Here we have the most recent entry from smarmy hippopotamus Rick Warren’s Twitter page, the rest of which is SO. GRATING. GAHH. (Example: “If God says 2 things that appear contradictory, both are true.The problem is U trying to fit God into ur theological box.” Fuck does that mean? Just shutup, right?) Rick Warren is perfect and knows that the best and most honorable way to win any argument is to equivocate.

Oh you’re mad at me for not admitting that a proposed law in Uganda, written by my God friends, ordering a Gay Genocide might be bad? WELL WHERE WERE YOU LAST YEAR, HUH? WHERE WERE YOU? YOU WERE ELSEWHERE, THAT’S WHERE. PROBABLY BLOGGING. FAGS.


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  1. Let us open our Shithead Bibles to the Book of Nyaah, Chapter 13, verse 21, wherein our Lord and Savior Jebus Christ replied to the contention of the Pharisees that he was fifty pounds of fuggly in a 30-pound sack by saying verily unto them “I am rubber and thou art glue, shit bounces off me and sticks to you.”

  2. Man, that guy has some mad media research and analysis skillz if he can ensure that every single person who said anything about Christians being killed for their faith were themselves Christians. I mean, that’s a level of detail I just can’t replicate. I doff my cap to you, sir.

  3. “If Rick says 2 things that appear contradictory, like being against gays but calling his church Saddleback Ranch, both are true.The problem is U trying to fit Rick into ur logic box.”

  4. And on the night He was betrayed, Jesus took a bowl of lightly salted poisoned rat dicks and, after blessing it, gave it to Rick Warren and said, “Take, eat. Do this in remembrance of me.”

  5. “If God says 2 things that appear contradictory, both are true.The problem is U trying to fit God into ur theological box.”

    Ghetto translation: your arms are too short to box with God.

    Yes? Right? Good. Give me my free Apple product.

  6. “The problem is U trying to fit God into ur theological box.”

    There is no way I would try to fit that in my box. I’ve already got a tampon in.

  7. So, Rick, what are YOU, PERSONALLY, doing about that? Leaving your comfy home, over-stocked refrigerator, high-paying church, and getting out there on the front lines for your faith? Ah, didn’t think so.


  8. …No one, except Christians, said anything.

    But next year, thanks to Rick Warren and his minions, gay Ugandan Christians will be added to that figure.

  9. Globally last yr 146,000 Christians were put to death because of their faith. No one, except Christians, said anything.

    Ergo, all the fat, spoiled, self-righteous, self-indulgent megachurchers in a country super-saturated with Christianity can appropriate this fact in such a way that they imagine themselves as being part of a horribly persecuted minority… which they are not in any way, shape, or form.

  10. Only 146,000? That’s less that 2 one-thousandths of a percent of the world’s population. The Army recruits more people than that a year. More people die from brain cancer. This isn’t a conspiracy, they probably just died from the stress of having their religion yanked around by idiots like you.

  11. Last year 46,000 Americans died because they had no health insurance and the same will happen this year. No evangelical, pentecostal or fundamentalist Christians said anything.

  12. [re=469110]gurukalehuru[/re]: Well, it wasn’t that long ago that Christians were regularly being killed for their faith in N. Ireland. Of course, they were being killed by other, very slightly different Christians.

  13. Looking at Warren, it seems they were also quite delicious. The real tragedy is that they’re breeding too fast for an effective eradication program.

  14. Globally last yr 146,000 Christians were put to death

    I don’t want to be picky but he typed “yr” to save two characters but then typed out “146,000” when he could have written “146k” and saved THREE characters.

    I’m really in a bad mood and this kind of inconsistent twittering makes my mood more bad.

    Or does he figure his fans won’t know what hell 146k means?

  15. It takes a greater leap of faith to believe nothing created everything.
    6:57 PM Nov 25th from web

    That would certainly take a leap of faith, Rick. Of course if you studied cosmology for, like, an hour, you would learn that nobody thinks nothing created everything. Scientists are particularly experienced at not jumping to conclusions to satisfy their need for an explanation. This is one of the many fine things that separates science from suck-ass theology.

  16. If Pastor Warren would read his Bible, he would see that “Christians” never really “die.” They come back as righteous transformers riding righteous pale horses and commence the smiting and the revenge killing.


  17. I’m still trying to thread this needle. He can speak out against Christians but not gays because that would be wrong???

    Cognitive dissonance anyone?

  18. It’s about time we started calling people like Rick Warren and anybody else who fundamentally misunderstands Christ and his teachings what they really are: Heretics.

    Do you believe CHrist would sanction violence against anybody? Yes? You are a heretic who understands nothing about the beauty and nature of Christ.

    Does your religion teach that killing in any kind is in line with CHrist’s teachings? YOUR RELIGION IS HERESY.

  19. He says ‘were put to death’ as though Caesar had a good time at the Colossium last night.

    How exactly were 146,000 Christians EXECUTED last year, Mr. Warren?

  20. It is wonderful how the 140 character limit on twitter forces one to strip any semblance of reason from your message and expose its fundamental craziness.

