ch-ch-ch-changes

Meet Your New Lou Dobbs: This John King Guy!

Everyone very politely say “hello” to John King, who will be taking over journalism now that Lou Dobbs is no longer with us. King’s current gig is hosting State of the Union, which exists. According to Michael Calderone, one of “the good ones” at POLITICO: “The move reflects the network’s stated ambitions to be viewed as non-partisan in the evenings, as opposed to MSNBC and Fox, which boasts more outspoken commentators on the left and right.” However, Lou Dobbs will secretly stay on as Legitimate John King. [Michael Calderone]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

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  • Come here a minute

    I am fine with this choice, as long as his first guess is Orly Taitz.

  • user-of-owls

    Lou Dobbs will secretly stay on as Legitimate John King…

    …and spearhead the movement against Big Tamale.

  • stew

    Maybe John can take another shot at interviewing Carrie Prejean; she needs a less agressive interviewer than Larry King.

  • Mr Blifil

    Ghey-er than Lou Dobbs even, if that’s possible.

  • norbizness

    LOOK YE UPON HIS VULCANIZED RUBBER FACE AND DESPAIR

  • Terry

    Now, Headline News needs to encourage Nancy Grace to leave to “pursue other opportunities”.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Are ANY of these people a normal flesh tone?

  • Terry

    [re=456773]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]:

    Not since Ray’s Tropical Tan-O-Rama set up shop in the atrium area of the CNN building in Atlanta.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I have an idea for a screenplay…

    Oily Taintz as Birfer Hood
    John King as King John Obama
    Lou Dobbs as King Dick of Fake Orange

    It is the saga of Birfer Hood and the Teabaggers who are out to rob from the stupid to feed the RW rich loons and stop the darkness of socializm/fascism/racism (against whites only)/intelligence/hope/Muslins engulfing the kingdumb of Dumbfuckistan. John King plays the usurper King John Obama who steals the rightful rule of King Dick of Fake Orange as played by the world’s fattest/tallest Oompah Loompah, Lou Dobbs.

  • Suds McKenzie

    Get this man some suspenders!

  • Click

    WaPo has a nice headline: “John King to take over Dobbs’s slot at CNN”

  • Mr Blifil

    “Every night, he’ll share his passion and his insights about what is really going on in Washington and across America.”

    Emended: “Every night he’ll transmit his passionate emissions via his own infectious approach to viewers.”

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    But will any of us live long enough to watch him slowly morph into Larry King? Maybe I’ll just leave my TV off for a few decades so I can be surprised.

  • shadowMark

    Given Dobbs’ opinionated presence on air, CNN could never fully make the argument that they were the network of straight news at night

    Remember when Lou dressed up as a sexy Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? Lou was always so gay.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=456780]Mr Blifil[/re]: That’s what’s known as a news release.

  • Aflac Shrugged

    And here I was hoping they’d pick George Lopez. What does become of a dream deferred?

  • shadowMark

    Oh, and I bet if poor Juli had typed as opposed to MSNBC and Fox, which boasts more outspoken commentators everybody would be all over her.

  • Prommie

    Shouldn’t someone say that they, for one, welcome our new (insert witty part) overlord?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    I imagine this was how it went down with Jon Klein:

    Orange skin? Check.
    “Hard-line” conservative? Check.
    Better hair and less body fat than Lou Dobbs? Check.
    Gayer than a box of geese? Check.

    Ding, ding, ding! John King FTW.

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    The move reflects the network’s stated ambitions to be viewed as non-partisan in the evenings

    I assume this is a new ambition, since until recently CNN employed both Glenn Beck and Lou Dobbs.

    I have to wonder how this was pitched. “Our ratings suck, but we’ll get more viewers if we make our programming blander. Presenting the new CNN: Tofu TV!”

  • dum librul

    I can’t look at this douche without being reminded of his assholish response to Glenn Greenwald’s criticism. http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2008/01/16/king/index.html

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Now that he has a better gig, John will stop applying his pancake t.v. makeup with a Wagner Turbo Roller.

  • Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=456793]Prommie[/re]: The fact that no one has yet to come up with a “witty part” doesn’t bode well for John.

  • Paterlanger

    What an incredible opportunity CNN is missing to establish itself as the network of record as opposed to being merely “non-partisan”. If you look at the dynamic between MSNBC and Fox you find that the one is partisan to the extent that it spends all its airtime debunking the partisan lies the other one tells. So CNN’s approach to success is to engage in neither lying nor debunking of lies. So what does that leave? Oh, right, missing children stories.

  • Hedley Lamar

    [re=456793]Prommie[/re]: Today, we are all [insert name here.]

  • proudgrampa

    I’ve stopped watching all of them: CNN, MSNBC, FOX. They’re all shit.

    I get all my news now from Wonkette.

  • TGY

    [re=456809]Hedley Lamar[/re]: John King. Also!

  • Native of SL UT

    What is the point?

  • Chain Tattoo

    I see from the pic that John King has a big, blue halo.
    That’s how you can tell that he’s the good guy.
    Buy why can’t Jesus get a gig hosting a “news’ show?

  • pampl

    [re=456812]proudgrampa[/re]: I’ve got some bad news for you about Dobbs’ next job.

  • trondant

    [re=456803]Paterlanger[/re]: Yeah, but the facts have a well-known librul bias &c., so that’s a no-go for CNN.

  • Maus

    [re=456773]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: hate’s a kissin’ cousin to skin cancer, apparently.

