JOLLY OLD ELF  1:05 pm November 30, 2009

Wingnuts Nervous About Elf Sex In Video Game

by Ken Layne

And Glen Beck plays the cocksucking baby hobbitt.We haven’t even thrown away the rotting turkey carcass on the dining room table or swept up the broken glass or sent those people back home, whoever they are/were, and it seems like the War On Xmas has already begun! Why, some folks tell of the early skirmishes of ’09 beginning before Halloween, or Easter, one of those. And the wingnuts are pretty hot & bothered about this video game they love, with the gay male elves just cold fuckin’ each other in the ass. Check it out!

So wait, elves are tops and orcs are bottoms, is that still 'right'?
Players have dirty ‘gay’ sex in hit game [World Net Daily]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 92 comments }

Come here a minute November 30, 2009 at 1:09 pm

It would have been puzzling if the elf had agreed to have heterosexual sex with another man.

pampl November 30, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Look at that dude’s ears, this isn’t just gay elf sex, it’s gay elf-human miscegenation

Red Zeppelin November 30, 2009 at 1:11 pm

I mean really, if those elves aren’t gay, my gaydar is totally useless. I mean what do you think Legolas was doing with Gimli, and why were there all-night parties at Rivendell?

nbawriter November 30, 2009 at 1:11 pm

What will Kucinich tell his hot wife? Now I’m intrigued.

shadowMark November 30, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Of course, did I even have to ask?

Elf sex is next.

This is what happens when Juli goes away for a few hours.

Elf sex.

Jim and Ken must be in their shirts and socks dancing around with the music cranked up…

InKnockYouUs November 30, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Move over, robot hamsters. I just know this is now going to be the “must-have” toy for the 8 to 16 set.

Disco November 30, 2009 at 1:13 pm

So, which one of the WND editors unlocked that content?

watershed November 30, 2009 at 1:16 pm

What’s with the quotes around “gay”?

Gopherit November 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Huh. Some paultards will be knockin’ the cheeto dust off their play stations for this one.

Min November 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Elves. That pan-sexual sluts of the fantasy genre.

bureaucrap November 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

“Once you go elf, you don’t go…uhhh… to Delft”

shortsshortsshorts November 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

If only pickup lines were that simple.

bitchincamaro November 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

“Dirty” sex. Yeah, if it’s done right!

hockeymom November 30, 2009 at 1:17 pm

First, I did not know that elves were real.
And now you’re telling me that they’re having the gay sex?
Consider my mind, blown.

taylormattd November 30, 2009 at 1:18 pm

How do I sign up for this game?

taylormattd November 30, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=467894]nbawriter[/re]: Win

seriesoftubescleaner November 30, 2009 at 1:21 pm

“They are depicted in various homosexual sex positions”

You guys have your own secret positions? Please do tell. Share with the str8s.

watershed November 30, 2009 at 1:21 pm

Now, are these Christmas elves or the Lord of the Rings type of elves?

Extemporanus November 30, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Great.

I just totally wasted a perfectly good line about “touching my elf” in that stupid “Truther Claus video” thread.

Zadig November 30, 2009 at 1:23 pm

[re=467897]Disco[/re]: Every single one of them.

Brace for the outcry about corruption of our nation’s children or something. This despite the fact that given the ESRB rating, the Tarantino-esque bloodspray throughout the game’s content, several hetero sex scenes, and a generally bleak setting, this is not a game meant for kids, or one that could get into the hands of kids without help from an adult. Fucking OBVIOUSLY.

dum librul November 30, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Don’t expect any WND colums from Chuck Norris over the next few weeks.

ManchuCandidate November 30, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Oh WND, when are you coming out of the closet?

Alex_P November 30, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=467892]pampl[/re]: The game’s elves are an underclass living in ghettos. So it’s like the worst kind of miscegenation right there!

junkscience November 30, 2009 at 1:25 pm
springfield_meltdown November 30, 2009 at 1:25 pm

I bought my boyfriend that game for Christmas! Finally a video game I can enjoy watching him play.

Einstein' November 30, 2009 at 1:26 pm

According to an Amazon description, the game also features moral dilemmas “offering no easy choices,” where characters must “decide how to handle complex issues like murder, genocide, betrayal and the possession and sacrificing of children.”

So the gay part is the disgusting part? Okay.

