FAMOUS FIRST-LADY RECIPES  2:50 pm November 25, 2009

Betty Ford’s Chocolate Cake Thing Involves A Lot Of Sleeping And Hanging Out In The Freezer

by Juli Weiner

That is Betty Ford on the left, holding baby Trig. She looks so young!
Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor.

Grab the following:

6 eggs
1 angel food cake
12 oz. chocolate chips
4 tb. of sugar
6 tb. of water
2 ts. vanilla
1 ts. salt
2 c. whipping cream

12 steps to dessert fun:

Get a cake pan, it should measure 9 x 9, so it should look like a square. Line it with “wax paper,” which people… buy.. at.. hardware stores (?). Cut up the angel food cake, use a spoon or plastic spatula or some dull edge—NO ONE LIKES A PROBLEM—and place it in the pan. Separate the eggs and beat the yolks until they have reached a Bellini-like coloring and consistency.

Melt the chocolate in a double boiler over water. Ask someone what a double boiler is. Have that person boil the chocolate. Squeeze that person’s waist inappropriately, wink, and walk out of the room to lie down. Using your hands to make sure the floor is still there, come back to the kitchen and add sugar and water and mix, and then add in egg yolks too. Beat it awhile more, just beat it until you feel like you’re losing control, and then sit for awhile and come back and beat it some more and then let it cool. “Just be cool,” you’ll say aloud, “to the dessert.”

Add vanilla and salt, get the person who found the boiler and ask them why this is the single most complicated recipe on Earth. You’re not even HUNGRY. You just ate yesterday.  Mix again, beat the egg whites and fold them into the chocolate and then add the whip cream, which you also should have beaten, because you have to do everything. Everything’s on your shoulders, all the time, just like this constant weight. Spread the frosting around the cake part and put it in the refrigerator overnight. Sleep slumped up against the refrigerator, so you’ll be able to tell if anything goes wrong.


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Humpback November 25, 2009 at 2:56 pm

Best. Recipe. Ever.

I won’t cook it, but I will watch rapt anyone who does.

SnarkittySnarkSnark November 25, 2009 at 2:57 pm

This is great… more plez

NixonNow November 25, 2009 at 2:57 pm

screw this. i’m going to ihop.

slappypaddy November 25, 2009 at 2:58 pm

4 tubs of sugar?
6 tubs of water?
2 tizzies of vanilla?
1 tizzy of salt?
2 seas of whipping cream?

we’ll be able to feed the whole battalion, and dance while we do it!

happy thanksgiving, graceless maidens, i’ll see you in my dreams, we’ll perambulate to better days…

Whitey Did Katrina November 25, 2009 at 2:58 pm

I’ve often slept against the fridge. It would be nice to have a reason, other than “What the fuck?”

AbstinenceOnly Ed November 25, 2009 at 2:59 pm

I think I saw this acted out at CakeFarts.com.

Click November 25, 2009 at 3:01 pm

And speaking of first lady recipes – that half-baked Laura Bush is a killer!

bitchincamaro November 25, 2009 at 3:05 pm

It’s waxed paper; like popped corn; iced cream; fucked up.

Jim89048 November 25, 2009 at 3:06 pm

needs moar Nyquil

Manos: Hands of Fate November 25, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Shouldn’t this half like a half bottle of rum thrown in so know one can tell how badly you fucked it up?

WarAndG November 25, 2009 at 3:07 pm

A DOUBLE BOILER is 424 degrees or two shots in my beer.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Juli, this is so good, I want to put my weinersicle in your chocolate icebox.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2009 at 3:08 pm

I don’t know how well that recipe works, but my pot brownie recipe gets me through almost any family-related holiday. Just take one or two before you see the folks, and continue with one every six to eight hours as needed throughout the weekend.

freakishlystrong November 25, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Juli, these are great-and, you did-ded an alt text! With Trig in it! It truly will be a fabby Thanksgiving after all!

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=466632]freakishlystrong[/re]: Special needs feet are really quite delicious.

Carrie_Okie November 25, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=466629]WarAndG[/re]: Hiyo!

