famous first-lady recipes

Nancy Reagan’s Thanksgiving Offering: Monkey Bread!

'And so what happens in this room?'
Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing pill-popping anorexic Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat.

Ingredients

* 1 package dry yeast
* 1 cup or so, of milk
* 3 eggs
* 3 tablespoons sugar
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 4-1/2 cups flour
* 2 Percocet
* 6 ounces butter, room temperature
* 1/2 pound melted butter
* 1 (9-inch) ring mold
* 3 whisky sours

Directions

In a bowl, mix yeast with small amount of milk until dissolved. (Remember to do this in a bowl and not just on the counter or whatever.) Add 2 eggs and beat, the eggs. Mix in dry ingredients. Add remaining milk a little at a time, mixing thoroughly. Cut in butter until blended. Take Percocet with first Whisky Sour. Knead dough, let rise 1 to 1 1/2 hours until doubled in size. (You can sit on the floor and lean against the cabinets for this part. No-one will see you crying.)

Roll dough onto floured board, shape into a log. Cut log into 24 pieces of equal size. Shape each piece of dough into a ball, roll in melted butter. Place 12 balls in the bottom of the buttered and floured mold, leaving space between. Take a rest, wash your hands, drink second Whisky Sour. Place remaining balls on top, spacing evenly. Let dough rise in mold for 30 minutes. Brush top with remaining egg. Bake in preheated oven at 375 degrees until golden brown, approximately 25 to 30 minutes.

Drink third whisky sour, fall asleep on floor. Make the negro servants bake dessert.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • dum librul

    I believe the preferred name is “States Rights Bread,” Wonkett.

  • Click

    Mmmmmmmm….I can smell Nancy’s yeast affection from here!

  • Serolf Divad

    Wow… Nancy and I must have gone to the same cooking school.

  • magic titty

    Sorry Ken, Juli’s Jello Jizz Surprise is a way better recipe.

  • PerhapsSo

    Monkey bread is my favorite hangover cure. The Percocet and whiskey sours would only make it more effective.

  • S.Luggo

    You left out the part in which Nancy hallucinates that she’s still under contract with Paramount.

  • Mr Blifil

    With a Cooze Juice Glaze?

  • nbawriter

    Wait, I thought Monkey Bread is what the Reagans called “Welfare.”

  • WarAndG

    You throw it against the wall to see if it is done, like feces.

  • memzilla

    “Place 12 balls in the bottom…”

    This is definitely a Republican recipe.

    Will more extracts from Mark Foley’s cookbook be forthcoming?

  • Jim89048

    Whose faces are on all those green dildos on the table?

  • doxastic

    You know, that flower really classes up the confectionery dildo behind it.

  • freakishlystrong

    1 package dry yeast-Nance made this herself..badoom-doom.

  • kewlguy42069

    monkey bread freaking owns

  • memzilla

    [re=466563]memzilla[/re]: However, we definitely do not want to see Craig Vitter’s recipe for Turd Ucken.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=466564]Jim89048[/re]: HA! (The Supreme Court?)

  • JMP

    Well, of course Nancy would be depressed on Thanksgiving; with her and the senile one having to act publicly domestic, Sinatra couldn’t come around to knead her dough the way she needed it.

  • CrunchyKnee

    The repubs should rename it Raygun Bread, in there constant quest to name everything after Ronnie.

  • comicbookguy

    Serve on a plate with government cheese.

  • comicbookguy

    And don’t forget to trickle-down your favorite topping!

  • Extemporanus

    Monkey bread is best served with a side of chilled monkey brains.

  • June Cleaver 2.0

    OMG I am still laughing and crying, tears still rolling. What a funny post. Happy Thanksgiving my Wonkette friends!

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Cooking with booze was Ronnie’s fave! His rum balls were a Christmas tradition. The secret: he soaked his balls in rum for a solid week.

  • Click

    When the chef’s asked Nancy if she would like a toque, she declined saying she already felt a slight buzz from drinking the alcohol produced by the yeast.

  • sludjbunni

    Monkey bread: Bonzo’s retirement plan.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    “Monkey Bread” is what Mommie would call it when she would felate Ronnie and Sammy David Jr. at the same time.

  • Extemporanus

    Cheddar, cheese, dough, bread, clams, bacon, cabbage, dead presidents…

    Why are so many slang words for “cash” food-related?

