AMERICA'S ONLY NON-MUSLIM HOLIDAY  10:30 am November 26, 2009

Wonkette’s Children’s Treasury of Traditional Thanksgiving Videos

by Ken Layne

Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await you, the thankful American.

Remember when the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade got fuckin’ rick-rolled?! Neither do we, but we vaguely recall posting this video a day or two after. And what we knew, at that moment, is that Rick Astley and the “Home for Orphaned Goblins” created a New Thanksgiving Day Tradition, perhaps even more important (culturally) than the time that M&M’s blimp crashed into the crowd during the 9/11 Thanksgiving Parade.And finally, our nation’s one & only true Thanksgiving Prayer, by the late artist William S. Burroughs. We’ve been featuring this particular American Prayer at Wonkette since 2006! Never forget, for real. Nobody ever called Burroughs “the next Thoreau,” but maybe they should have ….

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Jim89048 November 26, 2009 at 11:03 am

Jesus tapdancing christ–a half hour and no comments already? Everyone passed out by now, I suppose? Happy Thanksgiving, indeed!

DangerousLiberal November 26, 2009 at 11:20 am

That Sarah Palin video is our family’s new “Alice’s Restaurant.” Although the Burroughs video is gaining quickly.

V572625694 November 26, 2009 at 11:38 am

Thanks for the Burroughs, Ken! The music makes it doubly poignant.

Didja know that Burroughs was the heir to the Burroughs adding machine/calculator/cash register fortune, and that’s why he could travel around the world writing nearly unreadable books, except for Naked Lunch, which is pretty funny?

Didja know that the John Burroughs School, the toniest trust-fund madrassa in rust-belt-capital St Louis, is named after the same family?

I’m thankful today! Thanks for coming in!

Lascauxcaveman November 26, 2009 at 11:52 am

I’m going to say something nice about Sarah Palin. Her video clip was funnier than Burroughs’.

Serolf Divad November 26, 2009 at 11:53 am

Lame… at any rate for the curious here’s the rest of the song that the muppets had started to sing: Fosters Imaginary Friends.

shadowMark November 26, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=467005]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Yeah, if Sarah wants to compete with Burroughs then today Sarah and Todd have to play “William Tell” with each other.

Or in my fantasy it would be Sarah passed out on the couch from turkey tryptophan and Todd will give Bristol and Willow each a can of beer for the holiday and after they drink up the three of them start to giggle and one of them puts an empty beer can on Sarah’s head and one of them grabs a .22 and says “Let’s play ‘William Tell!’” And one of them does and we hear a gunshot and we hear all three of them go silent for a moment and then all three of them say, “Ooops!”

Happy Thanksgiving, America!

S.Luggo November 26, 2009 at 12:18 pm

[re=466994]Jim89048[/re]: Still trying to find an orange for Layne’s crankberry recipe. Maybe I’ll use shavings from a citronella candle instead. Could work out well. citronella oil is an Citronella is an effective repellent for body and head lice.

Lascauxcaveman November 26, 2009 at 12:27 pm

[re=467009]shadowMark[/re]: That would be an appropriately white-trash way for dear Sarah to shuffle off this mortal coil, wouldn’t it?

Not that I would wish death upon anyone who provides us with such horrifyingly gauche yucks with such regularity.

house of the blue lights November 26, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Also.

Brendan M. November 26, 2009 at 12:41 pm

[re=467014]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Though we all want Glenn Beck to die of – at the very least – erotic asphyxiation, while coked out of his mind and with an Obama dildo up his pooper, right?

Flanders November 26, 2009 at 12:53 pm

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Too, also.

SayItWithWookies November 26, 2009 at 12:58 pm

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without William Burroughs’ invocation. He’s shooting his wife in heaven.

TheRealJimbo November 26, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Because I’m a city slicker, I’m not really sure what’s happening to the turkey once it’s stuck upside down in that funnel. Should I safely assume that throat cutting is involved?

geminisunmars November 26, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Well, that Burroughs video has put me in a fine mental state with which to welcome my wingnut step-son and his equally nutty wife. I thought when I married into this family 16 years ago that I was leaving my dysfunctional family of origin behind and joining a healthy one. It must be that I have infected this one.

ez November 26, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Jimbo, three words: “Fargo” wood chipper…

the problem child November 26, 2009 at 1:15 pm

[re=467021]TheRealJimbo[/re]: Death. It’s what’s for dinner.

