Whoa Hey, Dick Cheney Guest-Hosted ‘Hardball’

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Chris Matthews, he’s goin’ nuts. Meh. Most of the “issues” on this laundry list are trivial, gossipy tabloid fodder. The only Serious policy item would have to be, in Tweety’s words, “Why DID he bow to that Japanese emperor?” It’s unclear which of the Japanese emperors he’s referring to. [YouTube]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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62 comments

  1. user-of-owls

    [re=464253]Formerly Fred[/re]: We really wouldn’t know that unless we could see what was running down his leg.

  2. DoctorCulturae

    Mr. Tweety himself often gets so caught up in ‘somebody’s’ inner game real policy concerns get lost. C’mon Chris, health care is on the block. What are you positioning yourself for?

  3. slappypaddy

    “No political system can deliver us from the pain of living, from our fear of death, our thirst for the absolute.” — Eugene Ionesco

    given these premises, it is clear that chris is living in a deathly fearful pain, absolutely parched with an unquenchable thirst. he’s drinking the wrong brew. oxycontin on the rocks and by the bucket is the answer to all his questions. this round’s on me. bottoms up!

  4. Extemporanus

    [re=464253]Formerly Fred[/re]: When is Chris Matthews going to address the rumors that he waped and moorderd a puddy tat in 1990?

  5. AxmxZ

    Blah blah blah breasts blah blah blah Obama’s exposing himself blah blah blah someone come and knock the dicks out of Buttars’ mouth before he loses it!

  6. Paul Tardy

    Ok stop razzing him about the bowing, turns out he lost a world’s series bet. Every body can’t bet on the Yankees all the time. Just not right to.

  7. shortsshortsshorts

    Chris and his hate of KO has led to this scrappy version of the scrappy show “Countdown,” which pretty much makes him the cannon fodder for the cannon fodder. Personally, I blame ratings. Those asshole ratings. They hate your America.

    Aren’t him and KO supposed to hate each other? GOD DAMMIT MSNBC, get your priorities straight.

  8. obfuscator

    “IS HE JUST TOO DARNED INTELLECTUAL?”

    GODDAMMIT, WHY DOES OBAMA THINK SO MUCH? OUR PREVIOUS PRESIDENT NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT A GODDAMNED THING HE DID FOR EIGHT YEARS AND HE GOT ELECTED 1.5 TIMES! DO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE REALLY WANT A COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF WHO THINKS ABOUT THINGS BEFORE ACTING? FUCK SHIT SPITTLE FUCK SHIT SPITTLE SOMEONE CLEAN MY SPIT OFF THIS CAMERA LENS.

  9. obfuscator

    [re=464246]jim newell[/re]: i apologize for my use of ALL CAPS in the above post. blame the cheap vodka.

  10. obfuscator

    [re=464295]Rumproast[/re]: srsly. i was at the obama campaign announcement in 2007 and walked with tweety to the press filing office. jesus pancake makeup christ, he looks like a walking brooks brothers corpse in person.

  11. Neilist

    [re=464274]schvitzatura[/re]: Right comic opera. Wrong song.

    If as someday it might happen
    That a victim must be found:
    I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list.
    Of bloviating pundits who might well be underground.
    They’d none of them be missed, They’d none of them be missed.

    We’ll start with Tweety Matthews, neatly cutting off his head.
    It’s not like he would miss it, ’cause his brains already dead.
    That lumpy bag of Crisco better known as Glen-Duh Beck?
    Can be boiled in his own suet and served up in his own dreck.
    And that hippo-like anomoly with oxycotin stuffed
    Will be Rush-ed to the right place to be run over by a bus!

    Oh, he’ll be flatted by a bus, that awful bag of pus,
    He’ll be flatted like bus that awful bag of pus!

    There’s that Huffy-Puffing-Ton and her self-righteous self-named post:
    I’ve got her on the list, I’ve got her on the list.
    If only for her “marriage” — which was clearly quite a joke.
    And for Hannity and Bill I something cute in mind:
    Think “San Francisco Wedding,” of the Mostest Tender Kind.
    They’ll be bugged like the Greeks between their nice pink tender cheeks
    Such neither will be able to sit down for several weeks!

    Oh, their cheeks will sting for weeks, they’ll think they were both Greeks!
    Their cheeks will string for weeks, etc.

    [I could go on, but mercifully, won't.]

  12. Extemporanus

    [re=464255]user-of-owls[/re]: Chris Matthews obviously had the Wong country in mind.

    Great Leader Chin is the emperor of China, not Japan.

    [re=464288]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: I am Tweety’s chopped and channeled rectum.

