oh that piper

Hey Look, It’s A Picture Of A Page From ‘Going Rogue’

A top secret super secret Wonkette operative has sent us photos of pages 379 and 380 from Going Rogue! Here is the part where Piper Palin kidnaps every liberal reporter in America on her boat and feeds them to the ancient Ice Goblin who lives five nauts upstream. What else is on these two particular pages of bullshit… meh.

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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134 comments

  1. Darkness

    I made it halfway through 379 before suffering nauseous cliché, malicious verb overload and fearing for my brain, had to stop. That kind of writing is like breathing formaldehyde: your nose goes numb, then your brain, then you cease to realize you are being slowly poisoned.

  2. ella

    Bring on the mosquitoes and horseflies, the wind and the driving rain!

    I’m just sick I wasn’t in Wasilla for that.

  3. germansteel

    Oh, that Sarah and her family. They are soooo much smarter and better than all those snobs from the lower 48. They can catch fish, and drive boats and all that really special, unique and just, you know “real American” stuff.

    Have you ever seen anybody more fucking full of herself?

  4. Extemporanus

    TL;DR

    (“L” stands for Lower Level, Lack Lustre, Last, Least, Limp, Love, Lousy, Lame, Latent, Lethargic, Lazy, Lemon, Little Logic, Lucky, Leech, Liver Lipped, Laborious Louse on a Loser’s Lips, Live in Limbo, Lyrical Lapse, Low Life…)

  5. V572625694

    “Secretly I must admit that I really wanted to see the likes of Andrea Mitchell…” Is that what they’re calling it now?

  6. Words

    It’s depressing to think of how many trees had to die to make the 2 million books she’ll probably sell to mindless, tasteless boobs.

  7. Click

    [re=458326]germansteel[/re]: Easy there stud, after all, operating a fishing skiff demands FAR more skill than your standard Chris Craft.

  8. V572625694

    God damn those two pages are full of infuriating bullshit: “I always love introducing reporters to our…subsistence lifestyles…” Yeah sure, subsistence on oil pipeline and government jobs and federal military pork, but you go out on the weekends and stab some salmon and kill some moose and believe you’re living a “subsistence lifestyle” because your meat didn’t stop at Safeway on its way to your table. Snowbilly: hypocrite or ignorant slut?

  9. Extemporanus

    [re=458330]Extemporanus[/re]: I’m a liar and a retard.

    I read the whole damn thing, including the “‘B’ in FBI stands for ‘Buzzkill’” part which I Triggedly forgot to quote in my comment.

    Also, “skiffing”? Is that like yiffing for scalies?

  10. Suds McKenzie

    This is obviously a work of fiction. No one would EVER “want to see Andrea Mitchell” anywhere.

  11. Extemporanus

    [re=458339]SmilingMightyJesus[/re]: I believe that it’s a variant of the phrase “lay some pipe”.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    I had a satellite phone for state communications during my annual two days away from the office…

    Oh, she only left the office for two days a year? No wonder she quit early — she’d done her four years already — like those kids who graduate high school in three years. We all owe that hard-working woman an apology for belittling her abilities.

  13. chascates

    Piper is the only one of the family I like. She’s the one who takes care of Precious Little Angel Special Needs Baby, she can operate watercraft, I’m betting she’s close to her pilot’s license (‘Piper’, dig?), and she can probably shoot, gut, and skin a moose or caribou quicker than you can say ‘look at my children and see how special I am!

  14. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=458337]V572625694[/re]:
    Snowbilly: hypocrite or ignorant slut?

    Both, my dear. Sarah teaches us that one can be both.

  15. Georgia Burning

    Let me guess- the State of Alaska had to foot the $12,456 bill for boat rental with Piper as the $50 an hour captain.

  16. Oldskool

    “I had a satellit phone for state communications during my annual two days away from the office…”

    Yeah, we believe that, Sayruh. Two days, uh-huh.

  17. Berkeley Bear

    I think this book should come with a warning label or a 2 drink minimum. Two pages of it and I feel significantly stupider than I did just a minute ago. And whiplashed, too – we’re such normal people salmon killing folks except that we go to A-list parties in DC? And shamelessly namedrop Dianne Feinstein, John McCain and Alan Greenspan in the same paragraph as extolling hip waders? Huh? You have to be schizophrenic just to make sense of this garbage.