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 25, 2009 at 3:23 pm

I find it hard to believe that this is Betty Ford’s recipe, as there is no requirement to take a shot or bourbon at each step.

AnnieGetYourFun November 25, 2009 at 3:28 pm

My alcoholic family and I would get just about to the point where we had assembled one or two of the ingredients on the counter, and then we’d pass out, probably on the counter rather than against the fridge. Just ‘cuz.

Mahousu November 25, 2009 at 3:30 pm

In case you’re wondering, this is the freezer that Betty Ford spent all her time hanging around.

Barrelhse November 25, 2009 at 3:30 pm

[re=466631]SayItWithWookies[/re]: cannabutter?

Sharkey November 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Can I just eat the freaking angel food cake and chocolate chips? I mean, come ON.

S.Luggo November 25, 2009 at 3:38 pm

“… a Bellini-like coloring and consistency.”
Not working for me. http://www.abcgallery.com/B/bellini/bellini72.html ?

JoeMac November 25, 2009 at 3:38 pm

You left out the cup of weed, after all we are talking about Betty Ford.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=466657]Barrelhse[/re]: Oil, actually. My cheap way is just to make it using a boxed mix, which usually calls for an egg and 2/3 cup of oil. I stem & seed a quarter oz. of decent weed (the kind bud isn’t really necessary) and saute it in the amount of oil called for by the recipe under LOW heat for about half an hour, mashing with a spoon all the while. Use low heat, because if the weed turns brown, it’s denaturing the THC and the effect won’t be nearly as strong — it should still be green by the time you’re done.
Then just follow the recipe on the box, using the oil + weed instead of the oil. You can filter out the weed if you want, but I usually leave it in.

Accordion-o-rama November 25, 2009 at 3:46 pm

Caption: Jerry left dumbfounded as Michael’s concise reasoning prevails yet again

Holybalheadedchrist November 25, 2009 at 3:56 pm

I like my holiday desserts flavored like rum and coke. Pretty easy ratio, too. You really can’t fuck that up and the “dessert” lasts a lot longer than just some damn cake in my mouth.

Gorillionaire November 25, 2009 at 4:07 pm

That little family looks adorable.
One day that kid would grow up to shake hands with George Harrison.

thesheriffisnear November 25, 2009 at 4:10 pm

Anything but fruitcake, puleeze

ericblair November 25, 2009 at 4:14 pm

I am somewhat fascinated by Jerry Ford’s hair. What year was this taken, 1913?

Uncle Glenny November 25, 2009 at 4:23 pm

That picture is a fake. I’m pretty sure that’s an IKEA table, so it has to be from the 1990s, bought by homos like me.

depraved indifference engine November 25, 2009 at 6:35 pm

I’m like a chocoholic, except for booze.

ThePerfesser November 25, 2009 at 7:20 pm

[re=466719]ericblair[/re]: Figuring that’s Michael being the older kid and Jack being the baby, they took that picture in 1952 or 1953. I think the Fords were still living down in Shirlington at that time. Note the parcade floor.

Forgive my lack of snark, but dammit, they are and were absolutely the nicest people EVER to inhabit political Washington.

Paul Tardy November 25, 2009 at 9:13 pm

So to make this cake you start off with a cake? Would this be an enhanced cake, or perhaps a recycled cake if you were not going to use the angel food cake?

This is kind of like Big Os Administration. Start off with an inherited policy, chop it up, break some eggs(you know the cliche), add the secret ingredient chocolate and you have … a big chocolate mess, but basically the same as the original.

LowerdPeninsula November 26, 2009 at 2:17 am

[re=466866]Paul Tardy[/re]: “This is kind of like Big Os Administration. Start off with an inherited policy, chop it up, break some eggs(you know the cliche), add the secret ingredient chocolate and you have … a big chocolate mess, but basically the same as the original.”

Wow, that was so funny…

alkybookworm November 26, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Hey, I’m no expert, but I’ve seen enough puking kids (the lovely Ms. alkybookworm is not what you would a chef) to know those two are getting ready to hurl big time.

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