peggy's world

Peggy Noonan Takes Delightful Cab Ride Down Fifth Avenue!

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Death, it has been omnipresent this annum. Most humans have expired. This datum is known by Mme. Peggington Noonington, a prosemonger famous to children, and regal oligarch wordsmith for the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet. Peggington did not faceth the Grim Reaper this year. For someone who was born in 1820’s London, in the actual Buckingham Palace, this is rare. It is rare for a human to survive into her ninth score. We know this, we feel this. Peggington: cognizant of this. Now it is Thanks-Giving time. Her Thanks are simple. Puritan. Nay. Catholic. Ahh, Catholicism. To be alive, imbibing the firewater of Bean Extract, moving one’s digits swiftly across the input buttons of a Robot: “I am grateful for a great deal, especially: I’m here. I’m drinking coffee as I write, and the sun is so bright, I had to close the blinds to keep the glare from the computer.”

Where doth the madame capture such elan vital for this seven-day’s iteration of “Declarations”? The motorcar, to be sure. The finest of motorcars, ever. She sitteth inside this motorcab and was taken down the Fifth Avenue of New York. As humans familiar with Peggington Noonan are privy to know, whenever Madame traveleth upon the Fifth Avenue of New York, she immediately understandeth everything about the current status of the United States of America. It is now wealthy. You must see this one building.

I felt it the other night, unexpectedly, in a way that reminded me of the anxieties of last year. I had been away from the city. I was in a cab going down Fifth Avenue. I hadn’t been there in months. I looked up and suddenly saw, looming in the darkness to my right, the white-gray marble and huge windows of the Bergdorf Goodman building—tall, stately, mansard-roofed. Its windows were covered, but some lights were on, and there seemed to be people inside. They were preparing its Christmas windows. Something about the sight of it caught me—proud Bergdorf’s, anchor of midtown commerce. It looked exactly as it looked 10 years ago, 20, only better. Because it’s there. New York has been so damaged by the crash, and last year at this time small shops, the ones with the smallest margin for error, were closing. And now I see more that are opening, and Bergdorf’s is preparing its Christmas windows. The sight of it came like an affirmation. We’re still here. I am so grateful.

Madame hath parodied her noble self, verily.

Peggington knoweth other humans. They too are grateful, for not Dying. This man: among the finest barristers in New Amsterdam. And his spawn, the dauphin. They are afforded leisure at times. During these times they trap Sea Monsters. I am so grateful.

What are you most thankful for in 2009? I asked an old friend, a brilliant lawyer who lives in a New York suburb. “I saw my 6-year-old son run a mile, and catch a bunch of fish,” he immediately replied. He saw his wife, a journalist, “dodge the firings” in her office. He still has a job, too. All of this sounds so common, so modest, and yet, he knows, it is everything. A child caught a fish, he ran, his father saw it. “Broadly,” he added, “I am grateful to America for its freedom, for its yeastiness and, at times, its noise. Dee Snider belting out ‘I Wanna Rock’ is so America.”

I am still here.“Yeastiness.” Peggington must curtail this practice of inserting her words into her barrister’s correspondence. As for this Dee Snider fellow, she dareth not Google, but perchance she is a nice lady, and perhaps even a Mexican. (This one time, Peggy Noonan saw a Mexican.)

Peggington hath numerous other acquaintances from the Wall Streete, and they hath money again. They are grateful.

And this thing, this Robot, prospering:

And after that, after gratitude for friends and family, and for those who protect us, after that something small. I love TV, and the other day it occurred to me again that we are in the middle of a second golden age of television. I feel gratitude to the largely unheralded network executives and producers who gave it to us. The first golden age can be summed up with one name: “Playhouse 90.” It was the 1950s and ’60, when TV was busy being born. The second can be summed up with the words “The Sopranos,” “Mad Men,” “The Wire,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “ER,” “24,” “The West Wing,” “Law and Order,” “30 Rock.” These are classics. Some nonstars at a network made them possible. Good for them.

Nay: Good for everyone. Good for Humans.

Sponsored Intermission

The finest of things, however, involveth the convergence of one Robot with another Robot. You view the program on the First Robot. You type on the Second Robot, about the program you hath viewed on the First Robot. It is the two-part activity of God, here on this Earth:

But there is a side benefit to televisions’s excellence, and that is the number of people who follow a show so closely, and love it so much, that after it’s aired they come together on long threads on Web sites and talk about what happened and what it means. People use their imaginations and unfocused creativity to add new layers of meaning and interpretation. “You know that was a reference to ‘Chinatown.'” “Did anyone notice what it meant when Peggy told Mr. Sterling ‘no’ when he asked for the coffee? A whole revolution captured in one word!”