    Good, news though – it will absolutely keep her idiot herd of followers occupied for the next 6 months to a year trying to read it and get its special hidden meanings just for them (wink).

  18. Click

    “the ancient Ice Goblin who lives five nauts upstream.”
    I forget me nauts – how far is that exactly?

  19. Fly Over Girl

    [re=458324]Sleeves[/re]: Well, I guess we can thank Lynn Vincent, who wrote Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party, to thank for the ghost writing and repeated use of “Sarah.”

  20. Jerri

    Going Rogue with the truth there, Sarah? She’s pretty haughty and self-righteous for someone dumber than a box of hair.

    Also: “slaying salmon?” Sounds filthy. Like, homo doin’ it, filthy.

  21. shadowMark

    Yeah. My generation had J. D. Salinger and his one novel. The kids nowadays have Sarah Palin and her one autobiography.

    Of course, the kids nowadays in addition to Palin’s one autobiography also get Sarah herself on a book tour and on Oprah and in leaked pages and, probably, up-coming magazine spreads.

    Damn it. All my generation got in addition to Salinger’s one novel was “Nine Stories,” “Franny and Zooey” and “Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction.”

    Damn punk kids nowadays walking around all emo in their scarves. They’ve got everything.

  22. JooJoo Bee

    So Sarah has all these super-good friends inside the beltway now. That must mean she isn’t a rogue anymore. So, okay, I think “BRING ON THE HORSEFLIES” should be Sarah’s 2012 slogan. Imagine the fun we could have with that, pile-of-shit-wise.

  23. Berkeley Bear

    [re=458360]Extemporanus[/re]: That is some serious mean face on little cub there. Did she see David Letterman in the crowd or what?

    If she really is on the Drew Barrymore path to Hell, Piper (plus Bristol’s continuing idiocy) would be the greatest sideshow for a Presidential Primary ever. Even better than Billy Carter or Roger Clinton.

  24. Robophobia

    Skiffing is very difficult, even though a 3rd grader could do it, especially when the tide changes every 10 minutes.

  25. user-of-owls

    [re=458365]Click[/re]: [re=458368]Extemporanus[/re]: It’s around a few cubits, or furlongs, or whatnaut.

  26. Guppy06

    I never knew shopping at the Wasilla Wal-Mart was “subsistence living.”

    Was the airplane she flew around in fueled by rendered animal fat?

  27. Sleeves

    [re=458366]Fly Over Girl[/re]: Ah, thanks. This book will succumb to one of the DOE stallions of USENET, her Fujitsu ScanSnap and her karate CHOP.

  28. Robophobia

    [re=458360]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=458345]chascates[/re]: I guess the little skiff didn’t drift far from mothership.

  29. Buttery1000

    Looks like it says “a better sense of our state’s . . . anal” or “acid.” Guess I had no idea Eskimos were into such things, but I imagine you gotta keep yourself warm and entertained in Alaska somehow.

  30. Snarkalicious

    [re=458343]Extemporanus[/re]: Close. A ‘Piper’ is the one who does the laying. Clearly, this is a reference to Sarah boning Levi on the side.

  31. Click

    [re=458399]shadowMark[/re]: Even more inventive, back in 1899 mayor Harrison had his men set the Chicago River on fire and just had reporters bring frying pans.

  32. user-of-owls

    She’s bragging that her state has a subsistence lifestyle?

    “We here in Alaska beam with pride over the fact that our residents, like noble Haitians, Sudanese and Cambodians, have a vibrant hunter-gatherer economy.”

  33. BlueStateLibtard

    The first sentence sounds like it was liberally lifted from an Alaskan tourism brochure. I’m sure there’s lot more yawn-inducing hyperbole to come, yawn.

  34. geminisunmars

    [re=458360]Extemporanus[/re]: That is an awesome photo. Were you able to scan it from an advanced copy of her book?

    But really, I was so taken with that photo. I wonder where she learned that sweet little gesture. Ahhh, family values.

