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Personality Parade!Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL ALIENS who work at the dry cleaners with his tailcoat? And does he remember how to waltz? Gossip mongers report that Joe has been practicing his footwork all week: 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM. Very rhythmic, that Joe Wilson. He’s got those happy feet, moves with the music …

CONFIRMED: Sources familiar with LEVI JOHNSTON’S JOHNSON acknowledge that it’s a spectacular feast for the five senses and when fully erect resembles the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. No BRISTOL, that’s not oil … SKETCHBALL SCIENTISTS at the Pentagon have developed a gelatinous peeping-tom robot-blob that can squeeze through your bathroom door and film you whilst you pee. Yes, your tax dollars are funding a terrible breed of Raleigh Sewer Monsters that upload dirty photos to THE PENTAGON’S SPANK BANK. Is nothing sacred? …

THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY has a new national headquarters in DC that will also double as the embassy of The Galactic Confederacy. Thousands of over-medicated souls in search of salvation attended the building’s opening ceremony, including West Coast dignitary REP. BRAD SHERMAN (D-CA), who welcomed the Church with open campaign coffers arms and presented XENU with a gift certificate to Jumbo Slice. Coy maneuvering indeed, but does Brad realize this is a serious ‘fuck you’ to political action groups such as Suburban Los Angeles Psychiatrists for Sherman? Meh. It was a lousy PAC anyway.

Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com

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24 COMMENTS

  1. Rep. Wilson, here’s a piece of advice: there is a word in the English language you should learn about, “the”. It is what is called a definite article (as opposed to the indefinite articles, a and an), and should be used before a noun whenever referring to a specific person, thing or event.

    Also, try not to embarrass the US and avoid groping Chancellor Merkel like the former President.

  2. Trust me W. Columbia Joe ain’t ready for no Angela Merkel with her black leather, chains and whips. Now, maybe if it were Lindsey dressed up in black leather….

  3. 20th Annual Berlin Wall Ball? Who in heaven’s name has been hosting a “ball” every year to celebrate that? I smell Reaganites with too many Crystal Carrington gowns in their closets.

  4. I’ll bet Joe’s all excited ’cause Merkel’s a conservative, and they’ll have similar views on the evils of universal healthcare. He’ll be so surprised at how relative the terms liberal and conservative can be — and how skewed our terminology is.

  5. [re=452576]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: and if it were limited to little people, or kleinemenschen, as they are probably not called, it would be the All Small Fall Wall Fall ball?

  6. Trans-Alaska pipeline you say? So it’s long, thin, and rusts up in the winter? Or that it’s covered in beaver piss? Both could apply in this case.

  7. Those aren’t Levi’s twats—those are the twats of an imposter! Tex and Tank and Mr. T and the rest of the Eh?-Team are threatening to sue the twatter’s pants off.

    So the “BIGGG THINGS” boast is bunk. However, I did hear a promising rumor that Levi nicknamed his johnson “Seward’s Folly”, which I take to mean that he’s a grow-er, not a show-er.

  8. [re=452594]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh, Merkel’s a conservative, all right. Off course, that word doesn’t translate 100% from country to country, but she’d definitely still be a Republican on this side of the pond, if even more along the lines of an Olympia Snowe.

    BTW, can someone tell me why Sarah Palin sounds like she’s from Fargo, but Levi sounds like he’s from rural Oklahoma? I know Alaska has a variety of accents since people from just about every state settled every other valley of the state, but I’ll be a son-of-a-bitch if I don’t say that I don’t think Levi’s accent is put-on.

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