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=466559]nbawriter[/re]: Excellent. Ha!

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=466582]comicbookguy[/re]: Sweet!

  • bitchincamaro

    And there’s no way that giant head is attached to that teeny tiny skeleton without Photoshop skills.

  • Click

    [re=466607]bitchincamaro[/re]: God, please tell me she doesn’t have Parkinson’s (I don’t keep up). Mind you I’ve hated the Reagan’s almost more than any other couple who’ve ever occupied terra firma – still, to live out her final years (months?) as a garish Bobblehead would be a bit harsh.

  • Click

    [re=466602]Extemporanus[/re]: Eat the rich.

  • SayItWithWookies

    …and if the recipe tastes like shit, blame the Carter administration.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=466624]Click[/re]: I have an extremely poor diet.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    I would attempt to make this, but my astrologer says that this isn’t an auspicious time for me to bake. So, everything will be served raw at my Thanksgiving table.

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Modern Republicans must agree with 8 of the 10 ingredients on the list.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=466651]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Oh, wow, way to pull it all together! Bravo!

  • Great Old Ones Party

    On Thanksgiving, let us pray to Reaganus Maximus and all he has done for us…

    Ronald Reagan was living proof that there is a sense of Justice in the universe. During his terms as Governor of California and President of the United States, he defunded, deregulated and decimated our country’s mental-health system, also.

    And in the end, he lost his mind.

    buttsecks FTW

  • desertwind

    Speaking of dildos — what the heck with that green thing right front and center?

  • Flanders

    [re=466553]magic titty[/re]: WIN!

  • Barrelhse

    [re=466669]desertwind[/re]: Blingee penises?

  • Sharkey

    I just went to the store and they said they don’t sell mold, I have to scrape it off of something. Little help?

  • comicbookguy

    The great thing about this recipe, you can trade it with your Iranian neighbors across the street and have enough leftovers for that nice Nicaraguan couple down the way.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=466693]Sharkey[/re]: For true authenticity, I’d recommend Regan’s corpse.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=466711]Extemporanus[/re]: Reagan’s, too, while your at it.

    (Fucking sauce…)

  • Extemporanus

    [re=466713]Extemporanus[/re]: Check you’re spelling before it get’s any drunker.

  • thesheriffisnear

    She looks like an apple impaled on a pencil. Oh and I don’t think mommie actually prepared any foodstuffs. She had coloreds for that. I can say that too because I’m, uh, near.

  • V572625694

    This must be the “yeastiness” that Dame Peggy’s nameless friend still finds admirable in Obama’s America. Maybe Dame Peggy’s nameless friend is Nancy Reagan. This would explain a lot.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=466621]Click[/re]: It’s still alive?!

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=466729]bitchincamaro[/re]: Si, as is Abe Vigoda

  • BeWoot

    In defense of monkey bread: Monkey bread is GREAT. Dough can assume no finer form. That stuff rocks. Served best with strawberry butter, but wonderful served any way at all. And when still warm? Mmmmm good.

    Nancy Reagan? Another story. As a “starlet” she was famous for blowjobs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  • magic titty

    [re=466559]nbawriter[/re]: Lovin’ it.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=466742]thesheriffisnear[/re]: http://www.abevigoda.com

  • EelPout

    There’a a tasty variation where the balls are dipped into cinnamon sugar.

    Or garlic and shredded cheese, if you’re a teabagger.

  • Zorg

    That photo! The dish with the flower standing up on it, in front of the grey-haired chef? If that’s not a spun-sugar dildo, my name is Sirimavo Ratwatte Dias Bandaranaike!

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=466789]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=466624]Click[/re]: So that’s why Ronnie got deminted,

    http://alzheimers.about.com/od/typesofdementia/a/Kuru_dementia.htm

  • Darkness

    [re=466647]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Zing!

    That was my first awakening to right wing full-frontal hypocrisy, the fact that they didn’t care ’bout that shit in the white house, after mocking sweaters on the previous guy.

  • LowerdPeninsula

    I saw some black girl making monkey bread, willingly, on the television, the other day, and stared in disbelief as I repated “have you no dignity, woman?” over and over and over, again. Seeing as how she continued to make the dessert, my question was answered. The white woman baking with her was having so much fun with said bread…