BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB  4:35 pm December 1, 2009

John McCain Not Pleased With This ‘Possible End Of War’ Business

by Jim Newell

The most shocking news story of the day, no? Walnuts says, “The way that you win wars is to break the enemy’s will, not to announce dates that you are leaving.” VICTORY! This article also notes, terrifyingly, that Walnuts — who’s never seen a war worth ending — “will be the leading Republican voice on the president’s strategy for Afghanistan and Pakistan.” There we go, then! The leading opposition party voice in this effort is still using terminology like “win wars” to describe the goals in Afghanistan! He should be a very flexible negotiator during the next 20 years of this war. [NYT]

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AggieDemocrat December 1, 2009 at 4:37 pm

When has John McCain ever had anything to do with winning a war?

pampl December 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Keep in mind that the alternative leading voices would be Palin or Joe the Plumber.

Hooray For Anything December 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Would it have been better if Obama’s timeline was for 5 1/2 years?

magic titty December 1, 2009 at 4:42 pm

Aren’t we still down by 9pts with 30 seconds on the clock and no timeouts left, in Vietnam?

Doglessliberal December 1, 2009 at 4:43 pm

[re=469382]Hooray For Anything[/re]: FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!!!!!!

WarAndG December 1, 2009 at 4:43 pm

“The way that you win wars is to break the enemy’s will, not to announce dates that you are leaving.” Yeah but John, we can go back in any damn time we want. In case you have forgotten we’re the God Blessed United States of Bottomless Money Pits for War of America. Get with it dude!

SayItWithWookies December 1, 2009 at 4:44 pm

I’m sure Congress will discuss this matter with their usual level of thoughtfulness, factuality and decorum — akin to that of a church full of illiterate snake-handlers during a plague of locusts.

bitchincamaro December 1, 2009 at 4:44 pm

Yeah, you tell ‘em Grampy McFuckface. War-enders are fags!

Paul Tardy December 1, 2009 at 4:45 pm

So glad Obama is President not McCain, or we might be there 4 ever. Just hope we win fast. Those warriors will be hitting the 20 year retirement thing soon. They can retire if right? right? I need some approbation here. They do retire at some point right? Maybe that is how it ends, every person under 40 retires from the military. Year is like 2075.

Hedley Lamar December 1, 2009 at 4:45 pm

It smells like courage to me… oh wait, that’s just the old man smell.

tripsydaily December 1, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Oh Goddamn McCain – pick up a copy of The Art of War, read it, and politely excuse yourself so you can proceed to SHUT YOURSELF THE FUCK UP!

chascates December 1, 2009 at 4:48 pm

He doesn’t mind if the troops are there for 100 years. And he’ll make sure his two sons get a nice, safe posting.

Gopherit December 1, 2009 at 4:49 pm

“The way that you win wars is to break the enemy’s will, not to announce dates that you are leaving.”

Exactly. Look what happened when the North Vietnamese finally broke McCain. They overran Hanoi faster than Megs can snarf down a Big Mac.

shadowMark December 1, 2009 at 4:50 pm

With John to rally the olds of America and Meghan to rally the youngs of America, the Muslims and in fact all the non-Americans are just going to give up and submit applications for jobs at Wal-Mart. John and Meghan. Father and daughter pulling together. THAT’S how you win wars. Game over. Let the elves have any kind of sex they want now.

Wanderlust December 1, 2009 at 4:51 pm

You’d think he’d be glad to see a war ending just in time for his 100th birthday.

mumblyjoe December 1, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Well, obviously Walnuts prefers Bush’s strategy for winning the war, which was *announcing* deadlines for leaving, yes, but then letting them pass and ignoring them and pretending that you never made them in the first place.

It’s funny, because that was also the strategy that a not-friend friend who was crashing on our couch had for “winning” my apartment.

shortsshortsshorts December 1, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Oh man if only we had never kept an exit strategy during Vietnam… “5 AND A HALF YEARS, ALLEN” could have been a helluva lot longer.

M.Yazz December 1, 2009 at 4:57 pm

Wanderlust: Win!

JMP December 1, 2009 at 4:57 pm

The army is short of soldiers, John. If it’s so important to you, shouldn’t you try to encourage Megs to sign up (and isn’t the younger daughter close to 18 too?)

JSDC007 December 1, 2009 at 4:59 pm

Because John McCain knows all about winning wars.

And crashing planes.

In wars he’s never won.


