first lady recipes

Bonus Prescient Recipe: Todd Palin’s ‘Baked Alaska’ Pot Brownies And Beer

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In a few Thanksgivings, everyone will be eating First Gentleman Todd Palin’s killer “Baked Alaska” pot brownies for dessert. This is the plot of the movie 2012.

You’ll need:

  • Some friends
  • Brownie mix
  • Planet Earth: Jungles
  • Whatever else

What you do:

Someone buy brownie mix. Tell whatever friend who lives closest to the 7-11 to pick up some brownie mix, they probably sell it there.  If not, don’t be a little bitch about it just drive two blocks to the supermarket. Jesus Christ. Anyway, so you have the brownie mix right? And then you should have already gotten pot. Call your other friend, the one know knows how to make pot brownies. Tell him to come over, bring his copy of Planet Earth: Jungles and also uhh, season one of that show that everyone likes.

You’re playing host, so it’s not like you even have to do this, but move a few six packs from the basement to the garage or on the deck so they’re cold by the time the brownies are finished.

God they are taking for fucking ever.

Some time passes, you’ll need to think of an activity but do not watch the DVD because that is for later. And finally, yes, done. Enjoy the brownies. They do not taste like pot at all, whoever did this did a really awesome job. Definitely plan on finding out the recipe at some point.

Just leave the plates on the table, don’t worry, Sarah will get them later.

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Extemporanus

    Nothing get’s Greta high!

  • memzilla

    However, you will have to hrvest the marijuana plants from a helicopter to fully savor the snowbilly goodness.

  • bitchincamaro

    Your stream of consciousness style leads me to believe that somehow “Todd” = “Juli”.

  • fatherfigure

    This is like some radically edited DFW story.

  • Barrelhse

    Wookies: Mantanuska Thunder Fuck?

  • the problem child

    You forgot the part where everyone has another brownie or two because it is taking so long for the first one to kick in and did you get stiffed with catnip or something, why are you buying from your own son anyway? Holy shit, no we didn’t, and then you still forget to watch the video.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    What? No meth doritos?

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=466738]Barrelhse[/re]: Like I said, you don’t need the serious stuff — something you can get for a reasonable price for a quarter oz. (price varies by region) will do. And don’t have more than two the first hour — they can take a while to kick in, and if you get impatient you’ll be a drooling zombie when the THC finally hits you full blast.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=466736]bitchincamaro[/re]: That drug really tied the room together.

  • germansteel

    Make a note to check on Bristol later to make sure she’s not fucking some loser from her high school class that didn’t graduate, like her.

  • mattbolt

    I was gonna make a crack about how in 2013 or whatever we’d be eating the nachos-and-hatred recipe of whoever Lou Dobbs’ wife was, so I googled her, and… then I found out Lou Dobbs was married to a Mexican? Named Debi Lee Segura? And she goes by… Debi Lee Segura de Dobbs? As in… he has a Mexican who added “property of Dobbs” to her name?

    Oh… oh God… all I wanted was a simple piece of information, you’ve just given me all of this unwanted brainfucking, godDAMNIT Google.

  • El Pinche

    Let us not forget Cindy McCain’s Almond Percocet Pie and wash it down with a custom brew of Michelob Ultra (yuk). Then top it off with her famous freshly made opiut-vanilla ice cream topped Vicodine sprinkles.

  • Joshua Norton

    [re=466739]the problem child[/re]: Been there. Done that. Also works well with several fistfulls in a vat of spaghetti sauce. Also.

  • Click

    I’m thinking Todd’s brownies are more like a couple pair of skivvies with skid marks.

  • thesheriffisnear

    Mooshy mooshy…

  • S.Luggo

    “Bonus?” Hah. You’re covering. Which embassy is Newell seeking refuge in?

  • Kathryn.

    Might I also recommend having that Planet Earth episode on HD and a projector with which to project it onto a wall.

    Best. Day. Ever.

  • Come here a minute

    I keep clicking the play button but the video won’t play! I want to know if the First Dude abides.

  • NiceButStupid

    [First] Dude! These brownies are awesome, [First] Dude! I am so baked, I think that hot chick just winked at me. [First] DUDE!

  • Terry

    You’re off base on this one. In Wasilla, it’s crystal meth and a ride through the Taco Bell drive through.

  • vitira

    I am awaiting the Wonkette cookbook. For serious, I’m Jewish and I’d give it as a Christmas gift.

  • rocktonsammy

    Trig needs to be saved and gotten the hell out of there while hes young.

  • Rodney Badger

    You have to simmer the pot in butter for about 15 minutes before adding it to the mix. That’s the Big Secret. It’s not hard. Stoners can do it.

  • SmutBoffin

    Next up, the Johnston family freebase recipe.