Mad Brahms November 30, 2009 at 1:26 pm

(yes: I am a nerd)

DA:O is actually a pretty decent game, and on top of good design I give Bioware credit for allowing teh gay secks. In one of their previous games (Mass Effect), Bioware allowed for a lesbian relationship, which was fine, though I found the sex scene to be a cheap, voyeuristic example of “hurrr hurrr women making out are hot” style fan service. I may have judged them a bit too harshly, though, since they seem to be open to allowing for the much less socially acceptable (especially among sexually insecure Internet Males) male homosexuality.

The game is rated M anyway, and contains ridiculous amounts of (fantasy, at least) violence, so I don’t really see what all the crowing is about. Ah, WND.

JesusButter November 30, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Am I missing something? WHAT is the name of this game, for I must haves it.

Patty Dumpling November 30, 2009 at 1:27 pm

Which one is Will Ferrell?

the problem child November 30, 2009 at 1:27 pm

You can kill demon-possessed children in this game, too. Sign me up!

Disco November 30, 2009 at 1:27 pm

I like how the author calls it “dirty” as if there’s any sort of “clean” sex.

Body fluids everywhere, man.

Way Cool Larry November 30, 2009 at 1:29 pm

even worse — Disney is promoting a Tinkerbell “fairy” game to little kids!

Mad Brahms November 30, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=467932]the problem child[/re]: The whole “complex dilemmas with no easy answers” thing is a bit oversold. The answers are actually quite easy. Either be a total asshole and kill innocent kids / support genocide for easy extra troops, or do a shitload of extra work (which rewards you with experience and favor anyway) to actually sleep at night.

Of course, one imagines these choices may look quite different from the perspective of a frothing-at-the-mouth WND reader. SURGE!

Extemporanus November 30, 2009 at 1:34 pm

What’s the Dragon Age of consent for having sex with fairies?

BeWoot November 30, 2009 at 1:34 pm

[re=467926]Einstein[/re]: That’s why WND calls them “editors.”

snideinplainsight November 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm

Yet another instance where a surprise invasion of Space Orcs would own. This and those pathetic tea parties with everyone marching around with breach loaders and powder horns.

Where is Second Life Helen Thomas (SLHT) when you really need her?

Mad Brahms November 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm

[re=467913]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: Anything that isn’t missionary is actually gay. Obviously.

JSDC007 November 30, 2009 at 1:37 pm

Those cyber elf gym queens are trey gay, and always were.

Wingnuts as usual are clueless half-wits.

proudgrampa November 30, 2009 at 1:37 pm

So. What’s this I hear about sex with Jenna Elfman? She’s nice. Sex would be nice with–huh??
Sex between a man and an elf??? Oh. That’s different. Never mind.

Zadig November 30, 2009 at 1:38 pm

[re=467941]Mad Brahms[/re]: The WND editors were really confused when they grew horns in Fable.

lawrenceofthedesert November 30, 2009 at 1:40 pm

I had no idea that Young Abe Lincoln was a gay elf.

JMP November 30, 2009 at 1:43 pm

I’ve gotten the lesbian sex scene, and it’s nothing you can’t see on prime time TV; not “OMG Pron!” as Widgnut Daily insists.

[re=467893]Red Zeppelin[/re]: The elf in this scene is actually bi; you can romance him with either a male or female PC.

Advocatus_Diaboli November 30, 2009 at 1:43 pm

They’re okay with the child killing, genocide and general violence, but teh ghey secks bothers them? Yeah, I guess that sounds about right.

PsycGirl November 30, 2009 at 1:45 pm

WND demands a version with a virtual Westboro Baptist Church complete with “God hates fags” signs.

rcdl November 30, 2009 at 1:46 pm

GREAT game! I actually hooked up with Alistar, my big burly tank top man instead of the bottom queen Zev.

Mr Blifil November 30, 2009 at 1:48 pm

No cunts were harmed in the making of this video game.

Humpback November 30, 2009 at 1:50 pm

You know, elves are not human. So it cannot be gay sex, since they are not even the same species. Bestiality maybe. So it’s OK.

Internally valid November 30, 2009 at 1:52 pm

[re=467930]JesusButter[/re]: Dragon Age: Origins

Oh, and the most offensive thing about this WND post is that they misidentify Zevran as a Warrior Elf when he is obviously of the Rogue class.

Mad Brahms November 30, 2009 at 1:57 pm

[re=467990]Internally valid[/re]: Insert backstab joke here.

populucious November 30, 2009 at 2:07 pm

One of my responsibilities is dealing w/ wingnuts..ahem..patrons who complain about the content of movies they check out. Over and over again we get complaints about the sex! The SEX! THE SEX! They will check out a film full of two non-stop hours of violence, mayhem, blood spatter and gore, but bring it in hysterical and trembling over a 32 second sex scene.