Junior November 26, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Wait, she has another son named Stryker Brigade? Awesome!

Neilist November 26, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=467003]V572625694[/re]: “that’s why he could travel around the world writing nearly unreadable books, except for Naked Lunch, which is pretty funny?”

And accidently shooting his wife in the forehead during a drunken target shooting exhibition.

That was pretty funny, too. Although not quite in the same way as “Naked Lunch.”

Today, We Are All Headless Turkeys Stuffed Into Bleed Out Cones . . .

. . . Or The Wife of William S. Burroughs.

Same thing, really, if you think about it.

Ken Layne November 26, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Happy thanks-givings, peoples! I am checking in, to make sure no presidents or kings got assassinated, and to ban grinch commenters. Now I must bake some macaroni & cheeses, hooray! Don’t drink and drive. (But *do* drink.)

Cassawary November 26, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am thankful that, unlike three people in my small community in the last 10 days, this economy has NOT (yet) caused me to blow my brains out, walk in front of a speeding train OR jump off a freeway overpass to then be run over by a car! And now I have a great cranberry surprise recipe to boot. Go Wonkett!

SayItWithWookies November 26, 2009 at 2:04 pm

[re=467030]Ken Layne[/re]: Oops — I was just about to post a link to the uncensored Sarah Palin turkey video — having just assumed until I watched it that you wouldn’t have posted the pixillated version. And then say something about having fried tofu and spinach this evening.
Anyway, [re=467021]TheRealJimbo[/re]: should know that there’s an uncensored version out there. And happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Extemporanus November 26, 2009 at 2:14 pm

New holiday tradition: naked lunch.

Happy Wanksgiving you turkeys! Gobble gobble!

fishskicanoe November 26, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Prosit Wonketteers and Happy Thanksgiving!! (I’m having a little pinch of Laphroaig while I wash the potatoes prior to sticking them in the oven.)

Riley Waggaman November 26, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Happy Thanksgiving!

El Pinche November 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Add this latest uncensored retardism to Thanksgiving pile:

Palin says Canada should drop its public health care and follow “Common Sense Conservatism” . I’d like to thank McCain for introducing this jewel to our world.

El Pinche November 26, 2009 at 2:49 pm
El Pinche November 26, 2009 at 2:50 pm
notwavingbutdrowning November 26, 2009 at 2:51 pm

This my contribution to the Thanksgiving table of videos:

“Eat Me” from “A Turkey Called Brotherhood” Summer Camp Thanksgiving Pageant (in Addams Family Values)

bitchincamaro November 26, 2009 at 2:51 pm

I overdid it a little bit last night, was hoping to avoid the hair of the dog for a bit longer. Then I came here. Helloooo Johnnie Walker. Don’t overdo it, sheeple, but please do it. Happy T day. Shit, those fuckers ruined the letter T.

bitchincamaro November 26, 2009 at 3:00 pm

[re=467039]El Pinche[/re]: Hilarious clip. That old fart’s got balls.

imissopus November 26, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=467039]El Pinche[/re]: Dear sweet Jesus that Palin video is awesome. I’m beginning to think that turkey begged to be run through the shredder just to get away from the sound of her voice.

Vulpes82 November 26, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Happy Thanksgiving, Wonkette! Without you, I might actually have to do some work during the week!

loquaciousmusic November 26, 2009 at 4:18 pm

I’m just glad that nobody’s posted Adam Sandler’s stupid fucking “Thanksgiving Song” yet. That thing is so fucking stupid. Seriously.

mollymcguire November 26, 2009 at 4:24 pm

I’m thankful that I am in the CNMI. My Thanksgiving was yesterday. One Holiday down.

peaceofcrap November 26, 2009 at 4:29 pm

It’s wine afternoon on west coast time while the bird cooks. Thanks for providing us with reminders of Palin and Rick, and our junkie-laureate Burroughs.

Joshua Norton November 26, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Once, maybe ONCE, you’d have the common courtesy of reading the comments to your post before writing it so you’d avoid pissing off so many people.

