FIRST LADY RECIPES  4:17 pm November 25, 2009

Bonus Prescient Recipe: Todd Palin’s ‘Baked Alaska’ Pot Brownies And Beer

by Juli Weiner

In a few Thanksgivings, everyone will be eating First Gentleman Todd Palin’s killer “Baked Alaska” pot brownies for dessert. This is the plot of the movie 2012.

You’ll need:

  • Some friends
  • Brownie mix
  • Planet Earth: Jungles
  • Whatever else

What you do:

Someone buy brownie mix. Tell whatever friend who lives closest to the 7-11 to pick up some brownie mix, they probably sell it there.  If not, don’t be a little bitch about it just drive two blocks to the supermarket. Jesus Christ. Anyway, so you have the brownie mix right? And then you should have already gotten pot. Call your other friend, the one know knows how to make pot brownies. Tell him to come over, bring his copy of Planet Earth: Jungles and also uhh, season one of that show that everyone likes.

You’re playing host, so it’s not like you even have to do this, but move a few six packs from the basement to the garage or on the deck so they’re cold by the time the brownies are finished.

God they are taking for fucking ever.

Some time passes, you’ll need to think of an activity but do not watch the DVD because that is for later. And finally, yes, done. Enjoy the brownies. They do not taste like pot at all, whoever did this did a really awesome job. Definitely plan on finding out the recipe at some point.

Just leave the plates on the table, don’t worry, Sarah will get them later.

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 4:24 pm

Nothing get’s Greta high!

memzilla November 25, 2009 at 4:25 pm

However, you will have to hrvest the marijuana plants from a helicopter to fully savor the snowbilly goodness.

bitchincamaro November 25, 2009 at 4:25 pm

Your stream of consciousness style leads me to believe that somehow “Todd” = “Juli”.

fatherfigure November 25, 2009 at 4:26 pm

This is like some radically edited DFW story.

Barrelhse November 25, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Wookies: Mantanuska Thunder Fuck?

the problem child November 25, 2009 at 4:28 pm

You forgot the part where everyone has another brownie or two because it is taking so long for the first one to kick in and did you get stiffed with catnip or something, why are you buying from your own son anyway? Holy shit, no we didn’t, and then you still forget to watch the video.

Dashboard_Buddha November 25, 2009 at 4:29 pm

What? No meth doritos?

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2009 at 4:31 pm

[re=466738]Barrelhse[/re]: Like I said, you don’t need the serious stuff — something you can get for a reasonable price for a quarter oz. (price varies by region) will do. And don’t have more than two the first hour — they can take a while to kick in, and if you get impatient you’ll be a drooling zombie when the THC finally hits you full blast.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 4:31 pm

[re=466736]bitchincamaro[/re]: That drug really tied the room together.

germansteel November 25, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Make a note to check on Bristol later to make sure she’s not fucking some loser from her high school class that didn’t graduate, like her.

mattbolt November 25, 2009 at 4:36 pm

I was gonna make a crack about how in 2013 or whatever we’d be eating the nachos-and-hatred recipe of whoever Lou Dobbs’ wife was, so I googled her, and… then I found out Lou Dobbs was married to a Mexican? Named Debi Lee Segura? And she goes by… Debi Lee Segura de Dobbs? As in… he has a Mexican who added “property of Dobbs” to her name?

Oh… oh God… all I wanted was a simple piece of information, you’ve just given me all of this unwanted brainfucking, godDAMNIT Google.

El Pinche November 25, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Let us not forget Cindy McCain’s Almond Percocet Pie and wash it down with a custom brew of Michelob Ultra (yuk). Then top it off with her famous freshly made opiut-vanilla ice cream topped Vicodine sprinkles.

Joshua Norton November 25, 2009 at 4:40 pm

[re=466739]the problem child[/re]: Been there. Done that. Also works well with several fistfulls in a vat of spaghetti sauce. Also.

Click November 25, 2009 at 4:41 pm

I’m thinking Todd’s brownies are more like a couple pair of skivvies with skid marks.

thesheriffisnear November 25, 2009 at 4:41 pm

Mooshy mooshy…

S.Luggo November 25, 2009 at 4:43 pm

“Bonus?” Hah. You’re covering. Which embassy is Newell seeking refuge in?

Kathryn. November 25, 2009 at 4:46 pm

Might I also recommend having that Planet Earth episode on HD and a projector with which to project it onto a wall.

Best. Day. Ever.

Come here a minute November 25, 2009 at 4:52 pm

I keep clicking the play button but the video won’t play! I want to know if the First Dude abides.

NiceButStupid November 25, 2009 at 4:55 pm

[First] Dude! These brownies are awesome, [First] Dude! I am so baked, I think that hot chick just winked at me. [First] DUDE!

Terry November 25, 2009 at 5:03 pm

You’re off base on this one. In Wasilla, it’s crystal meth and a ride through the Taco Bell drive through.

vitira November 25, 2009 at 5:07 pm

I am awaiting the Wonkette cookbook. For serious, I’m Jewish and I’d give it as a Christmas gift.

rocktonsammy November 25, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Trig needs to be saved and gotten the hell out of there while hes young.

Rodney Badger November 25, 2009 at 5:24 pm

You have to simmer the pot in butter for about 15 minutes before adding it to the mix. That’s the Big Secret. It’s not hard. Stoners can do it.

SmutBoffin November 25, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Next up, the Johnston family freebase recipe.

