About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


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  • teebob2000

    Today, we are all birther sex-slave boy-toys before the Moldovan Taint Queen.

  • Servo

    Strange. She looks like a bitey bitch to me.

  • sfstewart

    I…I…*burp* just threw up a little in my mouth.

  • El Pinche

    Damn, I thought I’d never say this, but Orly makes my nipples hard.

  • SmutBoffin

    Can you imagine witnessing such a thing…

    “Daddy, what are you doing to that goggle-eyed muppet?! Why is she she screaming ‘SHOW ME THE CERTIFFIKAT SHOW ME THE CERTIFFIKAT’?”

  • bureaucrap

    My eyes! They burn!

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    I can never un-read that.

  • JSDC007

    If this birther could get Orly to the heights of crazy Moldovan wetness, imagine what Ann Coulter could do with her big, big, big endowment of an Adam’s apple!

  • Mahousu

    [re=456943]Servo[/re]: No, no, remember she’s a dentist, too. She knows what trouble sex bites can lead to.

    Anyway, she’s obviously more of a scratcher than a biter.

  • Click

    Someone’s got an Orly fixation.

  • freakishlystrong

    which we thought we’d pass along, to ruin your day.


  • Monsieur Grumpe

    You think she has an older sister or maybe her mother still around? Just asking.

  • proudgrampa

    Orly! Orly! Me love you long time.

  • JMP

    So Mr. Smith was too crazy for WorldNetDaily, yet the crazy bitch Taitz, Esq., DDS was too crazy even for him.

    Oh, and Ms. Taitz, with suborning perjury added to your many frivolous suits and refusal to pay sanctions, say goodbye to your bar membership.

  • PrairiePossum

    Reading that gave me rash. Thanks for nothing Wonkette.

  • you cannot be serious

    Ben Franklin recommends covering Oily’s top half with a basket and then playing with her biscuit.

  • sfstewart

    [re=456949]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I can never un-read that.

    I was thinking the exact same thing.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    A lesson to you ladies out there, always wondering WTF it is w/the Bachmans, Palins, etc and their appeal to menfolk.

    It’s the crazy, I tells ya. Do the crazy part right and you don’t even have to do the kinky part.

  • Joshua Norton

    [re=456946]El Pinche[/re]: It must be frustrating to be turned on and repulsed at the same time.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    You want the kinky, you gotta take a little of the crazy. They do go together, in my experience.

  • imissopus

    “Let me feeeenush! Let me feeeenush! No let me feeeenush!”

    I can haz eye bleach pleez?

  • Click

    Dude, if you want her to bite you’re gonna have to take the bag off her head.

  • sfstewart

    [re=456964]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: It’s the crazy, I tells ya. Do the crazy part right and you don’t even have to do the kinky part.

    I thought kinky was a must. All those years wasted in Catholic school.

  • ManchuCandidate

    My poor penis, you killed it. You bastards!!!

  • Prommie

    Sounds like she passes for sane, compared to her ranting followers, including the renowned Mr. Lincoln, who is a great man, and is probably a virgin, who has never seen anyone’s vajeeen, let alone Orly Taints’.

  • Click

    [re=456965]Joshua Norton[/re]: That’s where alcohol can be helpful.

  • SmutBoffin

    I’m no law-talkin’ guy, but can the judge in the case adjudicate that these facts are true? Like, could the judge come out and say “It is the determination of this court that Orly’s mouth can delaminate chromium cladding from a trailer hitch.”?

  • memzilla

    Can’t read entire TPM deposition .doc, bulls*** overload. TLDR, also.

  • ShamWow

    I imagine the crazy sexiness of Oily to the penis is similiar to the sexiness of serial killers to the ladies.

  • Click

    [re=456964]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Uh – I have yet to hear anyone here say how they’d love to bang Nancy Grace.

  • CapnFatback

    “So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin.”

  • Consider: These Pants

    Finally, a basis for concluding that Ben Franklin was a smart fellow.

  • shadowMark

    [re=456964]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: The Crazy is like Da Schwartz. There’s an up side and a down side. The up side is sexytimes blah blah blah. The down side is ice picks and where did my pet bunny go? The Japanese recently invented the word “yandere” for their mangas about The Crazy.

  • Prommie

    [re=456976]Click[/re]: Ooohhh, I never thought of her, but yeah, thats just the kinda crazy that will do the trick.

  • thesheriffisnear

    Miss Aimee Semple McPherson, meet Miss Orly Taitz. Miss Taitz, meet Miss McPherson. Regarding this karmic,soon-to-be viral sex scandal my only question is this: What took so damn long?

  • assistant/atlas

    Suddenly, I’m sexually curious about Michelle Bachmann.

