Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await you, the thankful American.

Remember when the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade got fuckin’ rick-rolled?! Neither do we, but we vaguely recall posting this video a day or two after. And what we knew, at that moment, is that Rick Astley and the “Home for Orphaned Goblins” created a New Thanksgiving Day Tradition, perhaps even more important (culturally) than the time that M&M’s blimp crashed into the crowd during the 9/11 Thanksgiving Parade.And finally, our nation’s one & only true Thanksgiving Prayer, by the late artist William S. Burroughs. We’ve been featuring this particular American Prayer at Wonkette since 2006! Never forget, for real. Nobody ever called Burroughs “the next Thoreau,” but maybe they should have ….

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  1. Thanks for the Burroughs, Ken! The music makes it doubly poignant.

    Didja know that Burroughs was the heir to the Burroughs adding machine/calculator/cash register fortune, and that’s why he could travel around the world writing nearly unreadable books, except for Naked Lunch, which is pretty funny?

    Didja know that the John Burroughs School, the toniest trust-fund madrassa in rust-belt-capital St Louis, is named after the same family?

    I’m thankful today! Thanks for coming in!

  2. [re=467005]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Yeah, if Sarah wants to compete with Burroughs then today Sarah and Todd have to play “William Tell” with each other.

    Or in my fantasy it would be Sarah passed out on the couch from turkey tryptophan and Todd will give Bristol and Willow each a can of beer for the holiday and after they drink up the three of them start to giggle and one of them puts an empty beer can on Sarah’s head and one of them grabs a .22 and says “Let’s play ‘William Tell!'” And one of them does and we hear a gunshot and we hear all three of them go silent for a moment and then all three of them say, “Ooops!”

    Happy Thanksgiving, America!

  3. [re=466994]Jim89048[/re]: Still trying to find an orange for Layne’s crankberry recipe. Maybe I’ll use shavings from a citronella candle instead. Could work out well. citronella oil is an Citronella is an effective repellent for body and head lice.

  4. [re=467009]shadowMark[/re]: That would be an appropriately white-trash way for dear Sarah to shuffle off this mortal coil, wouldn’t it?

    Not that I would wish death upon anyone who provides us with such horrifyingly gauche yucks with such regularity.

  5. [re=467014]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Though we all want Glenn Beck to die of – at the very least – erotic asphyxiation, while coked out of his mind and with an Obama dildo up his pooper, right?

  6. Because I’m a city slicker, I’m not really sure what’s happening to the turkey once it’s stuck upside down in that funnel. Should I safely assume that throat cutting is involved?

  7. Well, that Burroughs video has put me in a fine mental state with which to welcome my wingnut step-son and his equally nutty wife. I thought when I married into this family 16 years ago that I was leaving my dysfunctional family of origin behind and joining a healthy one. It must be that I have infected this one.

  8. [re=467003]V572625694[/re]: “that’s why he could travel around the world writing nearly unreadable books, except for Naked Lunch, which is pretty funny?”

    And accidently shooting his wife in the forehead during a drunken target shooting exhibition.

    That was pretty funny, too. Although not quite in the same way as “Naked Lunch.”

    Today, We Are All Headless Turkeys Stuffed Into Bleed Out Cones . . .

    . . . Or The Wife of William S. Burroughs.

    Same thing, really, if you think about it.

  9. Happy thanks-givings, peoples! I am checking in, to make sure no presidents or kings got assassinated, and to ban grinch commenters. Now I must bake some macaroni & cheeses, hooray! Don’t drink and drive. (But *do* drink.)

  10. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am thankful that, unlike three people in my small community in the last 10 days, this economy has NOT (yet) caused me to blow my brains out, walk in front of a speeding train OR jump off a freeway overpass to then be run over by a car! And now I have a great cranberry surprise recipe to boot. Go Wonkett!

  11. [re=467030]Ken Layne[/re]: Oops — I was just about to post a link to the uncensored Sarah Palin turkey video — having just assumed until I watched it that you wouldn’t have posted the pixillated version. And then say something about having fried tofu and spinach this evening.
    Anyway, [re=467021]TheRealJimbo[/re]: should know that there’s an uncensored version out there. And happy Thanksgiving everyone!

  12. Prosit Wonketteers and Happy Thanksgiving!! (I’m having a little pinch of Laphroaig while I wash the potatoes prior to sticking them in the oven.)

  13. I overdid it a little bit last night, was hoping to avoid the hair of the dog for a bit longer. Then I came here. Helloooo Johnnie Walker. Don’t overdo it, sheeple, but please do it. Happy T day. Shit, those fuckers ruined the letter T.

  14. [re=467039]El Pinche[/re]: Dear sweet Jesus that Palin video is awesome. I’m beginning to think that turkey begged to be run through the shredder just to get away from the sound of her voice.

  15. It’s wine afternoon on west coast time while the bird cooks. Thanks for providing us with reminders of Palin and Rick, and our junkie-laureate Burroughs.

  16. Once, maybe ONCE, you’d have the common courtesy of reading the comments to your post before writing it so you’d avoid pissing off so many people.

    That is all. ‘nother appletini please.

    Joshua +4

  17. I’m giving thanks for Palin, Beck, Dobbs, and the rest of the clown posse. They’ve turned the GOP into a demolition derby of sterno squeezers. I look forward to their much deserved immolation, especially if I can watch it with the snarkfest that is Wonkette.

  18. [re=467055]sludjbunni[/re]: Let’s just hope they implode BEFORE they fucking regain Congress and the White House. Or one of them goes full-on McVeigh. &c.


  19. Thing about Burroughs that creeped me out was not just that he shot his wife, but that after he did that, he continued to be a gun fiend, kept guns as pets, almost. Writers aren’t always people you’d like (see: Russell Banks, Ernst Junger, Knut Hamsun), but even so, that’s a bit much.

  20. [re=467030]Ken Layne[/re]: Bake mac & cheese? Of what strange manner of food preparation is this bake of which you speak? I hear that this troll called Rachel Ray has alluded to the fact that she can’t bake. Thank ye gods for that.

  21. [re=467073]obfuscator[/re]: Is she conducting an interview, or is she conducting a monologue that just so happens to be in the presence of a sit-down reporter?

  22. FYI, Todd is not joining the family for Thanksgiving at Quiznos. He has to “fix the roof.”

    And Auntie Katie was too busy taking the hand-off of Trig at photo=ops that she couldn’t make a traditional dinner so they are going rogue at Quiznos.

    and then she started the 5K annual Turkey Trot with the family but quit the race, I kid you not.

    your Palin update for today

  23. [re=467064]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: One of them tries to go full-on McVeigh but blows herself through the roof while “cooking the gruel.” /fixed

    [re=467098]Lilybart[/re]: Todd has to “fix the roof?” Heh.

  24. [re=466995]bondwooley[/re]: Some of us were too busy cooking and eating to take time out for “our” wonkette, more’s the pity. (is that one word or three? I say it more than I write it) It would have been an even nicer day if we could have shared these videos as a family, and the nearly-five year old could have learned some new words to take to preschool with her. Courtesy the world’s coolest fucking mom morphing into the world’s coolest fucking grandmother.

    If I win Powerball (which means I’ll have to get around to buying a ticket), then next year I’ll fly all the wonkeratti to a undisclosed but totally great location, like Paris, but not the one in Texas. We will eat fine food and drink finer drink and make fun of all the sentimental losers who are stuck doing shit with their families. Promise.

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