And always, their tears are for the children…The Children…OH MY GOD WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

And so, fellow Wonketeers, please allow me to share with you what I have always longed to say to them: Almost all people will have sex at some point in their lifetimes, and none of us who are here would exist if not for…SEX. Almost no people, at all, ever, disembowel, behead, shoot, stab or otherwise maim or destroy another person. If you let your kids play this game, you are shitty parents. The game isn’t shitty…it exists for adults. But YOU, personally, are shitty if you see something intended for grownups and think it should be banned because you don’t have the cohones to tell your kids they shouldn’t have something that wasn’t intended for them.

Thank you…back to business

KilgoreTrout_XL November 30, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Um, I don’t have a level 15 elven arcane warrior/shapeshifting Mage (specced deep into the fire and spirit trees) and who recently banged the slutty elven assassin dude.

I AM A REAL AMERICAN AND WOULD NEVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE IN A VIDEO GAME I JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT THANK YOU.

chascates November 30, 2009 at 2:14 pm

The best comment from the YouTube clip:

“I wish you could have sex with the dog.”

mumblyjoe November 30, 2009 at 2:15 pm

You’ll note that they focused on the elf job you can get from Zevran rather than the hot lesbian sex you can have with the faux-french spy/bard/choir girl in the same game. Or, for that matter, the foursome with the two aforementioned and a pirate lady. Why? Because dudes with dudes is grosser, and therefore evil-er, while multiple ladies is always kinda hot. Not that these people are also a sexist, of course. No, sir.

Also: is it really sex if everyone keeps their underpants on? Inquiring minds want to know. It seems more like the gay sex equivalent of a side-hug, honestly.

Flanders November 30, 2009 at 2:16 pm

[re=467990]Internally valid[/re]: Insert “going rogue” jokes here…

KilgoreTrout_XL November 30, 2009 at 2:23 pm

[re=468052]mumblyjoe[/re]:

I’m more surprised he wasn’t pissed about the achievement you get when you do lay the elf rogue: “Easy Lover”. Made me laugh.

eclecticbrotha November 30, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=467909]hockeymom[/re]: Question: if I blow your mind does that make me gay?

This news puts a whole new spin on the term “Santa’s little helper.”

Neoyorquino November 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm

This kind of filth goes back years, all the way to Rankin-Bass’s “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Remember Hermey, the gay elf, wanting to be a dentist? (Lean back, open wide, let me stick this in there . . .). Read between the lines!

Egregious November 30, 2009 at 2:33 pm

I’m sure that the tragically closeted wingnuts over at World Net Daily (WND) played that portion of the game several times in order to confirm how sinful and awful and dirty it was.

Bearbloke November 30, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=467913]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: No, no – we call it “show and tell” for a reason… but now I’m wondering where’s my imaginary-gheyseks-videogame, the one featuring Paul Bunyan, Heracles and Grizzly Adams on a special ‘fishing’ trip…

Dashboard_Buddha November 30, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Oh noes…Tiger Woods looks kind of elfin. Could this be his dark secret? Talk about your holes in one!

Balls! November 30, 2009 at 2:43 pm

There’s a nice tranny prostitute in the game as well that so far hasn’t been mentioned.

thefrontpage November 30, 2009 at 2:48 pm

If you visit RNC or LNS headquarters or the C Street house on Capitol Hill, you’ll see various versions of this video game all over the place–according to people who’ve been there (not us, of course). Apparently, everyone at RNC, LNS and C Street play this game, every day, sometimes for hours on end.

Zorg November 30, 2009 at 2:53 pm

[re=468082]Neoyorquino[/re]: And Blitzen? Well, this may come as a surprise for some of you, but Blitzen is Jewish. On the main topic thread, “Mmmmmmm, gay elf sex!”

Mad Brahms November 30, 2009 at 2:54 pm

[re=468107]Balls![/re]: Wait, really? I either missed it or was just so blase about it that I didn’t even care. Or is she the one that offers the crazy-orgy-party?

The thought of medieval sexual reassignment surgery is not a pretty one.

kentuckienne2 November 30, 2009 at 3:02 pm

Is this the same “media” outlet that used find-and-replace to substitute “homosexual” for “gay”, thus describing runner Jamie Gay as Jamie Homosexual? Have they now resorted to quotation marks to indicate that they find everything about same-sex lovin’ to be “icky”?

