Wonkette
Levi Johnston has decided to sue the only two things he is aware of: the popular Internet website Twitter and also his ex-girlfriend Bristol Palin for custody of their child, Twitter. Regarding lawsuit one: the actor William Shatner embarrassed Johnston on the Conan O’Brien show by falsely and illegally reading aloud a succession of Tweets that Levi Johnston has never even seen before. Oh and re: Bristol: Apparently it was just a hassle or whatever to visit the kid over the weekend, last weekend he thinks it was, and now he is going to court about it. “He goes on to say that he’s tried the friendly way and it’s ‘Not working. I’m done. It’s going to have to go to court. They just finally pushed me over the edge.’” Ha ha Levi Johnston is so bored. [The Insider; Daily Intel]
With all the nice things he’s said about her mom, you’d think Bristol would be more cooperative.
One of those Alaska bloggers sez Levi is NOT going to sue sexy Bristol.
Imagine how normal/sympathetic he’d make any other family look.
Where the fuck are my Playgirl pictures?
Hah Levi Johnston is so boring.
ftfy
I wish I knew some liberal whore, that could give me good advice regarding child custody issues. Not sure why someone would connect him with liberals, usually rednecks like Levi and SkoalReb self identify as ultra proud republicans.
He will also be suing the alphabet because someone used that to impersonate him as well.
Let me revise my previous comment. This is better: Levi, shut the fuck up and take off your shirt.
Ultimately, a custody schedule will be worked out, with each child-exchange to be preceded by and followed by intense hate-sexing with Mrs.
RobinsonPalin…A sincere question: how different would his life trajectory actually have been had he not impregnated the snow queen’s spawn, but some other trashy high schooler?
Go get them, Levi. Spill ALL the details!
ZOMG! You mean the marriage is off?!?
Ahhh, young love.
Levi is quickly learning why Republican men prefer young boys like himself.
There is no such thing as a frivolous lawsuit. That’s because the tort system was created by attorneys as a kind of WPA program for attorneys. And who runs this system? Judges, who used to be attorneys.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Instead of suing people, Levi should have the sense to peddle the ass God gave him.
Is Prominent Alaskans the sequel to Eminent Victorians?
Douche Sues Twats! Makes Enemas for Life! News at 11!
taylormattd: taylormattd: Maybe THIS will have to tide you over.
You can order a cum mug with his mug on it so that you can cum to his mug in it while holding his mug full of cum.
Where do we go to donate to his legal fund? Snowbilly grifter is amusing, but a hearty “hell yeah” to anyone or anything that can get in the way of the catastrophuck that would be her holding public office again.
Jim Demintia: How about his old buddy Track?
So I go back and forth between wanting Levi to just start spilling all of the Palin secrets and wanting him to STFU and just stand there and look purty.
What to do?
Texan Bulldoggette: Hopefully this will involve paternity tests for both Trig and Tripp…
Holding Out for a Hero: Drama-Queen first, Super-Modeling afterwards…
Robophobia: I have a feeling that the “secrets” he knows involve Track….and what Track was up to, prior to serving our country.
On the plus side, Levi has a very good lawyer. On the minus side, he’s a vvery good criminal lawyer.
Robophobia: Jim Demintia: He settled the Track suit out of court.
Extemporanus: Hmm, I don’t know.
Actually who I am kidding? That’ll work for me.
So, this guy might be suing the daughter of some private citizen who use to hold public office and ran for something-or-other and we care because???
Shocking! Now what was that about tort reform?
I imagine the moment of Trig’s conception as being akin to a million Johnny Knoxvilles rushing through Bristol’s cervix as though there were a nude, special-needs, roller-derby championship on the other side.
The Palin-Johnston DNA intermingling is like The Six Million Dollar Man, for retards.
yeah, yeah, yeah, .. shut the fuck up and show us your Junk.
Dear Mr. Levi,
I know that this letter will be a surprising one to you.
