Teabaggers Will Attempt To Rip Apart 1,990-page Bill

  do it do it do it

Operative “Randy C,” of fleeting Halloween costume Internet fame, has graciously donated his “pubic option” poster to the teabaggers. Is that pastor taking a shine to it? Meanwhile, another Hill operative reports on an overheard conversation between two members of the mobilizing force:

outside cannon HOB:

yokel 1: “CMON EVRU-BUDDY, we’re goin to Pelosi’s office to TEAR UP THE BILL”
yokel 2: “huh?”
yokel 1: “We’re gonna DEMAND to see the bill the TEAR IT UP”

There is but one copy of this bill, penned in raven’s blood on a single scroll of vellum, and we must burn it in the fires of Mordor!

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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111 comments

  1. norbizness

    I don’t want any more updates on Halloween costume contest participants unless Sara B. is involved, being a bad dog and biting Joe Lieberman in the leg.

  2. V572625694

    Yes, this will work: tear up the bill, and then it can’t be passed. Just like tearing down crack houses eliminates cocaine addiction.

  3. JadedDIssonance

    [re=451173]norbizness[/re]: Whatevs. I just want to know what Ms. Ginsberg is up to today…

  4. JadedDIssonance

    We all know that the longest thing these people have ever claimed to read is Atlas Shrugged. No surprise that anything longer must be evil. Must be Torn Asunder! Wroth! Angers! &c.

  5. RoscoePColtraine

    Tearing up the bill in order to destroy it forever….hhhmmmmm, this just might work……now where did I put that Chase Visa statement?……

  6. hockeymom

    Is that guy in the tan leisure suit sporting a priest’s collar?
    Shouldn’t he be at the boy scout rally?

  7. KilgoreTrout_XL

    They should juice the shit out of that bill with Michael Steele’s juice (which is paint thinner) and then be all like “oh you can’t read your bill now can you we juiced that shit.”

    Additionally, if someone here would like to make hats that say “GO MERKINS”, I’ll buy one.

  8. bureaucrap

    Let’s tell them that their protests will be more effective if they take each page and fold it into a paper airplane which they then throw at the house and senate office buildings. that’ll keep them busy for awhile.

  9. yargisbargis

    Well they are working that teabag fashion! Jaunty hats and the latest in Barnes & Noble tote bags!

  10. the problem child

    Yokelese is such a confusing language, what with pronouncing everything as it is spelled, only not.

  11. Hooray For Anything

    One Bill to rule them all,
    One Bill to find them,
    One Bill to bring them all
    and in the darkness bind them. To decent health care coverage.

  12. Larry McAwful

    They shouldn’t do this now. They should wait until twilight, when the pitchforks and torches look much more menacing.

  13. Larry McAwful

    When you gather that many white people together in one place, you just know it’s going to end up with something getting broken, or someone getting hurt or killed. What’s wrong with white people, anyway?

  14. Cicada

    [re=451190]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Hahaha. They never read Atlas Shrugged. If they had, they would know what an eleetust Rand was. No fucking way these rhubarbs would have been palling around with John Galt. You think John Galt had the time to come to a teabag rally on a Thursday afternoon? No way.

  15. Smoke Filled Roommate

    It’s like they have their own weird goblin language–Merka Merka Merka Rip it Up! Merka Merka!

  16. TheBaptismOfPocahontas

    Uggh, it is going to take so long to get a table for breakfast at the Hay-Adams tomorrow!

  17. el donaldo

    well, if Pelosi really wanted to kill grandma, she’s got a awful lot bunched together in one spot. might save some time.

  18. shadowMark

    [re=451210]Larry McAwful[/re]: When you gather that many white people together in one place, you just know it’s going to end up with lots of people dripping mustard and ketchup all over their good church shirts.

  19. ph7

    They look like very unhealthy protestors of healthcare. Next, will we see the legless protesting prosthetics?

  20. bago

    Actually, the teabaggers are fighting global warming in their own way. With that much whiteness covering the ground, they are increasing the albedo of the capitol steps. (The crowd didn’t even reach the pool. There were more gays hanging around at 6 PM for the NEM)

  21. mollymcguire

    “We’re gonna DEMAND to see the bill the TEAR IT UP”

    Just like Barry’s mom did with his real birth certificate.

  22. AnSnarkist

    [re=451203]the problem child[/re]: Okay, I’ll just set this straight right now. No one pronounces everything exactly as it’s spelled in common, everyday speech. Their accent is just different from yours, and you’re being bigoted when you say things like that. Linguistic bigotry is a tool that the upper classes have used to keep lower classes from achieving upward mobility. (It’s easier to say, “I didn’t hire him because he used double negatives” than to say, “I didn’t hire him because he was from poor, rural family.”

