let freedom reign

‘Freedom Tray’ Is Perfect Xmas Gift For Every Single Person In America

Fuck yeah.
Do you have a hard time balancing a lap-full of bacon burgers and grease tacos while you drive around slurping caramel-coffee ice cream shakes and 172-oz. buckets of Mr. Pibb? Did foreigners steal your job? Wondering why your teen-aged daughter has so many middle-aged male friends from the MySpace showing up at all hours? What you need is the Freedom Tray. Meet the Freedom Tray. Buy the Freedom Tray. Experience Freedom.

What is the Freedom Tray, you ask? Well put down your Koran and take your dick out of that guy’s mouth and we will tell you:

Is this a patriotic tray?

The Freedom Tray is a tribute to the world class manufacturing and dedication of the hard working people of this country. We are proud that the Freedom Tray is completely made and manufactured in the USA with US-made materials. Also, as the name implies, the tray provides you the freedom to live an organized, spill-free and uncluttered life without changing your day-to-day routine.

How much weight can the Freedom Tray hold?

Sponsored Video

Be assured that the Freedom Tray is designed to hold all you can load in it. The Freedom Tray can hold up to 75 lbs. of weight in the center of the tray, with the legs deployed. This is one tough tray!

Can I order accessories?

Currently accessories are not available for sale. Check back for future enhancements or follow the link on our website to sign-up to receive product updates and special promotions.

What are the three U shaped holes on the sidewalls?

These are for future accessories. Check back soon for details.

Yeah whatever, these are just holes for the rope so you can attach the Freedom Tray to your neck, for hands-free eating of 75 pounds of hamburgers. Merry Christmas, everybody! Enjoy your Freedom! (Tray.) [Freedom Tray, via Wonkette operative Garrett Quinn]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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126 comments

  1. AnnieGetYourFun

    But will the legs fit on either side of the motorized scooters that morbidly obese Americans need to get around Wal-Mart? Actually, will the legs fit on either side of most Americans?

  2. WarAndG

    As seen on the Fox News. It comes with 50 American Flag napkins. While supplies last. No purchase necessary? Screw you, freedom isn’t free libtard.

  3. iwillsavethispatient

    Surely that’s just half a beer-pong table?

    Also, only holds 75 pounds? That’s less than the weight of a Real American’s arm.

  4. coolcatdaddy

    Now I’ll never have to touch my burger and fries again as I shove them into my mouth.

    Thanks, Freedom Tray!

  5. SmutBoffin

    Shit. Ken. Whenever you write about the mall-hopping and grease-guzzling habits that are components of the Modern American Condition, I get the impression that your pen (keyboard-blog-thing?) has been dipped in molten anger.

    You scare me sometimes, is the point.

  6. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=469301]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Oh wait, I see, it’s small, for your lap, not for beer pong after all. Not to say we couldn’t try… Tell you what, lets just drink some cheap beer quickly and call it quits.

    The customer quotes are great:
    As “Sarah from Buffalo” says, “Before, the kids were always making a mess when we traveled with food. Now, I let the little bleeders starve instead.”

  7. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=469307]M.Yazz[/re]: The 1950s just called, they’re missing a crotchety old man.

  8. NopantsMcGee

    75 lbs of food for a Bitter isn’t even enough to get them out of bed, much less sitting in an upright position.

  9. Cicada

    Wow, if I order now I get 4 “Freedom Huggers” free! I have no idea what a “Freedom Hugger” is. I think it might be Real American (TM) for a condom. You know, the special kind with the holes poked in them that Sarah Palin uses.

  10. JMP

    “We are proud that the Freedom Tray is completely made and manufactured in the USA with US-made materials.”

    In other words, it’s made in the Northern Mariana Islands by virtual slave labor; either that, or like US cars it breaks down and needs to be returned for servicing every six months or so.

    [re=469298]WarAndG[/re]: [re=469306]StoneAge[/re]: Are the flag napkins only included if you call within the next five minutes?

  11. RoscoePColtraine

    Move over, Snuggie! I know what everyone on my gift list is getting for CHRISTmas this year.

  12. proudgrampa

    COMING SOON! FLASHLIGHT ATTACHMENT FOR YOUR FREEDOM TRAY!

    EAT AND DRINK IN THE DARK WITH YOUR FREEDOM TRAY!

    Oh Philadelphia Freedom Tray shine on me, I love you
    Shine a light through the eyes of the ones left behind
    Shine a light shine a light
    Shine a light won’t you shine a light
    Philadelphia Freedom Tray I love you, yes I do!

  13. Mad Brahms

    [re=469307]M.Yazz[/re]: Why go to the dinner table when you can bring the dinner table to you? This article reminds me of the Onion video piece on Americans buying Feed Bags. I hate it when satire becomes reality.

