WAGG THE BOG  12:55 pm November 11, 2009

Marco Rubio Downloads Sarah Palin’s Brain Torrent, And The RNC Goes Green

by Riley Waggaman

Personality Parade!

In an effort to reduce its carbon footprint, the REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE has pledged to recycle smear campaigns and political spin! Yes, MICHAEL STEELE has finally done it! He’s bringing back all your favorites: “flip-flopper” … WILLIE HORTON … “cut and run” … “Why did the Democrats flip-flop and let Willie Horton cut and run?” This is an important question Michael Steele will inevitably ask in the days to come.

GO-GO GOSSIP: REP. JOSEPH CAO (R-LA), known affectionately by close friends and secret admirers as “that bastard piece of shit fuck from Saigon,” owns a freezer, and uses it to hide his liberal political beliefs from the FBI … Former Arkansas governor and incumbent religious zealot MIKE HUCKABEE broke his foot, à la THE DANCIN’ HAMMER. And now what can poor Mike do besides sit on his couch and stuff his face with sticks of Land O’Lakes and protein shakes? … Fresh-squeezed Florida wingnut MARCO RUBIO and Halloween costume SARAH PALIN have identical thoughts on all subjects, theorems and matters. But P2P sharing is illegal! … REP. ILEANA ROS-LEHTINEN (R-FL) is frustrated the American embargo has not prevented Cubans from importing Twitter machines. Cheer up Ileana, at least they don’t have toilet paper! …

On a scale of one to ten, how “intellectual” is GEORGE W. BUSH? If you didn’t bruise your tonsils when you screamed TEN!!!, you are probably a misinformed asshole. George is a ferocious reader and has memorized Caps for Sale in its entirety. He spanks DEEP BLUE in Connect Four on a regular basis. Last night he translated the Koran from its original muslin. Please show this man some respect, America. He gave you so much.

Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com

 

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{ 47 comments }

Gorillionaire November 11, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Constantly insisting that your man-crush George W. Bush is an “intellectual” is alot like always having to say that your favorite major label record produced by Mutt Lange is “punk rock”.

Click November 11, 2009 at 1:03 pm

I don’t know much about this term “carbon footprint.” Is that some new design for re-tracing your steps?

chascates November 11, 2009 at 1:07 pm

Sooner or later Huckabee would have to get one of those ride-around scooters for fat people. His will have an American flag, a ‘God is My Co-Pilot’ bumper sticker, an air horn, and a side car for snacks.

Noodle Salad November 11, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Of course Marco, not Charlie, is the one getting all hot and bothered about “drilling here and now” with Sarah Palin.

NotthatLC November 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Willie F’ING HORTON??
Further evidence that Steele is a DNC plant. He’s not even trying to hide it this time.

Crank Tango November 11, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=455919]Click[/re]: Ugh. When we had a fireplace, I left those all over the carpet and the landlord made me get it shampooped.

Joshua Norton November 11, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Sorry wingnutz. You LOVED Chimpy for his boyish charm, now deal with the results of the boyish behavior that went along with it.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 November 11, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=455922]chascates[/re]: Side Car for Snacks is my new band name.

magic titty November 11, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Halloween costume SARAH PALIN

Well done, sir Riles.

teebob2000 November 11, 2009 at 1:20 pm

>>Halloween costume SARAH PALIN

I’d trademark phrase that if I were you.

chascates November 11, 2009 at 1:25 pm

The book “Bush on the Couch”, by Dr. Justin Frank, delves into Bush’s problems with reading and posits that he has dyslexia (like his brother Neal) and ADHD. Throughout his schooling he couldn’t sit still, made verbal outbursts in class, wrote poorly, and adopted his folksy, jokey persona to cope. His guilt and humiliation over his inability to learn caused his hatred of people with academic credentials or intellectual leanings.
In the White House his staff only set up two or three 30- to 45-minute hard policy sessions per week (about Clinton’s total per day) and limited all papers he saw to 1-2 pages. Bush’s press conferences always devolved into smirking wise-cracks and repetitions of basic phrases he seized on. His public image of a common man was the way he coped with a domineering mother with depression, a distant and mostly absent father, and a way to make his personal failures seem irrelevant. Add his emotional problems due to no therapy after he stopped drinking and you have a picture of the real Bush.
He’s always convinced himself that he never made any mistakes and that he is God’s special agent, an exceptional American whose past errors were wiped away by being born-again.
What’s surprising is not that he was almost elected twice by a majority of the people but that he didn’t do any more damage than he did.