    I’m sure there are plenty of other reasons to make fun of them without propagating further bigotry.

  23. engulfedinflames

    I’m gettin’ sick of this shit. I waited patiently for the storming during Ws’ reign (you know there would have been blood shed) and got nothing. Compare the response to the g-8 protesters to that of the 9-12 tea-morans sometime and try to convince me that we are not just doomed but must first suffer a virus of disillusionment as horrible as disembowelment. I hate humans. But as my best friend says “porn has never been better”.
    So I guess there’s always that.

  24. Suds McKenzie

    [re=451224]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: but the “Tard Barn” called and they would like their ….

  25. AnnieGetYourFun

    Good to see more than a few blue hairs in the crowd. I was worried that people who currently have no access to government funded health care might be protesting it, and that would be ironic. Or… well, it’s actually kind of ironic either way.

  26. Gregoire

    Don’t any of these doucheteas have any sense of awareness about themselves? I mean, obviously not, but just imagine if YOU were in the midst of this, looking around at the humanity swirling around you.

  27. RoscoePColtraine

    OK, now that we’ve all had our fun, and joked about and mocked these teabaggers, can we be serious for a sec? Don’t you libtards know symbolism when you see it? These protesters are well aware they’re not destroying the sole copy of the health care bill, Jim Newell. They know how to use metaphors. The bill represents their dreams and aspirations, the ‘ripping up’ represents a huge, skoal rebel style dump, sloppy diarrhea style, that one might take after eating bad Mexican food, and Nancy Pelosi represents all the classy, pretty girls and boys they will never get to fuck on account of their astonishing retardation.

    You wonketteers would have to go and take it literally, wouldn’t you?

  28. JMP

    [re=451225]Mustang[/re]: They’ve got their pastors to tell them what the bible says; teabaggers know that thinking for yourself is sinful. As is any bible other than the King James version.

  29. Vulpes82

    [re=451213]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: It is the Black Speech, that hateful tongue of Mordor whose very utterance is an affront to the ears of all the goodly folk of Middle Earth!

  30. snideinplainsight

    T: “We demand to see the health care bill that is threatening our freedom!”

    P: “Hey, what? What are you all doing in here?”

    T: “We demand to see the health care bill that is the greatest threat to American freedom ever!”

    P: “um. No.”

    T: “How dare you! We are The People! We are the government by The People! Even though we believe there should be less government! Government governs less which governs less best.”

    P: “Ok. Get out of my office now, please.”

    T: “We are here to defend our liberty and tear up your bill! (louder now) Show us your bill!! Show us your bill.”

    P: “No. Not here, and I’m not tellin’ where. Nope.”

    T: “Kill the Bill! Kill the Bill!!”

    P: Nope. (to intercom) “Security? Code brown – stat.”

  31. JMP

    [re=451243]AnSnarkist[/re]: There’s a place for that kind of painfully earnest liberalism that refuses to make fun of people for any reason, including incomprehensible language and lack of grammar. Wonkette is not that place.

  32. Egregious

    Let’s just conduct a thought experiment, shall we.

    It’s 2005, the Democrats just got it handed to them in 2004, W has been re-elected, and the Repubs control the House and Senate. Then, some crazy, far left-leaning Representative (oh say Cynthia McKinney) decides to rally the “true” liberal patriots (you know, folks like code pink or a dirty hippies) on the steps of the capital. The ultra-libtards show up and McKinney introduces the Dem minority leadership one by one to the crowd. The crowd is full of signs about stickin’ to the man, legalizing pot, and depicting W as Hitler.

    Do you think that would have been a winning game plan?

    Well, that’s basically what you have today with the Repubs…except replace McKinney’s wild eyed-stare with that of Bachman, code pink with closeted college republicans, and the ditry hippies with mouth breathing crackers from ex-urban Virginia.

  33. BlueStateLibtard

    Sorry, I still want to mock them. Every time I see photos of them, they just look so slowwwww, obviously unfit, and lethargic. I don’t think they could overthrow a dining room table, much less a country.

  34. Scruffy_The_Janitor

    [re=451269]JMP[/re]: How about thinking about yourself? you know, in those special places?

  35. Prommie

    [re=451243]AnSnarkist[/re]: I am also an elitist, dumb fuckwads can go fuck off, they have the right to speak, but there opinions are worthless. They can learn to speak properly, if they want respect. If they cannot or will not, then they are either proudly ignorant, or fucking morons, and either way, fuck them.

