Levi Johnston’s Got a Towel Over His Junk

by Ken Layne

Every priest's fantasy ....UPDATE: Really, a guy with his business covered by a big old towel is “not safe for work” now? WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA, etc., but if a nation’s few remaining employed people can’t practice their love on a front-page semi-nekkid Levi Johnston, we will hide the snausage after the jump. NOW BACK TO THE POST: Sarah Palin’s favorite “porn thing” website,, keeps leaking these pictures of Levi Johnston, teen sex model. Why did Sarah Palin let a known gay-pornography star take the towel off his ding-dong and stick said ding-dong into Sarah Palin’s daughter? This is the biggest political story of all time, forever.

Also, sad news from the Levi Johnston family empire: His drug-dealin’ momma is going to prison for three years! Where is Sarah Palin’s compassion for her … whatever snowbilly trash calls their teen-daughter-mom’s boyfriend’s drug-dealin’ mommas? [Mediaite]

Hey man is this where that Brokeback Mountain gets goin' on?

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Hola wonkerados.

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SayItWithWookies November 23, 2009 at 11:58 am

Oh, ick. Nevertheless, still not as unappealing as a picture of Sarah in any state of dress or lack thereof.

hoosiermama November 23, 2009 at 12:00 pm

I like how the picture is in black and white to make it like art. Gay pornographers everywhere, take note!

sleepy November 23, 2009 at 12:02 pm

the bush doctrine in what respect charlie?

Terry November 23, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Well, now instead of being just an f’ing redneck, he’s f’ing redneck who inspires guilty fantasies amongst gay men.

Does Levi think that women read that magazine?

thefrontpage November 23, 2009 at 12:04 pm

YECH! Is that really attractive to anyone? Gross! When the hell is this guy’s 15 minutes up? And when is Palin’s 15 minutes up? When the hell are they all going to just go away?!

JMP November 23, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Oh god I did not want to have to see that on a Monday morning.

The jailing is all your fault, Levi; if you had sucked up to Sarah earlier before she quit, she could have abused her power to get your mom out, just like how she tried to her sister’s ex-husband arrest-; oh wait, I think I see what was going on here.

SmutBoffin November 23, 2009 at 12:06 pm

“…whatever snowbilly trash calls their teen-daughter-mom’s boyfriend’s drug-dealin’ mommas…”

Grandma + meth = Gram-phetamine?

El Pinche November 23, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Zzzzzzzz. Just ass shots?? WHERES THE COCK N BALLS? A perfectly good five inch taint gone to waste.

Redhead November 23, 2009 at 12:09 pm

WHY wonkette? Why would you EVER want to put this on the front of your website?

Though as for “whatever snowbilly trash calls their teen-daughter-mom’s boyfriend’s drug-dealin’ mommas?” wouldn’t Palin just call her “my dealer?” I mean that woman CAN’T be doing and saying all this shit sober.

freakishlystrong November 23, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Yeeecchhh…ew. Gay. Thanks again Walnuts, for foisting this lovely flotsam of White trash Americana on our asses. Icchhh.

Doglessliberal November 23, 2009 at 12:10 pm

[re=464714]Terry[/re]: I heard that it isn’t even a mag anymore, just a website, but same audience issue (not women).

bluemoose November 23, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Yikes, can you put that under the break? Wonkette is essentially NSFW now haha.

pampl November 23, 2009 at 12:11 pm

The Wasillan language has over a dozen words for meth-dealing psuedo-in-laws.

4tehlulz November 23, 2009 at 12:12 pm

OK I guess I’m not coming here until I get off work.

FlownOver November 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Next month: SkoalRebel. The servers are already overloading in sheer anticipation.

SayItWithWookies November 23, 2009 at 12:15 pm

[re=464715]thefrontpage[/re]: Bad politicians never go away. Remember Newt Gingrich? That motherfucker’s still hanging around — and will probably be bloviating on Sunday morning talk shows long after Ashlee Simpson is gone and forgotten.

SmutBoffin November 23, 2009 at 12:20 pm

[re=464731]FlownOver[/re]: To appear with a Copenhagen lid covering his “area”.

JMP November 23, 2009 at 12:21 pm

[re=464732]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Hell, we’ve got Republican convicted criminal politicians that still won’t go away (Coulson, Liddy, North); however, to be fair, all a Democrat needs to do is lose one election and they’re normally never heard from again.

Fox n Fiends November 23, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Ladies and Gentlemen, the next Senator from Alaska…

memzilla November 23, 2009 at 12:26 pm

The junk on the punk should stay mainly in Podunk.

glamourdammerung November 23, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Poor Mr. Layne. Getting back and having this as one of the first things they had to see.

bitchincamaro November 23, 2009 at 12:27 pm

Is that the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike, or just some random airport shitter?

Norbert November 23, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Jesus, they don’t get much sun up there, do they? He looks like the Montauk Monster.

Holden Caulfield November 23, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Of course they made him cover his junk. Meth dick is not very attractive.

