The Opposite Of Progress

  cartoon violence

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, kids, remember your civics class, where you learned that there are other parts of the government that aren’t currently controlled by Muslims? There’s the so-called “Supreme Court,” which everyone ignores most of the time right up until they legalize gayness; but then there’s this other thing, whaddya call it, Congress, and there’s like dozens and dozens of those jackholes, so even though they aren’t “worse” than President Antichrist on an individual level, there are more of them, so it kind of balances out! Anyway, one half of Congress just passed some crazy-ass law last week. How did they manage to do this? Simple: DEVIL MAGIC.

As ever, one must click on the cartoons to embiggen them. DO IT!

Do you ever go to your local public swimming pool and see the big signs hanging on the wall that say “NO HORSEPLAY”? You’re probably assuming that this refers to the sort of light-hearted running and chasing games that kids at public pools used to engage in, before video games and mandatory child seats made them husky and listless. But in fact, these signs are forbidding anyone from engaging in sexual fetish horseplay of the kind depicted here, as that particular kink is, according to an obscure clause in Article I of the Constitution, only permitted to members of Congress. Most of us will never miss it, of course, but those who long to be saddled up by some pasty middle-aged dude, to feel the satisfying tug of the reins against the bit between their teeth — well, they are forced to grimly work their way through the city council and the state legislature, putting in years of effort, before finally, finally getting to the august halls of the Capitol, where the carrots and sugar-cubes are plentiful, and there are no “NO HORSEPLAY” signs to ruin the fun.

Oh, and somewhere in there these horse-sex freaks have to find time to pass laws and stuff. Now, in an institution with as long and storied a history as the United States Congress, there are bound to be some traditions that might look a little strange to the modern eye. For instance, historically, the Speaker of the House celebrates the passage of a particularly auspicious bit of legislation by putting on his or her finest Druid robes (a Snuggie can be substituted if necessary) and using a ritual silver dagger forged by Paul Revere himself to sacrifice to the Dark Lord whichever beast represents the majority party. This is actually a little-known bit of cost savings that has come about after the 2006 elections, as sacrificial donkeys are significantly cheaper to come by than sacrificial elephants, and require much less cleaning up after.

But Nancy Pelosi has tricked us (again)! While she purports to only be the High Priestess of some Satanic cult, in fact she is herself the Princess of Darkness, the Lady of Lies, Beezelbubette! While the mortal Congressmen are entertaining themselves with their erotic equestrian simulations, Nancy likes to go down to her infernal kingdom of flames and sulfur and unwind a little bit. Just as the Bible tells us, Satan likes nothing more than to prematurely claim the souls of honest, hard-working old people, with health care. She’ll be tormenting them with her pitchforks and her strict coverage requirements for private health care plans for all eternity, and there’s nothing you or the AARP can do to stop her!

Meanwhile, the Senate is a forward-thinking institution. It doesn’t bother with mummery like weird ritual animal slaughter in the name of Moloch or whatever. No, the Senate is interested in the future, and the future is all about science! For instance: would it be scientifically possible to sever Joe Lieberman’s head, and attach it to the broad shoulders of some nightmarish man-elephant hybrid, and all the while keep the Lieberman-head alive, and breathing, and smiling that smug fucking smile, and derailing important legislation just for kicks? The Senate’s best minds are on the case!

But not every scientific experiment goes to according to plan! For instance, in this one, two heads weren’t better than one, as Lieberman’s pathological need for attention meant that he could never share a torso with anyone else for any length of time. Unfortunately, some careless lab tech accidentally threw out ol’ Joe’s below-the-neck bits — oops! What to do? The only solution was to graft his skull onto a dog they found God knows where, but even that procedure didn’t go as planned, and it was impossible to save the Senator’s chin. Still, he’s pretty much as good as ever, and the cause of human knowledge is advanced!

But let us turn our backs on Congress, and America, for the time being. What’s going on with those kooky Foreigns? For instance, what’s Tony Blair been up to since he quit his job as Queen Elizabeth’s Royally Warranted Snuff-Wrangler and Chief Advisor On Lesser Non-Snuff-Related Matters? Well, apparently he’s been working his way through every depraved sex act Europe has to offer! Now, sure, most of us have taken a dip in the “French Trench” or swum in the “Spanish Channel”; but how many can claim to have spent a lot of time in the “German Black Spot,” or plunged into the fabled “Finnish Hole”? Truly Tony is a true man of the world.

Meanwhile, back in America, some big-shot Hollywood Jew sure seems to think the crucifixion is funny!

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger