GROSS  3:04 pm November 11, 2009

Mark Halperin Currently Making Out With Copy Of ‘Going Rogue’

by Jim Newell

Ooh la la! TIME magazine’s president of sadness, Mark Halperin, appears to be having the whack of his life right now, reading Sarah Palin’s book. Or at least someone Photoshopped to look like Mark Halperin is! (Fred Thompson??) What is the fake masturbating Mark Halperin/Fred Thompson computer robot discovering?

Based on discussions with various sources who have seen or been briefed on the book’s contents, here’s what you can expect from “Going Rogue”:

* just five chapters—but they are very, very long.

* some score settling with McCain aides she believes ill-served her (names will be named).

* a hearty bashing of the national media.

* an account of how her upbringing shaped her maverick sensibilities.

* a testimonial to the importance of faith in her life.

* a warm and personal tone, written in Palin’s own voice, despite the involvement of a collaborator.

Two things not in the book:

* Don’t look for hefty policy prescriptions.

* Once source who has seen “Going Rogue” says it does not include an index. That would give Palin a subtle revenge on the party’s Washington establishment, whose members tend to flip to the back pages and scan for their own names. If they want to know what Sarah Palin has to say about them, they will have to buy the book—and read the whole thing.

Well everything here falls under the “no shit” category, so congratulations with the mischievous click bait, TIME PR lady.

What’s in Sarah Palin’s book [The Page]


Hola wonkerados.

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Crank Tango November 11, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Looks like somebody needs to watch the “you suck at photoshop” series of instructional videos.

rafflesinc November 11, 2009 at 3:09 pm

“If they want to know what Sarah Palin has to say about them, they will have to buy the book—and read the whole thing.”

Or buy the ebook and use the search function . . .

Aflac Shrugged November 11, 2009 at 3:09 pm

If Sarah’s command of names is anything like her command of policy, the index would probably be devoted mostly to “This one guy” or “Katie something-or-other.”

qwerty42 November 11, 2009 at 3:12 pm

will more people read Sarah’s book than read Halperin’s?

vladster November 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Its hard to index a random assortment of shit, jibes, idiotic brain farts and everybody that Sarah wants to die.

user-of-owls November 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm

[re=456070]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: More likely, it would just have one heading: ME.

Scarab November 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Apparently you can fake any image by putting a subtle ‘photo illustration’ at the bottom.

Extemporanus November 11, 2009 at 3:15 pm

Mark Halperin is actually “reading” a copy of Cumming Rogue.

(Sorry, but that was too apropos not to re-post…)

Dilaceratus November 11, 2009 at 3:15 pm

I’m guessing the sweatered gentleman holding the mask over his face in that very Eyes Wide Shut pose to be none other than A. Sullivan, and what is mistakenly thought to be a state of Arousal is, in fact, an uncomfortably malpositioned Pocket, Day-by-Day Guide to Pregnancy.”

PrairiePossum November 11, 2009 at 3:15 pm

So Going Rogue = Chick Lit For Dummies.

Johnny Zhivago November 11, 2009 at 3:17 pm

What about recipes??? I’ll buy the book, but only if it has some new ideas for mooseburgers or wolf stew.

SmutBoffin November 11, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Excerpts NOW plz…even made-up is OK.

Haha, the lack of an index also contributes to the overall “non-book” character of this important book. The book also doesn’t have:

1) page numbers (they’re elitist and, like a Burroughs story you can just start reading anywhere)
2) paragraphs (it’s written like she thinks!)
3) a point and/or medium-to-long-term relevance to American politics

WadISay November 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm


1. Within 24 hours after Going Rogue hits the bookshelves, somebody will come out with an iPhone app for finding stuff in it, so you don’t have to read the thing.

2. When the above happens, the most searched terms will be: “self-abuse”, “retard”, and “how I aced nuclear physics at Northwestern Idaho State Ag”.

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=456076]vladster[/re]: No kidding. Either that or Sarah couldn’t find an indexer/librarian-type that she could pay enough money to read it.

CycloneArmageddon November 11, 2009 at 3:19 pm

* a warm and personal tone, written in Palin’s own voice, despite the involvement of a collaborator.

“Well gosh darn it, I’d just pert lipstick on and that McCain feller started making piggy noises and when I says, “You betcha hot dog!” all he says is “HENGHHHHHHH.”

Lawndarts November 11, 2009 at 3:20 pm

This book sounds delightful! I will surely send my manservant Pedro out to purchase this as soon as it become available at the book repository.

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2009 at 3:20 pm

[re=456070]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Newspaper editors are going to be disappointed when they turn to the back and there’s no entry for “All of them.”

Click November 11, 2009 at 3:20 pm

[re=456080]Extemporanus[/re]: That book actually looks like a Thesaurus, in which case the title should be “Palin Comparison,” and the first entry should be ‘stupid cunt.’

shadowMark November 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=456086]WadISay[/re]: Amazon sez there will be a Kindle edition. Does the Kindle machine have a search feature?