Rusty Shackleford November 25, 2009 at 5:46 pm

Add a bag of ‘shrooms to the mix, then pop Apocalypse Now into the DVD player. You’ll swear the helicopters are landing in your living room. Hey, it worked for me!

ShortShadey November 25, 2009 at 6:10 pm

Todd’s actually prettier than Greta.

El Pinche November 25, 2009 at 6:14 pm

[re=466809]ShortShadey[/re]: I’d rather make sweet sweet love to a Zsu Zsu pet before Gre..blaarrgh.. ta.

EdFlinstone November 25, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Personally I think this is the goods Levi has on Snowbilly. These two are regulary pot smokers. Im mean you gotta be really baked to name your daughter after the ESPN city, and your sons Track and Trig Van Palin.

What Fresh Hell is This? November 25, 2009 at 6:34 pm

I saw a clip of this Greta woman on The Daily Show, since my teevee doesn’t get Fox. Bad plastic surgery is turning her into a Klingon.

BlueStateLibtard November 25, 2009 at 6:46 pm

Wow, Todd can talk?

Barrelhse November 25, 2009 at 6:46 pm

[re=466743]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, god- I’m ALREADY a drooling zombie, and haven’t made them yet! Maybe they’ll cure that?

Barrelhse November 25, 2009 at 6:48 pm

[re=466809]ShortShadey[/re]: Jesus, I thought that was his lead dog.

ProfessorJukes November 25, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Do NOT drive your snowmobile after the brownies. Not you couldn’t because, dude, you’re fuckin’ awesome, but the state cops are all pissy now, not like they used to be, so better just like, watch a snowmobilin’ video.

osama bin drinkin November 25, 2009 at 7:08 pm

I do hate to admit this, but I think I am developing a schoolboy crush on Juli W. Too awful for words, I know.

Snarkalicious November 25, 2009 at 7:51 pm

[re=466748]mattbolt[/re]: ‘de’ can mean a few things, actually. My take on the most likely translation is Debbie Lee: Safe from Dobbs. As in, those blowjobs make her so.

proudgrampa November 25, 2009 at 7:55 pm

Whatever you do. If you serve these things at a party, for GOD’S SAKE put a sign by them or something that says “Speoial Brownies.” As an advisory. I’m serious. Really.

imissopus November 25, 2009 at 8:00 pm

Juli, were you eating these brownies the day you cooked up that fake marriage announcement scheme?

proudgrampa November 25, 2009 at 8:08 pm

[re=466851]proudgrampa[/re]: THAT was Special.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Anita Cocktail November 25, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Geez, isn’t anyone going to comment on Greta’s snap-on “hair”? Yeesh. Did she botox that, too?

Pithaughn November 25, 2009 at 8:25 pm

Look, it’s only been 40 years, remember? I Love You, Alice B. Toklas!

the problem child November 25, 2009 at 8:31 pm

I really do like the Big Lebowski reference from TPM as well, also too.

risqueclay November 25, 2009 at 8:32 pm

Greta: Come heah Todd. I gibbs you a nickle to bust up this heah chiffarobe.

chascates November 25, 2009 at 9:52 pm

Just make sure you manicure it well and use a grinder if you have one.

PineyWoodster November 25, 2009 at 10:00 pm

[re=466791]Rodney Badger[/re]: Most definitely simmer the pot in butter before baking – like Rodney said, that is the key.

Another key thing to remember – when you bake up a pan of pot brownies, make sure that you have OTHER munchie food in the house besides the pan of brownies. Otherwise you are very likely to eat the whole pan at once and wind up twitching on the floor. Trust me on that one.

Barrelhse November 25, 2009 at 10:35 pm

[re=466872]PineyWoodster[/re]: LOL- excellent advice. I have a couple more weeks in 12/12, then it’s wake and bake.

boy_howdy November 26, 2009 at 1:40 am

[re=466872]PineyWoodster[/re]: Very astute. My brother-in-law’s family pranked their parents one time. It was their anniversary. They had no idea that they were being served “Special Brownies” (Props for the That 70s Show reference, btw, which is when this happened.) Parents never suspected a thing. (I assume their kids knew all about the butter sautee.) The brownies were for dessert of course. Nothing else on the table. And so when the munchies set in, there was no choice but to reach for… M O R E B R O W N I E S ! ! !

Next day, everyone blamed it on the champagne. Mom & Dad are lucky that home video was still in its infancy.

I don’t know why the vid link isn’t working, but you can get to it here. Objectively, Todd comes off not too bright, as we already know…but a kindly soul. And harried. Look who he has to live with, after all.

Greta? Brrrrr. I used to hang with a girl who looked and sounded just like her. (Pre-surgery.) I probably would have hit that, but she really needed to make it worth my while and never did.

Incredible just how cloying the phrase “First Dude” can become when Greta becomes obsessed with it. Any truth to the rumors of a Greta/Todd tryst? And if so, what nickname did he come up with for her?

LowerdPeninsula November 26, 2009 at 2:35 am


You forgot the part about having a home telephone present to make hilariously stoned phone calls to the local law enforcement agency about how you feel that you’re going to die. At least, that’s how we do it up here in Michigan.

Brendan M. November 26, 2009 at 1:13 pm

[re=466837]osama bin drinkin[/re]: Always been a Weinersickles man myself, though SKS is cool, too, I guess. Just don’t start posting constant requests for more pics like all the losers here did for SKS (not that it wasn’t funny in an ironic way at first, but Christ).

free November 27, 2009 at 9:47 pm

Greta be like Dynamo Humm with the $40 BILL.

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