This one is a beauty. Congressman Todd Akin, speaking before the Bachmaniacs at the Super Bowl of Retardation, delivers a glib lecture about the Pledge of Allegiance, its history, and its awesome inclusion of “Under God.” He asks the crowd to join him in the Pledge, because it “drives the liberals crazy.” And then he screws it up.

The stumbling and awkward muttering between 1:59 and 2:02 is a comical gift from Allah. But Allah is a generous deity and has many, many treasures — like this, the Akin office’s official response:

Akin spokesman Steve Taylor said the congressman acknowledges having had “a little bit of a Justice Roberts type of moment,” blaming it on “a little echo of the speakers.”

“It is not a problem with knowledge or understanding,” Taylor said. “Everyone at some point in their life will have some difficulty with execution or elocution.”

Maybe, but usually not after bragging for two minutes, before a crowd of thousands, on Capitol Hill, about how well you know it and how much you love it, five years after you “proposed the Pledge Protection Act to keep federal courts from ruling on its constitutionality.”

Rep. Todd Akin’s Pledge botch [Politico]

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  1. Never interrupt your opposing counsel when he is fucking up. Yes, this is an important one, kiddies out there in law school, and everywhere else, when your opponent is digging his own grave, don’t interrupt, don’t stop him, go get him a shovel.

  2. Sorry, I lost my sense of humor over any of this when someone thought it was a good idea to bring a giant picture comparing Dachau victims to healthcare reform. And, Steve King thought it was a good idea to autograph the “Ken-ya Trust Obama” sign. Fuck all of these assholes.

    Sorry to be a drag.

  3. [re=451504]kewlguy42069[/re]: Yes, and originally people recited it with their forearms in the air, “seig heil” fashion. That understandably got phased out.

  4. [re=451504]kewlguy42069[/re]: Yep. It was also originally written by a socialist – an actual socialist, as in a member of the Socialist Party, not just someone who thinks the wealthy should have to pay some taxes.

  5. I pledge allegiance to the United States Constitution and to universal human rights, and I don’t give a rat’s ass what y’all do with the various symbols of the state, which are entirely meaningless outside of representing the ideals we so consistently fail to live up to.

  6. So wait, did the Under God come under Lincoln or Eisenhower? Congressman Atkins Diet needs to read his history books, and I don’t mean “Sean Hannity’s Totally Awesome Guide to American Awesomeness.”

  7. Maybe it was intentional…remember these folks lurve secessionist Texas Gov. Rick Perry…maybe they’re not a huge fan of the term “indivisible” when referring to the cursed Union. Don’t worry though, as an Alabama native, I can report that the South is not quite ready to rise again.

  8. It’s a very intelligent strategy for a sitting Congressman to maliciously antagonize liberals. “Take that, close to half of my constituents!”

  9. “Storm-tossed pilgrims” needs more dramatic effect. And when a wingnut screws up the pledge of allegiance it drives the lib’ruls crazy…..WITH GLEE!!!

  10. I think he jizzed himself with the bloviation of “UNDER God!!”, and lost it thereafter. Is it possible to get a replay, zoomed in to see if his eyes rolled back in his head?

  11. And who was the poster just carping in a previous thread that we shouldn’t make fun of teabaggers who mangle the English language. Shame on you!

  12. jesus. i haven’t said this fucking thing since 1987 and i still remember it in its entirety. this guy jerks off to a recording of it every night and he can’t fucking remember the indivisible part? isn’t that some shit la migra will ask you? he must be one of them illegals.

  13. Yup, under god so as to make sure that we weren’t commies. See, commies are all dumb atheists and they’d object to saying that. Damn, why had I not discovered the whole religion crock in grade school? I could have caused more of a ruckus than I did.

  14. Who knew anyone could FART out of his mouth for so long before ATTEMPTING to recite what my 6-year-old has easily remembered. DAMN baby, can this grand standing FOUNDING-FATHERS-BUTT-KNOCKER be any more pompous and phony!

  15. [re=451524]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: This.

    Also, I like how he high-tailed it out of there like they were about to disassemble the table with free teen-aged male hookers and blow.

  16. Didn’t the founding fathers scratch out those kinds of “god” references when they wrote all the great things he’s crowing about? What a turdsucker.

  17. I pledge allegiance, to the under God, of the under God of under God. And to the under God, for which it stands, one God, under God, with God, and God, for God. Amen.

  18. [re=451535]Potater[/re]: Sean Hannity’s Totally Awesome Guide to American Awesomeness

    That sounds totally awesome. Know where I can get a copy?

  19. All he forgot was the “indivisible” part, which really should be removed from the Pledge, since the Teabaggers have demonstrated that we sure as hell are divisible. Hell, we’re Americans! We can do anything!

  20. [re=451541]M Lite[/re]: Welcome. Feel free to take off your pants and stay awhile.

    Oh, and please put the mic back where you found it. We do bukkake, not karaoke.