    Wow…ok, yes, you did in fact ruin my day….oh Wonkett, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  • FMA

    [re=456964]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: As I’ve always said, crazy women are lots of fun until they stop being fun and you wake up with her standing over you holding a knife and speaking in tongues.

  • MarSF

    “Wetter, tighter….”

    Was that really necessary?

  • phineas_bounderby

    No doubt this has been done here, but upon reading those alarming excerpts, the best my fried circuitry could come up with is “The Orly bird catches the worm … but doesn’t bite”, and “Orly to bed, Orly to rise”.

  • 4tehlulz


  • Click

    [re=456975]ShamWow[/re]: That’s just fucked up.

  • Airborne Toxic Event

    Orly is tighter. Good to know.

  • Servo

    He just said no biting. What about, say, a chili dog?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=456976]Click[/re]: I’d imagine guys who are into extreme humiliation/debasement. “Verbal” to the thousandth power.

  • Click

    [re=456985]FMA[/re]: That’s what you get for falling asleep….

  • V572625694

    And here everyone thought Talking Points Memo was all political wonkery-geekery. Let’s see Daily Kos match this!

  • norbizness

    I would be more than perfectly happy to establish a special federal court for all birther-related litigation, so long as it was presided over by Judge Carrot Top and housed in a ROCKET HEADED FOR THE FUCKING SUN.

  • Gorillionaire

    I like reading this aloud whilst doing my Heady Lamar impersonation.

  • Click

    [re=456981]Prommie[/re]: I’ve always imagined that vag of hers is lined with razor wire. Careful.

  • thesheriffisnear

    Oh, throw in Helen Chenoweth. There’s a threesome for ya.

  • Whitey Did Katrina

    Yes. I would do the treason against AfrObama for some of that. Mostly because of the promised wetness. Yes.

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=456995]V572625694[/re]: Just so long as you refrain from the Slate references. Ewwwwww

  • maven

    This whole group of people are such liars who can believe anything any of them says?
    And I’m trying to figure out what the denominator is here of this “burther” dude’s experience with “younger women” might be. Ogling a summer temp at McDonald’s? Internet porn?

  • gurukalehuru

    Hotter, wetter, tighter It’s like the Olympics of fucking.

    Or maybe this Lincoln character just talks too much, like Jizzpump Duvall or whatever his name was, in California.

    Anyway, I suddenly feel a lot more empathy for Orly Taitz.

  • Click

    [re=456997]Gorillionaire[/re]: IT’S HEDLEY!!!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    She doesn’t bite because, as a dentist, she knows that teeth marks last a long time and could be used to identify her or the dude. And as for that turning some of y’all on — WTF? She always reminded me of Malcolm McDowell’s mom in A Clockwork Orange (who, for some reason, I couldn’t find any pics of online).

  • qwerty42

    so this is some sort of crazy, kinky, wingnut stream-of-consciousness legal brief? It even includes World Nut Daily? I was thinking maybe wetsuits too, but don’t want to get greedy.

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=456997]Gorillionaire[/re]: Orly, Orly, Orly, Orly, LEGS, Orly…

  • Aflac Shrugged

    [re=456988]phineas_bounderby[/re]: An affidavit read is a retina burned?

  • The Station Manager

    Well, my genitalia are now shriveled and useless. Thanks a lot, Wonkette.

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=456970]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Is the Melty man reference too arcane?

  • ohiolobbyist

    Umm. Fap?

  • smitallica

    If you like it tight, don’t even think about fucking Orly in the ass. It’s all floppy and loose from all the fake Kenyan birth certificates she keeps pulling out of it.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Not for me.

    Oily killed Captain Subtext a longtime ago.

  • Snarkalicious

    You know, my uncanny ability to only get mental images when I will it so has saved me once again. I laugh and laugh and laugh. I mean, seriously, when someone says “Picture This: Sean Hannity oil wrestling with fat Al Sharpton”…nothing. Haha. I hate you all, obvz.

    [re=456970]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Pictures or it didn’t happen.

  • the problem child

    It may well be that the torrid affair is over, as the renowned Charles Lincoln III is now living in a packing crate after having his home foreclosed on.

    Apparently, his lawyer forgot to tell him about a hearing they needed to go to.

    Yes, that lawyer. The one who has been sleeping with her clients, suborning perjury and generally being a stand-up member of the profession.

  • aleks

    Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=457017]smitallica[/re]: It’s not enough that you ruin it for people who like opposite-sex? I had considered myself impervious to the rapidly spreading impotence which is currently infecting Wonkette.

  • TubeCity

    Apparently Lucas Smith is a convicted felon and the noble Mr. Lincoln is a disbarred attorney. Together with Orly, they’re quite a team to save America.

    And, Mr. Lincoln, to say such things about a lady marks you as a cad and a bounder!