Firstly, I will like to introduce myself formally as PROF.CHARLES SOLUDO, the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). You are been officially contacted by me today because your Inheritance Funds were Re deposited into the”Federal Suspense Account” of CBN last week, because you did not forward your Claim As the Right beneficiary. Well known to all, The Central Bank of Nigeria is the mother Bank of all commercial Banks here in Nigeria.
Really these men were unexpected by me because their visit was impromptu. I had to ask them why they came to see me in person and they said that they were here to collect the Inheritance Bill Sum of (US$13,200,000) which rightfully belongs to you, on your Behalf.
Once in your possession, you can use this money anyway you like.
Please send us your account info.
Sincerely
PROF.CHARLES SOLUDO
Is there a meth drought in Wasilla these days? That’s the only reason I can think of that would make any of these fuckwads come out their respective trailers.
taylormattd: hey, didn’t mean to big *foot* you there. BTW can you imagine the scene with Levi getting “coached” by his lawyer before hitting the witness stand?
SHOW US YOUR DICK!
shadowMark: Yea, Levi actually wanting to be a father sounded extremely suspect.
Playgirl’s marketing guy “made the call to Tank Jones, Johnston’s right-hand man, who proposed the Playgirl shoot to [Johnston] while the two were being filmed by VanityFair.com in a town car. Johnston sounded incredulous at first (“Is that a serious question?”) but seemed to take it up as a dare. Jones teased him about whether he was endowed enough for the gig (“You gotta have some johnson”) since he was pretty sure they wouldn’t enhance him.”
You gotta have some johnson.
Somebody needs to make a bumper sticker out of that. Or put it on TruckNutz or something.
blinky_twinkie: It’s JohnsTon. Maybe I need to put that on a bumper sticker.
taylormattd: If you need a little “help”, fantasizing about some hawt Skater-on-Slater action oughta do the trick.
Aflac Shrugged: I found a video of Trig’s conception.
His eyes are too close together. I can’t remember if that means his dick is really small or really big.
betterDeadThanRed: Please don’t play dumb. Levi is a gift.
Extemporanus: So….he played naked?
He actually wants to see his high school backseat spawn? What the fuck for? So the little bastard can smack himself in the head with ice cream cones for a couple of hours? Oh, this boy is soooo geyh.
It’s Juli Weiner on Levi’s Johnston. *heh*
Levi: If you could fight any celebrity, who would you fight?
Tyler: alive or dead?
Levi: Doesn’t matter. Who’d be tough?
Tyler: Hemingway. You?
Levi: Shatner, I’d fight William Shatner.
Tommmcatt: On the subject of cocksure lads:
“The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.”
Bertrand Russell
Jim Demintia: Levi who?
UserofOwls its a Penus post!
All Hail Satin!!
Jim Demintia: But for the Bristol thing, Levi and his sister could be getting on with their relationship.
The sad thing is that, like the Spears-Federline custody battle, as trashy as Levi is the kid would probably be better off growing up with him than the Palin family.
Levi, you can talk and talk and talk. But with this path you’ve chosen, sooner or later you’re going to have to whip it out. Call Larry Flynt’s people and get it over with. What do you think this is, some little burg in Alaska?
Either that or get some skills. You know, girls want their boyfriends to have skills.
Click: hey mrs bluth!
Also, I am getting a little tired of all the pics of levi and none of bristol. COME ON!
Hey, latest Blingage. Sorry so late.
I have a kinda-job now!
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/102044417-Pallin-Around-with-the-Dead
Great Old Ones Party: “job”? What is “job”?
Crank Tango: Hello there Mr. Lemon!
Bearbloke: Hand is $25, but a blow will run you $50.
I am strangely attracted to him. Headlines like, “Getting Levi Johnston Naked” (http://nymag.com/news/intelligencer/61873) aren’t helping. Levi, call me.
Click: hmm. the upgrade does sound tempting…
Hillbillies (levi , palin, spears spawns , whoreling miley cyrus, etc) will forever rule the Earth.