  21. I think he was just afraid of being called a hyprocrite. Indivisible. Ha! The proof that we are divisible is surrounding them. They are trying divide Murica into wingtards and godless libruls by making this a “wedge” issue. Of course what he fails to realize is that it’s a non-issue for most of us godless folk because we haven’t said the pledge since we were in elementary school and we don’t have kids saying it because we’re obviously aborting them. Whatever. He’s DB. Big one.

  22. I don’t have a problem with the guy screwing up; I get flustered too. What I don’t quite understand is how these tea partiers don’t get that the flag is a symbol of the UNITED states, which are united by a common GOVERNMENT, not by NASCAR and the NFL. Do they even know what a REPUBLIC is??? Do they know that a republic by definition has a president and they are pledging allegiance (whatever the hell that is) to an Africn communist??? They’d be so upset if they knew what they were saying, poor li’l wingnuts.

  23. “Indivisible” was the hard part in kindergarten too.

    That, and having to fall suddenly silent near the end of the class recitation of The Lord’s Prayer, near the end, where the Protestants had added a vainglorious phrase that totally didn’t fit in with valleys and shepherds – “For Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory Forever and Ever,” – that was not certified by the Pope. But then chime back in for “Amen!” That was as hard as “indivisible.”

    Yes, I’m an Old.

    And why aren’t they singing, “Let the Eagle Soar?” THAT drives liberals crazy!

  24. I don’t often get the urge to burn an American flag, but something just came over me.

    I’m now headed out to Wal-Mart to get me one of those Chinese-made Murikan flags, some Exxon gasoline, and a Milford, Connecticut-made Bic lighter, then I’ll be on my way to Joe Lieberman’s Hartford office. I’ll be sure to tell him hi from Wonkette.

    It’s still legal to burn the flag, right? As long as I say the pledge first, and cross myself while doing it?

  25. I pledge my penis to the penis of the united penis of penis
    And to penis for which it penis
    One penis, under penis, uncircumcised
    With penis & penis for all

  26. This flag worship (“I pledge allegiance to the flag”) comes from the same idiot place as the people who thought tearing up the health care bill reform would get rid of it. They are unable to distinguish symbols (a tawdry, stripey, poorly-designed scrap of cloth; a stack of paper) from the ideas (representative democracy, a nation based on ideas rather than tribal membership; the social contract to care for all that should bind us together) they represent. Pretty soon they’ll have forgotten how to read, and will be running around demanding pictographic ballots such as are used in countries with high illiteracy….well, higher than ours.

  27. [re=451584]Terry[/re]: They burned it to keep warm that first dreadful winter after first committing it to memory. Then it took another 100-some years to write out all they had memorized and had to make up the rest because so many of them had died.

    The end.

  28. proposed the Pledge Protection Act to keep federal courts from ruling on its constitutionality.

    Haha, I guess you can do that now, now that America has officially done away with separation of powers.

  29. I love the pledge of allegiance. My children’s communist school did not teach it to them, so I did. And yet, somehow, I am still a socialist, muslin-loving, gay-married Jew. I think I am not doing (something) rite.

  30. [re=451604]V572625694[/re]: They tend to have a problem with discerning the difference between objective and subjective, too. Literally, they cannot concieve of the idea that what they believe might not be fact. If it makes sense to them, it simply must be.

  31. [re=451504]kewlguy42069[/re]: “HEY didn’t they add in “under God” in the 1950s?”

    The whole damned thing was made up as a shill for children’s magazines in the 1890s. That “under God” was added in the 1950s is irrelevant, because it’s not any kind of mandatory oath. If you want to be REALLY traditional, you’ll offer the accompanying salute which is your arm outstretched, the palm of your hand facing downward. You can thank FDR for suspending that particular aspect of the Pledge. This is all part of the US Flag Code, which is more of a Federal technicality than a Federal law since it is unconsitutional to force people to pledge fealty to anything in these United States, thank SCOTUS.

  32. [re=451572]Oldskool[/re]: Yeah, but in the 50’s we had to protect our country from communism in the crudest way possible: implicitly calling the Russians heathens, pagans, atheists and scumbags. Obviously it was a necessary addition. No one can question its import.

  33. My favorite wingnut recitation was Lyn Westmoreland’s stirring rendition of the Two and a Half Commandments for Stephen Colbert. Westmoreland had been advocating for placement of the Ten Commandments in federal buildings. Colbert asked him to recite them. After blurting out “All ten!???” he proceeded to name two of the commandments, and got one about half correct.

  34. Also, the Pilgrims brought a constitution with them? I did not know that. I mean, if that’s what happened, more power to them, but I’m just saying…

  35. [re=451503]Cicada[/re]: It was the word “indivisible” that got caught in his craw. Not with him and his fellow tea baggers trying so hard to divide America and all. Yeah, indivisible kinda hard for him to say.

  36. [re=451791]Pithaughn[/re]: Mr. Ferlinghetti and I aren’t related, so far as I know — but we crazy wops all have the gift. It’s not such a stereotype, but we make the Irish look downright laconic.

