WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube]
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{ 143 comments }
This country would probably be a better place if we shipped all Walmart shoppers off to some distant land, with guns.
Respect mah humanitai!
I wish all Walmarts were actually cleverly disguised spacecraft that were headed for the Oort Cloud, never to return.
America. Fuck yeah!
First there was the sacking of Rome. Then, the British Empire had its Suez moment. And as for us Americans, our symbol of decline is typified by sweatpant clad suburbanites waddling through the doors of Walmart at 4 a.m. in order to fight over plasma TVs and microwaves.
Let the eagle soar!
We need Wal-Mart to run an ad saying that their selling $50 plasma TV’s in Afghanistan. Then, as the shoppers arrive at the Kabul airport, give them the address of a Taiban stronghold and say that the tv’s are there.
The war on Christmas indeed. They were probably fighting over Freedom Trays. I hate real ‘Murica.
[re=469868]norbizness[/re]: we could probably use this method to get it done. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUPgqqIuno0
I regularly forget that America, as a country and as a society, has failed. Thank you for reminding me of how it really is.
These are the same people that voted Hopey into office / screech at town-hall meetings!
[re=469868]norbizness[/re]: Or maybe Soylent Green production facilities…
Babylon is Burning.
[re=469876]plowman[/re]: These are the same people that voted Hopey into office / screech at town-hall meetings!
huh? does not compute.
It’s hard to believe that the heathens and dirt-worshipers want to destroy this beautiful sacred holiday.
Motel, money, murder, madness
Sold out of Christmas tree lights
Glad to sadness
[re=469876]plowman[/re]: Do you know how much trans-fat there would be in that batch of S.G.? Grody!
Well, Rock Band 2 is a really good game.
And Walmart had a PLAN this year, so stuff like this wouldn’t happen. These troops will fit right into Obama’s effort in Afghanistan.
Can someone remind me again WHY we have to win the war on Christmas?
[re=469879]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: one or the other, as in everyone
[re=469883]norbizness[/re]: You render the blubber and then make bio-diesel…
No, goddammit, that’s my overpriced chunk of plastic that I’ll need to replace by next Christmas!
Wal-Mart shopping is the new gladiatorial arena. Imagine how awesome this could have been with spears, weighted nets and lions.
Baby Jeebus would be so proud.
Silent blight
Holy blight
All is bomb
All’s not bright
“Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about US America not wanting a bargain, wanting to stay out of the Wal Mart, is a lot of horse shit. US Americuns traditionally love a bargain. All real US Americuns love the sting of a taser during a sale. When you were kids, you all admired the laziest couch potato, the fattest eater, the biggest ignoranus and the New Years Day specials. US Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. US Americuns play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a fuck for a man who lost out on $3 DVD and laughed. That’s why US Americuns have never lost a bargain, and will never lose a Wal Mart… because the very thought of pay full price is hateful to US Americuns. ”
Thirty years from now, when you’re sitting around on your Rascal with your lazy fat grandskid on your arthritic knee while hoping he doesn’t cut off your oxygen tube and he asks you, “What did you do in the great Black Friday of 09,” you won’t have to say, “Well… I bought shit from Target.”
[re=469886]Alexander the Large[/re]: That’s the beautiful thing about the War on Christmas. Even if we lose, we win!
Douchebags, the lot of them. Kill ‘em all and let [name of applicable diety here] sort ‘em out.
Ironically enough, Planned Parenthood, if there WAS an “abortion coverage ban,” these “people” probably wouldn’t have been around to trample each other at Wal*Mart. Because they would have been aborted, by death panels.
Whoa…and I thought the big Campbell Brown ad was annoying…
Um, are you sure that this is from 2009? Those patriotic americans are fighting over “rock band” which has been out for kind of a while. Like three years or something. People are bashing kids out of the way to buy a 3 year-old video game. Nice.
[re=469898]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: People ringing bells outside Walgreens everyday and now pink and black shouting all over teh Wonkett. Cthulhu, come for us. Now. Please.
The best part was the hillbilly shouting “I got it, I got it”. My heart just filled up with good ole Merikan pride!
Happy holidays from “God’s Country.”
