Newsweek has plenty of talented reporters trying to write about real stuff, so it’s a shame that their editor has decided yet again to poop all over his magazine: “But I think we should be taking the possibility of a Dick Cheney bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 2012 more seriously, for a run would be good for the Republicans and good for the country. (The sound you just heard in the background was liberal readers spitting out their lattes.)” No that was the sound of bloggers pressing SHIFT + CONTROL + COMMAND + 4 on their liberal Apple computers to take screen grabs, for mockery. But ha ha yes they do like lattes which is why they are so dumb.

A contest between Dick Cheney and Barack Obama would offer us a bracing referendum on competing visions… A Cheney victory would mean that America preferred a vigorous unilateralism to President Obama’s unapologetic multilateralism, and vice versa.

Perhaps the only person who loves “vigorous unilateralism” (WAR!!) more than Dick Cheney is John “Walnuts” McCain, who famously lost everything in comical fashion one year ago.

Cheney/Santelli ’12, is what we’re trying to say.

Dickmentum [Balloon Juice]

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  • PlanetWingnuta

    Wouldnt it be nice if he won then got arrested on the day he swears into office….just for the jokes…not for serious…

  • Sweet Baby Cheeses

    I’m starting to wonder what (if anything) Cheney and Obama would disagree on. Would we be able to tell them apart?

  • Oldskool

    More like choosing between a hot fudge sundae and a steaming plate of horseshit.

  • V572625694

    Newsweek is to journalism what “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is to television.

  • chascates

    Why not ask Don Rumsfeld? You don’t preside with the candidate you want but . . .
    Oh, never mind.

  • SmutBoffin

    At Newsweek, this dude plays the “wacky” role, as compared to the “straight man” played by that boring Zacharia guy.

  • Sharkey

    Cyborg Cheney 2060!

  • The Church of Realism

    [re=468250]Oldskool[/re]: If you’re a fly, this is a tough decision

  • SayItWithWookies

    Come back, Godzilla, we miss you!



  • Sharkey

    [re=468249]Sweet Baby Cheeses[/re]: If you can think of a better way to exchange protein strands, I’d like to hear it.

  • Extemporanus

    “TRUE CRIME”, indeed.

  • Min

    He’s too creepy to be president. It would be just like electing the Penguin mayor of Gotham City.

  • Flanders

    Cheney/Palin will be the ticket.

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=468251]V572625694[/re]: Newsweek is to journalism what the Washington Generals, featuring Red Klotz, are to professional basketball.

  • norbizness

    Part of my living will stipulates that somebody can chloroform me and aerate my skull with a power drill if I ever start thinking like that Meacham idiot.

  • The Station Manager

    [re=468266]Flanders[/re]: No no no, if we actually want Cheney running shit, you want it to be Palin/Cheney.

  • Hooray For Anything

    Having read this article before, I think what Meachem is saying that Obama is James Bond and Cheney is Blofield and Obama may have blown up Blofield’s evil lair but Blofield easily escaped. Cheney running in 2012 will give Obama another chance to finally take him out. Having seen all of the Bond flicks, however, I know how it ends– Bond defeats Blofield but the pundits write about how it’s great news for S.P.E.C.T.R.E and then criticizes Bond for bowing down to the Emperor of Japan. And Fox News will spend days discussing Bond’s overuse of the phrase “shaken, not stirred.”

  • Extemporanus
  • bitchincamaro

    2012? Shit, that’s plenty of time for 7 or 19 more heart attacks.

  • Brendan M.

    Ross Douthat of neck-beard fame wrote this article in like January.

  • Saint Ronald the Divine

    He would have Dan Quayle’s and my support. The world could definitely use the fresh ideas that a member of Nixon’s staff could bring to the presidency.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=468283]Saint Ronald the Divine[/re]: Ha. Member. And staff.

  • AxmxZ

    One can only hope and pray for a Cheney/Palin ticket. It will be epic. Obama should have troops on stand-by though, for when Republicans get about 20% of the popular vote, all of it entirely in the South, and threaten to secede.

  • Whiskeybaby

    There is literally nothing more elitist than coffee with milk in it.

  • Buttery1000

    Cheney/Bachman ’12.

  • DemmeFatale

    Pleeeeze, Mr. Fatale!!! NOW can we cancel????

  • trondant

    [re=468273]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Yeah, but not even Blofeld would devour his cat. Cheney? Never seen a cat in a photo with him, so draw your own conclusions

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Cheney/H2S 2012: Freedom’s wind

  • teebob2000

    [re=468297]trondant[/re]: It’s his one daughter that eats the pussy, isn’t it?