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=456818]Chain Tattoo[/re]: “[Gray and orange] is a sophisticated color combo with a little bit of an edge. Combining a cool gray (like Dior Gray) with warm orange accents can make a space really come to life. The combination is so strong that it can stand on its own, but it also works with a dark grounding element like a deep blue-gray.”

    I read that decorating tip somewhere.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=456798]dum librul[/re]: Too true. He will double down with the crazee now that the advertisers have been discomfited by Lou Dobb’s unfair handling by messicans, like his wife and in-laws.

  • MARCdMan

    I’m waiting for a source other than politico before i believe.

  • thefrontpage

    NEWS FLASH:

    LOU DOBBS NAMED AS NEW PRESIDENT, PUBLISHER, CHAIRMAN AND CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER AT THE WASHINGTON TIMES!

    “This is great news!” said new Managing Editor George Will.

    # # #

  • V572625694

    John King had Cheney on his Sunday show the morning the Personal Death Squads story broke, and never asked him about it. Pussy. Carrie Prejean’d have him in tears in ten minutes.

    [re=456796]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: A box of geese is/are gay? There’s so much to learn. How about a bushel basket of kittens?

  • Scarab

    Alright, one down…
    Next I’m off to shoot at John Stossel’s house.

  • Prommie

    [re=456815]TGY[/re]: All your John Kings are belong to us.

  • ph7

    John, a word of advice – don’t use Lou’s old chair. Trust me on this.

  • snideinplainsight

    Needs more space orcs.

    What? That wasn’t relevant?

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=456832]Prommie[/re]: Meet the new tool, same as the old tool.

  • Humpback

    [re=456793]Prommie[/re]: All right, all right. “I, for one, welcome our new royally-surnamed overlord.” Happy now?

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    He’s the guy that controls that magic box on election nights. He’s some sort of witch.

  • Prommie

    [re=456837]Humpback[/re]: Not until I get a “trucknutz.”

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    Important information on the larger conspiracy. “On May 25, 2008, King married fellow CNN reporter Dana Bash. Before marrying Bash, King converted to Judaism, Bash’s religion.”

    So saith, the Wikipedia.

  • Spike

    Dam, I was really hoping they’d give his job to a Mexican.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=456793]Prommie[/re]: “for one, welcome our new (full size Anderson Cooper) overlord?

  • Keram2

    John King looks like a straight Anderson Cooper.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=456831]Scarab[/re]: Aim for the eaves.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=456831]Scarab[/re]: And then to hurl Oreo cookies at Michael Steele. THE AIR SHALL BE THICK WITH THEM.

  • thefrontpage

    Is Anderson Cooper a straight news anchor?

  • proudgrampa

    [re=456869]Spike[/re]: They could give him a Spanish or Aztec Name: Juan Rey or Juan Tloquenahuaque.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=456831]Scarab[/re]: I wonder what it would take to make Stossel crack on air…

  • ph7

    [re=456843]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Guess we know who wears the yarmulke in that relationship.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    “On May 25, 2008, King married fellow CNN reporter Dana Bash. Before marrying Bash, King converted to Judaism, Bash’s religion.”

    Married her and converted to Judaism, for her? Man, Ol’ Horseface must be some kinda giddyap-girl in the sack.

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=456945]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Horseface? Neigh, I was thinking more of a nutritionally-deprived salamander, in a cute sort of way — the Olsen twin’s poorer, older sister.

  • betterDeadThanRed

    The problem with all of these alien androids is that they don’t get the skin quite right. Dobbs, this John King guy, Cheney, McCain. Look closely at any of them. Does that look like living flesh to you? Just sayin’.

    [re=456812]proudgrampa[/re]: Wonkette and NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me”

  • assistant/atlas

    This guy? Christ, someone very high up at CNN really has a thing for vaguely-gay silver foxes…

  • Hedley Lamar

    He’s not orange enough for my anti-mexican tastes.

  • bricks

    Nonpartisan? John KING? After the way he lovingly smooched McCain’s unremarkable buttocks before the general?

    After he gently nibbled Cheney’s evil balls on national teevee?

    Please

    Don’t insult my elephantine, steel trap memory, CNN

    You disgust me (again)

  • K.C.

    The Name of the Rosacea: or, The Lou Dobbs Story

    Here’s to that pundit named Lou!
    That Coulter he’d sure like the screw.
    “You say she’s a tranny? —
    But I lust for her fanny!
    At least she loathes Mexicans, too.”

  • DP

    Oh, my aching keister! Is there no one under the age of 40 even remotely qualified to be on CNN?

  • EdFlinstone

    Well if politico says “hes one of the good ones”, then he must be a right wing douche ala David Gregory.

  • octupletsmom

    I dumped CNN when they dumped Aaron Brown, their best guy. Cable “news” isn’t, but he at least presented it like Mr. Rogers for grown-ups, and I was completely gay for that.

  • Mickey7

    CNN wants to look pretend impartial in the evenings? How does Campbell Brown qualify as impartial? She’s married to Dan Senor, a Bush staffer and rightwing analyst for Fox New who actively supports the stupid tea bagger movement (when it suits his political needs). I don’t hear her owning up to her own conflict of interest when she’s pushing the WH on their ‘war on Fox.’ So now they have the wife of a neocon Republican operative and an anchor who has accidentally betrayed his conservative leanings on several occasions. Where exactly is the impartiality? The MSM has bought into the screaming right screed–if it lean’s left it’s biased, if it leans right it’s ‘fair.’

  • Tazzie

    Why am I imagining King and Dobbs replaying All About Eve behind the scenes at CNN.