  • Rusty Shackleford

    Add a bag of ‘shrooms to the mix, then pop Apocalypse Now into the DVD player. You’ll swear the helicopters are landing in your living room. Hey, it worked for me!

  • ShortShadey

    Todd’s actually prettier than Greta.

  • El Pinche

    [re=466809]ShortShadey[/re]: I’d rather make sweet sweet love to a Zsu Zsu pet before Gre..blaarrgh.. ta.

  • EdFlinstone

    Personally I think this is the goods Levi has on Snowbilly. These two are regulary pot smokers. Im mean you gotta be really baked to name your daughter after the ESPN city, and your sons Track and Trig Van Palin.

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    I saw a clip of this Greta woman on The Daily Show, since my teevee doesn’t get Fox. Bad plastic surgery is turning her into a Klingon.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Wow, Todd can talk?

  • Barrelhse

    [re=466743]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, god- I’m ALREADY a drooling zombie, and haven’t made them yet! Maybe they’ll cure that?

  • Barrelhse

    [re=466809]ShortShadey[/re]: Jesus, I thought that was his lead dog.

  • ProfessorJukes
    Do NOT drive your snowmobile after the brownies. Not you couldn’t because, dude, you’re fuckin’ awesome, but the state cops are all pissy now, not like they used to be, so better just like, watch a snowmobilin’ video.

  • osama bin drinkin

    I do hate to admit this, but I think I am developing a schoolboy crush on Juli W. Too awful for words, I know.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=466748]mattbolt[/re]: ‘de’ can mean a few things, actually. My take on the most likely translation is Debbie Lee: Safe from Dobbs. As in, those blowjobs make her so.

  • proudgrampa

    Whatever you do. If you serve these things at a party, for GOD’S SAKE put a sign by them or something that says “Speoial Brownies.” As an advisory. I’m serious. Really.

  • imissopus

    Juli, were you eating these brownies the day you cooked up that fake marriage announcement scheme?

  • proudgrampa

    [re=466851]proudgrampa[/re]: THAT was Special.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  • Anita Cocktail

    Geez, isn’t anyone going to comment on Greta’s snap-on “hair”? Yeesh. Did she botox that, too?

  • Pithaughn

    Look, it’s only been 40 years, remember? I Love You, Alice B. Toklas!

  • the problem child

    I really do like the Big Lebowski reference from TPM as well, also too.

  • risqueclay

    Greta: Come heah Todd. I gibbs you a nickle to bust up this heah chiffarobe.

  • chascates

    Just make sure you manicure it well and use a grinder if you have one.

  • PineyWoodster

    [re=466791]Rodney Badger[/re]: Most definitely simmer the pot in butter before baking – like Rodney said, that is the key.

    Another key thing to remember – when you bake up a pan of pot brownies, make sure that you have OTHER munchie food in the house besides the pan of brownies. Otherwise you are very likely to eat the whole pan at once and wind up twitching on the floor. Trust me on that one.

  • Barrelhse

    [re=466872]PineyWoodster[/re]: LOL- excellent advice. I have a couple more weeks in 12/12, then it’s wake and bake.

  • boy_howdy

    [re=466872]PineyWoodster[/re]: Very astute. My brother-in-law’s family pranked their parents one time. It was their anniversary. They had no idea that they were being served “Special Brownies” (Props for the That 70s Show reference, btw, which is when this happened.) Parents never suspected a thing. (I assume their kids knew all about the butter sautee.) The brownies were for dessert of course. Nothing else on the table. And so when the munchies set in, there was no choice but to reach for… M O R E B R O W N I E S ! ! !

    Next day, everyone blamed it on the champagne. Mom & Dad are lucky that home video was still in its infancy.

    I don’t know why the vid link isn’t working, but you can get to it here. Objectively, Todd comes off not too bright, as we already know…but a kindly soul. And harried. Look who he has to live with, after all.

    Greta? Brrrrr. I used to hang with a girl who looked and sounded just like her. (Pre-surgery.) I probably would have hit that, but she really needed to make it worth my while and never did.

    Incredible just how cloying the phrase “First Dude” can become when Greta becomes obsessed with it. Any truth to the rumors of a Greta/Todd tryst? And if so, what nickname did he come up with for her?

  • LowerdPeninsula


    You forgot the part about having a home telephone present to make hilariously stoned phone calls to the local law enforcement agency about how you feel that you’re going to die. At least, that’s how we do it up here in Michigan.

  • Brendan M.

    [re=466837]osama bin drinkin[/re]: Always been a Weinersickles man myself, though SKS is cool, too, I guess. Just don’t start posting constant requests for more pics like all the losers here did for SKS (not that it wasn’t funny in an ironic way at first, but Christ).

  • free

    Greta be like Dynamo Humm with the $40 BILL.