  • user-of-owls

    A Cheney victory would mean that…Mexico, and especially Canada, would get VERY serious about quickly finishing the uncompleted sections of the border walls.

  • rikitikitavi

    Fuck Cheney. As long as we don’t care about the FUCKING CONSEQUENCES OF CHENEY BEING ELECTED, like, I don’t know, THE FUCKING END OF THE WORLD, why not just have Hitler run for president?

    After all, a Hitler bid for the Republican presidential nomination would be good for the Republicans and good for the country. A contest between Hitler and Barack Obama would offer us a bracing referendum on competing visions… A Hitler victory would mean that America preferred a vigorous unilateralism to President Obama’s unapologetic multilateralism, and vice versa.

  • Mustang

    The Dick Cheney with serious heart problems? The Dick Cheney who was being pushed around in a wheelchair at the inauguration? The Dick Cheney with a perpetual sneer on his face? Nah, couldn’t be. That would be really funny, though.

  • user-of-owls


    Mothra is putting our national security at risk.


  • Larry McAwful

    A friend of mine somehow sent me an advance copy of Jon Meacham’s column from next week’s Newsweek, which is very interesting indeed. Check this out:

    “But I think we should be taking the possibility of a Lyndon LaRouche bid for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2012 more seriously, for a run would be good for the Democrats and good for the country. (The sound you just heard in the background was conservative readers spitting out their chewing tobacco.)”

  • Sussemilch

    Please run. Please please run. Please Robo-Cheney run. I miss being able to laugh uproariously at politicians. Even if it’s only for the campaign, please please please.

  • user-of-owls

    I thought we already unpresidented these guys.

  • house of the blue lights

    Vigorous unilateralism will make you go blind.

  • WarAndG

    [re=468266]Flanders[/re]: As one who is interested in global nuclear annihilation at the hands of undereducated fear mongers, I wholeheartedly support that ticket.

  • Katydid

    [re=468288]AxmxZ[/re]: To make them stay or make them go?

  • Hooray For Anything

    I think most of the pundits secretly want Cheney to run and to win so they no longer have to live with that nagging sense of doubt and self-hatred that they have over being cowardly failures at their jobs over the past eight years. “Oh, well if the American people voted in somebody who ran on a platform of constructing torture chambers under the White House lawn, that proves I didn’t really need to say anything bad about that whole torture thing way back when.”

  • FlownOver

    [re=468288]AxmxZ[/re]: And how might we all support such a secession movement? In the spirit of bipartisanship and shit?

  • user-of-owls

    [re=468324]house of the blue lights[/re]: At the very least, it will result in chafing.

  • Minnie Mean

    Really?! President Dick?! DICK!!! He thinks this is a good idea – sheesh!

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Cheney/Cheney 2012

  • DP

    Yes, and after the “bracing referendum” we can enjoy a “stimulating slide” into chaos followed,of course by the “invigorating nuclear winter” which will undoubtedly follow within, say, six months.

  • mercure

    [re=468290]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Not just coffee with milk, but strong-tasting coffee (espresso) with milk. And you know that there’s nothing the bleeding heart, limp-wristed pacifist set loves more than a strong and bitter tasting beverage. Because they hate everything that’s good.

  • Zadig

    [re=468269]norbizness[/re]: Funny, those are exactly the circumstances in which I could imagine thinking like Jon Meacham.

    [re=468290]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Incidentally, I always assumed that REAL effete liberal elitist pussies took their coffee and milk with chocolate (like me). Why do these fuckers always typecast the liberal as drinking a “latte” rather than “mocha”? Is it because Jon Meacham’s secretly as much of a little girl (coffee-wise) as I am?

  • Mr Blifil

    That sound you hear is actually Jon Meacham’s pubic hair jumping off their host scrotum, because now even they want nothing to do with this dick.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=468311]rikitikitavi[/re]: You totally channelled Lewis Black on that first paragraph. Bravo.

  • betterDeadThanRed

    [re=468365]FlownOver[/re]: No that’s a bad idea because then we would have all of these secessionists sneaking across the border taking our good jobs and free-loading on welfare and our health care system and we would have to build a wall to keep them out. Oh, and Lou Dobbs would have something new to rant about.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=468311]rikitikitavi[/re]: You know who ELSE thought Hitler would make a good chief executive?!

  • trondant

    [re=468304]teebob2000[/re]: Well done, sir or madam.

  • Servo

    Dick will know if it’s feasible by the word on the wire-tapped phones.