RoscoePColtraine November 23, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Oh sweet mother of mercy! I wake up to a beautiful fall day here in sunny Cali-porn-ia, fire up the internet machine and what do I see? My dreamboat, that’s what. Semi-naked. AND if that wasn’t enough, it’s only a month until xmas. Sweet euphoria, thanks wonkette! And to think that beautiful noggin knows stuff that could bring a world of hurt to that cunt, Sarah Palin, who has been mean to him.

Servo November 23, 2009 at 12:32 pm

No “Home of the Whopper” undies? I think he’s tuckin’ it back.

Country Club Jihadi November 23, 2009 at 12:32 pm

I love the shot where he looks like a gay Bob’s Big Boy.

Zadig November 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=464732]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The point of forgetting Ashlee Simpson has already come and gone (I very nearly had to check wikipedia). For my money, I think Newt may well even outlast Palin. Palin’s fankids will eventually get sick of her and leave, as more shit like that book signing ‘scandal’ happens. I honestly don’t think Palin will survive losing her eleventy billion facebook fans. Gingrich, on the other hand, will stick (and has stuck!) around LONG after nobody even wants him anymore.

UncleTom November 23, 2009 at 12:34 pm

The shaved look is definitely not good on Levi…wonder whether he uses the Philips Body Groomer(tm) and if so will we ever see his extra optical inch.

Red Zeppelin November 23, 2009 at 12:35 pm

I think such a relation is called a “meth mama” in Wasilla.

Whitey Did Katrina November 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Great, I look at this picture for like half a second and now there’s a baby growing in my nutsack. Thanks a bunch, Ken!

Mrslulu November 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm

OK, sorry, it looks like he’s extruding that towel.

Humpback November 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm

Wonkette, the answer to your question is “dealer-in-law”.

Dashboard_Buddha November 23, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Horrible thought of the day: What if Levi is Trig’s daddy?

RoscoePColtraine November 23, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Okay, I just watched the whole thing. Sometimes fantasy IS better than reality. I’ll have hotter buns on my thanksgiving table. Levi, why did you go and em bare ass yourself like this? Droopy drawers on a young, strapping buck. From high to low, now I know what it must feel like to be bipolar.

Holding Out for a Hero November 23, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Ok, I’d hit that but I’d feel really ashamed of myself afterward.

coolcatdaddy November 23, 2009 at 12:48 pm

[re=464775]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Another horrible thought:

imissopus November 23, 2009 at 12:49 pm

I just threw up in my mouth a lot.

mightysea November 23, 2009 at 12:49 pm

I am really glad to see this picture of a nice young man drying off his penis.

Monsieur Grumpe November 23, 2009 at 12:53 pm

Thanks Ken.
On a related note.

Snarkalicious November 23, 2009 at 12:53 pm

[re=464714]Terry[/re]: The prosepect of twos of thousands of dollars blinded him to the nature of those who would be spooging on his fotoz.

[re=464724]freakishlystrong[/re]: I revise my previous statement in light of your literary genius. “Foisting on his fotoz,” also.

Come here a minute November 23, 2009 at 12:59 pm

Sarah Palin uses the term, “my granbaby’s granmomma”, for the meth dealing mother of Levi, grandmother of Tripp Easton Bauer CCM Palin Johnston.

Nigerian Business Executive November 23, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=464714]Terry[/re]: I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever in proclaiming that I have elaborate fantasies about him … in which he does not speak, of course. That would ruin the fantasy.

Einstein' November 23, 2009 at 1:06 pm

Brrp! Brrp! Blaaaaaah!

Got a napkin?

tootsieroll November 23, 2009 at 1:10 pm

[re=464710]sleepy[/re]: win

AxmxZ November 23, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Not up to my usual gay pron standards.

engulfedinflames November 23, 2009 at 1:17 pm

[re=464732]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Two words; Dan Quayle. Also, who can forget Anna Nicole Smith, also? I predict an unsightly end for Sarah, Glen and Hannity, see Joe McCarthy, Father Coughlin and Mary Baker Eddy.

lawrenceofthedesert November 23, 2009 at 1:23 pm

I liked Levi better when he was lead singer of the Four Tops.

Fly Over Girl November 23, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Oh, ick. I’ll never be able to masturbate again. And he’s sooooo … white below the waist.

taylormattd November 23, 2009 at 1:27 pm

Well isn’t that disappointing. Still wanna do him though.

engulfedinflames November 23, 2009 at 1:28 pm

“Sin brought death, and death will disappear with the disappearance of sin”.Mary Baker Eddy. Want immortality? Stop being human.

slithytoves November 23, 2009 at 1:34 pm

Okay, I don’t know much about the gehz, but standing in the men’s gym shower with a “come hither” look just about says it all.

GivingForehead November 23, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Mmm. Pasty.

Extemporanus November 23, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Schillinger’s crew is gonna love him.

Lionel Hutz Esq. November 23, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Are you sure that is a towel? Maybe Bristol gave him a really bad STD?

