Wonkette
That’s Jefferson Davis, in the picture! Nearly 150 years ago, Jefferson Davis moved to Richmond, Virginia to become the first president of a new country where slaves could still pick the cotton, and indigo. Davis’ run came to an end eight years ago, when Democrat Mark Warner stole Davis’ Richmond mansion and all of its slaves. Democrat Tim Kaine did the same to Mark Warner four years later. But now it is Republican Bob McDonnell’s turn to take the mansion and slaves back from the liberals, the end. Polls close in a few minutes! Wolf Blitzer says he is “so excited,” oh ho ho…
HEY, is there a local election in your home town or state? Mayor or alderman or sheriff or whatever? Send us the results and we will post them. We heard rumors about some hot mayoral race in Tulsa, hmmhmm!
6:58 — Jeannie Moos is talking about a website with cartoon Barack Obamas and you can dress him in different outfits, depending on the weather. And then Barack Obama will give you the weather report? This is so in-depth, from Jeannie Moos. The website is Politico.com.
6:59 — Oh god if the Lou Dobbs show is actually going to run tonight, we may have to turn on terrible MSNBC. Lou Dobbs hints that there could be a repudiation of the Obama Agenda in “40 states.” There aren’t even that many states in Mexico, Lou Dobbs!
7:01 — VIRGINIA POLLS CLOSE.
7:01 — Wolf Blitzer just said, we have zero votes in from Virginia polls, and Bob McDonnell is leading! But they will not call it yet because they are journalists.
7:02 — Jessica “Hologram” Yellin is reporting from on the ground, in Virginia, and she brings with her a scoop! “How are people voting? It depends on who you talk to.” NO! It is either out of love or hate for Barack Obama, in Washington.
7:04 — Soledad O’Brien promises much reporting later on how Barack Obama failed.
7:05 — Oh now here is a nice lady on the ground in New Jersey. What do they care about there? It depends on who you talk to! Actually it doesn’t, it’s PROPERTY TAXES, COSMIC PROPERTY TAXES, PERIOD.
7:08 — Lou Dobbs: die. Let’s see what’s on the liberal MSNBC.
7:10 — It’s Chuck Todd in his role as “NBC Political Director,” just like old times, before he became another bad White House reporter.
7:11 — Chris Matthews! WHY DON’T PEOPLE LIKE OBAMA THEY HATE BUSH THEY’RE DIFFERENT WHAT IS THIS.
7:12 — Chris Matthews argues that Obama tried to rush too many massive reforms through at once, because the Netroots made him, and then he ran into the slow pace of Congress, and this pissed off the Netroots, who ergo refused to help Democrats this year, and so the Netroots are yet again to blame for everything wrong with America today.
7:14 — He adds (to paraphrase), “you can’t just ask Rahm Emanuel for pancakes and expect, what was it, pancakes, you can’t expect those pancakes the goddamn pancakes from Rahm.” Chuck Todd is chastised for laughing.
7:17 — McDonnell has a lead! Approximately 20,000 to 10,000. Matthews says yeah, that Donnell, O’Donnell, Nora O’Donnell, he’s gonna win this thing.
7:19 — Hey it’s Pat Buchanan? What party are you in nowadays Pat, Matthews asks. Buchanan responds that he votes for any ticket with a “Goebbels.” (Libertarian.)
7:21 — Pat Buchanan doesn’t blame this likely loss in Virginia on Obama! He will be fired from the media.
7:22 — Eliot Spitzer is guest-punditing! Remember that time he had sex? He’s so smart however.
7:23 — One very special candidate’s talking shit on Twitter, in our general direction:
“Jonah said he would eat me if I lose!” Good luck Joshua! WONKETTE ENDORSEMENT:
7:25 — Eliot Spitzer and Pat Buchanan were just fighting about whatever the script told them to fight about.
7:31 — Hardball Sideshow Segment, showing the wackiest political stories of the day, as though it were an afternoon at the circus! Topic: Sarah Palin is insane in this new way. Commercial break.
7:33 — We have not been analyzing why Creigh Deeds is getting his ass kicked so badly, because there are too many reasons. Bob McDonnell didn’t act like a lunatic and Creigh Deeds tried to paint him as a lunatic. Plus demographics and money and anti-incumbent atmosphere and lack of a strategy and the fact that one is named “Bob” and one is named “Creigh.”
