Hey everyone Jonah Goldberg thinks that ladies get pregnant through their knees. This is the only possibly explanation. [via Instaputz]
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November 10, 2009
Political Wire
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{ 101 comments }
It’s not like Jonah has ever had the sexytime, so can you blame him?
I’m one of Goldberg’s biggest fans. Always have been. I love that crazy sob.
A bum knee and a lifetime of raising a child that you are ill-equipped to deal with are EXACTLY THE SAME THING. WHY CAN’T YOU LIBRULS UNDERSTAND THAT?????!!?
Can someone control Jonah’s body in such a way as to get him to punch himself repeatedly in the nuts?
Jonah Goldberg fucks dogs.
Would the proposed Health Care Bill help those poor unfortunates who can’t string a series of words together to form a coherent sentence?
The first step in learning to make proper analogies is all their in the Sesame Street song “three of these things belong together, one of these things doesn’t belong.” The better you learn that little lesson, the more smarts you have. In fact, the entire process of “thinking” consists of discerning the appropriate, accurate analogies, kinda like we are analog computers and stuff. Jonah needs to rent a bunch of Sesame Street VHS tapes, thats what he needs to do, and sing along with that “three of these things belong together, one of these things doesn’t belong.” If he watches all of them, maybe he will “get it” and learn to make appropriate, accurate analogies, and then he may even learn to think logically, instead of magically.
So that’s why Jonah rubs his knees all the time.
I’m gonna knee surgery right in the balls.
[re=454813]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I’d say he has, but he has to prematurely stop the sexytime somewhere around the woman’s knees. Thus explaining his confusion.
He’s understandably confused between the knee and the vagina. Could happen to anybody.
Hehhh?
I Can Haz Knee Surgery?
I agree with what Jonah is saying there. Well, at least the beginning: ??
Hey, look on the bright side, Joduh (sic.) If they had this kind of “mandatory” BC when you were just a pathetic ache in your dad’s ball then you wouldn’t be here…
Um. Er. Well, it’s a bright side for 99.999% of the world, anyway.
“Instaputz”??? Appropriate.
[re=454820]ez[/re]: I’m still trying to figure out just exactly what he’s saying… Glad to see it’s not just me.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, I can translate pantload!
What Jonah is trying to say is, “My mommy is a Republican whore, was an unbearable authoritarian shit fuck to me, I’m ascared of vayjayjays, and my knees hurt because I can only soothe the pain of my tragic life by ingesting immense amounts of food every night while whacking off to the babbling sounds of Fox News teevee.”
It’s just so outrageous that women think they can control their bodies. Outrageous!
I think Jonah tweeted when he should have twatted. Or something.
[re=454828]TGY[/re]: Well, have you ever seen K.Lo’s knees? Me neither. Jesus, I just grossed myself out.
[re=454813]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Unfortunately, you’re forgetting about his being sucked into cornering with K-Lo (and earlier implications). And yes, now that that image is back in my head, I’m sticking the rest of you with it.
When you’re a columnist who is apparently paid in slabs of bacon, being able to have your knees repaired/replaced/buttressed is an important consideration.
In fact, if Jonah can’t have knee surgery at will, he may be forced to consider unproven alternatives.
[re=454817]MLHencken[/re]: Punch in the nuts? I thought Jonah was about using the knee for that operation?
[re=454823]Prommie[/re]: It’s not even that hard. Irene Pepperberg’s African Grey was quite good at it. Before he died.
*hsssssss*… Ahhhhhhhhh!… *hssssss*… Ahhhhhhhhhh!… *hsssssss*… Ahhhhhhhhh!… *hssssss*… Ahhhhhhhhhh!… *hsssssss*… Ahhhhhhhhh!… *hssssss*… Ahhhhhhhhhh!… *hsssssss*-I’m gonna need an abortion.
Knee Replacements On Demand! Now we’re talkin’ !
With headlines like this at Huffington Post, it’s easy to see why he’d get confused:
Woman’s Health Horror: ‘My Vagina Fell Out!’
Jonah, if you agree to pay for the abortion, maybe one day a woman will agree to have sex with you. Until then, a knee is the the closest you will ever get to a vayjay.
Hey stupid, don’t be stupid stupid.