Johnny Zhivago November 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm

WW-3 is going to be started by Twitter in some way…

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 11, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Haha, Bush read “heavy-duty stuff, like French history” according to Negroponte’s aide. Or maybe Dumya was just perusing this classic French tome.

Monsieur Grumpe November 11, 2009 at 1:31 pm

Don’t forget that W was also a great dancer.
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/04_02/BushCrossEyeBIG_468x582.jpg
Yup. A real renaissance man.

SlouchingTowardsWasilla November 11, 2009 at 1:34 pm

To be fair, he didn’t say Bush was an intellectual. He said Bush was more intellectual than we think, which ain’t saying much. Anyone who turns reading into a race and claims to read 2-3 books per day, well….. he’s actually dumber than I thought he was.

Oldskool November 11, 2009 at 1:37 pm

One of Dumyas admirers posted that George is a “victim of cultural bigotry” and he used quotes around “cultural” and also “Southern Gentlelman” and “drawl” but no quotes around “real and sincere”. Baffling.

predilectrix November 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Katydid, you sly dog. Even if I hadn’t recognized your name on the Bush article comments, I would have guessed it was one of our own.
http://www.usnews.com/blogs/washington-whispers/2009/11/10/negroponte-bush-more-intellectual-than-you-think.html

Come here a minute November 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Today we are all misinformed assholes.

Cape Clod November 11, 2009 at 1:43 pm

[re=455950]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I’m thinking it was more along the lines of Asterix the Gaul or Tintin on the Moon.

Come here a minute November 11, 2009 at 1:49 pm

[re=455958]predilectrix[/re]: Yes, I noticed the Wonkette tone, but missed the signature. Well done, K.

However, there is a scary poll result on that page, where (as of this writing) 58 percent say that given the choice, even knowing what they know now, they would not have voted Clinton into a third term against George W. Bush in 2000.

Paul Tardy November 11, 2009 at 1:55 pm

WILLIE HORTON? WTF? Why is everyone so obsessed with a Canadian doughnut chain? Non sense.

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2009 at 1:56 pm

It’s amazing how the people who argue that Dubya is smarter than we give him credit for never produce any specific examples. Oh, he had a reading race with Karl Rove — so what did he read, Mr. Negroponte? Same for Reagan — any president who is given “assignments” (which apparently consist mostly of memorizing lines) instead of — oh, giving assignments had a few jellybeans short of a jar.

magic titty November 11, 2009 at 2:01 pm

[re=455967]SayItWithWookies[/re]: He can read upside-down books, Wookies. AND he can see through closed binoculars. Top that, hater.

JMP November 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm

Now, of course Bush is an intellectual; he went to Yale undergrad and Harvard B-School, and got into both entirely on his own merits.

The Michael Steele story explains why McCain and Lieberman have put forth their plan for “Peace with Honor” in Iraq, and Huckabee giving out his “I like Mike” 2012 buttons.

CycloneArmageddon November 11, 2009 at 2:08 pm

“heavy-duty stuff, like French history”

Ah yes, because French History is so weighty. It’s the American’s-Ass of world history.

PsycGirl November 11, 2009 at 2:09 pm

[re=455950]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Maybe he just talked about how he used “French letters” a lot. He gets history points for using an archaic euphemism for condoms. Don’t know if he threw them on anyone’s lawn.

JMP November 11, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=455967]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You and your int-lectal ‘leetism. Not only did W. read three books a day, he managed to find Waldo every single time!

Joshua Norton November 11, 2009 at 2:11 pm

[i]Anyone who turns reading into a race and claims to read 2-3 books per day, well….. he’s actually dumber than I thought he was.[/i]

He read “War and Peace” in just under an hour. He’s pretty sure it was about Russia.

Joshua Norton November 11, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=455985]Joshua Norton[/re]:

Hmmm. Wonder why the brackets went all weird like that. Oh well.

SayItWithWookies November 11, 2009 at 2:14 pm

[re=455971]magic titty[/re][re=455983]JMP[/re]: The only way he read 2-3 books a day is if he thought he was done when he hit all 26 letters of the alphabet.

prizepig November 11, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Philemon, Obadiah, and Jude put together are only about 10 pages total. Just sayin’

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 11, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=455988]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Heh. Then this would’ve fucked him up but good!