7:41 — Be still, our beating heart, for there is an Eric Cantor on the television. He looks so chiseled when he lies.
7:42 — Chris Matthews really wants Eric Cantor to stop lying. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU LIAR.” Eric Cantor doesn’t need this divisiveness on television, Eric Cantor declares.
7:45 — Matthews to Cantor: “Is Virginia a Palin state? Sarah Palin is the worst person alive.” Eric Cantor doesn’t need to bring up partisan bickering and divisiveness on television, Eric Cantor declares, for tonight is a victorious night for Virginia!
7:58 — Look what happened while the editor was eating pizza and dirt from the floor: Bob McDonnell wins Virginia! Congratulations, Bob McDonnell! We hope that platform of cutting every tax and preserving every job and raising $7 trillion by selling off state liquor stores works.
8:01 — Keith Olbermann is now on television! “I hate this political entertainment host on a rival network who gets better ratings than I do,” Olbermann reports.
8:02 — NEW JERSEY POLLS HAVE CLOSED. It is too close to call between the fat man and the Goldman Sachs executive. Meanwhile PROPERTY TAXES ARE STILL THROUGH THE ROOF, JESUS.
8:06 — Let’s start a new thread, while Howard Fineman and Keith Olbermann discuss current political statistics.
8:17 — ****Go here now!****
What does an excited Blitzer look like, exactly?
Unreal Americans in the North, unite!
AnnieGetYourFun: A little taller.
AnnieGetYourFun: Just like normal Blitzer, but he keeps his crib sheet in front of his pants instead of up where he can read it. You don’t want to let that thing loose on national TV.
Southwest Virginia checking in. Yes. SOUTHWEST VIRGINIA. Literally 30 min if I speed from the West Virginia border! Unfortunately no hilarity to report on yet. I am pretty positive Mr. “Let Me Run A Campaign In A Southern State Based On Women’s Rights” is going to get stomped and tomorrow someone is going to put a chastity bell on me.
Ugh — I can’t wait to be governed by a Regent U. grad. My level of happiness this evening depends on Bill Owens and the gays in Maine, since things at home are pretty much toast.
Hey, that’s a picture of my great great great grand papi!!!!
I did my part today. I went to a Lutheran church in Fairfax, VA and voted for an incompetent fuckwit named Creigh Deeds, because I want to say this:
BillyBob McDonnell is such a fucking disaster that I even voted for THIS SHITFERBRAINS as a last resort. Anything but this guy. Bring back Macaca, fine, just no Liberty University dipshit in positions of power.
The only thing up for election in Tempe was for giving more money to evil socialist programs like schools, roads, public sanitation and police.
And, of course, our beloved Great Protector and Warlord-For-Life Joe Arpaio will continue his reign of unyielding benevolance upon our gracious and most thankful county.
SayItWithWookies: I, for one, look forward to the secession crisis caused by NOVA being sick of this shit.
ForTheTurnstiles: That’s Regent U, not Liberty. Get your Sodom and Gomorrah straight, son.
Scruffy_The_Janitor: I think you mean “great great great grand PAPPY”
“papi” insinuates some kind of brownish ethnic taint.
Great Old Ones Party: Yeah, but in Tempe you got roofrats. How do you do that? Is it like that guy in San Francisco with the feral parrots, except its fucking rats on your roof?
http://www.tempe.gov/neighborhoods/roofrats.htm
Today’s Useless Fact: when the feds finally caught ol’ Jeff Davis, he was dressed as a woman. Clearly the modern Republican base continue to this fine tradition of dressing in drag.
I refuse to believe that Ken Coochie Nelly isn’t actually my old manager from when I worked at Chick Fil A in high school.
http://phillyelectionresults.com/
No results yet. Polls close at 8:00, but some are trying to get the hours extended due to the transit strike. However, there aren’t any races that would be exciting to non-brotherly-lovers, so I don’t even know why I am posting this, except it gives me another chance to bitch about the transit strike. Grr.
Here in Walnut Creek, CA we’re voting on both a new congressman as well as whether a new Neiman Marcus should be built downtown. Fuck the recession, creek grrrls gots to dress.
Ken Coochie Nelly was brave enough to introduce a bill making it harder for me to get a divorce. Well I feel safer already. Thanks Top Cop Ken!
you can now summarize your hatred of nobama in 1 word on nytimes.com. “hitler”
Oh ugh, spent all day sick in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns on the computer and managed to completely forget that there were elections today. And then I had to go and open Wonkette and pop my happy bubble. Wake me when the screaming stops.