    And for you to repeat and print those things, Mr. Smith, marks YOU as a cad and a bounder!

  • JMP

    [re=456993]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Anyone who’s into extreme debasement just needs to read this affidavit. I still feel dirty all over.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=456986]MarSF[/re]: ORLY is DAFT.



  • mumblyjoe


  • Maxfretless

    Maybe I’m dense, but what on earth does this particular bit of testimony (hilarious as it is) have to do with a perjury suit? Are judges & lawyers forced to deal with her getting so bored that they’re just resorting to locker room talk while the stenographer writes?

  • FMA

    OK, just got back from reading a good bit of that brief. Jeebus, that’s good craziness. It reads like the work of a couple of illiterate meth heads.

  • proudgrampa

    [re=457036]TubeCity[/re]: Today, we are all cads and bounders!

  • populucious

    No biting and NO touching the hair. Otherwise, all freak is on the table.

  • desertwind


  • Brendan M.

    With weeping and with wailing, accursed Wonkett, do thou remain, for I know thee although thou art all filthy.

  • Click

    So what does she Taitz like?

  • PlanetWingnuta

    So Messy!

  • PlanetWingnuta

    oh and i forgot…NEVAH FORGIT!!!!!

  • Aflac Shrugged

    [re=457062]Maxfretless[/re]: The explanatory text seems to indicate that it’s part of an affidavit filed by a third party, along with his complaint. This part of the affidavit should never find its way into evidence, but it is hilarious nonetheless.

  • the problem child

    [re=457062]Maxfretless[/re]: Nothing at all to do with perjury. Nothing at all. But isn’t it just like the wingnuts to throw everything at the wall and hope that something will stick?

  • Suds McKenzie

    Can they fine that guy $20,000 for that deposition?

    Sweet Gentle Jeebus

  • Bad_Squishy

    [re=456996]norbizness[/re]: *chuckle* Oh you kids. That’s a great idea, but you’ll have a hard time convincing birthers that space exists without proof of its birth certificate.

    “We can make her crazier than she was before. Wetter, tighter, hornier.”

  • Gorillionaire

    [re=457004]Click[/re]: I love that joke!

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    It’s too bad there wasn’t a camera recording my reaction to reading that. It was just like those YouTube videos of people watching “Two Girls One Cup”.

  • davesnothere

    Damn! You couldn’t leave poor Ben Franklin out of this?

  • Anita Cocktail

    That affadavit gave me (Anita Cocktail) a headache.

  • chascates

    At least Jim hasn’t given us the mental picture of George H.W. and Barbara Bush having sex.

    Yet, anyway.

  • keepinitrealyo

    I can’t speak to Taitz specifically (now that I think of it, who can?) but this guy and Franklin are absolutely right about Older Women. Rrrrrrowr.

  • Neoyorquino

    It took ten damn long years, but this finally replaced ‘goatse’ as the “what has been seen cannot be unseen” mental imagery that will torment me unbidden in my quieter moments of contemplation.

  • JP

    Reading that affidavit drained all the snark out of me. With Orly living in such a fantasy world and behaving that way, I am left wondering what childhood abuse and horror she has survived.

    But I guess that is what it takes for you to become useful to MOSSAD on such a mission.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=456976]Click[/re]: Nancy Grace isn’t that kind of crazy — she’s just MEAN. “Get him on camera. I said GET HIM ON CAMERA!!!!! And you call yourself a lawyer??? Oh, yeah, right. You ARE a lawyer. How much do they pay you to coddle babykillers??? It’s a legitimate question. ANSWER ME-E-E-E-E!!!!!!!!!!! No, I don’t want to hear your answer. Bring up the other lawyer.”

    Seriously, who could find that attractive? Yet, she has good taste in jewelry.

  • Jukesgrrl

    “…wetter, tighter, more of a nympho than I’ve ever met…” Plastic surgery and hormone supplements COULD achieve that. But it would be expensive. No wonder she has to be a lawyer, a dentist, AND a Realtor.

  • thefrontpage





  • TVarmy

    If only Orly was more high profile… Then we could have Hustler make a very high quality production! I guess we’ll just have to settle for MANIAC SPACE MILFS FROM PLANET Y.

    (please let that be a real porno)

  • thefrontpage

    Some of us will have to politely disagree and put in a strong vote for women from 19 to 29–they are definately the best, on every level. For one thing, the odd middle-age crazy hasn’t set in yet. The college-aged girls and twentysomething girls are also more energetic, thinner, more positive, more fun, more sexually-active, cuter, prettier, they laugh more, and they have less anxiety. They party better. They’re more fun. And they look better.

  • CapnFatback

    [re=457113]chascates[/re]: Play this game to the right level, and you’ll get what you’re (NOT) looking for.

