america's least favorite reality show

Levi Johnston’s Got a Towel Over His Junk

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Every priest's fantasy ....UPDATE: Really, a guy with his business covered by a big old towel is “not safe for work” now? WE THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA, etc., but if a nation’s few remaining employed people can’t practice their love on a front-page semi-nekkid Levi Johnston, we will hide the snausage after the jump. NOW BACK TO THE POST: Sarah Palin’s favorite “porn thing” website,, keeps leaking these pictures of Levi Johnston, teen sex model. Why did Sarah Palin let a known gay-pornography star take the towel off his ding-dong and stick said ding-dong into Sarah Palin’s daughter? This is the biggest political story of all time, forever.

Also, sad news from the Levi Johnston family empire: His drug-dealin’ momma is going to prison for three years! Where is Sarah Palin’s compassion for her … whatever snowbilly trash calls their teen-daughter-mom’s boyfriend’s drug-dealin’ mommas? [Mediaite]

Hey man is this where that Brokeback Mountain gets goin' on?

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, ick. Nevertheless, still not as unappealing as a picture of Sarah in any state of dress or lack thereof.

  • hoosiermama

    I like how the picture is in black and white to make it like art. Gay pornographers everywhere, take note!

  • sleepy

    the bush doctrine in what respect charlie?

  • Terry

    Well, now instead of being just an f’ing redneck, he’s f’ing redneck who inspires guilty fantasies amongst gay men.

    Does Levi think that women read that magazine?

  • thefrontpage

    YECH! Is that really attractive to anyone? Gross! When the hell is this guy’s 15 minutes up? And when is Palin’s 15 minutes up? When the hell are they all going to just go away?!

  • JMP

    Oh god I did not want to have to see that on a Monday morning.

    The jailing is all your fault, Levi; if you had sucked up to Sarah earlier before she quit, she could have abused her power to get your mom out, just like how she tried to her sister’s ex-husband arrest-; oh wait, I think I see what was going on here.

  • SmutBoffin

    “…whatever snowbilly trash calls their teen-daughter-mom’s boyfriend’s drug-dealin’ mommas…”

    Grandma + meth = Gram-phetamine?

  • El Pinche

    Zzzzzzzz. Just ass shots?? WHERES THE COCK N BALLS? A perfectly good five inch taint gone to waste.

  • Redhead

    WHY wonkette? Why would you EVER want to put this on the front of your website?

    Though as for “whatever snowbilly trash calls their teen-daughter-mom’s boyfriend’s drug-dealin’ mommas?” wouldn’t Palin just call her “my dealer?” I mean that woman CAN’T be doing and saying all this shit sober.

  • freakishlystrong

    Yeeecchhh…ew. Gay. Thanks again Walnuts, for foisting this lovely flotsam of White trash Americana on our asses. Icchhh.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=464714]Terry[/re]: I heard that it isn’t even a mag anymore, just a website, but same audience issue (not women).

  • bluemoose

    Yikes, can you put that under the break? Wonkette is essentially NSFW now haha.

  • pampl

    The Wasillan language has over a dozen words for meth-dealing psuedo-in-laws.

  • 4tehlulz

    OK I guess I’m not coming here until I get off work.

  • FlownOver

    Next month: SkoalRebel. The servers are already overloading in sheer anticipation.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=464715]thefrontpage[/re]: Bad politicians never go away. Remember Newt Gingrich? That motherfucker’s still hanging around — and will probably be bloviating on Sunday morning talk shows long after Ashlee Simpson is gone and forgotten.

  • SmutBoffin

    [re=464731]FlownOver[/re]: To appear with a Copenhagen lid covering his “area”.

  • JMP

    [re=464732]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Hell, we’ve got Republican convicted criminal politicians that still won’t go away (Coulson, Liddy, North); however, to be fair, all a Democrat needs to do is lose one election and they’re normally never heard from again.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Ladies and Gentlemen, the next Senator from Alaska…

  • memzilla

    The junk on the punk should stay mainly in Podunk.

  • glamourdammerung

    Poor Mr. Layne. Getting back and having this as one of the first things they had to see.

  • bitchincamaro

    Is that the Vince Lombardi rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike, or just some random airport shitter?

  • Norbert

    Jesus, they don’t get much sun up there, do they? He looks like the Montauk Monster.