When two tribes go to war …
[re=469870]Egregious[/re]: Let the eagle soar!
I can never get enough of that. Thanks, I was cying before, (for muh country), and the memory of that now has me hysterical….let the eeeeeeaagle sooooaarr!
Hey! Give ‘em a break!It takes a lot of plastic junk and TVs to fill an empty soul.
This is why I do all my shopping at the Mega Lo Mart!
I just had a seizure. Thanks wonkette
Thank goodness Costco shoppers are much more tasteful and discreet as they pile six-packs of liter-size (so sophisticated!) extra-virgin olive oil onto their shopping barges.
Whoa. I appreciate the sentiment behind the “Pass health care reform” ad now on the back of the page but good god, the pink, black and white are giving me seizures every time I scroll down the page. My eyes feel like they’re jumping out of my head in a suicide pact. Can we at least take out the pink or something?
THE ABORTIONISTS HAVE TAKEN OVER WONKETTE. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, BABY WONKETTE FETUSES
Jesus Christ, when did our Wonkette become a French hooker?
Or did I only just now notice…
You know, this Walmart-shopper blubber to biodiesel idea might work: 300,000,000 Americans, 200,000,000 of ‘em 20 lbs fat on average (I’m being conservative), that’s 4,000,000,000 lbs. of fat, figure 20oz rendered oil per lb. of fat, that’s 62,500,000 gallons of potential biodiesel grotesquely jiggling, hanging and rolling up and down Walmart aisles!!! Now, my math may be off but this has potential.
MY GOD what hath McCartney wrought?
Oh, and the pink. It burns. Also.
[re=469898]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: The color scheme of these ads reminds me of a pair of Vans I had back in High School (I’m trying to be optimistic today)
[re=469883]norbizness[/re]: Grody! Ah, it is 1982 again, in my mind, just that one word summons back a remembrance of things past; it is my madeline, I suppose. And “Let the Eagle Soar,” when I was but 2 score and two, so young then, so appalled at this insane AG playing his boombox to the justice department employees.
They’re fighting over statuettes of The Bhudda?
They were having a sale on Bibles and creches at our local Wal-Mart. The blood! The mayhem!
WalMart is where the 146,000 Christians died last year, being trampled for roll-back priced crap. Know hope.
god bless america….indeed!
[re=469920]plowman[/re]: Drill, baby, drill!
Wal-Mart parking lot?
Close your eyes and just listen to that video. It could easily be any given half minute of 28 Days Later.
I guess the important thing here is whether the store employees wished them “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Eid” as they rendered first aid.
Haha! Someone knocked that kid down getting useless crap to celebrate baby jesus being born. The US is one giant irony factory.
[re=469920]plowman[/re]: You are not taking into account the energy costs of transporting and rendering that fat.
That tiny woman literally scampered out of that furpile. My day has been made.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like giving a black eye and a head wound to a child. If they were really moved by the spirit of the season, they would have kicked the little bastard in the nuts for good measure.
War?
Send ‘em off to fuckin’ gitmo.
this shit makes my heart hurt
The real crime is that I did not hear one store clerk say “Merry Christmas” to them. Not one. No wonder they were so mad.
What a bunch of psycho moron idiots.
You know what a bunch of us did on Friday, Nov. 27th? We slept in late, made some drinks, gathered some comfort food and snacks, and stayed home and watched James Bond movies and “Seinfeld” reruns, including some of the series’ most classic episodes.
That was best day that many of us have had in months.
America indeed is a Christian Nation.
[re=469941]PrairiePossum[/re]: Hurting others to get what you want. It’s the “Reason for the Season (TM)!”
[re=469941]PrairiePossum[/re]: Nothing says Merry Christmas like giving a black eye and a head wound to a child.
Hey, who put King Herod in charge of our Christmas?
America. What a country.
What is the terrible odor I smell in wall-mart?
[re=469950]proudgrampa[/re]: In Russia, video game assaults you!
[re=469946]thefrontpage[/re]: Amen to sleeping in and James Bond marathons and drinking. And football. Also.
[re=469927]WadISay[/re]: Big sale on TruckNutz.
Could you imagine how wild this country would get if some serious shit went down, like a food shortage.