  35. WendyK

    What the hell kind of country is this that this woman was even a nominee for anything? It’s all well and good to snark on her and make fun of the fact that she’s a moron snowbilly but shit, there came a point when this stopped being funny and started being scary. I used to enjoy mocking her but lately all I feel is anxiety. How the FUCK did this do-nothing know-nothing woman and grandpa get so many millions of votes?

  36. Scoops McGee

    Well, The Wonket spoils everything again! Now everybody knows the Palin Family Annual Christmas Newsletter!

  37. shadowMark

    [re=458427]geminisunmars[/re]: You’re going to be haunted now, aren’t you? By the intensity of the hatred on that little girl’s face. It’s like a real life horror movie isn’t it? And it’s going to haunt you now. Happy Friday the 13th!

    (AND that family might be in the White House soon! Happy Friday the 13th!)

  38. V572625694

    [re=458371]shadowMark[/re]: Didn’t our generation have Richard Farinya (can’t make a tilde over the “n” on this thing) and Thomas Pynchon too? Salinger’s preppie angst (I know, he was hardly a preppy) is too Wes Anderson for me. Or maybe Wes Anderson is too Holden Caulfield or John Knowles.

    Don’t care for preppies, as may be clear.

  39. MarSF

    [re=458421]WendyK[/re]: We are a land of “Morans”.

    Today we have David Brooks taking “President” Thune out for a “test ride” in his column. And Brooks is supposed to be a “thinker”.

  40. chascates

    [re=458360]Extemporanus[/re]: I withdraw my made-up admiration for Palin #4. I guess you can’t make a silk purse out of a moose turd.

  41. Berkeley Bear

    [re=458446]MarSF[/re]: Beat me to it. It was Bill Kristol and other pundits who went on an RNC cruise to Alaska and decided Snowbilly was the future of the party, the way Brooksie is now trying to anoint Thune. What is it with the GOP and state leaders with a whopping 3 electoral votes?

  42. Fly Over Girl

    [re=458449]Sleeves[/re]: And that’s a total bummer. I might still be hung over from Wednesday night, but Friday evening’s drinking has yet to begin. Soon. Very, very soon.

  43. geminisunmars

    [re=458433]shadowMark[/re]: nnnnooooooooooooo!!11!!!1

    (oh shit,I just puked splitpea soup on my ballot).

  44. QueenOfTheDamned

    Shit, I was going to wait to kill myself until we were all forced to face Wasilla and pray seven times a day. But I can no longer live in a world where pages of that self-indulgent tripe are going to spend weeks on the best-seller list. It reads like the diary of an eighth-grade mean girl.

    Off to drive a steel spike through my head and/or scratch out my own eyes. If I can make it to the toolshed before I go insane.

  45. MarSF

    [re=458454]Berkeley Bear[/re]: If Thune and Palin are the best the GOP has to offer as far as “looks and charisma”, the GOP will keep failing.

    Palin appears to be morphing into Liddy Dole at warp speed. I think she borrowed a wig from her for the Oprah Show.

  46. GeneralLerong

    [re=458421]WendyK[/re]: Not to mention the millions of dollars. The book advance, that trust fund that PaulTardy is always reminding us about…

  47. Paul Tardy

    “guests such as Dick Cheney, … , and my friend John McCain”

    So Cheney, Greenspan, and the rest aren’t her friends? Maybe there are a few interesting bits in the book.

  48. President Beeblebrox

    ArghlebarglesalmonPipernatives.

    In the words of Lloyd Bridges in “Airplane!”, looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

  49. Neilist

    I can imagine myself doing many things. Many, many things.

    But I cannot imagine myself ever reading this “book.” Even if there was nothing else in the entire Universe to read.

  50. smartypants

    [re=458459]QueenOfTheDamned[/re]: Like your avatar. Don’t go just yet. It’s bound to get worse.

  51. Neilist

    [re=458371]shadowMark[/re]: Goddamnit, you bastard. You just reminded me of what I felt like when I read “Franny & Zooey” and “Raise High,” etc. for first time.

    Back when there was . . . hope.

    :::Sniff:::

    I HATE YOU.

  52. Extemporanus

    [re=458427]geminisunmars[/re]: You and your adorable new little avatard are ever so welcome.

    (And should you ever want to print it out and hang it, say, above your bed or something, here’s a larger version.)/b>

    [re=458451]chascates[/re]: I dunno, I think Palin #2 probably could.