ManchuCandidate November 11, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Also not found:
*intelligent thoughts
*thoughts beyond “You betchya!” or “I’m hungry.”

The reason it did not have an index was because Sarah Palin didn’t know what that was and was shocked to find it was some how associated with Ayres, Bill ( a known terrorist) that she demanded that it be taken out

hockeymom November 11, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Will it have recipes?

Click November 11, 2009 at 3:23 pm

At least he has the cum rag securely positioned.

chascates November 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm

There will be no footnotes, endnotes, or acknowledgments either. I’m betting God or Jesus is mentioned at least 5 times in any preface.

Holy Cow!! November 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm

I, Victim
I, Sarah
is Chapter one

You read it here first.

Extemporanus November 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm

[re=456092]Click[/re]: It could also be Volume “Y” of her Encyclopedia of Fine Dining.

vespula maculata November 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Well, Levi’s not even 25, right? He’s been working out, and unless there’s serious things wrong with that body -which we would have heard about before now- he ought to be able to steal the spotlight back again from almost-mommy-in-law. But hurry up.

slappers November 11, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Is he wearing a snuggie? That should be the next attempt to sell this book – a 90% discount plus free leopard print snuggie!

DP November 11, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Not Fred Thompson or surely those little hands would be covered in liver spots and other signs of decrepitude…I’m gonna guess Bill Kristol.

ThePuckStopsHere November 11, 2009 at 3:34 pm

I don’t want to break this down like the goofballs who spend their lives areguing that the shawdows fall the wrong way in the b@w’s of LHO holding his rifle and commie newspaper before he shot JFK and on the so-called “pictures” from the moon, but who the hell holds a book by cupping it in their arm instead of grasping it with their oppasable thumb? Clearly “Halperin”–if that’s even his real name–is copping a feel off the cover picture with his left hand while he holds the book with his (what?)wrist. And his right hand looks, like, totally gay. And it he was really reading Bible Spice’s book, wouldn’t his sweater be covered in wretch? Also.

JMP November 11, 2009 at 3:35 pm

The book is dedicated to “My Special Little Angel, the retard baby.”

ella November 11, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=456069]rafflesinc[/re]: Or just wait for somebody to call, saying, “Holy fuck! Do you know what Palin said about you?”

Click November 11, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=456119]slappers[/re]: And who’s the hand model for christ’s sake – Sean Connery???

Can O Whoopass November 11, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Chapter Nine – How To Bend Over and Grab Your Ankles for a TV Sports Anchors Job.

Mr Blifil November 11, 2009 at 3:39 pm

So wait…rather than take a picture of Mark Halperin reading a copy of her book, they take a stock photo of some dude reading and then hire a college freshman/someone’s kid to badly Photoshop not only the Palin book (as if it were an august leather-bound serious tome) and it’s cover, but they had to Photoshop in Halperin’s freakin’ head too?

Who signed off on that monstrosity? If you can look at that photo and think it looks either convincing or funny, you suck balls dipped gently in a cup of hot tea.

snideinplainsight November 11, 2009 at 3:40 pm

We can’t kill all the Palins. So we wanna win as many hearts and minds of good moderately retarded Palins as we can.

Click November 11, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=456124]JMP[/re]: “the retard baby.” Um, we don’t refer to them in that way, the proper term is “toddler.”

Jukesgrrl November 11, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Hey, she was only a journalism UNDERgraduate. They don’t get to that indexing stuff until graduate school.

YellowKid November 11, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=456089]CycloneArmageddon[/re]: Thanks….I hadn’t heard a good ‘HENGHHHHH’ in months. Takes me back to a simpler time…..

Crank Tango November 11, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=456131]snideinplainsight[/re]: which is why I say this: I love you Bristol!

Extemporanus November 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm

[re=456127]Click[/re]: Aye, lassie!

S.Luggo November 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm

[re=456127]Click[/re]: And is that a raincoat on Marky’s lap? If so, what’s the giant summit in the middle?

Prommie November 11, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Halperin is a giant sack of douche.

Monsieur Grumpe November 11, 2009 at 3:57 pm

When the audio book comes out, do you suppose they’re going to get Palin to read it?
Good god, what an ear ache that would be.

trondant November 11, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=456160]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Shatner, ‘natch.

tiger November 11, 2009 at 4:09 pm

He is obviously masturbating into a sock…

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us November 11, 2009 at 4:10 pm

That is Mark Halperin’s head photoshopped onto McCain’s body, which has also, too, been photoshopped holding Sarah’s fake book, too, also, you betcha!

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us November 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm

There is no way anything Sarah wrote is that thick!