  36. GeneralLerong

    [re=451243]AnSnarkist[/re]: An Englishman’s way of speaking absolutely classifies him…

    Good point. But bigotry works both ways. Speaking clearly and distinctly with excellent prononunciation often guarantees that one will be written off as an elitist intellectual snob.

  37. Prommie

    [re=451276]Egregious[/re]: If that had happened, they would have been shot. At least arrested, like the Code Pinkers this morning.

  38. Ducksworthy

    [re=451225]Mustang[/re]: They have been told what the bible says. They’re taught from a young age that Jeebus hates fags and brown people. that corporations are divinely ordained to rule them and that God hates taxes. Render unto Caesar is in there but they have a different understanding of what render means. As in boiling a hog to get lard.

  39. nerd1951

    Other than the few with signs, flags or costumes how can you tell they’re protesters and not just some lost tourists who think they’re in line to tour the Capitol or something?

  40. SayItWithWookies

    If they loved Jesus enough, they could pray to him and he would rip it into pieces. Why do these real Americans hate Jesus?

  41. Jukesgrrl

    [re=451243]AnSnarkist[/re]: Oh, please! We certainly don’t seem to have any trouble electing “prezdints” who talk funny. Half the people on this very Website who don’t know a period goes inside the closed quotation mark probably went to Ivy League schools. And BTW, you didn’t close your parenthetical sentences, so YOU’RE FIRED.

  42. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=451243]AnSnarkist[/re]: Please do not get me started on American dialects. Dialectology is one of my favorite topics in the entire world, which is why I belong to a number of linguistic-oriented listservs (for some reason, all linguists prefer listservs) where I go to debate etymology, dialect origins, and the socio-economic implications of code switching.

    Please kindly redirect yourself to one of those kinds of sites.

  43. Prommie

    [re=451275]JMP[/re]: This would be the place where painfully earnest liberalism comes to be mocked. [re=451282]GeneralLerong[/re]: Your insecurity is showing. The chip, on your shoulder. Oh, okay, I shall state the proposition in terms of which you would approve: “you may pretend to a classless egalitarianism, but your posture is obviously a product of resentments arising from your perception that “elites” who speak properly are condescending to you, when in fact, they really don’t think about you at all, nor care what you think of them.”

  44. V572625694

    [re=451243]AnSnarkist[/re]: It’s easier to say, “I didn’t hire him because he used double negatives” than to say, “I didn’t hire him because he was from poor, rural family.”

    You’ve never actually been in a position to hire anyone, have you?

  45. Flanders

    whoa now, hold everything. On the far left of the picture, at the top of the stairs…thin, tall, dark-complexioned man in navy suit with white collar….Obama??

    On the other side of the picture, person in aqua shirt and tan pants, man or woman?

  46. Prommie

    [re=451294]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I say “sub.” “Water” is pronounced “wooder,” and “chocolate” is “chawclit.” One hears occasionally of lozengers. Okay, Henry Higgins, where am I from?

  47. phineas_bounderby

    [re=451192]hockeymom[/re]: I’m pretty sure Mr. Leisure suit is “Otho” from the movie Beetlejuice. Or else fat Elvis from the Las Vegas era. “We’re caught in a trap … I can’t walk out”.

  48. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    [re=451210]Larry McAwful[/re]: If only we had a White Chris Rock to break it down for us. Larry the Cable Guy? Too fake. Jeff Foxworthy? Too weak. Sascha Baron-Cohen? Too jewy. George Carlin? Too dead. Guess it’s up to you, Demetri Martin.

  49. ph7

    Protests can be a good way to score some like-minded ass, but let’s hope none of these folks hook up tonight and reproduce.

  50. snideinplainsight

    Can I just note here that there appears to be absolutely no, that is, zero, coverage of this whole thing in the Washington Post (“The paper of record of the federal government.”) It seems like, you know, massive protest on steps of the Capitol, citizens invade Congressional offices, etc, would be something of interest – ? Am I missing something here?

  51. Gun-toting Progressive

    [re=451280]Prommie[/re]: It’s “their.” Sorry, but if you are going to claim to be an elitist, you really need to use the correct homonym…

  52. AnSnarkist

    [re=451282]GeneralLerong[/re]: That’s a good point too. I do not deny bigotry goes in both directions. But it’s bad in both directions. Bigotry in all forms is something that we need to fight against if we’re truly advocates of equality.

    And yes, I realize that Wonkette is not really the place for these grievances, but someone really needs to point it out. What would you think if you went to Red State and saw people talking about how black people speak English “wrong?” You would think they were bigoted.

    I’m also not saying that you should stop making fun of the right wingers. There are things that are within their control that they can change, but I’m not entirely certain that their everyday language is one of them.