  37. [re=451613]house of the blue lights[/re]: I’m an English teacher, but they made me teach a class of 7th grade geography this year by saying, “Go teach geography.” So I got maps of the U.S., the national parks, the regions of the U.S.,the time zones etc, but for some reason the kids really liked the flag facts and the pledge of allegiance. I did too. The wingnuts don’t have to fake loving the country.

  38. No, it wasn’t an accident or a mistake! See, the thing the audience forgot is that the “indivisible” part of the pledge is to wingnuts what “under God” is to imaginary libtards, and also that one guy who sues everyone. You go, secession-happy Texas Governor Perry! This one congress person is totally behind you!

  39. I pledge allegiance to flag and now stand here at attention awaiting its orders.

    Perhaps I should also pledge allegiance to other symbols of the US (e.g. eagles, roses, oak trees, square dancing) in case they have anything to say.

  40. These people get such boners when they think about forcing their bizarro-world-Jesus beliefs on unwilling liberals. I think Midwestern Repubs (this dickwad, Grassley, King) are giving the Southerners a run for their money in the old man retard department.

  41. [re=451503]Cicada[/re]: no but it drives them crazy (in their world where crazy = good) to think they’re driving some hippie someplace crazy (in the bad way).

    also, i love that he has to remind the mouthbreathing audience that the Gettysburg Address was “delivered by Lincoln.” it almost makes me miss how Bush would show off his own intellect by rattling off either 6th grade trivia, random shit that most people who can name a daily newspaper know intuitively, and/or “normal” things to humanize horrible human beings.

    e.g. Bush eulogizing Rehnquist, “he was born in Wisconsin and he was the grandson of swedish immigrants. [see, he was definitely not an anti-semitic dick who terrorized jews when he was at stanford, even though jew-terrorizing was sorta okay then.] he liked baseball. [again, no way this insufferable prick also wrote a draft for a dissent in Brown v. Board of Ed.] he smelled like well tanned leather. [this guy was definitely not a hack republican lawyer and i’m not teh gay.]”

  42. Lets recap, wingtard congressman screws up the pledge, Boner mistakes the declaration of independence for the constitution and a final idiot knocks over the flag. Next teabag rally they will sodomize someone’s mom with a hotdog while take a crap in an apple pie. U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!

  43. Back before I moved out of the suburban hellhole that is chesterfield, missouri, this fucker was my representative. The only thing he’d ever talk about was the bible and the illegal immigrants — the latter being funny because Missouri has like two latinos.

    Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy so hard.

  44. Listen Ye, to the gentle sound of storm tossed pilgrims, moaning and creaking in the autumn New England surf. Peaceful, lulling, oblivious to the amplified butt-nozzles in DC.

  45. Indivisible means not dividable, which means the South will never, ever, rise again, it cost far too much in terms of lives, limbs and cold, hard cash to keep your worthless asses in line the first time, so no more Confederate flags and rebel yells and naming your car the General Lee and talking like retards, all slow and honeysuckly because you can’t keep up with the conversation, no more honor to the Confederate dead, you are traitors and losers, that’s what you are pledging allegiance to when you pledge allegiance to the U.S. flag, kiss the dick of the people who conquered you, who humiliated your grandfathers, raped your grandmothers, and ate their livestock while they set the colored folk free to lord it over them, that’s what indifuckingvisible means and if you don’t like it we don’t care, you can stew in your own misery forever.
    Or you can join Rick Perry in the Independent Republic of Texas. That would be kind of cool.

  46. [re=451536]M Lite[/re]: In independant Alabama, which church would be the Church of Alabam? Southern Baptist? Or Pentecostal Holiness? Who would be the Pope of Alabam?

  47. [re=451559]vitira[/re]: Which god, tho’? Yhwh? I doubt it; Amon-Ra? I suspect Atum, who created the universe by jacking off. These Reptilians are all wankers, aren’t they?

  48. uhm, my county tiz of thee, always so sweet and free, of thee we swing. land of our farthest eye, land of the freedom fried, from every mutton’s thigh, someone save our skin.

  49. In high school, I wouldn’t stand or say the Pledge of Allegiance when I was supposed to, and it made my homeroom teacher upset. She said I was being disrespectful to our nation. I explained that my purpose was to serve as a symbol of our right of free expression, so that it would be clear to any onlookers that the recitation of the Pledge by these students was a completely voluntary assertion of committment to our nation’s principles, and that those reciting the pledge did so out of conviction rather than fear.

    My true purpose was to mess with her, so I was crushed when she said “all right, fine” and let it go.

  50. I knew Michelle would need a douche at the rally, and he was there fucking up! Wonder how fresh she was feeling at that moment…i haven’t said that damn thing since i was like…thirteen? MY homeroom teacher ASKED my why i didn’t stand and recite the pledge, and i asked her if SHE knew about Nixon bombing Cambodia and Laos. She said “What??” And this was in a SCHOOL. Also. Under God.

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