That is all. ‘nother appletini please.

Joshua +4

coochiemama November 26, 2009 at 5:24 pm

I, for one, am thankful this day for stretchy pants.

sludjbunni November 26, 2009 at 6:35 pm

I’m giving thanks for Palin, Beck, Dobbs, and the rest of the clown posse. They’ve turned the GOP into a demolition derby of sterno squeezers. I look forward to their much deserved immolation, especially if I can watch it with the snarkfest that is Wonkette.

Fox n Fiends November 26, 2009 at 7:07 pm

God Bless W.S.B.

Terry November 26, 2009 at 7:19 pm

Gobble, gobble, gobble! Feeling perky after that wine with dinner.

ForTheTurnstiles November 26, 2009 at 8:04 pm

[re=467055]sludjbunni[/re]: Let’s just hope they implode BEFORE they fucking regain Congress and the White House. Or one of them goes full-on McVeigh. &c.


MGBYG November 27, 2009 at 1:31 am

William S. Burroughs also does the voice on Laurie (Mrs. Lou Reed) Anderson’s “Sharkey’s Night”…nicely haunting.

Night all.

artbot2000 November 27, 2009 at 1:50 am

Thing about Burroughs that creeped me out was not just that he shot his wife, but that after he did that, he continued to be a gun fiend, kept guns as pets, almost. Writers aren’t always people you’d like (see: Russell Banks, Ernst Junger, Knut Hamsun), but even so, that’s a bit much.

obfuscator November 27, 2009 at 2:32 am

jesus allah buddah hindu, i’m watching michele bachmann CONDUCT AN INTERVIEW ON C-SPAN2.

LowerdPeninsula November 27, 2009 at 2:41 am

[re=467030]Ken Layne[/re]: Bake mac & cheese? Of what strange manner of food preparation is this bake of which you speak? I hear that this troll called Rachel Ray has alluded to the fact that she can’t bake. Thank ye gods for that.

LowerdPeninsula November 27, 2009 at 2:43 am

[re=467073]obfuscator[/re]: Is she conducting an interview, or is she conducting a monologue that just so happens to be in the presence of a sit-down reporter?

Car Ramrod November 27, 2009 at 9:14 am

Happy Hangover Day, everyone.

Lilybart November 27, 2009 at 9:44 am

FYI, Todd is not joining the family for Thanksgiving at Quiznos. He has to “fix the roof.”

And Auntie Katie was too busy taking the hand-off of Trig at photo=ops that she couldn’t make a traditional dinner so they are going rogue at Quiznos.

and then she started the 5K annual Turkey Trot with the family but quit the race, I kid you not.

your Palin update for today

sludjbunni November 27, 2009 at 10:51 am

[re=467064]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: One of them tries to go full-on McVeigh but blows herself through the roof while “cooking the gruel.” /fixed

[re=467098]Lilybart[/re]: Todd has to “fix the roof?” Heh.

MBritt November 27, 2009 at 2:47 pm

Then to bring joy to my cold heart, right before Sarah’s hideous turkey bleeding video came out, Mike Luckovich’s prescient cartoon summed it right up.

Mr Blifil November 27, 2009 at 2:53 pm

[re=467003]V572625694[/re]: Don’t forget his trenchant contributions to the Clash’s Sandinista.

DustBowlBlues November 27, 2009 at 3:55 pm

[re=466995]bondwooley[/re]: Some of us were too busy cooking and eating to take time out for “our” wonkette, more’s the pity. (is that one word or three? I say it more than I write it) It would have been an even nicer day if we could have shared these videos as a family, and the nearly-five year old could have learned some new words to take to preschool with her. Courtesy the world’s coolest fucking mom morphing into the world’s coolest fucking grandmother.

If I win Powerball (which means I’ll have to get around to buying a ticket), then next year I’ll fly all the wonkeratti to a undisclosed but totally great location, like Paris, but not the one in Texas. We will eat fine food and drink finer drink and make fun of all the sentimental losers who are stuck doing shit with their families. Promise.

DustBowlBlues November 27, 2009 at 4:04 pm

[re=467064]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: “Or one of them goes full-on McVeigh.”

In Texas this time.

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