Those threads are golden.

Those threads are America.

We’re still here.

I am so grateful.

Still Here After a Rough Year [WSJ]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • beastie

    I’m bloody speechless.

  • hockeymom

    Ya, that Larry David guy. Such a “non-star”. Lucky he somehow got onto to cable TV or nobody would have ever had the chance to see his work.

  • NeatoTorpedo

    Madame hath parodied her noble self, verily.

    No, Jim – I think she’s parodying you. Thats the only explanation.

  • SayItWithWookies

    My friend Vin said, when I asked him what he was most grateful for in 2009, “I remember reading that survival rates for breast cancer have been improving. I remember thinking: Thank God.”

    Jesus cures cancer — with a tidbit of assistance from modern medicine. Just like Jesus fixed the economy, while that Halfrican Terror Monster is probably planning on taking credit for things himself.

  • memzilla

    So she summeth up Ye Greatneff of Ye Countrye by empraifing Confumerifm?

    A Bergdorf-encrufted Pox upon her, and her confervative elite fnobf.

  • SmutBoffin

    “televisions’s excellence”?

    It’s obvious that this Victorian poseur has never watched the CW or Spike.

  • Vulpes82

    It’s been far, far too longeth since you hath purple prosedly eviscerated Dame Noonington, Jim. It is goodeth to seeth.

  • Servo

    There must be a microwave transmitter just outside her window. Jeebus!
    Twisted Sister!

  • Sweet Baby Cheeses

    This is why I press the input buttons on my robot so the robot will show me the Wonkette. I am so grateful.

  • El Pinche

    I felt it the other night, unexpectedly, in a way that reminded me of the anxieties of last year
    I guess she was talking about open mic night at MSNBC? Hmmm, we haven’t heard dick about Palin from Nooningshiretonshimshamputeniapiffleskaplunkafish lately. Hmmmmmmm.

  • Judas Peckerwood

    Where is the “Thank you, Lord Obama”?

  • jagorev

    But there is a side benefit to Peggington Noonington’s excellence, and that is the number of people who follow her column so closely, and love it so much, that after it’s published they come together on long threads on the Wonkett and talk about what happened and what it means. People use their imaginations and unfocused creativity to add new layers of meaning and interpretation. “You know that was a reference to ‘Twisted Sister.’” “Did anyone notice what it meant when Peggington drank her coffee? A whole revolution captured in one word!”

    Those threads are golden.

  • gurukalehuru

    Oh, my goodness. “television’s excellence” She actually said “television’s excellence.”

  • JMP

    After being kept away from the City of New Amsterdam for too long, Noonan decided that she was Not Gonna Take It, Anymo-or-or-ore!

  • Humpback

    Those threads, on the web, they are enchanting and enticing. They draw one in, until the arachnid horror wraps you within and sucks your precious bodily fluid. (Did you know that’s a Dr. Stangelove reference?)

  • V572625694

    Words never spoken aloud by a human:

    “Broadly, I am grateful to America for its freedom, for its yeastiness and, at times, its noise.”

    Ah, the yeastiness! Particularly between Dame Peggy’s thighs! Well, nowadays maybe not so much. Have another highball, Peg.

  • drrty martini

    Ken is back and Jim has posted a new Peggy’s World. I am thankful for that. And gin.

  • V572625694

    OT: Tweetie’s on teevee comparing the Obama administration to what he imagines the Adlai Stevenson administration would’ve been like, had he not lost in successive landslides to Ike. WTF?

  • Sharkey

    Verily this art-tickle hath made a happy day of me.

    Dee Snyder indeed gazed back at Peggington through the eyes of Robot Number 3 and took the form of Reaper. Peg could nary resist his hairy grasp, and did not live to imbibe of the Feast of the Giving of the Thanks.

    Whosoever shall deny this is the year of the Grateful Dead?

  • red sky

    I know it’s usually reserved for Bachmann or Palin, but…

    Shine on you crazy diamond!

  • germansteel

    I have now had a glimpse of something that would have been worse than the recently published remainder bin filler, “Going Rogue,” and that is the same bilge, ghostwritten by Dame Peggington Nooner.