Balls! November 30, 2009 at 3:02 pm

[re=468129]Mad Brahms[/re]: In The Pearl there’s a prostitute that’s labeled as “Female” with quotes. S/he’s the one you want.

PsycGirl November 30, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=467977]rcdl[/re]: So Alistar is an EILF?

President Beeblebrox November 30, 2009 at 3:08 pm

[re=467913]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: According to Sully and some other ‘gay’ luminaries, some ‘gay’ sex positions involve fists, poppers, and gas masks. Sign me up.

Mr Blifil November 30, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=468052]mumblyjoe[/re]: They’re such prudes they probably have a problem with double vag because the dicks touch.

Snarkalicious November 30, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=467891]Come here a minute[/re]: Actually, you’ve just stumbled across the central theme of the Republican mindset. Bravo.

Zorg November 30, 2009 at 3:24 pm

[re=468176]Mr Blifil[/re]: I feel you, Bro!

skutre November 30, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=467924]junkscience[/re]:

OMG!! Only ONE of them is an Elf!!! That’s disgusting.

And why does the guy in the background have miniature lightning bolts shooting out of his ass?

bobwurst November 30, 2009 at 3:45 pm

When was young, we would masturbate while looking at National Geographic or pencil drawings of bra models in the Sears catalogue. What’s wrong with kids these days….

wrytoast November 30, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I put on my robe and wizard hat.

Vulpes82 November 30, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Elwyn Tinkleberry, I am SHOCKED!

Vulpes82 November 30, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Elwyn Tinkleberry, I am SHOCKED! Also, what’s with the gay elves having Mike Tyson face-tattoos?

AxmxZ November 30, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Good graphics! A real stocking stuffer. I’ll be in my bunk.

Nigerian Business Executive November 30, 2009 at 4:16 pm

No time to comment! Running out to buy game! Thanks, WND!!

PeggyNoonienSingh November 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm

A cock ring to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them.

covered November 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm

So, at what age exactly did they discover that they were elves?

Mad Brahms November 30, 2009 at 6:01 pm

[re=468215]skutre[/re]: Arcane shielding, maybe? Mages always bring protection.

I am going to go hang my head in shame for that comment now.

WBYeats November 30, 2009 at 6:18 pm

I’m so glad you’re back.

Dashboard_Buddha November 30, 2009 at 7:11 pm

Props to Bioware for breaking a barrier of some kind. But seriously…do gay men talk like this when they’re on the make?

“Mmmm, that’s quite an offer, especially coming from another man – if we are both speaking of the same thing.”

Gag.

schvitzatura November 30, 2009 at 9:33 pm

[re=468366]covered[/re]: The First Age of the Children of Ilúvatar…

Long Form Def Certificate November 30, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Why did we think it took so long for the Hobbits to dispose of The Ring? They were stopping at all the waysides en route.

Meet Frodo in the Bathroom, please.

snideinplainsight November 30, 2009 at 10:41 pm

Witness ye now the full measure of elven steel -

President Beeblebrox November 30, 2009 at 11:27 pm

The fuck… I just YouTubed the scene. The elf talks like Ricardo Montalban, and the Grey Warden barks instead of talking. The ‘gay’ sex scenes are boring cutscenes lasting about 15 secs total.

Needs moar cock.

Reefpilot November 30, 2009 at 11:29 pm

Jesus, just when I thought blood elves of warcraft were not effeminate enough. I’d send their little site some undead female rogue “assassin” lesbo action, but it would just go to their private collection and never see light of day.

Franklin Pierce & Pierce November 30, 2009 at 11:42 pm

I am in the middle of playing this game, and the gay elf did indeed just hit my Dwarven Fighter main character. What surprised me was not that the elf was gay, but that he did not have better taste than to be interested in an ugly, smelly dwarf.

Franklin Pierce & Pierce November 30, 2009 at 11:43 pm

Hit ON my Dwarven fighter. You understand, I’m sure.

swgm December 1, 2009 at 12:13 am

So I found it on YouTube and was giggling at the elf’s Rico Suave voice – until the MUSIC started up, and then I laughed so hard I almost tipped my chair over.

horned_viper December 1, 2009 at 9:29 am

This is an awesome game but if the wingnuts want to focus on 10 seconds of a sex scene without any actual sex – or nudity for that matter – they are idiots.

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