John Solomon, the beloved human brought in a couple of years ago to serve as executive editor of the Washington Times, and possibly save it (?), has come to the following conclusion: fuck this shit, I’m out. He has resigned, effective last Friday. So in the past week, as the great great brilliant divine extraordinary Rev. Moon’s children have been battling over the pieces of their inherited empire, the paper has lost its publisher, president, chairman, CFO, and executive editor. Liz Glover has accepted all of these positions. Turn the ol’ fishwrapper around, Liz! [TPM]
Moonie Times Editor Is Officially Gone, As Moonie Brothers Continue Fighting
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Its been reported the Times couldn’t pay the bill for their Bloomberg terminals and some other handy things. Liz will institute paid yoga classes to bring up the financials.
Until they get this sorted out, I’d suggest The Times publish a daily stack of blank pages and supply their devoted readership with a box of crayons. Everyone will be happy, and they might even turn their first profit.
I would like to marry Liz in a large stadium.
Hey, everybody, if we all pitch in, WE could buy the paper! And then Juli could put out a morning edition and Jim could put out an evening edition. And, and, we could PUT ON A SHOW! Yeah! They call us babes in arms but we can be babes in armour!
“…they felt he had turned the ship in the right direction.” Exactly how one turns a sinking ship in the right direction was never explained in the piece.
The WaTi is now acting in a real live Korean Soap Opera called: “The Embarrassing Saga of Family Korean Jeebus Amid Ruins of White Devil Capital Run Over by Black Man Fascist Communist Socialist Muslins”
[re=457423]shadowMark[/re]: I’ve worked in newspapers and can do paste-up and mechanicals. I can also make up funny fillers. This is a great idea! Can I sleep in the employee lounge until I find a cheap apartment?
But who will warn us of our imminent peril from the Chicom threat, if there is no Bill Gertz?
That picture is racist. The tension in his mouth makes it look like he’s having a hellacious time with the consonant “R.”
Oh, no… but if the Washinton Times goes under, where will I publish my mass wedding announcement?
This was all prophesied in The Bible:
“And LO! His Holiness punished the sinful Solomon by tearing his kingdom asunder, rendering two shattered halves unto a True Family, but not some Young guy.”
-1 Kings 11:9-13
I wonder if they had his anal cavity probed before he left the building
[re=457443]Extemporanus[/re]: Respectfully, I think you meant, “And RO!”
[re=457451]user-of-owls[/re]: Contrary to what you have previously alleged, good sir, I am not a racist. (That charge, by the way, sent me through the ROOF!)
Such nasty, bigoted rhetoric is far more at home on the spittle-flecked lips of bitter orange quitters like ol’ Rou Dobbs up there.
The Moon family appears to be devolving into some form of blind cave fish. The male, in front, presents a sharply constricted eye socket, while the female, in back, presents only a vestigial representation of same.
[re=457447]blader[/re]: Pelvis has left the building!
[re=457457]Extemporanus[/re]: Ok, with all the silly (or scilia?), it’s sometimes difficult to discern what’s a crap-ass attempt at humor and what’s serious (je je). So let me be clear that, on my hatch-mother’s grave, I am not nor have I ever been a member of any anti-Extemporanus faction, cult, sect or clique. Au contraire completamente ja wohl. Game of pun-pong anyone?
[re=457430]chascates[/re]: You can sleep in the lounge BUT you always have to dress like Harpo Marx and when Juli shows around potential investors she gets to point at you and say you’re “the brains of the operation.”
…did the Washington Times just go bust?! I was wondering why I spontaneously ejaculated this afternoon!!!
This just shocking! You mean they’ve had an editor all this time? Who knew?
WASHINGTON TIMES PRESS RELEASE WASHINGTON TIMES PRESS RELEASE WASHINGTON TIMES PRESS RELEASE
Lou Dobbs has been hired as the new President, Publisher, Chairman, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Operating Officer, Executive Editor, Managing Editor, Overlord, Overseer, Executive Secretary and Chief Executive Officer of The Washington Times.
Lou has already announced that he has hired Chris Core as Assistant President and Assistant Overseer (although Core will not be involved in the radio operation, which is being phased out immediately), George Will as Editorial Page Editor (Will will continue his column), and Oily Taints as Arts, Entertainment, Medicine and Law Editor.