    [re=469306]StoneAge[/re]: If it doesn’t come in three easy payments, that’s going to be a tough sell for some folks. Though they could through in some sort of 80s compilation album to sweeten the deal, I guess.

  14. queeraselvis v 2.0

    I call bullshit. Ewa and Mitch aren’t nearly fat enough to have come up with that glorified pig trough.

  15. JMP

    [re=469307]M.Yazz[/re]: Come on now, it’s the American way for proud patriotic families to eat slack-jawed in front of the TV (showing football, NASCAR or Fox News, of course), not talking to each other as they shove the Big Macs into their mouths.

  16. Oldskool

    So if I wanted to try out me some freedom, I couldn’t lay on the tray cause it only holds 75 lbs. I’d like to order one super-sized, please, with extry milkshake holes.

  17. PrairiePossum

    No Freedom Trays for Christmas – no baby Jesus depicted on the tray and the bastard didn’t wish me a Merry Christmas.

  18. Doglessliberal

    [re=469325]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: no, no, one needs to wear the Snuggie (TM), the perfect garment for Amurricans who now resemble amorphous blobs of suet, while inhaling the requisite 5000 calories per day off the Freedom Tray!

  19. Senile Agitation

    Turns out Kristofferson got it a little wrong, freedom is just another word for 120+ pounds left to lose. Thank goodness this Tray of Liberty can hold up to 75 pounds of fruits, nuts, grains and leafy green vegetables. Or a naked young boy.

  20. Mad Brahms

    Just noticed the “recycle” logo. Does this apply to the materials, or the 75 pounds of food? This is no less than the second time this month a Wonkette thread has evoked memories of Mr. Creosote.

  21. gurukalehuru

    A freedom tray for your freedom fries
    your freedom cake and freedom pies
    freedom beer and freedom chips
    and onion flavored freedom dip
    Carry freedom in your car
    put it in your lap
    it holds up to 75 pounds
    of your favorite freedom crap

  22. The Church of Realism

    What do you accessorize a Freedom Tray with? My guess is bacon, but I could be wrong…

  23. Jerri

    At last! A trough that fits me and my family’s needs! To the top of the CHRISTmas wish list you go, USA America Freedom Trough!

  24. Zadig

    [re=469331]Mad Brahms[/re]: At this point literally the only difference left between The Onion and Fox News is that one of them is completely sincere.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    Forget about the food aspect of this thing — what’s really great and freedom-loving and empowering is that you now have a place to set your laptop while you’re driving.

  26. NopantsMcGee

    I’m sorry “Freedom Tray” people, but I have been taught by the Shamwow guy that the best things are made by the Germans.

  27. Mad Brahms

    [re=469355]SayItWithWookies[/re]: One shouldn’t combine the too, though, lest you spill sausage gravy on your keyboard while in the midst of a particularly indignant WND post.

  28. AggieDemocrat

    [re=469344]Mad Brahms[/re]: How can they have a recycle logo? WHY DO THEY HATE AMERICA? /mind blowing

    If you eat your dinner off any other surface (including and especially an Obama commemorative plate), you are a DEMON TERRIST!

  29. slappypaddy

    “The Freedom Tray can hold up to 75 lbs. of weight in the center of the tray, with the legs deployed. This is one tough tray!”

    it’s going to need to hold more than that in the center, once its legs are deployed.

  30. AggieDemocrat

    Oh, and I love their tagline: “Made in America. Used Everywhere.”

    Yes, I’m sure these are all the rage in the three-star Michelin restaurants of Paris.

  31. loudmouthredhead

    So, if one accessory is, say, a fry-o-lator…and another is a porta-potty… and then we have a victory tater garden box off the front…THAT is the complete circle of life, and it all collapses down to less than 1 in thick!?

    Say, is Mrs. Announcer lady foreign or what? Mail-order maybe?

  32. give us a bob

    [re=469329]proudgrampa[/re]: [re=469353]Bearbloke[/re]: But you can only have one fleshlight. The other attachment should be where the AR-15 clips on.

  33. loudmouthredhead

    [re=469320]Cicada[/re]: You forgot the special alcohol/meth-based lubricant. “For everyone’s pleasure”

  34. Bearbloke

    [re=469369]give us a bob[/re]: That’s the “Real Merikin” D-luxe model, which can be yours – with a paid subscription to Newsmax.com…

  35. loudmouthredhead

    [re=469347]The Church of Realism[/re]: Nono, the TRAY makes the BACON, not the other way around. Much like wifebeater with pit stains makes the man.