Tehran never looked so good.
[re=469956]bitchincamaro[/re]: I think those were Rock Band NutZ!
I went shopping on Black Friday. My family and I were the only customers in the place at 3pm. But that’s how it is at the local new-and-used-piano warehouse.
[re=469957]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Imagine if there were a fast-food shortage? It has happened, 2 years ago, I believe, there were reports in the nooze about Popeyes Chicken, a fried chicken franchise, advertising a special, but never having enough chicken and having to close early on the days the special ran. Oh my. People were quite upset at the chicken shortage, thats all I’m gonna say.
Pampalona has the annual “Running of the Bulls”, America has the annual “Waddling of the Tards”.
[re=469963]Prommie[/re]: I remember that one. It’s like they couldn’t even go down the street to KFC to get a meal. Jesus, we are so freakin’ doomed.
WAKE UP SHEEPIE WHERE IS YOUR NOOBAMA TAKING THE CUNT TREE WHEN THE MY LITTLE PONY HAPPY RAINBOW HOUSE UNITS ARE INSUFFICIENTLY PROVIDED FOR THE ILLEGALS COME IN AND THROW THEIR WEIGHT AROUND UNTIL EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE AZZ IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FRUM YOUR SSAVIOR ,?
I know you depend on advertising, Wonkette. And I totally support Planned Parenthood. But that black and white and pink ad is really irritating. I’m just sayin’.
[re=469931]Jim89048[/re]: I am semi-literate but did not know this word ‘collop’. What an excellent thing to have learned! Thank you.
[re=469957]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I was just thinking about that this week — I got my hands on a stack of vintage, 1940s WWII-era magazines and just reading through the everyday articles about how to remake your wardrobe so it lasts through the winter or 5 meals to make with low-point rationed meat or proper canning technique from your Victory Garden made me severely fear for what we have become as a culture…
[re=469970]proudgrampa[/re]: Reminds me of those Good ‘n’ Plenty candy boxes. Ha, I said boxes.
Why is Planned Parenthood preaching to the choir? And why is it doing so in such a very, very loud pink?
Suddenly that pig AIDS thing doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.
So if you’re using IE8 in quirks mode you can shove them off of the frame by doing a window-resize. Just Sayin.
[re=469974]bitchincamaro[/re]: Pepto Bismal. Ha, i said Bismal and prolly didn’t even spell it right.
Folks:
Hit http://www.mozilla.com/firefox/ then https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/1865
Say goodbye to SHOUTING ADS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love all yas too much to hear you cry…but I can’t help with Obama’s Bombin’
[re=469983]MGBYG[/re]: Been w/Firefox forever, with ABP in place. This one gets through, but it’s OK–only 2nd time evar–and both times were good causes.
[re=469972]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: These asshats would have bitched and moaned their way through the WWII homefront, talking about how un-American rationing is. If that war happened today we’d get our asses handed to us.
Then again, Germans are pussies now, too, so…
[re=469983]MGBYG[/re]: Everytime you block an ad the author of a crappy adventure novel about Atlantis cries.
Good use of money for an ad on website that probably gets most of its readers in New York and California, Planned Parenthood. I better call Chuck Schumer and Kristen Gillibrand or else they’ll support this abortion restriction!
Walmart + Zhu Zhu Pets = tiananmen square massacre
AND YET BOWBAMA IS ON TEH COVER OF GOLF DIGEST. DOES HIS THUGGISH SWAGGER HAVE NO END?
As long as Wonkette can get people to pay them to run crappy and annoying ads they get to keep amusing me. Stop yer damn whining folks.
Americans, defenders of the free world.
This post went up 8:49am. It’s now 12:09. WTF? Ken? Juli? Jim?
WTF?? Nothing since 8:49 this morning? Is everyone over there too weirded out by the pink and black monster too?
[re=469998]slavojzizek[/re]:
They’re at Wal-Mart beating the shit out of kid so they can save 5 bucks on a Wii.
I think teh Muslins stormed into Wonkette World Headquarters and are holding our dear editors hostage.
[re=469998]slavojzizek[/re]: Maybe they died in a human stampede at an off-ramp pornography superstore advertising $4 DVDs of anything from the “Big Butt Sluts” series.
