FAMOUS FIRST-LADY RECIPES  2:14 pm November 25, 2009

Nancy Reagan’s Thanksgiving Offering: Monkey Bread!

by Ken Layne

'And so what happens in this room?'
Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing pill-popping anorexic Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat.


* 1 package dry yeast
* 1 cup or so, of milk
* 3 eggs
* 3 tablespoons sugar
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 4-1/2 cups flour
* 2 Percocet
* 6 ounces butter, room temperature
* 1/2 pound melted butter
* 1 (9-inch) ring mold
* 3 whisky sours


In a bowl, mix yeast with small amount of milk until dissolved. (Remember to do this in a bowl and not just on the counter or whatever.) Add 2 eggs and beat, the eggs. Mix in dry ingredients. Add remaining milk a little at a time, mixing thoroughly. Cut in butter until blended. Take Percocet with first Whisky Sour. Knead dough, let rise 1 to 1 1/2 hours until doubled in size. (You can sit on the floor and lean against the cabinets for this part. No-one will see you crying.)

Roll dough onto floured board, shape into a log. Cut log into 24 pieces of equal size. Shape each piece of dough into a ball, roll in melted butter. Place 12 balls in the bottom of the buttered and floured mold, leaving space between. Take a rest, wash your hands, drink second Whisky Sour. Place remaining balls on top, spacing evenly. Let dough rise in mold for 30 minutes. Brush top with remaining egg. Bake in preheated oven at 375 degrees until golden brown, approximately 25 to 30 minutes.

Drink third whisky sour, fall asleep on floor. Make the negro servants bake dessert.

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dum librul November 25, 2009 at 2:17 pm

I believe the preferred name is “States Rights Bread,” Wonkett.

Click November 25, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Mmmmmmmm….I can smell Nancy’s yeast affection from here!

Serolf Divad November 25, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Wow… Nancy and I must have gone to the same cooking school.

magic titty November 25, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Sorry Ken, Juli’s Jello Jizz Surprise is a way better recipe.

PerhapsSo November 25, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Monkey bread is my favorite hangover cure. The Percocet and whiskey sours would only make it more effective.

S.Luggo November 25, 2009 at 2:19 pm

You left out the part in which Nancy hallucinates that she’s still under contract with Paramount.

Mr Blifil November 25, 2009 at 2:20 pm

With a Cooze Juice Glaze?

nbawriter November 25, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Wait, I thought Monkey Bread is what the Reagans called “Welfare.”

WarAndG November 25, 2009 at 2:22 pm

You throw it against the wall to see if it is done, like feces.

memzilla November 25, 2009 at 2:22 pm

“Place 12 balls in the bottom…”

This is definitely a Republican recipe.

Will more extracts from Mark Foley’s cookbook be forthcoming?

Jim89048 November 25, 2009 at 2:22 pm

Whose faces are on all those green dildos on the table?

doxastic November 25, 2009 at 2:24 pm

You know, that flower really classes up the confectionery dildo behind it.

freakishlystrong November 25, 2009 at 2:24 pm

1 package dry yeast-Nance made this herself..badoom-doom.

kewlguy42069 November 25, 2009 at 2:25 pm

monkey bread freaking owns

memzilla November 25, 2009 at 2:25 pm

[re=466563]memzilla[/re]: However, we definitely do not want to see Craig Vitter’s recipe for Turd Ucken.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 2:26 pm

[re=466564]Jim89048[/re]: HA! (The Supreme Court?)

JMP November 25, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Well, of course Nancy would be depressed on Thanksgiving; with her and the senile one having to act publicly domestic, Sinatra couldn’t come around to knead her dough the way she needed it.

CrunchyKnee November 25, 2009 at 2:27 pm

The repubs should rename it Raygun Bread, in there constant quest to name everything after Ronnie.

comicbookguy November 25, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Serve on a plate with government cheese.

comicbookguy November 25, 2009 at 2:29 pm

And don’t forget to trickle-down your favorite topping!

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Monkey bread is best served with a side of chilled monkey brains.

June Cleaver 2.0 November 25, 2009 at 2:30 pm

OMG I am still laughing and crying, tears still rolling. What a funny post. Happy Thanksgiving my Wonkette friends!

RoscoePColtraine November 25, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Cooking with booze was Ronnie’s fave! His rum balls were a Christmas tradition. The secret: he soaked his balls in rum for a solid week.

Click November 25, 2009 at 2:33 pm

When the chef’s asked Nancy if she would like a toque, she declined saying she already felt a slight buzz from drinking the alcohol produced by the yeast.

sludjbunni November 25, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Monkey bread: Bonzo’s retirement plan.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 25, 2009 at 2:38 pm

“Monkey Bread” is what Mommie would call it when she would felate Ronnie and Sammy David Jr. at the same time.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 2:47 pm

Cheddar, cheese, dough, bread, clams, bacon, cabbage, dead presidents…

Why are so many slang words for “cash” food-related?

bitchincamaro November 25, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=466559]nbawriter[/re]: Excellent. Ha!

freakishlystrong November 25, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=466582]comicbookguy[/re]: Sweet!

bitchincamaro November 25, 2009 at 2:52 pm

And there’s no way that giant head is attached to that teeny tiny skeleton without Photoshop skills.