    Also, you can never find a pre-Christian Roman Legion when you really need one.

  21. If by ‘Christians’ you mean ‘Chicken McNuggets’ and by ‘put to death because of their faith’ you mean ‘eaten to death because of their deliciousness by me, Rick Warren’ then yeah, that sounds about right.

  22. “Yea though I say unto you, they shall raise up the least among them to the highest post and he shall appear as a monkee. The sheep shall follow and the lies shall flow like water from the sea. They shall believe his deceptions and follow him unto war with the wrong nation. And Cheney will shoot a guy in the face too.”

    Lobotomy 9:11

  23. “The problem is U trying to fit God into ur theological box.”

    I can’t wait until twatting goes the way of the leisure suit and all of these hepcat douchebags try to deny that they indulged. Sorry assholes, it’s part of your PERMANENT RECORD!

  24. [re=469166]shadowMark[/re]: The logic is: K, for kilo is Greek. Greek’s have that funny Christianity known as Greek Orthodox; Pastor Warren will have none of it.

    Or, his average follower did not pass High School Science.

  25. 146,000 is the total for an entire year? Seems like a good start, but I’d recommend upping the pace to say, 146,000 per week. Then, we could get some headway on this problem.

  26. A creepy religious fundamentalist who uses “2” instead of “to” and “U” instead of “you”: is Rick Warren turning into Prince?

  27. More than 25 million people have died of AIDS since 1981, according to AVERT, a worldwide AIDS charity. Two million died in 2008 alone.

    Just sayin’, Mr. Rick Prick Warren, just sayin’.

  28. For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten Son, to help identify the ones to whom neither the Ten Commandments nor the Golden Rule apply.

  29. No one said anything? What about all those Hollywood liberals screaming about Darfur? They’re black Christians, but I think they still count. Especially if he’s trying to get to 146,000….

  30. [re=469179]Gregoire[/re]: Maybe it was a typo, and was supposed to be “in teh yr 80” instead or “last yr”?

    [re=469191]jetjaguar[/re]: Actually, it was probably straight out of his ass.

  31. [re=469193]Bearbloke[/re]: So Rick Warren is friends with this weird Ugandan pastor Martin Ssempa and Sarah Palin is friends with this weird Kenyan minister Thomas Muthee. I thought the Right was all isolationist? Mark Sanford went down to Argentina and went down to Argentina. What ever happened to America First? This kind of inconsistent fanaticism is making my bad mood more bad.

  32. No fallacy ever did more heavy lifting for religion than the argument from ignorance. Next week, Warren will claim to have turned water into wine, and when someone points out that nothing happened, he’ll exclaim that we just don’t have God’s celestial palate.

  33. Rick Warren didn’t “say anything” about the thousands of Sunni and Shia muslims that were put to death (mostly by Shia and Sunni muslims, respectively) in Iraq because of their faith. Well, I guess they just had the wrong faith.

  34. [re=469215]Crank Tango[/re]: From InfoPlease’s history of Palestine:
    The British, declaring their mandate unworkable and despairing of finding a solution, turned the Palestine problem over to the United Nations (Feb., 1947). At that time there were about 1,091,000 Muslims, 614,000 Jews, and 146,000 Christians in Palestine.

    So — to be a Christian in Palestine in 1947 means you were put to death last year. If that doesn’t make sense, it’s because U R trying to fit God into yr theological box.

  35. Perhaps Warren should remind his fellow Christians of those 146,000 deaths when they are whining about being persecuted by people saying “happy holidays”.

  36. 1. Fit g-d in2 yr own Theological box. Jurkface.

    2.Rick, what’s with the koan; “If God says 2 things that appear contradictory, both are true”?
    What are U – some kinda terrissmuslinboodist?

  37. [re=469209]assistant/atlas[/re]: Well, there are some Muslims and animists being killed there as well, so you can’t expect Christians to get TOO upset, can you?

  38. Sergeant Howie: I believe in the life eternal, as promised to us by our Lord, Jesus Christ!

    Lord Summerisle: That is good, for, believing what you do, we confer upon you a rare gift, these days – a martyr’s death.

    ~The Wicker Man (1973)

  39. If he’s talking about the 146,000 deaths of Christians in the deep South, then it’s fried chicken, chicken fried steak and big Macs to blame.

    Last time I checked the only folks concerned about those deaths were a bunch of Jewish and librrrul do-gooder doctors.

  40. Best Buy alone killed 72,000.

    Seriously, where did he get this number from? I can’t find it anywhere and it’s bothering me. Especially, the poor unfortunate 2,000 because only 144,000 get to go to heaven.

  41. [re=469215]Crank Tango[/re]: WooHoo! Thats a cool website. Go to the home page of WAKE UP AMERICA where you will see a story entitled, ” Anglican pull rug from under bewildered freemasons”

    Sounds like these chshuns can take care of themselves.

  42. [re=469281]An Outhouse[/re]: This is Twitter’s big flaw; he meant to point out that 146,000 Christians were killed by his fat ass, but ran out of characters.