Click: Sign me up!
bago: Julie Weiner on Levi’s Johnston
The only thing better would be President Weiner.
El Pinche: Unless the neo-Nazis are manipulating everything from behind-the-scenes. If they are then the SS blonde-hair blue-eyed pure-blood aristocracy will soon take over and rule, and I think the hillbillies then will become the camp guards we try to bribe with our Red Cross chocolate rations to get Mom a day off from working in the quarry.
You know, Wonkette, by covering Levi you are only giving the Beast of Trig more energy when he causes the rapture. You should watch your ass.
I can relate: The main reason I have no Fame! is my family.
Really, they are not the kind of people I would want talking to the authorities and/or the press and/or FUXNEWS, either!
Poor little (or Big?) Johnston…
El Pinche: That whole “keep ‘em barefoot and pregnant” thing really backfired.
Flanders: I prefer oral contracts.
Scoops McGee: Um, I don’t think the waves of excitement regarding a naked Levi are coming from girls.
PsycGirl: My panty shield remains pristine.
Ha..The Advocate has a story in it about Levi being worried that his Johnson won’t quite measure up to expectations when he poses for Playgirl. Here’s hoping that the photo shoot isn’t in a hockey rink. That ice could cause a major shrinkage problem for the little guy.
Extemporanus: I wonder how that bear died. The one underneath.
Oprah needs to take on, as a project, reuniting Levi and Bristol. The religio-political ramifications would be apocalyptic.
PsycGirl: Now I see. Sorry, I haven’t been paying enough close attention to the snowbillies saga lately. But what I said about skills still applies.
Click: So you’re using the solid brass model, then?
Bearbloke: Been there, done that.
We all know the real story of Trig: First Dude was away on the slope, the Barracuda needed it, & sent Bristol to the store to pick up steaks for dinner. Levi happened by, as Sarah knew he would since Bristol had said so, & even as the eldest daughter was gone, the Governor invited the beau in. She gave him a shoulder rub, he got aroused (even as the masseuse was his girlfriend’s mom, because we know how hair-trigger young men are), & they did it, right there, on the kitchen table. Piper was at a friend’s house, so wasn’t in danger of seeing it. But Willow? She walked in on it, but has remained too mortified to tell a soul. & why do you think she drinks so much?
Bearbloke: It’s actually composed of charged plasma.
Well, custody disputes often drag on for YEARS, so I anticipate Levi will still be suing when Sarah P. runs for Pres. Probably he’ll be doing everything else he can think of to embarrass her, too. He’s already revealed to _The Guardian_ that she doesn’t really hunt, doesn’t even know how to use a gun!
Actually, I expect both he and Bristol will be having other bastards with other partners, by then, too. It’ll the National Enquirer Election, the first to be dirtier than the election of 1884.
Click: does it work both ways?
El Pinche: “whoreling”
best word evar!
Advocatus_Diaboli: Maybe there is a meth drought- Sherry Johnson is in jail.
…”That’s pretty,” Johnston said as a court officer placed pink handcuffs – a gift from an Arizona sheriff – around her wrists. Court officers can use their own handcuffs, and the pink ones are a trademark of Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Phoenix’s Maricopa County, along with the pink boxer shorts he issues to jail inmates.
Johnston hugged her lawyer, Rex Butler, before she was escorted out of the courtroom and taken to a correctional facility where she’ll be held until her Nov. 20 sentencing…
Levi’s gonna end up bloggin in a Detroit basement with his Johnston in a tube sock if he keeps this shit up.
zhubajie: Exactly. & it would have been great news, for the “Values” party, were Mc Cain-Palin to have won, only to have the VP’s unwed mother eldest have a second child, by another man from the first, while grandma lives at the Naval Observatory.
The foreigns would have loved it, too. I mean that. It would have confirmed everything they hadn’t already seen confirmed by GWB about the US.
Great Old Ones Party: Levi’s bangs are whoreling.
Crank Tango: That’s a negative.
What Fresh Hell is This?: It’s more like a Jerry Springer project, I think. Anyway, is Jerry still running for office?
zhubajie: The Daughter-of-McCain has been posting her breasts online and this Thursday will be appearing on the O’Reilly Factor.
I have a very special appearance coming up Thursday, I am getting really excited and nervous - can anyone guess? news junkies will b happy..
Yes, some of you guessed, I will be making my first appearance ever on @oreillyfactor filling in for the “culture warriors” segment
Bristol, on the other hand, has kept out of the news and off the internet. Bristol MIGHT BE trying to avoid the whole “whoreling” assignment.
Click: ok good cuz i don’t wanna burn a finger or something.
I can’t see Captain Hockey Puck changing any diapers. I can’t really see Sarah doing that to her own little angel special needs baby for that matter.
What Fresh Hell is This?: Agree, we’re talking biblical proportions. Oprah would be the black female Jesus of our Time.
Long Form Def Certificate: The plot thickens. Willow watched on then started to play with her salmon pouch. Willow was startled when mommy shoved all of the family pictures and her favorite picture of Jesus walking on the beach on to the God damned floor. That day Willow found out how big Levi really was and that her mommy still lactates.
Crank Tango: …or something.
Click: It back fired big time. Billy Ray Cyprus is still alive and Bill Hicks is still dead.
El Pinche: Wait, is Willow the little bitty one? If so, please replace with the properly aged snowbilly whoreling. Thank you !
Long Form Def Certificate says at 10:14 pm, November 9th, 2009
- Reply
zhubajie: Exactly. & it would have been great news, for the “Values” party, were Mc Cain-Palin to have won, only to have the VP’s unwed mother eldest have a second child, by another man from the first, while grandma lives at the Naval Observatory.
The foreigns would have loved it, too. I mean that. It would have confirmed everything they hadn’t already seen confirmed by GWB about the US”
It’s still gonna happen, I’m sure of it. Sarah P. and all her colorful family and friends are the destiny of the USA. It’ll be more fun that even wonketteers can imagine, with speaking in tongues and Bristol servicing the USS Alaska’s crew, etc., etc.
Click: true. burnt fingers I can live with. don’t want any dry-humping hazards!
El Pinche: This is purgatory.
zhubajie: I see more of a Dr. Phil scenario myself
zhubajie: Thankfully, I speak fluent Spanish, so I’ll just head to somewhere more inviting than the United States of Palsy — yup, I just killed Trip, even if palsy is not his trouble — like, I don’t know, Venezuela.
zhubajie: Also: if Bristol’s servicing the crew, is it too late for me to enlist? Or could I just stowaway?
El Pinche: Did Willow call him for high-sticking?
Long Form Def Certificate: Well, it certainly wasn’t for the answers to their algebra assignment.
I don’t know how close they are to their mother, but I heard Bristol and Willow were never really tight.
taylormattd: Honey, the fun times ain’t under the shirt.
Jim Demintia: I think the lesson to be learned here is: don’t stick your dick in crazy — stick it in crazy’s daughter.
Click: “I don’t know how close they are to their mother, but I heard Bristol and Willow were never really tight.”
Not after Levi was through with ‘em.
BA-DUM BUM!
O_o: OKAY it’s possible we all need to take a timeout on that one.
Can you imagine the teabag twits daydreaming it’s 2013 and they’re being informed that the President of the US will address them on NATO and god just as soon as she is off the phone with the lawyers about the unemployed shiftless dip who knocked up her daughter.
O_o: Who told you Levi’s through with them?
shadowMark: Not posting enough of them, though. I want her to pull everything out, like those statues of Justice Ashcroft spent millions clothing. How bodacious ARE you, MM?
shortsshortsshorts: Timeout’s over, right? Ok, good:
Click: I’m a little short this month—is it OK if I don’t tip you?
(Or better yet, do you offer layaway?)