    I wonder how many of you are in favor of forcing immigrants to abandon their native tongue completely when they come to the USA.

  53. the problem child

    Hey guys, no need to pile on to AnSnarkist. I *am* a bigot when it comes to willful ignorance. As I suspect the hill operative and Our Wonkette may be as well, based on the above post.

    In a country where K-12 education is free — and has been for a very long time — there is no excuse for not picking up the rudiments of grammar and correct pronunciation. Regional accents are fine, but fuckwittery, not so much. And yeah, on Wonkette, it’s all about the fuckwits. And bigots. Oh, and hypocrites.

  54. snideinplainsight

    Teabaggery:

    Fox News – front page
    NYTimes – front page
    Politico – front page
    TPM – front page

    Washington Post – Eh, what? Never heard of it. Have you read our new column by David Broder?

  55. Gorillionaire

    [re=451252]engulfedinflames[/re]: BAH! Never been better? It’s all shaved cooters and ugly tattoos these days.

  56. Snarkalicious

    [re=451326]AnSnarkist[/re]: We find Red State et. al. to be bigoted (and fucking high-fekkin-larioos), because they are. They also take themselves, for the most part, dead-ass seriously over there. Shooting for the LCD on Wonkette is a means to cheap irony (and iPhones), which in and of itself is a mockery of the intellectual, and oftentimes moral/ethical, laziness inherent in knee-jerk right-wing thought and discourse (see how generous I am? discourse, my ass). Or maybe we’re just a little douchey. But what the hell right? Nerd.

  57. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=451291]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I HATE putting a period inside a closed quote, and I get in trouble for it all the time.

    [re=451326]AnSnarkist[/re]: Why would any of us be in favor of forcing immigrants to abandon their native languages entirely when they move to the US?

    I could write entire BOOKS on why it’s fine to mock nonstandard dialects, especially when said dialects are overly emphasized in a cynical for the sake of appearing folksy (Obama does this, too; it’s not just Palin. But I will refrain, because I am already boring myself to death.

    I will note, however, that I know people who grew up in Washington State who sound like they are from Texas. Don’t tell me that’s not worthy of mockery. You don’t gain an accent just because you didn’t go to college.

  58. friendlyskies

    [re=451338]the problem child[/re]: Not that I’m always grammatically correct (Southern born and bred, y’all), but it is revealing that a lot of the people who show up to these things clearly don’t read.

  59. Atheist Nun

    [re=451190]JadedDIssonance[/re]: “We all know that the longest thing these people have ever claimed to read is Atlas Shrugged.”

    They still lose, since having someone read the Cliffs Notes version out loud to them doesn’t count as actually “reading it.”

  60. GeneralLerong

    [re=451369]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Hey Annie, got any insights on the whole name-morphing thing? Obama-Nobama, etc. Limbaugh-Limpballs etc. It’s so childish, but such fun.

    Does everyone simply love a horrid stinking pun, or is there something else going on here besides cheap-shots?

  61. AnSnarkist

    [re=451369]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I can agree that’s worthy of mockery, absolutely. I’d rather get off this subject because I’m getting bored of being a lecturer. I pointed it out do with it what you want.

  62. GeneralLerong

    [re=451381]Atheist Nun[/re]: No no no – no cliff notes [what the hell are those?] no actual reading the original work – get everything from TownHall.

    Once had an economics debate in a local online forum…and, despite lots of huffing and puffing about Adam Smith and The Wealth of Nations, turned out I was the only participant who had actually read the book. And liked it. This probably means something awful about me, but who cares.

  63. Pithaughn

    This may not be original buy…….. Whenever one of my winger associates/neighbors/friends/parents starts in on how the Govmint health takeover bill is like a fucktillion pages long or is so many hands tall: I whip out my handy USB thumb drive and declare, it’s not so big, I’ve got the whole H.R. 3962 right here. See this is how people in the modern age store, transport and read documents, liberals in other words.

  64. Georgia Burning

    Fake Texas-sy/Suthun-ny accents are often adopted by people trying to look more down-home and honest than they really are. Outside of helping your chances for promotion in the Air Force, this accent actually lets you take advantage of prejudices because others think you’re too dumb to be crooked. I just think about all the auto repair guys who’ve tried to rip me off over the years. F- em.

  65. JMP

    [re=451326]AnSnarkist[/re]: Bigotry is something we need to fight against; but mocking these guys for speaking improperly isn’t it. For one thing, it’s not an inherent characteristic, but instead something that people can change, and often an affectation (see both Bush and Palin); for another, there is no history systematic discrimination against people with Southern or rural accents, or their accents being used as an excuse for discrimination.