Click November 25, 2009 at 3:00 pm

[re=466607]bitchincamaro[/re]: God, please tell me she doesn’t have Parkinson’s (I don’t keep up). Mind you I’ve hated the Reagan’s almost more than any other couple who’ve ever occupied terra firma – still, to live out her final years (months?) as a garish Bobblehead would be a bit harsh.

Click November 25, 2009 at 3:03 pm

[re=466602]Extemporanus[/re]: Eat the rich.

SayItWithWookies November 25, 2009 at 3:16 pm

…and if the recipe tastes like shit, blame the Carter administration.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 3:16 pm

[re=466624]Click[/re]: I have an extremely poor diet.

AnnieGetYourFun November 25, 2009 at 3:25 pm

I would attempt to make this, but my astrologer says that this isn’t an auspicious time for me to bake. So, everything will be served raw at my Thanksgiving table.

Accordion-o-rama November 25, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Modern Republicans must agree with 8 of the 10 ingredients on the list.

AnnieGetYourFun November 25, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=466651]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Oh, wow, way to pull it all together! Bravo!

Great Old Ones Party November 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm

On Thanksgiving, let us pray to Reaganus Maximus and all he has done for us…

Ronald Reagan was living proof that there is a sense of Justice in the universe. During his terms as Governor of California and President of the United States, he defunded, deregulated and decimated our country’s mental-health system, also.

And in the end, he lost his mind.

buttsecks FTW

desertwind November 25, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Speaking of dildos — what the heck with that green thing right front and center?

Flanders November 25, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=466553]magic titty[/re]: WIN!

Barrelhse November 25, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=466669]desertwind[/re]: Blingee penises?

Sharkey November 25, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I just went to the store and they said they don’t sell mold, I have to scrape it off of something. Little help?

comicbookguy November 25, 2009 at 3:54 pm

The great thing about this recipe, you can trade it with your Iranian neighbors across the street and have enough leftovers for that nice Nicaraguan couple down the way.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 4:06 pm

[re=466693]Sharkey[/re]: For true authenticity, I’d recommend Regan’s corpse.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 4:08 pm

[re=466711]Extemporanus[/re]: Reagan’s, too, while your at it.

(Fucking sauce…)

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 4:12 pm

[re=466713]Extemporanus[/re]: Check you’re spelling before it get’s any drunker.

thesheriffisnear November 25, 2009 at 4:16 pm

She looks like an apple impaled on a pencil. Oh and I don’t think mommie actually prepared any foodstuffs. She had coloreds for that. I can say that too because I’m, uh, near.

V572625694 November 25, 2009 at 4:17 pm

This must be the “yeastiness” that Dame Peggy’s nameless friend still finds admirable in Obama’s America. Maybe Dame Peggy’s nameless friend is Nancy Reagan. This would explain a lot.

bitchincamaro November 25, 2009 at 4:19 pm

[re=466621]Click[/re]: It’s still alive?!

thesheriffisnear November 25, 2009 at 4:30 pm

[re=466729]bitchincamaro[/re]: Si, as is Abe Vigoda

BeWoot November 25, 2009 at 4:42 pm

In defense of monkey bread: Monkey bread is GREAT. Dough can assume no finer form. That stuff rocks. Served best with strawberry butter, but wonderful served any way at all. And when still warm? Mmmmm good.

Nancy Reagan? Another story. As a “starlet” she was famous for blowjobs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

magic titty November 25, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=466559]nbawriter[/re]: Lovin’ it.

Extemporanus November 25, 2009 at 5:22 pm

[re=466742]thesheriffisnear[/re]: http://www.abevigoda.com

EelPout November 25, 2009 at 5:23 pm

There’a a tasty variation where the balls are dipped into cinnamon sugar.

Or garlic and shredded cheese, if you’re a teabagger.

Zorg November 25, 2009 at 7:37 pm

That photo! The dish with the flower standing up on it, in front of the grey-haired chef? If that’s not a spun-sugar dildo, my name is Sirimavo Ratwatte Dias Bandaranaike!

Radiotherapy November 25, 2009 at 8:03 pm

[re=466789]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=466624]Click[/re]: So that’s why Ronnie got deminted,


Darkness November 26, 2009 at 12:00 am

[re=466647]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Zing!

That was my first awakening to right wing full-frontal hypocrisy, the fact that they didn’t care ’bout that shit in the white house, after mocking sweaters on the previous guy.

LowerdPeninsula November 26, 2009 at 2:08 am

I saw some black girl making monkey bread, willingly, on the television, the other day, and stared in disbelief as I repated “have you no dignity, woman?” over and over and over, again. Seeing as how she continued to make the dessert, my question was answered. The white woman baking with her was having so much fun with said bread…

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