  • Holden Caulfield

    Of course they made him cover his junk. Meth dick is not very attractive.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Oh sweet mother of mercy! I wake up to a beautiful fall day here in sunny Cali-porn-ia, fire up the internet machine and what do I see? My dreamboat, that’s what. Semi-naked. AND if that wasn’t enough, it’s only a month until xmas. Sweet euphoria, thanks wonkette! And to think that beautiful noggin knows stuff that could bring a world of hurt to that cunt, Sarah Palin, who has been mean to him.

  • Servo

    No “Home of the Whopper” undies? I think he’s tuckin’ it back.

  • Country Club Jihadi

    I love the shot where he looks like a gay Bob’s Big Boy.

  • Zadig

    [re=464732]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The point of forgetting Ashlee Simpson has already come and gone (I very nearly had to check wikipedia). For my money, I think Newt may well even outlast Palin. Palin’s fankids will eventually get sick of her and leave, as more shit like that book signing ‘scandal’ happens. I honestly don’t think Palin will survive losing her eleventy billion facebook fans. Gingrich, on the other hand, will stick (and has stuck!) around LONG after nobody even wants him anymore.

  • UncleTom

    The shaved look is definitely not good on Levi…wonder whether he uses the Philips Body Groomer(tm) and if so will we ever see his extra optical inch.

  • Red Zeppelin

    I think such a relation is called a “meth mama” in Wasilla.

  • Whitey Did Katrina

    Great, I look at this picture for like half a second and now there’s a baby growing in my nutsack. Thanks a bunch, Ken!

  • Mrslulu

    OK, sorry, it looks like he’s extruding that towel.

  • Humpback

    Wonkette, the answer to your question is “dealer-in-law”.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    Horrible thought of the day: What if Levi is Trig’s daddy?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Okay, I just watched the whole thing. Sometimes fantasy IS better than reality. I’ll have hotter buns on my thanksgiving table. Levi, why did you go and em bare ass yourself like this? Droopy drawers on a young, strapping buck. From high to low, now I know what it must feel like to be bipolar.

  • Holding Out for a Hero

    Ok, I’d hit that but I’d feel really ashamed of myself afterward.

  • coolcatdaddy

    [re=464775]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Another horrible thought:

  • imissopus

    I just threw up in my mouth a lot.

  • mightysea

    I am really glad to see this picture of a nice young man drying off his penis.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Thanks Ken.
    On a related note.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=464714]Terry[/re]: The prosepect of twos of thousands of dollars blinded him to the nature of those who would be spooging on his fotoz.

    [re=464724]freakishlystrong[/re]: I revise my previous statement in light of your literary genius. “Foisting on his fotoz,” also.

  • Come here a minute

    Sarah Palin uses the term, “my granbaby’s granmomma”, for the meth dealing mother of Levi, grandmother of Tripp Easton Bauer CCM Palin Johnston.

  • Nigerian Business Executive

    [re=464714]Terry[/re]: I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever in proclaiming that I have elaborate fantasies about him … in which he does not speak, of course. That would ruin the fantasy.

  • Einstein&#39

    Brrp! Brrp! Blaaaaaah!

    Got a napkin?

  • tootsieroll

    [re=464710]sleepy[/re]: win

  • AxmxZ

    Not up to my usual gay pron standards.

  • engulfedinflames

    [re=464732]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Two words; Dan Quayle. Also, who can forget Anna Nicole Smith, also? I predict an unsightly end for Sarah, Glen and Hannity, see Joe McCarthy, Father Coughlin and Mary Baker Eddy.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    I liked Levi better when he was lead singer of the Four Tops.

  • Fly Over Girl

    Oh, ick. I’ll never be able to masturbate again. And he’s sooooo … white below the waist.

  • taylormattd

    Well isn’t that disappointing. Still wanna do him though.

  • engulfedinflames

    “Sin brought death, and death will disappear with the disappearance of sin”.Mary Baker Eddy. Want immortality? Stop being human.

  • slithytoves

    Okay, I don’t know much about the gehz, but standing in the men’s gym shower with a “come hither” look just about says it all.

  • GivingForehead

    Mmm. Pasty.

  • Extemporanus

    Schillinger’s crew is gonna love him.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Are you sure that is a towel? Maybe Bristol gave him a really bad STD?