    My problem with this kind of over-earnest liberalism, that takes offense at just about everything, is that it takes us way too close to the stereotypical “humorous liberal” that the likes of Limbaugh and Beck try to characterize all leftists as. I’d rather avoid acting as such a stereotype. For example, a blog I generally like, but that has a tendency to get way too over-earnest, had this note recently:

    “[Commenting Note: Please consider as you comment that observations like "Duh, of course they love sex! Who doesn't?!" will be alienating to asexual Shakers. "Loving sex" is not axiomatic; there is no assertion in the post that it is, and comments to that effect are not on-topic.]”

    And your comment is getting a little close the that.

  66. natoslug

    [re=451326]AnSnarkist[/re]: I only insist on them abandoning their native tongue if they’re the fooking Irish.

  67. Potater

    [re=451317]ph7[/re]: Most of these women are way past menopause, so no worries of that. Instead we’ll just get the horrible, gut-churning sounds of “Abner~! Abner~! You’re pokin’ at the wrong fold down there~!”

    Horrible.

  68. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=451430]JMP[/re]: Exactly. I actually debated with myself all the way to lunch and back about this topic, so now I’m more than a little riled up, because I’m really mean to myself in debates.

    [re=451392]AnSnarkist[/re]: I think that the gist of our personal beef with the issue is this: the people who sponsor and vote for English-only initiatives are the same people who can’t spell the word “moron.”

    [re=451438]Potater[/re]: Mom?

  69. KilgoreTrout_XL

    Someone in this comment thread has displayed a profound inability to grasp what exactly it is we do here, and I for one am not going to rest until I set that person straight. Ok let’s get a bite to eat.

  70. Atheist Nun

    [re=451401]GeneralLerong[/re]: You’ve never heard of Cliffs Notes?! They’re little booklets that lazy people read on the way to school when they didn’t do their homework assignments… Basically a whole book distilled down to 40 pages or so. In other words, why republicans hand over Health Care “plans” that are 190 words long.

  71. proudgrampa

    [re=451489]Atheist Nun[/re]: ‘Health Care “plans” that are 190 words long’

    Hell, I thought their bill was two sentences:

    1. Don’t get sick.
    2. Die if you do.

  72. IonaTrailer

    Hey, hey, hey people…they’re just demonstrating because they want to keep the government out of their Medicare.

  73. Extemporanus

    Randy C., if you’re finally done using my pubic hair, I’d really like it back please. You’ve had it for, like, ever, dude.

    My genitals are so goddamn cold, they look like a fucking finger-less fetus fist.

  74. Atheist Nun

    [re=451521]proudgrampa[/re]: You forgot to include the lyrics to Michael Steele’s “rap” at the end, (which I imagine is this bad, if not worse:)

    I’m Michael Steele and I’m here to say:
    The GOP is here to stay!
    We’re here to stay “cuz” we won several elections today!
    “What up” “dawg” and have a nice day!
    “Fo’ Shizzle” means something I cannot or will not or am not allowed to say!
    If I ever knew in the very first place!
    Something something, Larry Craig is almost certainly “gay,”
    Cut taxes, run everything into the ground like a shady 3rd-world shell corporation, OK!

  75. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=451598]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I wonder what Skoalrebel sounded like. Wait, nevermind. I really don’t want to know. He probably oinked.

    Waaaayuh! Waaaaayuh!

  76. GeneralLerong

    [re=451489]Atheist Nun[/re]: Sigh. Next time I’ll use quotes.

    “Cliff notes? What the hell are them things?”

    Supplanted by Wikipedia nowadays, yes?

  77. Atheist Nun

    [re=451723]GeneralLerong[/re]: Yes, I was confused by your imaginary Cletus, who spoke with no quotation marks, no misspelled words and no fake internet dumb hick accent typed with CAPS LOCK ON:

    “CLIFFED NOTES? WUT THA HELL IS THEMS THINGS? AYUK AYUK AYUK! HEEEEE HAAAW!”

  78. AnSnarkist

    [re=451430]JMP[/re]: “But mocking these guys for speaking improperly isn’t it. For one thing, it’s not an inherent characteristic, but instead something that people can change,”

    I can agree with this to an extent. However, the example I pointed out was an example of difference in accents. people really have very little control of their accents (some people try their whole lives to get rid of their accent to no avail).

    It’s important to realize that just because someone pronounces something differently doesn’t mean they’re pronouncing it improperly. Variation is a natural property of language.

  79. AnSnarkist

    But seriously, like I said before, I don’t want to lecture. If you think it’s hunky dory to make fun of someone because they speak slightly differently than you do, go ahead and do it. I’m not your conscience.

Comments are closed.