Please do not talk to the media about these appointments. We’re a newspaper after all, upholding American ideals, like freedom of the press, freedom of speech, homosexuality, rock and roll, and psychedelic art!
# # #
Just goes to show that the Moon family aptitude for bilking credulous cretins does not translate well into other business activities.
If Liz really is going to be the editor, I’m subscribing . . . provided that
(1) The new editor adds a new “Naked Yoga & U!” page, and models for same.
(2) There is a weekly column on Sunken Jap Submarines. Ideally, with the editor doing a Naked Lotus position on the conning towers.
[re=457464]user-of-owls[/re]: Fret not, oh broken little owlet, for I shall welcome you under My benevolent wing with beak wide open, and gullet full of succor!
REJOICE in MY GLORY! BASK in MY LOVE! I am ALL YOU NEED!
(And so ends another installment of “Brainwash Theatre”…)
[re=457464]user-of-owls[/re]: (p.s. The “ROOF!” was in reference THIS, ya goof.)
[re=457465]shadowMark[/re]: Honk Honk!
[re=457488]Extemporanus[/re]: I have a cat, you plagiarizing racist…MASTER!
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.
PBS: “In the last episode of Victorian Buttseks Theatre, Charlotte was concerned when she overheard Lord Mounteboy asking the tailor if her corsette could be adjusted so it might fit a ‘strapping young lad, for example.’”
[re=457490]chascates[/re]: And yet again, the genius of Gummo goes unrecognized.
I remember a great book I used to read to my one-offs, Goodnight Moonie
[re=457430]chascates[/re]: I also worked in a 19th century newspaper and can do paste-up, mechanicals and run that 8 ton camera thing that merges pics and text. I will work for the half the price of chascates and also violently suppress unionization efforts by the Newsies.
Just for some perspective:*
WaPo circ: 673k
NYTimes circ: 1.07m
WSJ circ: 2.07m
WaaaaaaaaaaaaTimes circ: 94k
Dallas Morning News: 368k
Atlanta JC: 327k
Minneapolis ST: 322k
The Moonie Times is not and never has been a national paper. It’s circulation is less than that of papers in much smaller metro areas.
* all circulation numbers are from a Moonie Times article
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/apr/29/circulation-falls-at-most-top-newspapers/
I ,for one welcome the departure of our former religaeopoliticomedia overlords.
[re=457507]NYNYNY[/re]: SCAB! SCAB!
[re=457507]NYNYNY[/re]: I think there will be an opening for someone Juli can call ‘Ellsworth Toohey’ who must be willing ALWAYS to refer to Juli as ‘Dominique Francon’ even when everybody else just rolls their eyes.
[re=457507]NYNYNY[/re]: [re=457515]chascates[/re]: Wobblies weeble but they don’t fall down!
[Moviefone douchebag voice] Lucky Number SLEVIN..
I suddenly feel like buying flowers for those who lost their jobs. Perhaps I’ll burn this candle.
[re=457519]shadowMark[/re]: Where can I send my resume?
[re=457519]shadowMark[/re]: Yes Mr. Mark, me two! As in where can I send my application?
[re=457533]Howard Kurtz[/re]: [re=457534]Richard Cohen[/re]: It’s 2009. Resumes and applications are how the dinosaur media worked in the Citizen Kane days and looking for so-called “qualifications” and “credentials” just turned them into the dinosaurs of today. Remember chascates-as-Harpo is going to be the brains of our organization. I’m just guessing but I’d say when WE take over the Washington Times the entire organization should be staffed somehow along the lines of the Post’s America’s Next Great Pundit contest. Screw qualifications and credentials, somehow all of us who want to work there will just sort of work there and one-by-one we’ll let the internet (or each other) vote us off the paper one-by-one until the staff reaches normal size. Sounds like a plan. I mean, really, even if the plan isn’t perfect could this process result in a worse paper than what we’ve seen?
Liz should… Nah! I ain’t got nothin’ Wit escapes me tonight and, besides, I couldn’t care less about the fishwrapping rag. All I can really say is “Liz… get the fuck out!”
I get it! Wonkette will not touch Carrie Prejean (insert joke here).
[re=457555]stew[/re]: Maybe she could be the next intern.
[re=457555]stew[/re]: That’s inappropriate, Larry.
[re=457519]shadowMark[/re]: What about Gail? (Has a man really ever been named Gail?)