[re=469998]slavojzizek[/re]: RILEY, The Wagga-Man!?
They may take our lives, but they will never take OUR FREEDOM TRAYS!
They’d never act this way at a Bass Pro Shop, unless it was a special on jail bait.
Even if you don’t live in a trailer park before you go to Wal-Mart, you’ll look like it once you go in.
I think it’s the lights.
[re=470001]AggieDemocrat[/re]: No, I think THEY shut down the Wonkette server just as Ken was going to clarify to us why that 9-11 truth stuff is all true.
Does anyone else think we should pass health care reform and stop the abortion coverage ban? Because that’s the vibe I’m getting here…
Maybe divine punishment for running that banner was retroactive abortion.
And nobody said Merry Christmas. Last time I shop there!
Who spilled Pepto Bismol all over my Wonkette?
[re=470007]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: I had to go to Walmart a couple of weeks ago to find these face scrubbie things that my boyfriend’s mother cannot procure where she lives (not in the US). Walmart was the ONLY place that carried them in the entire state, and it was only one Walmart store, too. We avoided looking at each other the entire time, since sexual desirability decreases approximately 600% with every minute spent inside a Walmart.
In other news, Meredith Baxter is a lesbian. I can’t decide how I feel about that.
america. what a cuntry.
Where did everybody go? There’s an unsettled “teacher’s not here” vibe. I propose:
Ken = died in a duel with a fast-food mascot
Jim = ran off with a circus bear
Juli = I dunno, grad school?
Riley = now works as a butler for an American family a la Mr. Belvedere
Sara = taking care of a baby, duh
[re=470019]SmutBoffin[/re]: FYI, Meghan hasn’t twittered for 13 hours. They’re probably ALL off somewhere in a tent having sex with elves. That’s okay. Sooner or later a video will leak.
[re=469972]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]:
Spoiled assholes. Along the way, folks interpreted freedumb as not having to sacrifice. Ask someone to use less gas or turn down the thermostat and you become the asshole.
I know one person who participated in this madness. She had agressive chemotherapy all summer and last week was in bed with hospital-diagnosed swine flu. Still, she was in Target at 4 a.m. I honestly think this qualifies as some kind of addiction.
[re=469998]slavojzizek[/re]: Slightly O/T, but when does Sara K Smith return? Take Your Child to Work Day?
WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY?
Indeed… a Shopocalypse!
http://wwjbmovie.com/
Have we, like Viggo Mortenson, been left to wander a desolate pink landscape, blasted and bereft of all life? Will we have to resort to cannibalism to survive?
Jeebus, if this is really the Wonk-pocalypse, will Neilist and his well-stocked armory just take over by force?
I, for one, welcome our new heavily armed, gun-toting overlord. I’ve always liked you, Neilist.
[re=470016]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Losing Meredith to the other team this late in life does not make my naughty bits as sad as it would have 30 years ago.
Y’all DO know about this site, right? (she sez reappropriating her long lost southern twang)
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
[re=469998]slavojzizek[/re]: Maybe Ken and Jim are trying to fit into Juli’s theological box.
[re=470016]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Not really surprised about Meredith Baxter-Birney-Baxter-Locke. Besides, I’m still holding off my fapping until Matthew Broderick finally dumps Sarah Jessica and makes a beeline for
Adam LambertClay AikenNeal Patrick Harris. Hubba![re=469931]Jim89048[/re]: OH shit, you do. Never mind, I’m leaving. Pink giving me headache.
[re=469972]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: Well, let’s be fair, now. I know we have Gitmo and such, but at least today we don’t grab literally every member of an ethnic minority and send them off to fucking (not death) camps. And this ridiculous consumerism isn’t even remotely new, we’ve had “keeping up with the Joneses” for the entire last century. It just now turned violent, is all. The brawl we see here is less of a decline and more of a RESULT of the soulless Cleaver-villes idealized back then.
Those magazines you were looking at were propoganda, plain and simple, and these days we use it as the narrative for our nostalgia fapfiction.
[re=470040]yargisbargis[/re]: Yes, I am aware of most internet traditions.