  • Rotundo

    [re=468280]bitchincamaro[/re]: Yeah, I’m thinking that having the automatic defibrillator jump starting him during the middle of a debate, much less a news conference or the State of the Union speech might be a little disquieting to even the most robotic conservastooge. Maybe when they fully install his brain/head/spinal column in a cybernetic enclosure he might be ready for a campaign, and eventual world domination.

  • Zadig

    [re=468408]user-of-owls[/re]: Yeah, that’s right. Hitler’s dog.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    The sad thing is a Cheney/whatever tool ticket would probably still garner 30-40% of the vote. I mean, shit, almost 60 million idiots voted for WALNUTS!

  • Scandalabra

    The 18% of Americans who adored Cheney at the end of his administration, DEMAND that ole scowly face heart attackicus run again, this time for the Gipper!

  • rocktonsammy

    Has Cheney cleared this with Rush and Bleck?

  • lamoll

    Say It With Wookies: Correct me if I’m wrong about this, but shouldn’t it read:

    I’m coming back, Tokyo! I miss you!


  • Paul Tardy

    Unlike the current POTUS Dick Doesn’t Dither, not saying they don’t arrive at the same decision but stylistically … – Draft Cheney 2012, This time there will be no deferment.

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    It’s 1996 all over again.

    Who wants to join me for a Macarena?

  • peeno nwar

    No, it was the sound of me reflexively spitting on the words “Dick Cheney.” And then fumbling for a napkin to wipe my computer screen.

    But he has a point. If Penis Cheney gets himself crushed in a real election, perhaps he will be banished back to the demon-realm, and the portal once again sealed for eternity. Oooo, and maybe he’ll take Moosetard with him.

  • lulzmonger

    Oh, I’m taking this VERY seriously – in fact, I even reduced my ROTFLMAO to a ROFL in honor of the dire threat Obama faces if such a dreadful menace should arise in two years’ time.

    Cheney/Bachmann 2012: The Stars Are Aligning! Join Us! Ia Ia Cthulhu Fthagn!

  • ivenson

    [re=468274]Extemporanus[/re]: HOLY SHIT…my daughter will never understand how awesome it was to come home from school and watch a show where apes dressed in people clothes and did people things like plot evil schemes.

    The chimp in western gear riding the horse nearly gave me a full on panic attack.

    We had that, Land of the Lost AND Kroft Superstars. We are truly the luckiest generation.

  • ivenson

    [re=468408]user-of-owls[/re]: AND SCENE!

  • MilwaukeeKent

    I was definitely thinking Cheney/Bachmann as well. Sarah will run, but she’ll drop out shortly after winning the GOP nomination (when, contrary to previous practice, a tiara will be placed on her head)forcing a scramble that results in Cheney/Bachmann.
    The sad part is we’ll never know how a Palin Presidency would end. Would she just quit after a year? Or wake up one morning just knowing that Jesus told her to push the red button…

  • Darkness

    Dick Cheney IS the runs.

    That’s why the economy is so ill.

  • oldguy

    [re=468288]AxmxZ[/re]: Why would we need to call out the troops? To help those clowns pack and move out? If only Lincoln had lost in 1860…

    Palin/Cheney – with those two running the ELECTION would take 4 years…

  • BeWoot

    [re=468288]AxmxZ[/re]: We’ll need the troops to guard the new border. And I’ll suddenly be one of those anti-immigrant wackos.

  • PoetryMan

    [re=468258]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh my, but that was good!

  • I-man

    Meacham really is as vulgar as his name implies.

  • AddHomonym

    It’s a law of pundintry that liberals, when mentioned, must be linked to either lattes or wine. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, also.

  • LowerdPeninsula

    Everyone knows that Jon Meacham is that muppet-looking Jesus-humper, right? The guy is just the terrible. He’s awkward on television, and maybe even more so in his writing, which is a rare accomplishment. I’m not at all surprised he’d find it interesting to dump this horrible scenario on us. The guy is a glutton for punishment.

    [re=468280]bitchincamaro[/re]: Or another 7 or 19 terror attacks, which is an scenario he praises for and sacrifices animals to in his lair, every night.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    It’s in the Bible people!

  • ms_mcgee

    Holy crap. O’Reilly just called the Washington State cop-killer “a bad hombre” and told Huckabee it wasn’t his fault that the murderer got out. Send obnoxious kitteh photos and angry comments to:

  • desertwind

    It’s such a mystery why Dickface didn’t run in 2008.

  • TGY

    Yes, of course we miss being shot in the face. Who wouldn’t?

  • schvitzatura

    [re=468519]ivenson[/re]: Lidsville IS the koo-koo-kookiest, Lidsville, is the ki-ki-kickiest…

  • mardam422

    [re=468304]teebob2000[/re]: WIN!!!1

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