Zorg November 11, 2009 at 2:28 pm

To beat a dead horse; two to three books a day, plus all those runs and bike rides, plus meals, sleeping, attending photo ops, brush cutting, playing golf with Dad and Jeb, watching Texas Rangers baseball games? When did he have time to, you know, be the acting President of the United States? Oh, never mind, now I remember, the acting President was Dick Cheney.

teh_heysoos November 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

“what can poor Mike do besides sit on his couch”

Sit on his porch?

Wait, this isn’t free republic, is it?

DemmeFatale November 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

This must have been the era when he read “two Shakespeares.”

chascates November 11, 2009 at 2:34 pm

In the White House Bush got up and prayed, then exercised, then ate breakfast. When he got to the Oval Office he met with Andy Card to go over the day’s activities, met with the CIA director, then the FBI briefer, then a ‘communications meeting’ with Karl Rove & Karen Hughes. More meetings, lunch, meetings, phone calls, and finally his favorite thing: bicycle riding. Then a shower, supper, Bible reading time and bed at 9 p.m.

He didn’t make time to read one comic book let alone anything important like a lengthy position paper or anything else. He may have average intelligence but his learning disabilities plus his emotional problems didn’t allow for serious thought let alone disciplined activity such as reading. He got his news and information from sports shows, snippets of what he wanted to hear from aides, and of course, direct messages from God.

His business experience was mainly inept and only becuase of the influence of family friends. His time as governor was spent mainly taking money from special interests and cutting aid to the state’s citizens. Texas’ Lt. Governor, Comptroller of Pubglic Accounts, and legislature limit the power of the chief executive.

He is not intellectual or disciplined. He isn’t talented or trained at much of anything. The only thing he accomplished on his own was being a loud-mouth drunk and he couldn’t face therapy for that but remained a dry drunk instead. He had no problem sending Americans into battle but couldn’t face the 9/11 Commission by himself and had to take Cheney along to bolster him. And even then he refused to take an oath to tell the truth.

[re=455988]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And a great comment on the subject on that site.

chascates November 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=456018]chascates[/re]: God damn, I thought I hated Ronald Reagan but George Bush is the asshole of the entire universe. Alternate universes too.

Holy Cow!! November 11, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Both Marco and Sarah have the same programmer. They kind of like the Cylons. Both are hellbent on destroy humanity and their personalities are all just copies.

the problem child November 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

[re=455987]Joshua Norton[/re]: carats are your answer, I believe. Above the comma and period on most USMercan keyboards.

Jukesgrrl November 11, 2009 at 3:02 pm

Re: Huckabee. Riley, don’t soft-pedal it. We know he eats pork rinds.

Re: Palin. Rubio said “her and I”?! He has the panhandle vote wrapped up.

Re: GWB. [re=456025]chascates[/re]: Excellent summary. You might want to work on Nixon next. He was a treasure trove of neuroses. (BTW Riley, I’d say “Fresh-squeezed Florida wingnut” is on a par with “Halloween costume Sarah Palin.” Kudos.)

queeraselvis v 2.0 November 11, 2009 at 3:24 pm

[re=456025]chascates[/re]: Perfectly understandable, so long as you remember how to distinguish the two. Reagan: Alzheimer-rattled dangerous reactionary asshole of all universes; Bush: Stupid delusional dangerous reactionary asshole of all universes. It’s a tenuous distinction, I know, but Reagan still wins by a nod.

proudgrampa November 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm

“Flip-flopper???” So Steele is a Jimmy Buffett fan?

Blew out my flip-flop
Stepped on a pop-top
Cut my heel
Had to cruise on back home
But there’s booze in the blender
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on…

Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville…

SlouchingTowardsWasilla November 11, 2009 at 4:01 pm

[re=455988]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Anyone can read 2-3 books a day. Understanding the contents of 2-3 books a day, well, that’s something entireley different.

SuperStarr November 11, 2009 at 4:57 pm

[re=456018]chascates[/re]: Severely under-rated movie: Oliver Stone’s W. Sure it’s fiction, but the characters are exactly as I would picture them.

dr.giraud November 11, 2009 at 6:09 pm

[re=455950]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Absolutely. He probably read the first amazon review and was hooked: “just enough ‘poopoo’ and ‘caca’ to appeal to your average 2-4 year-old.”

Frumious Canbrasnatch November 11, 2009 at 7:23 pm

Whyever would you need a torrent for Sarah Palin’s brain? Twitter has 140 characters, that should be enough.

rocktonsammy November 11, 2009 at 9:28 pm

reader my ass, Jr. couldn’t finish ‘My Pet Goat.’

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