  13. El Pinche

    [re=464290]obfuscator[/re]: A REAL all-caps monologue but appropriate in this case. I was yelling at my teevee like a crazy person when I heard him say that. Like the angry libtard that I am, I sent Spits a stern yet courteous email.

  14. June Cleaver 2.0

    Chris Matthews will go down in history as the only person to call Cheney Chee-ny. He was so annoyed one day, because even the Republic “strategist” was calling Cheney “Chainy.” He doesn’t want to admit that his pronunciation is an affectation, but I know he feels like a fool. Ha! Chainy, Chainy, Chainy, you stupid Tweety!

  15. Scooter

    Matthews has a deep deep deep understanding of the 3-foot-wide path of America he travels each week between his house, his studio set in D.C., his Republican family’s house in Philly and various studio sets in Jersey and NYC.

    You know, the important places.

  16. drpangloss

    Et tu Matthews? I’m all for calling Obama out on bullshite, ya know like not ending extrodinary rendition. Bowing to the Emporer of Japan? Seriosly get Chenneys hand out of your ass. Stop taking headlines from BOR too.

  17. germansteel

    Olberman has been gaining on Matthews on the list of liberal tee vee hosts that embarrass even hopeless liberals like myself the most. Realizing that, Matthews is upping the ante on the stupid obcessions. I can’t decide who is more insufferable right now. Olbermann’s ridiculous attempts at voice impressions of Glen Beck and Limbaugh are hard to top.

  18. DoctorCulturae

    So, ala His Tweetiness, must it be that by the tiny wingnut core hanging together, clanging pots and pans, the left’s consensus tears itself apart in a swirl of I-better-take-mine-now-before-they-take-it-away-from-me self-centeredness? Inquiring minds want to know. If so, there airline reservations to make.

    [re=464302]Neilist[/re]: Well done. You sir are bringing new dimensions of meaning to firearm expertise: e.g. Glen-duh Beck, sweet.

  19. Paul Tardy

    Is Chris Mathews selling some sort of collector’s plates (or perhaps medallions)? It looks like those are the first 5 you get, then every month …

  20. Neilist

    [re=464339]DoctorCulturae[/re]: While I appreciate the applause, I am pretty sure that W.S. Gilbert’s position as the Greatest Librettist In History is safe while I’m around.

    (Or perhaps because I’m around. Whatever.)

    But speaking of absurdities: As a registered Republican, can someone explain to me why it is “Bad” for the Great Mulatto Leader merely to bow to the King of the Nips (or whatever he’s called nowadays), while it was “Good” for my party’s last “Chief Executive” to engage in public hand-holding sessions with a wog wearing a dress?:

    http://prophetofdoom.net/pics/Islamic_Clubs_Taliban/George_W_Bush_Prince_Abdullah_kiss_hold_hands.jpg

    “Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger,
    You may see a stranger, across a crowded room.
    And somehow you know, you know even then,
    That somewhere you see him
    Again and again . . . .”

    :::Whoops:: Sorry, wrong musical.

    I suppose it could be worse: If the McCain/Palin ticket had been elected, my party would be having to explain why the Vice President was sucking off the Emir’s camel.

    One hump or two?

    “Some enchanted evening . . . .”

  21. Jim89048

    Tweety has done something absolutely nobody else has been able to do, ever: gotten me to switch over to Fox, ever so briefly, for Shep Smith. After the way Tweety treated Bill Clinton, I never shoulda given him a second chance anyway…

  22. sati demise

    [re=464344]Neilist[/re]: Republicans have become the ‘Protect Giant Corporations Party’.

    Whats up with that?
    They cant even decide, correctly, that a crime victim should have her day in court if she works for a giant corporation in Iraq.
    wtf !

    Tweety on you crazy diamond. like scratching a black board

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=464344]Neilist[/re]: Sarah-on-camel action? I don’t think anyone here’s come up with that, yet.

    I know all the Wonketteers you because you’re the resident Republican gun freak, but I for one would never say that you have nothing to contribute.

  24. hunter.blatherer

    [re=464330]drpangloss[/re]: I’m more interested in why he bows to Geithner and Bernanke than to any (other?) emperor.

  25. Sharkey

    [re=464344]Neilist[/re]: My explanation is that your party includes a whole lot of closeted gays, whereas the other one does not. (Where closeted gayness is involved, contradictions are to be expected.)

    Two humps for me, by the way. And four thumbs up.

    On a serious note, The Great Mulatto Leader just wants to show the generally neutral countries of the world that he doesn’t secretly want to bomb the shit out them. It’s refreshing that he doesn’t go out of his way to kiss the asses of the leaders of the countries with the most oil. It’s not all about oil, or something.