Extemporanus November 23, 2009 at 1:51 pm

[re=464859]slithytoves[/re]: They actually shot it in Standish.

DoktorZoom November 23, 2009 at 2:02 pm

[re=464708]hoosiermama[/re]: “If it’s in focus, it’s pornography, if it’s out of focus, it’s art.” –The Year of Living Dangerously

madtowngooner November 23, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Same story in today’s ADN: One man’s junk is another’s ‘light painting’

Pat Pending November 23, 2009 at 2:14 pm

It’s geh. and meh.

CapnFatback November 23, 2009 at 2:29 pm

I believe we were promised a hockey stick.

Centrist November 23, 2009 at 2:54 pm

Levi Johnson must have shot the shoot and the remainder of his political wad in Alaska..that would account for all the shrinkage

Dean Booth November 23, 2009 at 4:09 pm


rocktonsammy November 23, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Thats Rickey Hollywood?

ericblair November 23, 2009 at 5:21 pm

The nudie shots reveal he’s really just a teenage boy. That’s okay if you’re into that, but methinks he could use a little seasoning.

tiger November 23, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Yeah, totally not up to gay standards. Sorry Levi. Bad body, pasty, and you fucked that nasty can of tuna. ‘Nuff said.

Autochthon November 23, 2009 at 5:47 pm

“So, Levi, do you like movies about gladiators?”

lochnessmonster November 23, 2009 at 6:04 pm

I’m glad he looks really uncomfortable in that shot because I’m uncomfortable looking at it!

ThePerfesser November 23, 2009 at 6:26 pm

So much for the Thrilla from Wasilla.

SpikeyDog November 23, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Oh well, it seems at though they taken Levi off the site.

Jennasaurus Rex November 23, 2009 at 8:04 pm

Um… airbrushing plz. Where is the magic of photo alteration when you need it?

Long Form Def Certificate November 23, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=464775]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I should have copyrighted that… But I have been saying it since Levi was on the dais at the GOP convention with the blood Palins. The way Sarah lingered in front of him, stroking his chin, staring up into his eye, so deeply — something was up, there. It wasn’t just Levi and Bristol sneaking into the teenage sex dungeon at Chez Palin. Sarah was hitting that shit, too.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Palin?”

LowerdPeninsula November 24, 2009 at 12:29 am

Seriously, who thinks that looks good? Dude is doughy messy-looking. If that passes for “hot”, these days, I’ll start being more confident in how I look, because it’s better than that.

zhubajie November 24, 2009 at 1:00 am

So now we deduce he’s hung like a cashew?

zhubajie November 24, 2009 at 2:08 am

[re=465439]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: At least he’s not as fat as a basketball on legs.

LowerdPeninsula November 24, 2009 at 4:57 am

[re=465460]zhubajie[/re]: That could describe hundreds-of-millions of people on the globe. Who should I know that could claim most of the description of “basketball on legs”?

xavan November 24, 2009 at 5:53 am

[re=464868]Extemporanus[/re]: My thoughts exactly. Afterwards, when the wailing has stopped, Keller can seduce the poor boy under the guise of comfort, and then snap his neck in a storage room when he gets bored. Just because he can.

tiger November 24, 2009 at 9:10 am

Anyone ever hear of Bel Ami? He could be they’re new super-star. Except for the cashew. Also.

frumious_bandersnatch November 24, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=465506]tiger[/re]: *Exactly*. That is primo Bel-Ami fodder, right there. And Bel-Ami knows what to do with their cashews: all bottoming, all the time.

I’m for it.

fitz November 25, 2009 at 6:51 pm

He could have at least shown a little neck on his “Moose Plugger”. Could have shown some Scro for the Scrobaggers.

ThePerfesser November 26, 2009 at 2:52 am

So he took off his Levi’s, but failed to show us his Johns(t)on. BFD.

smellyal8r November 26, 2009 at 9:22 pm

[re=465901]frumious_bandersnatch[/re]: Well, in Bel Ami, I just figure the boys’ families are being held hostage just off camera. The Levi Johnston thing is funny because, in some weird way, he appears to be the only “real” one of the bunch. His “writings” in Vanity Fair made me laugh out loud because he was a witness to all the madness. He’s still a f-in’ redneck and it shows in these shots (actually, it shows he’s a teen aged boy who played high school hockey a little bit…nice legs). Reports had it that his manager had him in the gym three times a day for weeks to get ready for this shoot (apparently the stress eating of being a high school dropout working in the oil fields hit his waistline). This is a kid with a lot of problems (mom’s in jail, a kid that eventually the Palins will make him help pay for…I suppose they are looking to garnish all this Playgirl money as “child support”). Sarah Palin sits atop one of the most — if not the most — dysfunctional American families and is praised by crazy conservatives (like my parents). Bizarre.

Cranky Old Batt November 30, 2009 at 12:16 am

Thank goodness I am well past teen aged girl or this guy would turn me gay for sure. Something about him makes my skin crawl. And I don’t think I like cashews anymore. Also.

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