  • Extemporanus

    [re=464859]slithytoves[/re]: They actually shot it in Standish.

  • DoktorZoom

    [re=464708]hoosiermama[/re]: “If it’s in focus, it’s pornography, if it’s out of focus, it’s art.” —The Year of Living Dangerously

  • madtowngooner

    Same story in today’s ADN: One man’s junk is another’s ‘light painting’

  • Pat Pending

    It’s geh. and meh.

  • CapnFatback

    I believe we were promised a hockey stick.

  • Centrist

    Levi Johnson must have shot the shoot and the remainder of his political wad in Alaska..that would account for all the shrinkage

  • Dean Booth


  • rocktonsammy

    Thats Rickey Hollywood?

  • ericblair

    The nudie shots reveal he’s really just a teenage boy. That’s okay if you’re into that, but methinks he could use a little seasoning.

  • tiger

    Yeah, totally not up to gay standards. Sorry Levi. Bad body, pasty, and you fucked that nasty can of tuna. ‘Nuff said.

  • Autochthon

    “So, Levi, do you like movies about gladiators?”

  • lochnessmonster

    I’m glad he looks really uncomfortable in that shot because I’m uncomfortable looking at it!

  • ThePerfesser

    So much for the Thrilla from Wasilla.

  • SpikeyDog

    Oh well, it seems at though they taken Levi off the site.

  • Jennasaurus Rex

    Um… airbrushing plz. Where is the magic of photo alteration when you need it?

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=464775]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I should have copyrighted that… But I have been saying it since Levi was on the dais at the GOP convention with the blood Palins. The way Sarah lingered in front of him, stroking his chin, staring up into his eye, so deeply — something was up, there. It wasn’t just Levi and Bristol sneaking into the teenage sex dungeon at Chez Palin. Sarah was hitting that shit, too.

    “Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Palin?”

  • LowerdPeninsula

    Seriously, who thinks that looks good? Dude is doughy messy-looking. If that passes for “hot”, these days, I’ll start being more confident in how I look, because it’s better than that.

  • zhubajie

    So now we deduce he’s hung like a cashew?

  • zhubajie

    [re=465439]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: At least he’s not as fat as a basketball on legs.

  • LowerdPeninsula

    [re=465460]zhubajie[/re]: That could describe hundreds-of-millions of people on the globe. Who should I know that could claim most of the description of “basketball on legs”?

  • xavan

    [re=464868]Extemporanus[/re]: My thoughts exactly. Afterwards, when the wailing has stopped, Keller can seduce the poor boy under the guise of comfort, and then snap his neck in a storage room when he gets bored. Just because he can.

  • tiger

    Anyone ever hear of Bel Ami? He could be they’re new super-star. Except for the cashew. Also.

  • frumious_bandersnatch

    [re=465506]tiger[/re]: *Exactly*. That is primo Bel-Ami fodder, right there. And Bel-Ami knows what to do with their cashews: all bottoming, all the time.

    I’m for it.

  • fitz

    He could have at least shown a little neck on his “Moose Plugger”. Could have shown some Scro for the Scrobaggers.

  • ThePerfesser

    So he took off his Levi’s, but failed to show us his Johns(t)on. BFD.

  • smellyal8r

    [re=465901]frumious_bandersnatch[/re]: Well, in Bel Ami, I just figure the boys’ families are being held hostage just off camera. The Levi Johnston thing is funny because, in some weird way, he appears to be the only “real” one of the bunch. His “writings” in Vanity Fair made me laugh out loud because he was a witness to all the madness. He’s still a f-in’ redneck and it shows in these shots (actually, it shows he’s a teen aged boy who played high school hockey a little bit…nice legs). Reports had it that his manager had him in the gym three times a day for weeks to get ready for this shoot (apparently the stress eating of being a high school dropout working in the oil fields hit his waistline). This is a kid with a lot of problems (mom’s in jail, a kid that eventually the Palins will make him help pay for…I suppose they are looking to garnish all this Playgirl money as “child support”). Sarah Palin sits atop one of the most — if not the most — dysfunctional American families and is praised by crazy conservatives (like my parents). Bizarre.

  • Cranky Old Batt

    ICK! ICK! ICK!
    Thank goodness I am well past teen aged girl or this guy would turn me gay for sure. Something about him makes my skin crawl. And I don’t think I like cashews anymore. Also.