Betty Ford’s Chocolate Cake Thing Involves A Lot Of Sleeping And Hanging Out In The Freezer

  famous first-lady recipes

That is Betty Ford on the left, holding baby Trig. She looks so young!
Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor.

Grab the following:

6 eggs
1 angel food cake
12 oz. chocolate chips
4 tb. of sugar
6 tb. of water
2 ts. vanilla
1 ts. salt
2 c. whipping cream

12 steps to dessert fun:

Get a cake pan, it should measure 9 x 9, so it should look like a square. Line it with “wax paper,” which people… buy.. at.. hardware stores (?). Cut up the angel food cake, use a spoon or plastic spatula or some dull edge—NO ONE LIKES A PROBLEM—and place it in the pan. Separate the eggs and beat the yolks until they have reached a Bellini-like coloring and consistency.

Melt the chocolate in a double boiler over water. Ask someone what a double boiler is. Have that person boil the chocolate. Squeeze that person’s waist inappropriately, wink, and walk out of the room to lie down. Using your hands to make sure the floor is still there, come back to the kitchen and add sugar and water and mix, and then add in egg yolks too. Beat it awhile more, just beat it until you feel like you’re losing control, and then sit for awhile and come back and beat it some more and then let it cool. “Just be cool,” you’ll say aloud, “to the dessert.”

Add vanilla and salt, get the person who found the boiler and ask them why this is the single most complicated recipe on Earth. You’re not even HUNGRY. You just ate yesterday.  Mix again, beat the egg whites and fold them into the chocolate and then add the whip cream, which you also should have beaten, because you have to do everything. Everything’s on your shoulders, all the time, just like this constant weight. Spread the frosting around the cake part and put it in the refrigerator overnight. Sleep slumped up against the refrigerator, so you’ll be able to tell if anything goes wrong.

[RecipeSource]

Related

 
Related video

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

35 comments

  1. slappypaddy

    4 tubs of sugar?
    6 tubs of water?
    2 tizzies of vanilla?
    1 tizzy of salt?
    2 seas of whipping cream?

    we’ll be able to feed the whole battalion, and dance while we do it!

    happy thanksgiving, graceless maidens, i’ll see you in my dreams, we’ll perambulate to better days…

  2. Whitey Did Katrina

    I’ve often slept against the fridge. It would be nice to have a reason, other than “What the fuck?”

  3. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Shouldn’t this half like a half bottle of rum thrown in so know one can tell how badly you fucked it up?

  4. SayItWithWookies

    I don’t know how well that recipe works, but my pot brownie recipe gets me through almost any family-related holiday. Just take one or two before you see the folks, and continue with one every six to eight hours as needed throughout the weekend.

  5. freakishlystrong

    Juli, these are great-and, you did-ded an alt text! With Trig in it! It truly will be a fabby Thanksgiving after all!

  6. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I find it hard to believe that this is Betty Ford’s recipe, as there is no requirement to take a shot or bourbon at each step.

  7. AnnieGetYourFun

    My alcoholic family and I would get just about to the point where we had assembled one or two of the ingredients on the counter, and then we’d pass out, probably on the counter rather than against the fridge. Just ‘cuz.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    [re=466657]Barrelhse[/re]: Oil, actually. My cheap way is just to make it using a boxed mix, which usually calls for an egg and 2/3 cup of oil. I stem & seed a quarter oz. of decent weed (the kind bud isn’t really necessary) and saute it in the amount of oil called for by the recipe under LOW heat for about half an hour, mashing with a spoon all the while. Use low heat, because if the weed turns brown, it’s denaturing the THC and the effect won’t be nearly as strong — it should still be green by the time you’re done.
    Then just follow the recipe on the box, using the oil + weed instead of the oil. You can filter out the weed if you want, but I usually leave it in.

  9. Holybalheadedchrist

    I like my holiday desserts flavored like rum and coke. Pretty easy ratio, too. You really can’t fuck that up and the “dessert” lasts a lot longer than just some damn cake in my mouth.

  10. Gorillionaire

    That little family looks adorable.
    One day that kid would grow up to shake hands with George Harrison.

  11. Uncle Glenny

    That picture is a fake. I’m pretty sure that’s an IKEA table, so it has to be from the 1990s, bought by homos like me.

  12. ThePerfesser

    [re=466719]ericblair[/re]: Figuring that’s Michael being the older kid and Jack being the baby, they took that picture in 1952 or 1953. I think the Fords were still living down in Shirlington at that time. Note the parcade floor.

    Forgive my lack of snark, but dammit, they are and were absolutely the nicest people EVER to inhabit political Washington.

  13. Paul Tardy

    So to make this cake you start off with a cake? Would this be an enhanced cake, or perhaps a recycled cake if you were not going to use the angel food cake?

    This is kind of like Big Os Administration. Start off with an inherited policy, chop it up, break some eggs(you know the cliche), add the secret ingredient chocolate and you have … a big chocolate mess, but basically the same as the original.

  14. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=466866]Paul Tardy[/re]: “This is kind of like Big Os Administration. Start off with an inherited policy, chop it up, break some eggs(you know the cliche), add the secret ingredient chocolate and you have … a big chocolate mess, but basically the same as the original.”

    Wow, that was so funny…

  15. alkybookworm

    Hey, I’m no expert, but I’ve seen enough puking kids (the lovely Ms. alkybookworm is not what you would a chef) to know those two are getting ready to hurl big time.

Comments are closed.