  36. Ducksworthy

    Look. You wonkers can make all the fun you want but these Real Merikan Entrepreneurs (wait is that french?) have figured out how to get the Bitters to send them their money and I’m proud of ‘em. I want to do the same thing. What’s a good scam we can slap a flag on and sell to the yokels? Besides televangelism. Too much competition there.

    Something like this maybe http://tinyurl.com/yjmmn4y

  37. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=469333]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: It was designed for use by a family of four. If the customer chooses to use it for his or her own singular use, which is possible, that’s his or her business.

  38. mumblyjoe

    [re=469389]Ducksworthy[/re]: No, the French don’t have a word for entrepeneur.

    Merkins, and therefore merkin entrepenuers, on the other hand, are very, very french. Or so I’m told.

  39. M.Yazz

    No doubt the Freedom Tray people run purity tests on their customers. The rest of you bastards get the Commie Traitor Librul Tray (made in China).

  40. chascates

    Now I’ve got a made-in-the-USA tray to hold my fast food burger (from Brazil, Australia, or Argentina) prepared by teh illegalz!

  41. osama bin drinkin

    I’m actually buying half a dozen of these as xmas gifts. Some for friends who will get the joke, the rest for family who won’t, but will really like it even more.

  42. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=469406]osama bin drinkin[/re]: You thought I was kiddin’? Man, I hope there’s enough real estate under my tree for all the Freedom Trays I plan to buy.[re=469325]RoscoePColtraine[/re]:

  43. Alexander the Large

    Thank God for that helpful illustration. I was wondering whether my freedom fries and my… err… freedom fish and chips? would fit in my freedom white trash accessory.

  44. Extemporanus

    “Freedom Tray” really doesn’t sound very American to me.

    Couldn’t they have called it the “Freedom Very”, or Freedom Three”, or something?

  45. the problem child

    Does “*Used Everywhere” mean I can pick one up at a yard sale for a quarter? Because I might.

  46. Spike

    $20 for a tray? You could get like, 4 Made in China trays for that price. And they would throw in the lead paint for free!

  47. Sharkey

    [re=469427]ms_mcgee[/re]: “Das Fweedom Tway is ve must haav…”

    Also, do they ship to France? How about Iran? This is perfect for my gift-giving needs.

  48. Don't Mess with Joe

    Garrett you beat me to it! I saw this thing on TV over Thanksgiving and was just floored. This makes the Snuggie look high class.

  49. EdFlinstone

    Oh why must I wait for the Freedom Toilet? When Im done with my freedom fries and salad with freedom dressing, and breakfast with freedom toast, only then will my recently liberated turds get the dignified sendoff to the waste treatment plant they deserve.

  50. happyrock

    The attachments are for the toilet that you sit on before attaching the tray. It’s delayed because they’re test marketing various configurations of American flag decorations to see which one is most popular. Wrap-yourself-in-the-flag-diapers tested poorly.

  51. Nigerian Business Executive

    [re=469441]Extemporanus[/re]: That Gay Tray doesn’t look very gay to me. I suppose I should have asked for a Muscle Bear Tray because I guess I just can’t tell between a Really Fay Gay Tray and a woman’s back.

    What a very bizarre sentence I just wrote.

  52. Mr Blifil

    I can’t wait for the class war when the people with food and shit all over their stupid oversize automotive vehicles turn on the Freedom Tray-having overlords. At that point, I’m doubting Freedom will reign.

    I am hopeful one of those special holder thingees will be for my jetpack.

  53. NiceButStupid

    I’m holding out for the Freedom Tray Deluxe (pronounced DEEElux). I am hoping that it will come with arm rests along the side of the tray that wrap around me. Right now there is no place for me to put my elbows.

  54. Extemporanus

    [re=469482]Nigerian Business Executive[/re]: Hey, I think the tray’s a twink, or as they might say, a “tway”. OK?

    Oh, and here’s a “Bear Tres” for you, mi amigo.

  55. Yes You Can Own A Piece of History

    Wait a minute, what the fuck is that commie green recycling arrow doing on the web site? The freedom tray isn’t made of recycled materials, is it?

  56. Humpback

    What if I have more than 75 pounds of Freedom? Where will I put it? Must I wait for the attachments?

  57. Nigerian Business Executive

    [re=469519]Extemporanus[/re]: Ugh. I just lost my appetite. You should sell your Bear Tres as a diet aid.

  58. Bearbloke

    [re=469519]Extemporanus[/re]: Bear Fail! – No Bear would go to an outdoor ‘shirtless-is-fine’ event with a woman, especially one with whom he could swap clothes… one saves the Divine-sized faghags like that one for a John Waters film-fest…

  59. comicbookguy

    I don’t go sailing off the coast of Iran without my Freedom Tray! And the legs fold so you can take it hiking! Also!