  43. that’s a suspiciously round number. the christian god i know and keep at a wary distance is rarely so precise. how can we be certain it was not 146,001, or 145,999? rick, we need to see your sources here. don’t let us down, good buddy. we know christians would never make anything up, but don’t leave us out here on a limb without some documentary superstructure.

  44. How does that compare yo other years? Do we need to step up or christian-killing efforts? The Christians have a tremendous lead in the genocide totals but I think if we can get the Chinese to shift from killing Buddhists to killing more Christians then we can push up our totals.

    I know, we can package a packet of anthrax and a Saturday Night Special with a copy of the Origin of Species and give them away on college campuses! I’m a marketing genius!

  45. No one, not a single NGO, not the UN, not Amnesty International or HRW, not teams of anthropologists or aid workers, nope, nobody but bible-loving Christians even gave a damn.


  46. “If God says 2 things that appear contradictory, both are true”?

    Us well-trained Catholics accept this instinctively; becoming comfortable with the duplicity, of say, transubstantiation, at our 1st communions. You see, it’s Jesus and it’s a cookie.

  47. Today (and every day) 25,000 people starve to death. I don’t see obese fucks like Rick Warren stepping back from the buffet line.

  48. The best thing ever said about religion, by Emo Phillips:

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

    “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

  49. Of course Christians were the only ones saying something. Given that most Christians that actually have been murdered by their faith were murdered by other Christians, I am sure it tends to be a topic of conversation.

  50. Seriously though, is there on conservative that has a better rationale for their fucked up policies than “but, but, but someone else did the same thing”?

  51. I have a cat in my theological box and I don’t want to look in it because if I do the cat might be dead. Oh now I get it! God is like quantum physics. Makes perfect sense now.

  52. [re=469506]skutre[/re]: [re=469507]Mr Blifil[/re]: [re=469509]tiger[/re]: And the street price of an AR15 is at a record low. What’s the hold up?

  53. [re=469181]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: It’s like the Bizarro-Bertrand Russell!

    [re=469130]the problem child[/re]: ‘Tis not an easy task to make me spew potato(e) soup from my nostrils. Kudos!

    [re=469375]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Paraphrased from George Carlin: “Uh, Fadder? If God is all powerful, can he make a rock so big that He Himself can’t lift it? AH, HAHAHAHA! Got you there!”

  54. I really want to come up with some sarcastic joke, maybe somehow involving Megan McCain’s funbags, but honestly? I can’t make with the funny, not for the second Rick Warren post in as many days. Instead, all I’m going to say is:

    Fuck Rick Warren. Fuck him sideways with a tire iron. Human-shaped die cast molds of dog excrement like that asshole, and the extent to which they’ve co-opted the public face of Christianity both here in America, and world-wide, are pretty much the entire reason I refuse to call myself a Christian any more; there’s no way in hell that the god I’m praying to and the one he’s praying to are the same fucking one. If it means spending an eternity separated from a god who brooks the spreading of this sort of pap in his name, well, I’m not really going to lose any sleep over that possibility.

  55. Rick Warren is a shit-faced maroon who is also capable of twiddling his sausage-like digits in the vicinity of a keyboard and producing absolute hogwash without an ounce of shame or self-examination. This man should felch himself to death with a jumbo-XL-deLuxe Silly Straw, for verily, he is an abomination unto the Lard.

  56. Actually Iraq was the last Middle Eastern nation where Christian were not under siege, then something happened. What Was that Warren (hint in my capitalizations).

  57. [re=469110]gurukalehuru[/re]: Over what time period did these uses of “unprecedented” by Bush 43 occur? During only one speech sounds a bit improbable, but if the number is over his entire presidency, that would sound a bit more reasonable. Since “unprecedented” is a big scary word for Bush 43 I imagine he only used the word in speeches written for him.

    [re=469166]shadowMark[/re]: If Doofus here typed 146,000 as opposed to 146k, he probably spent more time and effort finding the comma character in its series of menus on his phone. This assumes that he used a phone with only a twelve button standard keypad to type in that tweet. Oh yeah, using the “k” suffix to replace “,000” is derived from “kilo” prefix in the SI system of units similar more proper uses include “kilogram”, “kiloamp”, and “kilowatt-second”. But SI unit prefixes are associated with those surrendering French and evil Commies, Doofus can’t use that. “146t” might imply 146 metric tons, which is still less than the mass of the poo than Rick Warren spews in a single day.

  58. [re=469177]Baconcat[/re]: “It’s about time we started calling people like Rick Warren and anybody else who fundamentally misunderstands Christ and his teachings what they really are: Heretics.”

    A-fuckin’-men. Time to turn their own tables on the dirty bastards; totally mind-fuck their followers to get them to question their leaders. That’s right; call them blasphemers and heretics and the whole she-bang.

    BTW, I guess the hundreds-of-thousands of people this Ugandan bill would kill wouldn’t also be Christians in a nation over 80% Christian, right? But, if you’re gay and Christian, it doesn’t count, right Rick?

    This man is droppin’ red herring and sewin’ up straw men for battle like whoa.

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