El Pinche November 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm

It’s fake ??? Ya think? This is the original :

TubeCity November 11, 2009 at 4:20 pm

I like that Palin’s cover has been photo-shopped onto some old book, and Palin’s cover itself contains photo-shop of hair scarf and hair hoodie, in an infinite regress of fake.

bobwurst November 11, 2009 at 4:21 pm

Why does Halpern buy his furniture at Walmarts?

JMP November 11, 2009 at 4:21 pm

[re=456185]CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us[/re]: Just like many of us did with papers in college, Palin’s upped the page count by writing in 16-point Courier New.

bobwurst November 11, 2009 at 4:22 pm

[re=456185]CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us[/re]: Maybe she lost a bet and had to write a book as thick as she is.

thesheriffisnear November 11, 2009 at 4:23 pm
JMP November 11, 2009 at 4:26 pm

[re=456191]TubeCity[/re]: From the spine, the original looks to be a legal textbook published by WestLaw; ironic, as Palin’s knowledge of the law is limited to moose-hunting regulations.

S.Luggo November 11, 2009 at 4:28 pm

[re=456160]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “When the audio book comes out, do you suppose they’re going to get Palin to read it?”

It could be her first time.

kewlguy42069 November 11, 2009 at 4:36 pm

haha please tell me that photoshop is bad ironically

Extemporanus November 11, 2009 at 4:37 pm

[re=456186]El Pinche[/re]: I found Masturbation for Dummies to be quite engrossing.

predilectrix November 11, 2009 at 4:39 pm

[re=456186]El Pinche[/re]: For shame, iconoclast!!11!

The TIME pic is nearly bad enough for
Halperin’s head is perched a few couple to the right of his spine, the swarthy face is paired with lily white hands, and it looks like someone is pleasuring him under a khaki comforter.

Scoops McGee November 11, 2009 at 4:46 pm

The printer guys were going to charge extra for the index-thingy. The co-author guy, also.

the problem child November 11, 2009 at 4:48 pm

[re=456203]JMP[/re]: Good eye.

Gorillionaire November 11, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Is it just me or is Kathy Bates looking kinda evil and hot in that new SyFy movie thingy? It’s just me? Well dammit I just don’t care I am enjoying my wank quite nicely thank you very much. Oh this isn’t the comments section about wanking? Or it is? I’m confused.

FlownOver November 11, 2009 at 5:12 pm

[re=456122]DP[/re]: I’m pretty sure it’s Halperin holding up the Halperin mask. Who else would risk being mistaken for him?

El Pinche November 11, 2009 at 5:19 pm

[re=456217]predilectrix[/re]: I was going to use Extemporanus’ “Trig needs more cowbell” version of Trig’s head, but I thought that was a bit too highbrow.

assistant/atlas November 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm

I’m pretty sure I can’t express in words how much I hate Mark Halperin. The best I’ve got is “fuck off and die you fucking fuckface hack so I can dance and piss all over your grave and then unbury your corpse and shit all over that because you are the worst fake journalist in the history of TIME magazine.” Hmmm…still not there….needs more bile.

DDD November 11, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Woo hoo…just bought (it was still available!).

Step 2…figure out how to make back at least my $20 with it!

Carl Spakler November 11, 2009 at 5:46 pm

Mark Halperin….reading Palin’s book so you don’t have to.

Extemporanus November 11, 2009 at 6:31 pm

[re=456175]trondant[/re]: Snatchner?


[re=456254]El Pinche[/re]: Good choice.

You can put eyebrows on a cowbell, but it’s still just…oh wait, you said “highbrow”?


Bruno November 11, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Without an index how can I prioritize the bits about cock?

Extemporanus November 11, 2009 at 7:14 pm

“I am [re=456255]assistant/atlas’[/re] raging bile duct.”

TVarmy November 11, 2009 at 7:21 pm

No index, eh? What’s to stop one from feeding the book through a book scanner, and then searching through it with OCR software?

This lack of foresight is disturbing from someone who may be elected to put her finger on the button circa 2013.

el_burrito November 11, 2009 at 7:39 pm

What’s in Sarah’s box …

rocktonsammy November 11, 2009 at 7:39 pm

I blame the Todd.

Hes out on that snow machine 6 months out of the year and not controlling his woman.

Norbert November 11, 2009 at 8:09 pm

Casey Kasem is recording the books on tape version?

Click November 11, 2009 at 8:37 pm

[re=456215]Extemporanus[/re]: Gripping, in fact.

El Pinche November 11, 2009 at 10:26 pm

[re=456215]Extemporanus[/re]: Over time, I fused mine shut.

[re=456443]Norbert[/re]: I hope he does it in Shaggy’s voice for the people!

depraved indifference engine November 12, 2009 at 8:40 am

Halperin is on Morning Joe at this moment, and unless Chris Licht is doin’ some wicked live After Effects, Halperin ACTUALLY looks like that.

smitallica November 12, 2009 at 10:01 am

Only five chapters? Her other tome, “Colleges I Attended to Earn a Fucking Bachelor’s Degree,” had six.

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