  60. Extemporanus

    [re=469528]Bearbloke[/re]: It’s good to know that shaving a NASCAR driver’s number on one’s back meets with your approval.

    Lemme guess: You’ve got “99″ on yours, right?

  61. comicbookguy

    You know who could use a Freedom Tray? Our troops. Send one in a care package to remind them what they’re fighting for.

  62. undermedicated

    The FAQ claims there are no BPAs in the FREEDOM TRAY. The fuck is going on? This is some sort of trick by dirty hippies from North Carolina. There’s nothing more patriotic than bisphenol A. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!11!!!;

  63. a_pink_poodle

    Real ‘mericans buy Freedom Trays, not French Trays.

    …wait, there really are French Trays? God damn it, not again!

  64. KingCoCrazy

    Remember, usage is strictly limited to PBR and burgers. Don’t even think about rollin’ doobies or snortin’ blow on a Freedom Tray, or a righteous all-American ass whoopin’ is coming your way!

  65. skoal rebel

    shit fuckin broke first time i used it piece of shit just ridin in my truck just had a dip reached for my mountin dew 2liter barely fit in the holder fell allover the fuckin place snapped the leg right off piece of shit

  66. President Beeblebrox

    That’s serious font abuse on the Freedom Tray logo. I would expect those letters to form the logo of a heavy metal band like, say, “TARANCHULA”, “LIMOZEEN”, or “BIGG NIFE”.

    So this is what the New American Century is going to bring us – fast food served and eaten faster on yr. Red State-manufactured Freedom Trays. Who needs the auto and steel industries when fuckwits in the South are happy to make giant plastic trays to serve junk food on?

    Somewhere, Andrew Carnegie is crying.

  67. President Beeblebrox

    Freedom Tray Facebook fan page GO GO GO!

    “My Freedom Tray doubles as a waterboard.”

    Also, what makes a tray patriotic? Are Muslin trays unpatriotic? What about Jewish trays? Or gay French or gay Dutch trays? AMERIKA TRAY’S FUK YEAH!

    Is this a patriotic tray?

    The Freedom Tray is a tribute to the world class manufacturing and dedication of the hard working people of this country. We are proud that the Freedom Tray is completely made and manufactured in the USA with US-made materials. Also, as the name implies, the tray provides you the freedom to live an organized, spill-free and uncluttered life without changing your day-to-day routine.

  68. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=469774]President Beeblebrox[/re]:

    Carnegie? Ya mean that pickaninny that stoled mah vee-hickle?

  69. Kinkster

    [re=469306]StoneAge[/re]: Jesus, I thought freedom was expensive at $1.05 in 2004, but now it’s $19.95?? I should have invested in freedom instead of all this purestrain gold.

  70. Manos: Hands of Fate

    “The Freedom Tray can hold up to 75 lbs. of weight” Damn, that’s a lot of Cheezy Gordita Crunchs.

  71. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Future accessories? Like what? Snap-on missile launcher, Palin book holster, and waterboard, each sold separately?

  72. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=469349]Mad Brahms[/re]:
    Freedom tray
    Freedom fap
    Now it’s time for
    Freedom nap

    (repeat till fade out)

  73. Magnus Maximus

    Well, I have to buy one for ironic purposes. It’s just too cool to pass up.

    If you eat sushi from Whole Foods off of it, it’s like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters…the universe will blow up.

  74. raysmuckles

    I’m still trying to find the asterisk, but I guarantee you any amount of money that this thing is actually made in Red China and covered in 100% lead paint.

  75. fromhils

    I detect an unusual accent on the lady in the commercial… thinking perhaps she may be a foreign…

    ferner! ferner!1!!

    THEY TUK OR JOBS!1!!!!

  76. S0C7

    [re=469346]gurukalehuru[/re]: I am waiting for the Fanny J Crosby version!
    Perfect submission, perfect delight,
    visions of rapture now burst on my sight.
    Angels descending bring from above,
    echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
    This is my story, this is my song,
    Praising my Savior all the day long.

    Wish it had more Jeebus however.

  77. eekahil

    Anyone tries to Freedom Hug me I’m calling HR.
    And just what part of America were you made in, Ms. Funny Accent EWA MATAWHATSIS? You and the Mister don’t even spell “Lawrence” the American right way.
    Lou…oh, Lou…gotta little job for you.

    And “America” can mean Mexico or Canadia, also. Or even that place South of Florida or wherever the heck Argentina is.
    ZOIMG! Maybe it’s made on Muslin Obama Hawaii!!!!111!!!

Comments are closed.