Gumboz1953: Bearbacking can have very dire consequences.
Long Form Def Certificate: That’s how he landed in the penalty box.
Click: Trig, however, was passed with flying colors.
O_o: Shorter: “Don’t be fucking crazy, be fucking a little crazy.”
Click: He got ejected during the second period for leaving the crease and checking from behind.
Great Old Ones Party: whoreling: Bristol’s title? Or title of Levi’s next woman?
Come and listen to a story about a man named Levi
A poor mountaineer, hardly ever got head,
Then one day he was shootin at some food,
And up through the perma frost a bubblin’ crude.
Oil that is, black gold, ‘laskan tea.
Well the first thing you know ol’ Levi’s a millionaire,
Kinfolk said Doofus move away from there
Said Californy is the place you ought to be
So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly.
Hills, that is.
Swimmin pools, movie stars
“the unemployed shiftless dip who knocked up her daughter.”
Which one?
Hey, levi… If you’re going to go over the edge, just make sure you take that entire posse of bumpkins with you. OK.
Oh, and no parachutes, also…
They made you put on a suit and tie for their little “convention”. Fuck em.
Supernaught: They also made you tenderly kiss the retarded kid of your girlfriend’s mom at that Convention. Yeah, right. Show’em your junk, and then fuck’em, sue’em, and then have Thanksgiving Dinner of Moose Chilli at the house Todd and a few of his buddies built. Whatever you doeth Levi, doth must not quitteth.
Jim Demintia: I’m an eldest daughter exploited by her mother. Watch what you say about Bristol. She’s a good woman.
Robophobia: Yeah, I know Track is in the military and all, but dude is totally MIA as far as his family’s been concerned. I don’t blame him, but I’d be infinitely more interested to hear about what’s all gone done since 2008 from him than Levi or the rest of his wacky family. He actually distanced himself from his family before Sarah was chosen as the GOP VP candidate, so it tells me he has some kind of common sense.
llibra: ‘Zat so? I’m not sure that I follow in what way you’re being victimized within your family = Bristol: Good Woman.
Can O Whoopass:
Levi wears his nutsack like a crown
Calls his child Trig
‘Cause Palin kids get weird names
And Bristol don’t want him around
Levi, Levi likes his money
He could make a lot, they say
If he spends a day, posing
Get his fifteen minutes and hopefully fade away
He was born a dipshit to a mom who sold some meth
And the TMZ reports, needin’ attorney’s fees,
For felony possession
Sarah Palin, you have a foil for your wit today
And he shall be Levi
And he shall be a dumb fuck
And he shall be Levi
Matin’ in his dually truck
And he shall be Levi
And he shall be unintentionally awesome
He shall be Levi
Aurelio: The one against Twitter may not be “Levi’s lawyer gets sanctioned” frivolous, but it sure ain’t getting past the pleadings. Sometimes I worry about the lawyers than enable these people.
“Look I need this custody battle. I have media spotlight needs too ya know!”
Levi, shut up and do gay porn already.
So, what, he wasn’t looking for good weed?
Aflac Shrugged: Now stuck in my head all day. ALL. DAY.
Click: It means it’s really big. It’s so big it is right in front of his nose, and his eyes being close together makes it easy to focus on it and handle it.
Natural selection. It worked, he reproduced. Class over. Test on Friday.
Bearbloke: “I scraped by with baby-sitting gigs and odd jobs - mostly the jobs we call blow. I had lost my job at the base PX, and I had lost my gag reflex. You do the math. ”
-Hedwig
SpikeyDog: No worries. Just decorate the studio with Sarah posters.
Levi may be as dumb as a stump, but it’s even dumber to fuck around with his scheduled visitation with the child, unless his time with the child is demonstrably dangerous to the tot.
The Palins should have a good enough lawyer to tell them that and they should listen up.
(Speaking as a mom who thought the dad was quite a shit, but not enough to mess with visitation, back in the day.)