I think I get it now: Only women of loose morals (and loose knees) get the preggers. Keep your knees together ladies, and the man parts can’t get to the lady parts. Or something like that.
I now better understand Les McCann’s line: Unwed mothers kneed abortion.
[re=454836]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: They’re just angry about the provisions on mandatory abortions for Christian moms who earn $1000/week from their home or have lost 30 lbs. with one little secret.
Chickenhawk sez what?
what a pathetic dickwad
Jonah just doesn’t want K-Lo to be able to abort their mutant spider baby.
?? Reps want a health system that says you can’t have knee surgery at all, and demand no abortions because women shouldn’t control their own bodies
Um, isn’t the reverse a little worse, like that Republicans think you should be able to get as many unnecessary procedures as possible but want to force women to carry all pregnancies to term? Pregnancy? No big deal. Meniscus tears? LIFE-RUINING!
[re=454830]The Huffington Pogue[/re]: Yes, but you can’t has aborted knee surgery.
[re=454835]Katydid[/re]: “Stewardess, I speak jive.”
Jonah, a fat guy who is grinding away his knees with every step, wants to know what’s in it for him.
I have the solution to this whole conundrum:
Mandatory vasectomies covered by the Public Option. Optional in vitero fertilization for the clock-ticker ladies.
Voila! Consequence-free sex with the pain of planned parenthood transferred to the guys.
It’s a plan that can get the support of the 51% majority of Americans (females).
No need to thank me. I’ll be in Canada saving my balls if anyone needs me.
[re=454823]Prommie[/re]: Yes, but isn’t it true that newage mothers delicately explain how daughters might avoid pregnancy by remaining on their knees?
What, you never got the talk about ‘the birds and the bees knees’?
Call me Jonah. Or retarded.
[re=454848]coolcatdaddy[/re]: It is amazing to me that one who appears so often on teevee as an informed commentor for reason and justice hosts on her own site such teeth-gnashing garbage barfed by the tabloids as well as Oprah-grade twaddle from such as her guru John-Roger or somebody.
I understand that abortions are only for bored professional women between nail appointments and picking up random men at a bar. But why did he zoom in on knee surgery? Is there something in the House bill that limits the number of knee surgeries?
[re=454838]FMA[/re]: Neither has she. HI-YO!!!
Seriously Jonah, what the hell are you talking about?
[re=454848]coolcatdaddy[/re]: And that, RIGHT THERE, is why abortions are so very awesome.
[re=454836]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: The next thing women will want is equal pay for equal work. Jesus, will the insanity ever stop?
Who’s kneeing Surgery? And what did Surgery do to them?
Jonah is simply saying that if women want to control their bodies, then he gets to control his knees. Or, if women are allowed to abort their fetuses, then he should get to abort his knees. Or, if women get to have sex all the time and have the consequences covered, then he should get to kneel all the time and have the soreness covered. Or something.
Goldberg’s right, of course. A bill telling you when to knee surgery defeats the purpose. You gotta catch that mutha by surprise.
Jonah, just because you get your prostate tickled every 60 days, doesn’t mean you can get a knee surgery at the drop of a hat.
You have amused me in the past, but now I wish you’d get put on a long waiting list for treatment of your raging ass cancer.
When Goldberg sees “Public option” he reads “Pubic option.”
I don’t even know what point he’s trying to make; forget how unintelligible it is. What is the point he’s trying to make??
Now I can’t say I’ve had an abortion, but I’ve had knee surgery and I had to wait six months for it because the insurance company refused to say my torn up knee was actually torn up. So, in other words, fuck you Jonah
Maybe he got laid once because he got down on his knees and begged, thus the confusion. Although pity fucks only go so far.
Once again, to quote Gloria S. — “If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.”
[re=454918]magic titty[/re]: Let’s see what we can glean.
1 “Dems want a health system…”
Translated: Democrats are Shit Fuck.
2 “…that says when you can knee surgery…”
Translated: Knees are nothing but shit fuck.
3 “…but demand abortion coverage…”
Translated: All Christians must be aborted according to Sharia.
4 “…because women should control their bodies…”
Translated: Mrs Palmer and Her Five Daughters love me long time.
HTH
Hey you know what would be really funny? If Jonah were swallowed by A WHALE. If A WHALE ate him, that would be really funny. A WHALE.