[re=457539]shadowMark[/re]: Can I have dibs on the “Firearms & Latest Mass Murder Pundit” position? Given the economy, and the way things have been going recently, it’s likely to be a weekly feature.
[re=457562]NYNYNY[/re]: Shouldn’t Jim be Gail? Remember Jim threatened to DESTROY everyone if they didn’t stop whining? I think Jim should be Gail.
[re=457563]Neilist[/re]: I think that defaults to you and I don’t see you getting voted out.
[re=457519]shadowMark[/re]: Wow, I’m remembering that scene where Howard has come up all sweaty from splitting stone in the quarry, Dominique is all icy cool with her white blond hair….wait a minute: what’s Greenspan doing here?
[re=457567]V572625694[/re]: This is kind of weird. I was wondering who I’d like to be and I thought of Howard’s friend, the sculptor Steven Mallory. But then I thought he got to see Dominique naked when she posed for him and I thought, oh, Juli, and I blushed.
[re=457568]shadowMark[/re]: I hate to abandon the Wonkette’s business plan for taking over the Times when it’s only half formed but I’ve got to go do stuff in the good-for-nothing real world. One last note: I would try to be an arts & entertainment pundit but I foresee myself getting voted out when I cause some scandal with painter Karen Kilimnik but I would try to make the scandal juicy enough for me to leverage into a book deal when my pundit career collapses.
I can’t believe no one has snapped up the plum Political Cartoonist position yet, so that is totally mine. Dibs!
I’m a
great cartoonist better cartoonist than anyone Josh will showcase in tomorrow’s “Cartoon Violence” and can endlessly recycle the same repeating Doonesbury gags ad infinitum; just like GB Trudeau does.I work cheap, too. All I’m asking is $5000 a month and an office next to Liz’s.
I guess we’re going to completely ignore Carrie “I love the hard-fucking and Jesus is my Savior” Prejean? We’re gonna totally ignore Larry King cold mouth-raping her live on teevee??
Yes..I’m being completely inappropriate with my OT comment.
[re=457430]chascates[/re]: But, can you do charticles, is the question? HENGHHH?
Did you guys feel that…?
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if dozens of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced in a District of Columbia newsroom. I fear something terrible has happened.
Who will fill this void of pure insanity?
[re=457584]El Pinche[/re]: Yeah, but I think she might have some journalistic skills too.
[re=457590]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: You sure that wasn’t just a little seismic activity in Michigun? Cause the only disturbance in the force down here is the remnants of Ida.
I want to be the legal correspondent, but how can I compete with a lawyer cum dentist?
Oh, and is a cum dentist what I think it is? And does it explain those white, white teeth?
I’m taking dibbs on staff photographer if you will allow me the honor of memorializing the battered bodies of hookers after an RNC convention, tasteless urinal solicitations, any compromising situation worth blackmail value, and babies crying at the sight of Lou Dobbs.
Thank you.
[re=457594]Robophobia[/re]: Seismic activity in Michigan? That’s like asking me if I’m sure it’s not snowing in the Maldives, or asking me if I’m sure that Michael Jackson is still dead. Mais oui, I’m sure.
What? Too soon?
Does anyone buy that paper? Isn’t everything paid for by the unpaid work of Moon cult members working in some fish packing places in Korea?
[re=457605]finallyhappy[/re]: Got to wrap those fish in something.
Well, if we are all showing off our antique newspaper skills, I can develop B&W. I can also ride a bicycle, so there’s a delivery department there.
[re=457427]bitchincamaro[/re]: “…they felt he had turned the ship in the right direction.”
This means the ship is oriented so that it settles in the channel, thus blocking further traffic. It’s what is known as the Washington Post maneuver.
Tiny bubbles. http://www.talkingpointsmemo.com/images/hyun-jin-preston.jpg
[re=457427]bitchincamaro[/re]: When the captain’s craxy, it’s time to get off the ship.
The beauty part is that Byron York is plastered all over DC promoting his recently acquired column in the Wash. Times. Heh.
Moon Crash
sung to the tune of “Moonie on Fire”
O Reverend!
My ugly under all asunder
break-ship over rocky trail
betrayed by lagging bitter
white flag ragged failing sail!
A freefall summer under choker’s block
hung like foreign ham
in hockey windows, end-around
the absent-minder
sham I am!
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