  • Servo

    She didn’t like Deadwood?

  • fatherfigure

    Life is such shit. This makes me want to die so bad.

  • bitchincamaro

    Avenue of Fifth, my ass. Come to a street called Steinway in Queens and we’ll punch your victorian neck.

  • Sharkey

    “I am grateful for a great deal, especially: I’m here. I’m drinking coffee as I write, and the sun is so bright, I had to close the blinds to keep the glare from the computer.”

    Not that I’m normal or anything, but that always annoys me. Makes me wish for blinds that would close automatically – they actually exist! I guess I’d be grateful for sun glare on my screen if my coffee had been Irished up real good.

  • widestanceromancer

    She is always at her best when she cannot raise her head from the carpet.

  • jetjaguar

    Did you know that Peggy Noonan was once a speech writer for Ronald Reagan?

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=464070]V572625694[/re]: The other night he gave some guest shit for pronouncing the Death Star’s name “Chainy” instead of “Cheeeny”. Guy was like, fuck you, blondie.

  • Min

    I, myself, am profoundly grateful that I don’t work in an office with Fruity Peggles.

  • chascates

    I’m unemployed, uninsured, and running out of money. A friend of mine died 2 days ago and I just heard another had a massive stroke. But I feel fortunate to live in such a time and place that causes Ms. Noonington to have such hope and thanks.

  • Suds McKenzie

    Today we are all there.

  • El Pinche

    [re=464082]bitchincamaro[/re]: hahaha

  • Extemporanus

    [re=464045]NeatoTorpedo[/re]: The Serpent has deepthroated its Tail, verily.

    [re=464078]Servo[/re]: The goddamn cunt doth not abide the fecundly profane discourse of those shit-heeled fucking cocksuckers.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=464078]Servo[/re]: And no love for my faves, ‘Bones’ and ‘NCIS*,’ either. (Hey, some of us can’t afford your fancy-schmancy cable teevee with HBO and whatnot.

    *the original, not the new LA-fashion-models version

  • Joshua Norton

    I should think that gazing upon Bergdorf’s would depress Mme. Noonington greatly since its construction sounded the death knell of Millionaire’s Mile and New York Society as she fantasizes about it.

    In her delusions of grandeur, it’s only by a mis-aimed sperm that she isn’t holding court in a stately Vanderbilt ballroom.

  • torera

    Verily St. Jim (“sin-jim”) hath blown my sparkly mind. I am so bloody grateful to be alive and in the presence of his excellence.

  • ericblair

    [re=464067]drrty martini[/re]: A double, verily.

  • Downtheroadapiece

    Is it just me or is Mme. Noonington a female Montgomery Burns?

  • Downtheroadapiece

    [re=464111]chascates[/re]: But Bergdorf’s is putting up their Christmas window. Does that not warm your the very cockles of your peasant’s soul little Timmy?

  • user-of-owls

    Peggy Noonan: Hoist by her own mansard.

  • magic titty

    “…there seemed to be people inside”

    Well, were there people inside or not, idiot? Jesus.

  • V572625694

    [re=464092]bitchincamaro[/re]: Saw that; it was totally insane. Where does he get the “Cheenee” shit? And how about when he tried to pin Haley Barbour down on Palin’s “qualifications” for president?

    Guy’s going wacky. Kinda fun to watch in a trainwreck way.

    [re=464159]user-of-owls[/re]: Shakespeare always has something apposite to say.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Verily, Lady Noonan, thou art as clueless as thoust ever were, and shame thyself and thy race. The dumb ox in the field has more wisdom than thou, and the newborn lamb in the pen more sense. Wine and sweet poppy have addled thy brain and befuddled your senses; now ye are laughingstock. Lay down thy pen and wine, and trouble us no more.

  • magic titty

    [re=464082]bitchincamaro[/re]: So awesome. I was thinking 125th street, but yes.

  • CrunchyKnee

    [re=464151]Downtheroadapiece[/re]: Her motorcar doth get twenty hogsheads to the imperial gallon of petrolium distolate.

  • Jim89048

    I am too poor to even have blinds on my windows, but it’s nice to hear that at least something so trite could annoy Sir Peggington. Maybe she could try out for a role on something on the precious TeeVee, maybe Sons of Anarchy. They could cut the bitch pretty good.

  • Joshua Norton

    [re=464182]Jim89048[/re]: I was thinking more along the lines of “Mad Men”. If she isn’t Betty Draper, I don’t know who is.