Men had football, basketball, boxing, soccer, wrestling and other contact sports to themselves until recently. Women needed one, so they chose shopping. It’s the real national pastime, far more popular than baseball. Walmart is the minor league park in every town, where youthful shoppers can learn the ropes and aspire to the distant Super Bowl of shopping: Sotheby’s. At the highest level of the sport, contact is minimal and subtle, but this is a video from the bush leagues.
[re=469957]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Read “The Road” (Cormac McCarthy) or see the movie.
[re=469963]Prommie[/re]: “No chicken, or just out of chicken?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pyW6w5B7Aw
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read the comments to the video.
On one positive note, one of these poor bastards found Num Nums Zhu Zhu pet shoved up her fat ass (hey, they’re $200 on Amazon right now).
[re=470033]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Doesn’t Neil already have an age appropriate lover?
The fucking pigeons fighting over breadcrumbs in the park treat each other with more regard than this bunch.
[re=469893]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
This day is call’d the Blackest Friday.
He that outlives this day, and drives safe home,
Will raise a hoot when this day is nam’d,
And rouse him at the name of Christmas.
He that shall live this day, and die later of diabetic complications,
Will yearly on the vigil order pizza,
Then will he open his garage and show his boxes,
And say ‘This crap I bought on Black Friday.’
Meth heads forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What deals he got that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Donny Lou Ray, Elrod and Billy Joe,
Ashley and Ricky, Roscoe and Chardonnay-
Be in their Big Gulps freshly rememb’red.
This YouTube shall the good man show his son;
And Friday Black shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the triumph of the Chinese,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that swipes his card with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And sissy-men with mullets now-a-bed
Shall drink themselves accurs’d domestic beer,
And hold their manhoods cheap
whiles any speaks
That bought with us
upon this Black Friday.
[re=469983]MGBYG[/re]: Embrace the ads. They keep Wonkett free.
[re=470043]Zadig[/re]: Please don’t misunderstand me — I am not on some BS things-were-so-much-better-then nostalgia head-trip. I am more concerned about a generation that believes that leftovers should be thrown out, that it’s ok pay a tailor $12 to replace a button, and that it’s your God-given right to have a jumbo plasma TV, no matter whom you run over in the process…
[re=470177]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: I agree, but, uh, shouldn’t those be CONSERVATIVE values?
[re=469977]the problem child[/re]: stupak
[re=470112]natoslug[/re]: Appreciate the idea, and I don’t mind visual clutter, but the animation ad load today completely kills my desktop performance, so I’m reading much less than usual. Can’t do the back-and-forth that is my usual pattern.
On the plus side for the rest of you, I’m posting less than usual.
[re=470177]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: Oh yeah, I got that. I’m just saying (and got distracted) that this sort of idiot consumerism has been around for a shit-ton longer than a generation. The only difference is that now we literally fucking trample and murder people over it. Which is, of course, pretty nighmarishly horrifying, but it’s been coming for a while. There’s a pretty direct line you can draw from “A chicken in every pot, a car in every garage” or “Keeping up with the Joneses” and this insanity.
“And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves.”
A Black Friday indeed.
[re=470253]Cheney Guevara[/re]: Oh I know it’s Stupak, but what’s the point of advertising about it to a bunch of hyperinformed liberals? It’s not even a “call your critter now!” kind of message. It’s not edgy or clever, just loud.
[re=470330]the problem child[/re]:
they’re urging you to contact your senator. re: edgy, etc. i’m no expert on marketing or advertising, so i’ll take your word for it. but it got noticed, i guess.
…”And I’m proud to be an Amer-i-can.”…sing it everyone.
Wal-Mart…where everything in the store is made in China…..that’s it! This is how the Chinese will take over America! One Wal-Mart shopper at a time!
Rockem Sockem Robots is really cool.
[re=470330]the problem child[/re]: I don’t get this problem with the add. If it was some add for right-to-life, you’d be screaming that it doesn’t go along with the mission or focus of the sight. These adds are supposed to preach to the choir. That’s how adds work. Durrrr.
WE GOT IT WE GOT IT WE GOT IT–wait, what did we get?
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