Army of None December 1, 2009 at 5:00 pm

This guy was so effective at solving the economic tsunami when it struck. He must know about everything!

slappypaddy December 1, 2009 at 5:05 pm

he gave this matter a lot of thought (5.5 yrs) but he’s still not quite there. it’s the navy flyboy in him, he doesn’t quite get it. the way you win wars is by killing people. not just any people, though. you want to kill the ones who will kill you if you don’t kill them first. once you kill enough of that category of people — and the precise number varies according to context — the survivors will surrender. trust me, this works. the union did it in the civil war and the allies did it in world war two (there are other historical examples, but these two will suffice for now. you get the point.) once you’ve killed enough of this category of people, then you can legitimately declare victory and go home.

NYNYNY December 1, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Yeah, I say we get a draft going so we can win Vietnam and Korea at the same time. What do you say, John? Otherwise all those deaths were in vain.

Gorillionaire December 1, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Hey you guys remember back when the Bush Administration was stirring up a shitstorm all over the world and former VP and election loser Al Gore was all over the teevee and the newspapers non-stop given an endless forum to critique every move of the new administration?
Yeah me either.

Cicada December 1, 2009 at 5:12 pm

Oh goody, Pappy’s gonna spin us a yarn. Tell us the one about how Afghanistan will one day be a beeyootiful democracy, with a Disneyland and a Hooters on every corner!

Neilist December 1, 2009 at 5:16 pm

You Godless Commie Wonkies can laugh all you want. But when John “Fightin’ Mad” McCain sails into downtown Kabul at the helm of the flagship of the victorious U.S. Navy fleet, you won’t be laughing no more:

We know you’re a Naval man, that’s why we sent for you, you see the Army is desperately short of sailors.

I’m sorry to hear that. We had a terrible shortage of soldiers in the Navy.

Snap. Now Admiral, you don’t mind my calling you by your first name?

Touché. Fred Touché.

Well, Admiral Fred, the garrison at Burami Oasis is under constant siege.


Now there’s only one way to deal with these turban devils of bran, we’re… Wait a minute, wait for it… [suddenly over-dramatic] We’re going to send a GUNBOAT!

[Thunderous cheers, leading into "Land of Hope and Glory"]

See “The Nasty Affair At The Burami Oasis,” by The Goon Show.

shadowMark December 1, 2009 at 5:22 pm

[re=469433]slappypaddy[/re]: once you kill enough of [the ones who will kill you if you don’t kill them first] — and the precise number varies according to context — the survivors will surrender. trust me, this works

Yes, but, if the Marines go into a city and say, “Okay, which of you would kill us if we don’t kill you first, raise your hands!” the damn unfair non-Americans will try to BLEND IN and make it hard for the Marines to sort out the demographics. And America has been SO GOOD at making friends with the rest of the world (“So Rick Warren is friends with this weird Ugandan pastor Martin Ssempa and Sarah Palin is friends with this weird Kenyan minister Thomas Muthee”) that it appears an awful large number of non-Americans want to kill us if we don’t kill them first even if they won’t be honest and up-front about admiting it to the guys with guns.

So I applaud the simplicity of your solution but I don’t think the numbers are on our side for applying it to our various wars. Although I think we have to weapons to actually apply it successfully if, say, Sarah or Rick ever became president and brought the will to go all Michael Corleone on the world to the White House.

gurukalehuru December 1, 2009 at 5:22 pm

Hey, torture guy, how about you pay some attention to your daughter, who is obviously starved for it, and leave the military strategerizing to those who have the capacity for rational thought.

Hooray For Anything December 1, 2009 at 5:30 pm

[re=469435]Gorillionaire[/re]: Gore actually gave a huge and emotional speech before the start of the Iraq War damning the whole idea as wrongheaded and immoral. He, of course, was skewered by the Republicans and pundits for daring to criticize a President at a time of war, even accused of being emotionally unhinged and too angry. As you saw in that interview Politico had with Cheney, the press has been diligent in pointing out all the hypocrisies current Republican leaders have been showing in regards to Obama and attacking their patriotism.

Oh wait.

lochnessmonster December 1, 2009 at 5:41 pm

I think he should toss a few of those beers back that his wifey makes and go to sleep. I’m sure he does not have the same intelligence (real and militarily) that the President currently has.

Extemporanus December 1, 2009 at 5:44 pm

[re=469402]Gopherit[/re]: OM VIETNOM NOM NOM…

skutre December 1, 2009 at 5:48 pm

McPlane’s strategy for breaking the enemy’s will: Get drunk and crash your airplane on them. Sounds kinda Japanese.

