTH of us in the third person. Were your inlaws Reform? (Usually the wine improves when they are, but then you get stuck with some really awful synagogue music.) Karma always prevails — when I hooked up with an Italian the next time around, I became “the guy” to Grandma, who was from Calabria and had trouble with “Larry.”

  21. geminisunmars

    Well, we celebrate everything: Chanukah, Xmess, eids, Thanksgiving, Qwanza, snow days – oh, wait, that’s right. We’re Unitarians now.

  22. onemoresexylibrarian

    I married a Jewish guy and every holiday there was a platter of bagels and one of them was cinnamon raisin – for me, the shiksa, even though I didn’t ask for one.

  23. iwillsavethispatient

    I’m pretty sure Hillary didn’t break that glass ceiling into all those millions of pieces so her daughter could go and convert to her fiancé’s religion for their wedding.

    They should have a nice atheist wedding like I had – 5 minute ceremony followed by party with lots of booze!

  24. PsycGirl

    I used to be sad that my Jewish husband’s parents died before I met him. Not so much right now.

  25. the problem child

    [re=470122]DemmeFatale[/re]: Not Montreal bagels. They are really amazingly good. But the others? Buns with holes in them, I agree.

  26. Dreadful Gate

    [re=470141]the problem child[/re]: Props on Montreal bagels! The best! Montreal smoked meat, also

  27. thefrontpage

    Geez gawd, there aren’t enough stereotypes in this stream.

    One thing, though: It’s estimated that anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the world’s Jews do NOT keep kosher. That is: Most Jews do NOT keep kosher. Hell, most Jews don’t even know what it is. The irritating kosher stereotype is one that doesn’t seem to go away. Most of the world’s Jews happily eat pork, bacon, lamb chops, seafood, more pork, more bacon, ham, and anything else that’s supposedly not “kosher.” It’s generally Orthodox Jews–a very small percentage of Jews–and a few other Conservative types who stay kosher, But many of us even know so-called “conservatives” who are not kosher at all–and they happily eat pork, bacon and ham. So the “kosher” stereotype should be debunked.

  28. maven

    Well, she is a lawyer, so she’s already kind of almost Jewish, and she does love her mother… But if she was really really Jewish, she’d be marrying a doctor!

  29. bago

    [re=470036]Mustang[/re]: Snarky Reply: That’s ok, I can still see straight and speak in the first-person.

  30. Terry

    [re=470164]thefrontpage[/re]:

    My favorite Jewish deli here in the Maryland suburbs of DC serves a delicious eggs benedict with a crab cake between the egg and the ham/Canadian bacon. Each time I order that, I think someone’s ancestor must be rolling.

  31. Paul Tardy

    So will the happy couple be AIPAC or J Street? Or both why not?

    I vaguely remember her father fancying a Jew, seems so long ago, I think we were bombing Suburbia at the time. Why were we bombing Suburbia? I forget. Sadly that war fizzled out.

  32. DemmeFatale

    [re=470141]the problem child[/re]: [re=470154]Dreadful Gate[/re]: OMG yes!! Montreal bagels and smoke meat. (Not to mention REAL pea-meal bacon.) MMmmmm…

    BTW: Keeping kosher and abstaining from pork are NOT the same thing. My father-in-law, (a Reform Cantor and Rabbi), cannot eat it, or smell it. None of my relatives keep kosher, but few can stomach pork. The older people do not “happily” munch away on bacon. (Must have something to do with the way they were raised.)
    And since when is lamb not kosher?

  33. chascates

    [re=470141]the problem child[/re], [re=470154]Dreadful Gate[/re]: Is poutine kashrut or merely gross?

  34. KilgoreTrout_XL

    [re=470386]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: Dammit, the lame-as-shit smiley face was to yer 1st post.

  35. thefrontpage

    [re=470229]Terry[/re]: That sounds awesome! Gawd! Where is that served? That’s all good comfort food rolled into one.

  36. Jim89048

    [re=470386]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: Yes. and since everyone else must still be shell-shocked from last night’s war on war or whatever, I’d hit that.

  37. ShiningMathPath

    [re=470301]DemmeFatale[/re]: agreed re the generational practice of abstaining even if not keeping kosher, with exception made only in the alternate universe of the Chinese Restaurant: mu shu pork, lobster cantonese, and sweet and sour shrimp, …yum yum.

    [re=470087]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: yes! (see above)

  38. the problem child

    [re=470323]chascates[/re]: There are places that use mushroom gravy that would probably qualify, but there is no maker of rennet-free cheese curd, as far as I know, so you wouldn’t be getting the real thing anyway.

  39. schvitzatura

    [re=470035]gjdodger[/re]: That’s true, Billy Jeff, but even a poor investment banker at Goldman Sachs is entitled to some happiness!

    Oy vey, what a schande!

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