  • sezme

    I’d also like to (hic) thank the jesus for holding up those aeroplanes in the sky. (Hey barkeep, what’s keeping you? Keep serving drinks.)

  • RoscoePColtraine

    This “Burgdorf,” of which she speaks…might I relieve my stress and tension caused by carrying the guilt of farting near the perfume counter, by listening to the strains of Haydn and Mozart?

  • Godot

    [re=464082]bitchincamaro[/re]: “And yea, ‘pon the walls of noble Eckerd did I see the charming peasant-folk of Grippo’s preparing to sell yearly their stock of Christ-Mass Trees. It was an affirmation. I am so grateful.”

  • user-of-owls

    [re=464182]Jim89048[/re]: You have windows?! Fuckin’ elitist.

  • Barrelhse

    [re=464052]SmutBoffin[/re]: “Hazel”, also.

  • Jim89048

    [re=464196]user-of-owls[/re]: And 4 of them face the lesbian couple next door.
    It ain’t what I imagined it would be like, trust me.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=464202]Jim89048[/re]: So, I’m guessing it’s…

  • user-of-owls

    King Dyke

  • user-of-owls

    The Bull

  • Jim89048

    [re=464208]user-of-owls[/re]: They’re good neighbors, best friends I have on the block. But no, I wouldn’t hit that, or even want to watch.

  • ShiningMathPath

    Her writing makes me feel like I’m trapped in an Eraserhead world – wow, ick, also

  • user-of-owls

    [re=464215]Jim89048[/re]: Well, tin foil isn’t too expensive. Plus, keeps out the mind control rays too!

  • Mustang

    I….I….I…I….me….me…me…I….me…I…me….me….I…I…I…I….I and some more I because that’s how I write. Because…well just, finally Me.

  • bitchincamaro

    Here’s a quote I found from the poor sap who invented the goddamn TeeVee, Philo T. Farnsworth:

    “[He] hated what he wrought. In fact, when a panelist on “What’s My Line?” asked him if what he invented was painful, Farnsworth replied, “Yes, it’s sometimes most painful.”

    Milton Berle weeps.

  • Jim89048

    [re=464222]user-of-owls[/re]: Apropos, since I live on the edge of Area 51.

  • DoctorCulturae

    Ah Jubilation Day!

    Forsooth! Dame Pegeth doth presently mirror Lord James of Wonketteshire! And his most excellent pen doth well counter to lift the Bergdorfian discourse to ever newer heights of higher newnessdom! Ah, most excellent gin and medication! Ah, divine wings of my Lexus! Sweet, poisonous deadline met! Death averred and gratitude reborn!

    Good afternoon Mrs. Mulwray indeed!

  • populucious

    Ew yes, Berdorfs! Thank Heavens for La Berdorfs! For wherever else shall Miz Noony get the sage jams, Stuebin glass olive dishes, and enrobed chocolat truffelettes she will be giving as les giftets de Christmas in these times of mindful austerity?

  • S.Luggo

    I look at you all, see the love there that’s sleeping

  • schvitzatura

    Mme. Dowager Noonington-Sigmaringen, please inform Freiherr Blankfein he must allow the Yule revelries to proceed unhindereth, otherwise Sol Invictus shall taketh away much TARPish lucre from Goldman in the newness of the teen years of this new century.

  • schvitzatura
  • desertwind

    That wa’n’t no sunshine, Peg. That was yer neighbor’s kid playin’ with a mirror just to fucke you up.

  • artpepper

    My friend Stephanie is grateful that she got health insurance despite a pre-existing condition.

    If only there were some way this could happen for everybody. Some kind of … legislative process.

  • charlesdegoal

    TV was busy being born? Is busy dying. Temptation’s page flies out the door. You follow, find yourself at war.

  • Sleeves
  • windupbird

    “…last year at this time small shops, the ones with the smallest margin for error, were closing…”

    She still hasn’t recovered from the shuttering of Ye Olde Little French Dress Shoppe and her neighborhood Talbot’s

  • Anita Cocktail

    [re=464058]jagorev[/re]: You know when she drank her coffee, it was a reference to Juan Valdez. I think his commercials are the only other time she’s ever seen a Mexican.

  • Anita Cocktail

    [re=464085]Sharkey[/re]: Is that a reference to Timbuk3?

  • rocktonsammy

    PN writes like a young Maureen Dowd.