Mr Blifil December 1, 2009 at 5:49 pm

I’m not sure which is more useful, John McCain’s advice on how to win wars, or John McCain’s advice on how to live with the fear of being figured out to be a soulless hack trading on a 40-year old tragedy in order to get girls. I’ll take the latter.

sati demise December 1, 2009 at 6:16 pm

[re=469501]Mr Blifil[/re]: he is the Johnny Carson of the military, without the brains.

slappypaddy December 1, 2009 at 6:19 pm

[re=469454]shadowMark[/re]: we don’t want to make “friends.” we don’t have any “friends” and we’re not going to have any “friends.” no point in even trying, the world doesn’t work that way. we want respect, pure and simple, as in, “you fuck with us and we will kill you. you want to bring suit against us in an international court, fine, but if you want to fly planes into our buildings or otherwise fuck with us, we will find you and we will kill you.” not, “you fuck with us and we will dick around in a half-assed way until we get tired of it and give up.” to send that message even one time is to send it one time too many.

skutre December 1, 2009 at 6:26 pm

I’m thinkin more P.J. O’Rourke than Meghan McCain.

sezme December 1, 2009 at 6:54 pm

[re=469434]NYNYNY[/re]: Yes, technically the Korean War isn’t over yet, so what are we waiting for?

sezme December 1, 2009 at 7:01 pm

[re=469533]slappypaddy[/re]: Actually by this logic, we should probably just go over there and start killing their children. If we just keep doing that faster then they can make new ones, the evildoers will eventually surrender. Then we can go home with honour. Also, it wasn’t the Taliban that did 9-11.

glamourdammerung December 1, 2009 at 7:01 pm

[re=469402]Gopherit[/re]: “Look what happened when the North Vietnamese finally broke McCain.”

There really was no “finally” about it. He was singing like a canary when they took him into custody. Which is yet another reason that no one should care what this waste of protein says about any war.

Katydid December 1, 2009 at 7:03 pm

Meh, he won’t last 20 more years. He’s an old.

Snarkalicious December 1, 2009 at 7:24 pm

Hey, John Boy…why don’t you go ask Ho Chi Minh for his oppinion of what you said just there? In hell would be the most suitable setting, you asshole.

proudgrampa December 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm

I can’t stand it anymore.





Thanks, Jim. I had to get that out of my system.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Zadig December 1, 2009 at 8:01 pm

Man, just when newspapers were cranking up the narrative that a Democratic commitment to the war would cause doom in the 2010 elections – DOOM I TELL YOU – the opposition party stands up to say that they would totally war WAY harder than the Democrats. Truly, the winningest strategy ever.

kiltdownman December 1, 2009 at 9:27 pm

It might be his Parotid . It looks lopsided – like a small sack of walnuts – and may be accumulating saliva that should be lubicating his speech , which consequently comes out all dry , like a nun’s nasty , so instead of sounding like “Man ,give peace a chance ‘ it sounds like nuke the sandniggers before they come over here to one of my mansions .

lawchic December 1, 2009 at 9:32 pm

I’m just waiting for someone, anyone, from the “mainstream media” to ask McCain whether he revealed his strategy for catching Bin Laden to President Obama yet. Every other week during the campaign he trotted out that line, and no one really challenged him on this “secret” strategy — and yet, respectable newspapers are still quoting his opinion as if it is worth more than the gum stuck to the bottom my shoe!

Hunger Tallest Palin December 1, 2009 at 11:54 pm

John McPOW: Still not President of the United States. Still not relevant.

gurukalehuru December 2, 2009 at 12:53 am

[re=469533]slappypaddy[/re]: Unless you are being meta sarcastic, which is always a possibility here, you are a fucking neanderthal. You and Neilist should be friends.

AddHomonym December 2, 2009 at 2:34 am

[re=469801]gurukalehuru[/re]: slappydaddy DO NOT WANT friends! Try to keep up.

LowerdPeninsula December 2, 2009 at 4:05 am

This is what happens when you try to straddle the line. When you’re out perpetually trying to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, at all.

As for McCain, he can go out and do what he does best: marry some other drug-addled beer heiress and crash fighter jets into shit.

Boondock Saint December 2, 2009 at 6:58 am

“faster than Megs can snarf down a Big Mac” That’s some funny shit there, mister! I thought that was jizz on her chin, turns out it’s “special sauce”.

totoro December 2, 2009 at 11:51 am

I thought you won a war by continuously crashing your airplanes until someone finally calls you a hero.

MarSF December 2, 2009 at 12:18 pm

McCain lost whatever shred of credibility he had on national security or “war waging” when he picked that Winking Fuckwit Imbecilic Snowbilly Grifter to run as his VP.

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