  26. davesnothere

    Just another of the hideous failures of modern capitalism, poking through the velour coverlet here and there. Tweety is so grossly overpaid, he thinks everybody is interested in his sputtering interpretations of the random humming sounds coming through his dental work.
    People watch him because he’s on tv. If he was down at the corner bar, you’d knock him off his stool after about ten minutes.

  27. windupbird

    [re=464342]Paul Tardy[/re]: It’s a Franklin Mint Sesame Street Commemorative Set called “One of These Things Is Not Like the Others”.

  28. Neilist

    [re=464361]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I always liked Maria Muldar. The problem is that, back in the day, she was Batshit Crazy.

    [re=464353]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: “I for one would never say that you have nothing to contribute.”

    No, but I would usually say that (about myself, that is) — despite the arguably double negative.

    [re=464362]Sharkey[/re]: When Palin forms her third party — and the symbol for which is a camel — I’m going to be reminding all you Wonkie Liberals that I called it FIRST.

  29. user-of-owls

    Yowza! Our idiot tool of a Senator, Blanche “Blanche?” Lincoln, just said she’s gonna vote for cloture. Huzza. Too bad they couldn’t slip in a clause that would make her NOT an idiot tool. Still. Yay!

  30. Neilist

    [re=464377]Jim89048[/re]: “DAMNIT, Jim. I’m a DOCTOR, not a gynocolog . . . Oh. Wait a minute.

    Never mind.”

    Actually, “The Camel Toe Party” might have a better symbol.

    And “Brainless Cunt” is not a gender-specific description. Not nowadays, anyway.

  31. Alexander the Large

    Chris Matthews is right, only intellectuals bow, they’re too busy reading books (ugh) in their ivory towers to remember how we USED to treat the Japanese. REAL Americans kicked the ASS of Yellowland in WWII!

  32. Berkeley Bear

    Don’t forget, despite the “tingle” in his leg, Matthews staked his reputation as a Pennsylvania “expert” in the general on Obama’s supposed weakness there because he couldn’t connect with working class whites. It proved to be much spittle about nothing, and told me all I needed to know about his “expertise.”

  33. Jim89048

    [re=464388]rottenart[/re]: He swears that’s the way the Dick hisownself pronounces it, kinda like a Colbert/Colbear thing, where different peeps inside the same family pronounce it differently. I’ll just stick with the diminutive dick, myself.

  34. lawchic

    I still can’t believe people watch this show…I caught five minutes of it during the election and I believe he said something to the effect that Obama would have trouble connecting to working class voters because he wore sunglasses and looked too cool. At first I thought he was making fun of someone else who said the same thing, but he was not. That was serious. That really told me everything I needed to know about him, and the benefit in watching his show.

  35. PinkyTuscadero

    Chris, I watch you. Your desperate, desperate need for validation and bullheadedness (as with the absolutely stunning tenacity with which you repeat the pronunciation CHEEENEY [but adding the caveat that Liz says "chainy"]) and general blowhardedness and deep confusion about women in general and your palpable fear mixed with resentment about being called out as an idiot misogynist homophobe and ridiculous idolizing of northeastern Irish cops who are apparently above all reproach even when they strangle black people to death and attempts to portray the wildly right swinging Catholic church as middle America and Pennsylvania as the bellybutton of the universe…. You remind me of my asshole uncles. And I have issues. So I watch you.

  36. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=464393]PinkyTuscadero[/re]: I was going to say “amen” until the last two sentences. I may have issues, but I’ll be damned if they keep me coming back to him. Chris is like an abuse spouse, and I’ll have none of that.

    Chris usually hits the right notes and tones, but when he’s wrong, he’s very wrong, and his laser-focus on the most asinine aspects of topics is maddening. I couldn’t take it, anymore, once he went full-cracy during the 2008 primaries, and I never looked back.

  37. TubeCity

    Obama just needs to wear Old Spice to smell purty like the great Fred Thompson, and Matthews will curl up in his lap.

  38. June Cleaver 2.0

    …and his laser-focus on the most asinine aspects of topics is maddening.

    This is why I very rarely watch him. And I can not sit through dem strategist repub strategist bullshit and talking points. I have better things to do with my time.

  39. Captain Swing

    Why bow to a Japanese person, in Japan? Gee, tough one Chris old bean. Does the term common courtesy mean anything to you, or are you a complete ignoramus? You don’t have to have a Presidential Protocol advisor to know that this is simply what folks in Japan do when they meet.

    I mean, if Prime Minister Hatoyama was to visit the U.S. and had occasion to attend an official function in ‘small town America’, you can bet he would not say something like “Why so many people ‘round here have testicles hanging from their trucks?” He would have staff to ensure that he didn’t make such a faux pas. Sheesh…

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