    Or George O’Dowd.

    She uses her tongue
    “prettier than a 20 dollar whore.”

  • cynbot

    [re=464082]bitchincamaro[/re]: peggington would never enter into the royal personnage. How dare you suggest otherwise?

  • Zorg

    [re=464058]jagorev[/re]: Juan Valdez is a Columbian, pinche pendejo!

  • smellyal8r

    She needs to be thankful that the billionaire tyrant Rupert Murdoch wastes valuable space on these ramblings. Jesus. Things are looking up at Bergdorf’s? WTF? And, I know a ton of lawyers who have never started a sentence “Broadly…” I do think it’s true that if Manhattan is all decked out for Christmas then our great national nightmare has ended. Too bad the editorial board of the WSJ won’t give credit where it’s due (Obama) and still posits, yea verily, that a Great Recession is still upon us and that it’s ALL OBAMA’S FAULT. I agree with previous posters that either Jim wrote this for Peggy or it was written by the editorial staff of The Onion.

  • Sharkey

    [re=464335]Anita Cocktail[/re]: Not intended as such.

    But let’s see, Peggington wearing shades at an acid party with Sarah Barracuda? Nonsensical Sharkespearian Drama ensues.

    The future.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=464363]Zorg[/re]: I’m pretty sure Mr. Valdez did not attend an Ivy League school in New York City. He most assuredly is, however, a Colombian.

  • Zorg

    [re=464378]user-of-owls[/re]: ¡Cualquier cosa, el usuario de búhos!

  • user-of-owls

    [re=464386]Zorg[/re]: Cuidate con Juan Valdez…el es un capo de capos y su ira es una pesadilla pura.

  • Zorg

    [re=464387]user-of-owls[/re]: ¡Tony Montana y yo, no tenemos ningún miedo de ningunos Colombianos de mierda, usario de búhos!

  • Rosemaryrules

    You have got to be kidding me. If I were her driver I wouldeth have turned around and smoothed her lips with my fist, verily causing the loss of front teeth. Cunteth.

  • ella

    How far uptown was she that Bergdorf’s was “down” Fifth? Harlem?

  • Captain Swing

    Ah yes, the yeastiness, it riseth.

    Unlike the prose the Noonington, which falleth flat…

  • agentstinky

    My hands literally flew up to my face in shame and frustration when I read the part about Dee Snider. PEGGINGTON WHY

  • LowerdPeninsula

    To see such rhetorical congress between the two Daughters and Sons of Men Lady Noonan and Lord Jim — her unwittingly and he all-knowingly — is, surely, to witness the internal dialogue of the most-high Trinity/Allah bin (ben) Yaweh. With such shock and awe have struck me to think of the important interactions of Lady Noonan with her various Robots.

    Verily, Lady Noonan, the pleasure is all mine. Forever. Also.

    Oh, and Jim, you had me at “This one time, Peggy Noonan saw a Mexican.” May that meme forever be remembered.

  • Zorg

    Leave Peggy alone! You bastards! She’s only human!!!!

  • tiger

    i am disabled after cancer, left Manhattan after 15 yrs. and now live with my mother in a suburb in Pennsyltucky. I will have no insurance in 2 months. For TWO years. Am I grateful? I’m not quite sure: i still can’t even fuckin read yet (chemo. probably)
    As for Peggles McDonothin’, she shoud REALLY REALLY be grateful. She does nothing, knows nothing, but thanks to WSJ, she “is” somebody.
    And her friend residing where, Ct. or something? He can go fuck himself. And wow, his kid can fish. That’s good. He’ll need that skill once Pa-pa is convicted of whatever corporate fraud he’s invovled in.
    As for Bergdorfs, i was in there ONCE during 15 years of living there, and it was a MESS.
    Just like our Lady of Peggles. Have another vicodin bitch, they’re probably free for you.

  • Bill_TX

    [re=464581]tiger[/re]: *slow clap*

  • problemwithcaring

    “The Sopranos,” “Mad Men,” “The Wire,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “ER,” “24,” “The West Wing,” “Law and Order,” “30 Rock.”

    Only four of those shows are even on fucking TV and still this list was probably the most coherent part of that digression.

  • clientnumber8

    Can we get a weekly Noonington fisking a la the weekly Peter King fisking at Kissing Suzy Kolber?

  • CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    Yeastiness? I just puked a little in my mouth at the imagery that popped into my head…