  53. Jukesgrrl

    She loves introducing reporters to remote areas of Alaska. Too bad she didn’t love introducing remote areas of Alaska to social services and basic energy resources.

    [re=458337]V572625694[/re]: “Snowbilly: hypocrite or ignorant slut?”
    Why not both? Carrie Prejean’s got it down to a science and she’s only been around for a year.

    [re=458435]Servo[/re]: Someone set up her Word program with a search and replace. Every time she types the letter “C,” her computer automatically puts in “our country is at a crossroads.” The whole book was probably written that way. Word salad, indeed.

  54. TVarmy

    This reminds me of the time I tried to interview Olympia Snowe about what she thinks of the public option, but she ended up teaching me about a thing called curling. Then she held me hostage in her car while she went across the border to Canada to make some cash on an exchange rate scam she has going.

    Apparently, if you buy something in an American Target and then refund it to the same credit card in Canada, you get about 5% extra because of the exchange rate. Unfortunately, she did it on my card, and now Target’s acting like it’s an error I’m obligated to pay for. She’s now blocking all her mail because of Erick Erickson, so now I can’t reach her.

  55. Sleeves

    [re=458470]skutre[/re]: Slang is difficult to avoid. Just today, I nearly reported myself well and “knoshed” by a gnawing baby, until the computer advised against knosh (q.v. Urban Dictionary).

    Went with “chomped” and “Roamin’ Chompsky”.

  56. Sleeves

    [re=458457]Fly Over Girl[/re]: (Well, I hadn’t noticed until you gave notice, and that tells for me.)

  57. S.Luggo

    [re=458506]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]:
    If I got “Going Rouge” for Xmas, it would for shredding into a cat box. (Pity the cat‘s hemorrhoids.) Knowing my family, no subsequent re-gifting would be possible. Each member has an Xmas-gift photographic memory. Pricks.
    PS: No haz cat.

  58. SnarkyMark

    In all seriousness, what I don’t understand is: If it was “about Alaska” that she resigned, what “about America” as she is thinking about running in ’12? Why won’t she do us all the favor she did Alaska and leave us alone?

  59. Extemporanus

    [re=458506]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Don’t you mean GipperSlut?

    [re=458509]Robophobia[/re]: Meconium, su conium ese!

    [re=458330]Extemporanus[/re]: Kool Moe Dee has a beef with this entire thread.

    I hope you’re all happy.

  60. Click

    [re=458552]Extemporanus[/re]: I don’t find a word of your comment to be understandable – except “meconmomium” which of course means “an infant’s first stool.”

  61. Flanders

    [re=458487]Extemporanus[/re]: I like the lady gazing down benevolently on little Piper while she drops the flip-off sign.

  62. DDD

    Interesting self-aggrandizing and delusional use of present tense: “I always LOVE introducing reporters…”

    That’s LOVED, isn’t it, really?

  63. Sleeves

    [re=458549]SnarkyMark[/re]: About Palin running in `12: I’m thinking what I thought after CNN told me to think that G.W. Bush had just won the “fuzzy math” debate in 2000. If so, we have this coming. “This…chap…will destroy the Grand Old Party.”

    I believe I went mad, politically, right then and there.

  64. Terry

    Too bad Palin did pretty much squat for Alaska Natives while she was governor. People lacked food and heating oil on the Yukon River delta last winter and she sent Billy Graham’s charity out there rather than, uh, sending food and heating oil.

  65. SnarkNotFark

    From these two pages it is obvious to me that James Joyce and William Faulkner were retarded morans.

    Stately, plump Buck Mulligan my ass. This book is fucking golden

  66. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=458570]Flanders[/re]: That’s Sarah’s mother.

    If that pic is photoshopped, it’s a damned good job.