I was told in grade school that the best form of birth control for a girl was for her to hold an aspirin between her knees. Maybe Jonah had the same lesson and just didn’t quite understand it.
I guess he’s saying you can only get knee surgery when it threatens your life or in the case of incest??
Jonah is upset about the words “on demand.” Now, of course, abortion is never “on demand,” but there is this phrase “on demand” floating in their heads. Jonah is upset that abortion is going to be “on demand,” while knee surgery is not “on demand.”
Although, as I said, abortion is not on demand, you have to go to a doctor and ask for one, and they will only do it if 1. You need one (are pregnant) and 2. you are medically fit to have one. The funny thing is, this is just as “on demand” as knee surgery. First off, you don’t have to go to a doctor if your knee is fucked up, you could just gimp around. So really, you have to go “demand” or “ask for” treatment. Noone ever just runs up to you and performs knee surgery on you. And then, the doctor will only perform the knee surgery if 1.you need it, and 2. you are medically fit. So really, the exact same procedures and rules apply to both of these things. But he thinks they are different things, because he has a horror at what some call “abortion on demand,” “On demand” being a euphemism for “by choice.” But as I said before, all surgery is by choice, it is actionable battery to perform surgery on someone without consent.
Jonah is just a dumbfuck from dumbfuckistan.
[re=454823]Prommie[/re]: Jonah is just not good at abstract thinking. That’s why he’s on “Republican disability” (= NR/Weekly Standard/Wash Post editorial writer). Come to think of it, he also doesn’t do so well at the whole cause/effect thing. Nor quantitative reasoning.
Shit, I guess he’ll just have to do what he does know how to do — wander around, lightly stroking his unit, until people pay him to go away.
[re=454854]WadISay[/re]: Compared to what?
Women should control their own reproductive rights. Jonah should get a vasectomy.
This is COMPLETELY understandable, since Captain Kirk had to kick an alien in the knees while trapped on an ice planet prison in Star Trek VI and it turned out that those aliens kept their genitals on their knees (how lucky was that?!), and in America that alien wouldn’t be able to get reconstructive knee surgery or reconstructive testicular surgery because we don’t take care of no criminal illegals that sneak over from the ice planet
QuebecJuarez.My point is, seeing Star Trek VI is the closest Pantload has ever come to impregnating anyone, since there were girls at the movie theater.
[re=454921]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I’ve had 4 knee surgeries, and the only one that happened when it was actually acutely necessary was when I was a young poor on the public option, ie: Medi-Cal. The other 3 times I’ve been put on some kind of waiting list while they looked into my insurance and financials, to determine if it was medically and/or financially expeditious to perform said surgery.
And why doesn’t Jonah want women to have knee surgery?
[re=454838]FMA[/re]: Have you seen K-Lo’s kneepads? The darn things have wings!
[re=454848]coolcatdaddy[/re]: She should ask the woman with two vaginas if she can borrow one.
[re=454944]Jim89048[/re]: To ol’ young King Tut.
[re=454819]Jim Demintia[/re]: In their knees?
Does his little thumbnail Twaddle photo show him preparing to eat a live goat?
That’s probably fairly close to 140 characters, which might be why he left out a verb or two. That’s giving him credit for being able to count that high, which might be a slight leap.
[re=454819]Jim Demintia[/re]: Well, he certainly hasn’t denied it.
Next they’ll be wanting to outlaw my Roofies because women should control their bodies….
Can we get together and send Jonah a box of used condoms to dispense on his lawn?
[re=454921]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I’ve had both. I *needed* both. But I paid for one of them out of pocket, cuz that’s what I consider to be taking personal responsibility for my own actions. I should NEVER been roller-bladding drunk.
[re=454937]Prommie[/re]: Good summary. And I was just kidding about the roller-blading accident. I was a flat-broke student at the time, and paid for the abortion with proceeds from my minimum wage job. Never regretted it a bit.
Question marks BEFORE a question? What is he, a messican?
Whatever it means, it is bad for both your uterus, should you have one, and your knees, should you have any. Why can’t they be Republicandid?
[re=454925]Words[/re]: The way I heard it; “If men could get pregnant you’d be able to get an abortion at Home Depot”.
[re=455079]engulfedinflames[/re]: Why do you think health insurance covers Viagra, but not birth control pills?