  • the problem child

    [re=457188]thefrontpage[/re]: I think you may find that you are baiting the wrong demographic here. Prepare for a world of disappointment, if everyone hasn’t already moved on to the next post. (Our middle-aged to aged attention spans are like that.) HENNNGGH?

  • Senile Agitation

    [re=456986]MarSF[/re]: Absolutely. Gratuitous, yet sexy. And without those key details, the horny and crazy stand alone like a picture of an orphan with big tearful eyes. Or not.

  • Wugou

    BLEEEAARARRRRRRRRGGHHHH! *continues retching after stomach contents are emptied*

  • Flanders

    [re=457186]TVarmy[/re]: what would those MILFS be doing, rescuing kidnapped priests?

  • McDuff

    [re=457002]maven[/re]: This whole group of people are such liars who can believe anything any of them says?

    Let Ken Starr sort it out — he seems to have a thing for investigating the sexy-times of the players in political soap operas.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=457049]Extemporanus[/re]: Damn you to HELL for ruining a perfectly good song. Geez, now I have to scrub it from my Zen, with bleach, even.

  • Sleeves

    [re=456964]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Oh God, it’s not merely true: It’s a fact!

  • Airborne Toxic Event

    So what if her taint is like sandpaper.

  • Mr Blifil

    I was getting into reading some of the hot steamy passages, but then my imagination kept unaccountably presenting me with images of Orly Taitz having hate sex while her eyes shone with murder, and the sudden bouts of racking, uncontrollable crying caused my burgeoning stiffie to wilt in short order.

  • EggplantParm

    [re=457012]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

  • Sleeves

    [re=456976]Click[/re]: :) Hey, Carrie Fisher where Jabba’s lap would be…it’s called non sequitur the chain therefore.

  • Guppy06

    [re=457155]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Two words: ball gag

  • Anita Cocktail

    Do you think that Orly and her guy are watching the lake in their side-by-side claw-legged Victorian bathtubs while the Cialis works?

  • Sleeves

    [re=457008]thesheriffisnear[/re]: We’ve been ordered to stop that for Shakespeare’s, sports’ and the Bible’s book of Judges thrown/flying into Orly sake.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=457263]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Aww, c’mon, doesn’t the fact that I linked to a video just for you (“HARDER”) count for anything?

  • Atlas Spanked

    This is the most delicious gossip train wreck I think I’ve ever read.

    Effin’ skanktacular.

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Suppose we can get William Shatner to read this?

  • Click

    Poor Orly, when she reads this, she’s going to spend every waking hour trying to find out who that 1% is – and destroy them.

  • Dean Booth
  • Dolmance

    I guess… But whenever I bang a woman on Thorazine, I always remember to bring plenty of lubricant, because most anti-psychotic medication causes difficulty for them in making any kind of moisture themselves. Quite often, they’re so dried up they can’t even make tears.

    That said, I’ve never been adverse to having sex with crazy people.

  • skutre

    now I have to stop over at xHamster and search –hotter wetter tighter insane raccoon mask nympho humping GMILF— for some instant tainted orly mess on the carpet.

    I’m so ashamed

  • Click

    [re=457492]Dean Booth[/re]: Jesus – I was expecting Orly and Lincoln III – not Glenn Close and Zac Efron!

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=457360]Sleeves[/re]: Commencing Natasha Fatale reference in 4…3…2…, dahlink

  • Sleeves

    [re=457528]thesheriffisnear[/re]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHUiCYAE2DY

  • AxmxZ


  • lulzmonger

    I’m pretty sure this post constitutes a violation of the Geneva Convention – & every ethical standard known to humankind.

    (translation: MOAR ORLY PRON PLZ)

  • new complexnegro

    If Orly Taitz would douche a little bit more every now and then, it would probably make all the difference.

  • Bruno

    [re=456947]SmutBoffin[/re]: Without a doubt she would be a screamer. I always wondered if dentists were into oral

  • riceroni

    Ever been to a brothel in Tel Aviv? I can believe every bit of this.

  • maximumneanderthal

    “This my sister, she number 4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan! She have vagine like sleeve of wizard!”
    Has anyone seen Sacha Baron Cohen and the Taint in the same room at the same time? Perhaps they are related? The public has a right to know……………

  • Sleeves

    [re=458054]maximumneanderthal[/re]: That would result of democracy’s truest focus.

  • Sleeves

    [re=457528]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Nowadays, we get to keep our 5¢, because the DOT is so cheap.

  • womanhattan

    I read that TPM post weeks ago and didn’t know about that hidden gem in the document. I depend on TPM to get information. I depend on Wonkette to highlight the good stuff.

  • CaptainDog

    [re=457093]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]:

    – you beat me to this post