ForTheTurnstiles: I’ve never had roofrats and I’ve never met anyone who did. I think it’s a conspiracy to promote general common-sense sanitatary attitudes. THEIR TELLIN US HOWTA B-HAYVE!!!! WAKE UP SHEEEPL!
AnnieGetYourFun:
Do I have to answer that in the form of a question?
Great Old Ones Party: Sorry. Pappy. Didn’t mean to imply I was one of them mesy-cans!!!!!
Sadly, the special election today in Missouri is nowhere near as fun as what caused it:
http://www.stltoday.com/blogzone/the-grade/charter-schools/2009/08/jeff-smith-resigns-from-state-senate/
Wasted an excellent opportunity to blame everything, including the outcome of the Civil War, on ACORN.
PabaBritannica:
So does that lock or just ring?when you’re being unchaste?
NixonNow: If you only get one word to summarize anything doesn’t the word have to be: PLASTICS
WTF did that gimp Deeds actually put out signs touting his WaPo endorsement? At least it didn’t say “Vote Deeds, a MARK WARNER EXECUTIVE STYLE JOBS SPORTSMEN COAL NO CAP AND TAX GOVERNOR”, which was essentially his platform on tv here.
PabaBritannica: Chastity bell? I am thinking of a little bell put on pussies to ring every time they pounce….
Great Old Ones Party: They wash the bathroom floor with ‘em at the Pita Jungle on Apache.
ForTheTurnstiles: roofrats!!! jaysus!
house of the blue lights: Get comfy. Won’t be until 2017.
AKAM80TheWolf: Well, the one I saw once was just shaped like a bell, but if it’s one of those loud doorbell buzzers, I could see it ringing.
Yum, pancakes…
shadowMark: point taken.
Katydid: 2017? Well great! Don’t tell me you’ve conceded the next showdown between Bill Bolling and probably Terry McAuliffe. No way that goes wrong for Virginia!
I’m already thinking of things to demonstrate against in Richmond for the next four years. So many choices, so little time….
FOX & Friends claim victory yet?
There were ZERO people in line when I voted during lunch today in Fairfax County at West Potomac HS… ugh, not a good sign.
AnnieGetYourFun: Trick question. Wolf Blitzer has no dick.
qwerty42: Well, in NJ the governor lives in something called a “Drumthwacket.” I think I’d take my chances with the rats and the Repubicants in Arizona, given the choice.
waffles. obama likes waffles. not pancakes.
ForTheTurnstiles: and put em in the tacos at the Fili-B’s across from it….
Mmmmmmm….roofrat tacos…
I am so excited I could plotz. Oddly enough I am finding the music of Florence Foster Jenkins is mellowing me out a bit - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MM6qntPpyZ0
According to this Jessica Yellin, the person who receives the most votes is the winner. This is an interesting theory. I look forward to hearing more about this.
I enjoy the crazy that is Chris Matthews. What he fails to realize, however, is if Nobama had done much less in terms of trying to reform the country, he would have been called a lazy, no-good welfare cheat.
BECAUSE HE IS BLACK.
Hey. Matthews is making a good point.
Where are all the REAL Socialists?
Aren’t they pissed that Obama is stealing they’re fire?
NixonNow: Of course he does. They hold that hot dark sweet syrup oh so much betta.
Let me assure you that Virginia Coal Jobs, for as far as I can see, have yet to run in fright from Liberal Obama Democrat Creeeee Deeeeeeds, so good signs for Bob McDonnell.
Anybody got a line on Tranny rights vis-a-vis indoctrinating school kids in Kalamazoo, MI? Cuz I’m all set for some of that action.
SayItWithWookies: On the bright side, think of the proximity of the Appalachian Trail.
In NM, we don’t believe in holding elections in odd-numbered years. Jeebus was born 4 years Before Christ, which is even-numbered. So there. 1912, also.
We did recently have a local Electric Coop election. Four challengers swept into the 11-seat council, so the old guard decided to reduce the number of councilors to 5. TAKE THAT, NOOBS!
As personally loathsome as I find him I think McAuliffe would have run a better campaign than Deeds did. Hard to say if Moran would have done any better.
If anything, he will be the “Purplest City Council Member Evar”, right before his mistakenly eated by Jonah.