J-RO wore his knees out fellating Rumsfeld an Cheney. He’s also sensitive about abortion because so many people offered to pay for his mom to get one. Or two.
[re=454813]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Knees = secksy bits in Star Wars (I think that’s the movie)… Remember the bar fight scene?
[re=455079]engulfedinflames[/re]: I heard of a guy who got a vasectomy at Sears and Roebuck. Trouble was, every time he got a hard-on, his garage door opened.
So where do I sign up for Jonah’s current affordable comprehensive insurance plan? I assume that since these fuckwads all keep whining about how bad our insurance is going to get and how nothing beyond abortions and euthanasia will be covered under the Public Option that there is presently a better choice. Surely the dyslexics in charge of conservative talking points haven’t convinced their fellow members that “America, Fuck Yeah!” really should have been “Fuck America, Yeah!”
Only when and if Jaba the Goldberg can touch his knees (while siting) will his tweet be anything more than hypothetical.
Holy effing ess! I just walked a mile in his thought process (it felt like a marathon) and decided to never, ever, from now until my death, read anything by this brother of a fishmonger because that tweet was EXCRUCIATINGLY DUMB.
Just be glad that Jonah’s apparent sexual frustration leads only to inane tweets and blog posts and has not, instead, manifested itself into the kidnapping, binding, car trunk stowing and subsequently dumping by the roadside disorder.
Easily explained as a mommy thing: Lucianne made him kneel on dried beans before her naked body as regular punishment.
[re=454873]binarian[/re]: HA!!
[re=454911]CapnFatback[/re]: Ohhh I’m so glad I can come to this place and just laugh laugh laugh.
*sob!*
[re=455223]sanantonerose[/re]: BRAIN BLEACH PULEEZE!!!
Another GOP dickwad about abortion who makes me think of MY plan to end ALL (well, most) abortions. When every boy in the country reaches puberty, he is taken to a semen bank to make several generous deposits, and then vasectomized. Then there will be no unplanned pregnancies. No scared/sheepish/teens, either of the liberal or conservative, secular or holy-roller persuasion. A pregnancy will be by golly PLANNED in the future world. And in that future world, girls and women won’t so much get the shit for crossing the yelling lines of Xians to get into the clinic while the boy-inpregnator gets off completely.
There will still need to be some for trisomy-18 and Tay-Sachs and that kind of thing, which our compassionate conservatives will still try to prevent, but there won’t be as many.
It’s too late about Jonah, though–to my sorrow and chagrin.
True story: I waited 8 years to get knee surgery (reconstructed ACL and meniscus repair) because I didn’t have insurance. During that time I racked up a number of ER visits when my knee locked up because a flap of meniscus was caught in the joint. And yes, that is as painful as it sounds.
So, meh, Jonah.
Chubby’s insurance company probably refused to cover his knee operation due to the injury being self-inflicted (or pre-existing since birth). STILL he can’t see the value of the British system and blames it on wimmin. That qualifies as willful ignorance AND misogyny.
[re=454930]snideinplainsight[/re]: Like K. Lo?
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Okay, I waited, but Nobody came up with this obvious reference:
Movie — something @ a Missionary, an Episcopal Missionary.
Starring — John Cleese as the Missionary, recently returned to England from Africa, where the tribe, upon hearing said Missionary was engaged to be married and soon to be joining her in holy wedlock, gave him a Giant Rhino horn (yes the ironies continue!)
Situation: John Cleese, Episcopal Minister now in England, has been given an assignment to bring to the fold the “fallen women,” the local (prostitutes).
Scene: Where John tells his betrothed he is “ministering” to the “fallen” women:
Her reply: “Women who have hurt their knees?” –
I know, I know —- No One will read this, but … ohsoappropriate! We also serve who only stand and wait!
Perhaps the pro-choice group in Congress could put in an amendment of their own: viagra cannot be part of any Health Insurance policy. I can imagine quite a few of the long in the tooth male anti-choicers would balk at that.
You know being who i am and the high opinion i have of Jonah Goldberg, I’m not supposed to side with your derision and disrespect for him.
But allow me to say this, and it may be the only chance you get hear me cuss, this is the most retarded muthafuckin statement i’ve ever seen in my life.
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