  67. Robophobia

    [re=458613]LowerdPeninsula[/re]:Hey man, I was just goofin’ around last night. I meant to refer to a Detroit Earthquake — if you know what I mean.
    Then I found this little oddity, not as strange as Peter Griffin’s Volcano Insurance, but funny nonetheless:

    http://quotes.usinsuranceonline.com/index.php?wsc=1&adv=3&pt=3109&kw=michigan+earthquake+insurance&tk=b3ZlcnR1cmUsMTUwOTk1MzM1NyxpbnN1cmFuY2UsbWljaGlnYW5fZWFydGhxdWFrZV9pbnN1cmFuY2UsbWljaGlnYW4gZWFydGhxdWFrZSBpbnN1cmFuY2U%253d&prod=Free+Michigan+Earthquake+Insurance+Quotes&ysmwa=WzQFTeHuzeqUjfBj6mRKAYmG81iKvMmPj9rBCpyCvusJJlPgOn1gh7nHuHeukGSy&usck=1

  68. Marlowe

    I’m surprised my fellow wonketteers missed this gem from page 380:
    “Now I wanted to see Andrea and her colleagues sporting fish-slimed waders, BANGING around in a skiff…”

    If this is what Sarah wanted to see, I now understand why Bristol and Levi banged around.

  69. artbot2000

    So what does all this national geographic shit have to do with going commando? It begins to sound like she’s saving the goods for the sequel, and all those color photos are just worthless landscapes and family snaps.

  70. stink, but

    “We’d grab Piper on the way so she could teach a couple of them how to drive the boat – and she did.” ~ Ernest Hemingway

  71. Sleeves

    [re=458647]Fly Over Girl[/re]: Ice-cold black-cherry or strawberry banana yogurt. (Oh, hope it’s not the Associated Presse? For that Shall pass swiftly as a gallstone. Look for Murphy’s sign.)

  72. Fly Over Girl

    [re=458661]Sleeves[/re]: Ha. It’s all in the headache. Thankfully no heaves or abdominal pain. Two cups of java and a cranberry-orange muffin have taken the edge off, but not provided a real cure.

    Too bad I’m stuck at work. Otherwise, I’d just sleep it off. Of course, if I didn’t have to work on a weekend … perhaps I wouldn’t drink.

    Nah, Palin will always make me over imbibe.

  73. HuddledMass

    [re=458506]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: The gipperslist site sells “homeschooling curriculums”(sic) — which apparently does not include teaching the correct plural of that word, which is “curricula.”

  74. Atlas Spanked

    Translation: “I quit my job for Alaska.” Amazing. This bimbo lives on Lake Wasilla, 5 minutes or less from a massive, two-mile long strip mall of big box auto dealerships, grocery, hardware, building, and liquor stores, but she paints herself as a wilderness hunter-gatherer. Her ‘set net site’ in Dillingham (a 3-hour plane ride from Wasilla, and a very expensive one)is just the snowbilly version of a 5,000 sq. foot cottage in the Hamptons.

    Unfortunately, this is how most throttle-twisting urban Alaskans view themselves. The chauvinism must be witnessed to be believed. In a state full of obese, cigarette smoking alcoholic black-heli gun freaks, all too many see “outsiders” as metrosexual poodles. I’ve never seen a state with fewer people, but more “Trespassers will be shot” signs, and “UN-free” plywood/blue tarp hovels.

    Personally, I hope Alaska does secede. They’d be an economic colony of Russia, China, Japan or Korea within ten years. After all, someone has to provide a federal source for 30% of the state’s paychecks. Even Palin’s coming to the Lower 48 for her cash flow.

  75. Click

    [re=458703]Atlas Spanked[/re]: Excellent description, except you forgot to mention those single-wides with the spray foam insulation blasted all around the outside like a metastisizing tumor or giant-sized piece of delectable seafoam.

  76. TVarmy

    Hey Sarah! Maybe families would have more money if you legalized polygamy! Instead of single or dual income, imagine tripple income!

    BTW, I’m shipping Sarah, Todd, and Katie Couric. Just because it’d cheer her up.

  77. Yoko Ono

    Ya know how historians still discuss lebensraum 90 years after it was penned? Let’s just hope 90 years from now no one is talking about skiffs.

    Also, you all know that John and the boys were weaned on Skiffle, right? In this mumbo-jumbo, would it have mattered if she said her and Todd skiffled? Then we all could have a bump in our Q-ratings.

  78. Smoke Filled Roommate

    “…and then Piper began speaking Inuit. Their name for her is ‘Peepoo Matardajutwat’. I don’t understand Inuit. I usually just have H&R block do my taxes, just like any other normally rogue Alaskan person.”

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