Um, we’re doing the whole “everything but marriage” thingie here in Washington. I’m pretty sure it’s going to pass, but to be fair, I’m just sort of pulling things out of my ass.
why won’t the msm just let obama eat his waffles? also, i heard purple people are not allowed within 100ft of government buildings in ny.
willmmmm: there’s no way McAuliffe wins outside NoVa and Richmond, and you need like 60% of NoVa to win without taking anything else outside the urban centers. Good luck getting 60% of NoVa to care about a Democratic Party fundraiser running for office, and good luck getting over 30% anywhere else.
Eric Cantor, you momzer: May you fall into the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians is finishing a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
I’ll spare you the original Yiddish.
“Eric Cantor doesn’t need to bring up bartisan bickering and divisiveness on television…”
“Bartisan” is my new favorite made-up word, and not just because it reminds me both of Barbisol *and* farting.
Why should I care about elections in Nova Scotia? Do they even HAVE Democrats up there? Fish, of course, yes, that could be relevant to the NY race. But…oh, I don’t understand. More rum, Jackie ‘Awkins.
I though Fuck Toad was just a well informed DC weatherman.
PabaBritannica: Oh I agree, but I think with the personnel and funds he had access to he could have formulated a more coherent message and campaign strategy. Either way it would have been a loss for Dems.
Atlanta, which is almost 60 percent black and 80 percent Democratic, is fixin’ to elect a (she claims ex-) Republican white girl as mayor, because of racism.
AnnieGetYourFun: Washington Washington, right? I heard about Initiative 1033. What is with that Tim Eyman guy? Is he rich?
Lazy Media: THE BIGGEST REPUDIATION OF n0bama EVER. ATLANTA ELECTS WHITE VAGINA.
So the conservatives have a mandate now?
Or just control of the “Trig-anomics” faction of the movement.
Great Old Ones Party: I just returned from casting my very first ballot in Arizona (God help me). In my suburban Tucson district, there were only two spaces to mark — both ballot initiatives requesting additional school funding. Of course I voted “yes” since I am a pro-education, Muslin-loving, Socialist elite who endorses race-mixing and the ghez. As soon as I see my next-door neighbor I will be sure to tell him. My hope is, the news will induce a heart attack or at least make him stop speaking to me. In our last conversation he tried to convince me that Alberto Gonzales is a misunderstood genius.
Lehigh County Judge of Elections had no nominees in either party. So now the leader in a scientific poll is the write in candidate. I promise to be Tough on Criminals and hardly ever take a fully funded hiking trip to Argentina.
AP just projected McJesus for VA Gov.
ShamWow: Walnut Creek, represent!
Quiet, you guys–I can’t hear Keith!
Look at it this way - VA has a 1-term limit for governors, so in 2013 there will be some other wingnut edumacated at Oral Roberts or Liberty or Regent to take McJeebus’s place.
Fuck that, I want to know whether Chris “Chris” Christie is going to eat Corzine’s beard for dinner.
Can I just sum it up early and then watch re-runs of Curb Your Enthusiasm? -
FOX - Unless the Dems sweep today, it’s clear evidence that tea parties are fun and Obama should be impeached or resign because no one wants the big O.
MSNBC - clear signal that Barry (a) tried to much too soon, or (b) not enough too slowly.
Lou Dobsie - people are upset at Mexicans and are sending a strong message that we need more fencing, cyclone, barb-wire, razor - whatever’s in stock at the local hardware store.
Larry King - Michael Jackson is still dead and questions remain on whether or not he was THE greatest performer or the GREATEST PERFORMER of all time in the history of dead performers.
Wolf Blitzed - we’ll predict so you don’t have to and it’s clear with 0 percent of the vote counted this goes down as the biggest defeat to the Democrats since France to the Nazis.
John King - I’d like to tell you who won but my computer’s acting up and ultimately it doesn’t matter because it’s all bad news for Obama.
Fishmonger Cabbie NY Post Reporter turned NYC city council, wow!! Here’s your early reward to cherish forever, purple penis face.
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/98395631-Fishmonger-Cabbie-NY-Post-Reporter-Joshua-Goldberg?offset=6&owner=chugs
Michael Steele is on the tv, if anyone needs a cold shower.
Also, I think Campbell Brown might be ‘full of shit’.
Sorry Wolf, the phrase we were looking for was “off year election”.
I just read a bit of Hot Air, with the claim that Democrats are paying gang bangers to intimidate voters. Obviously false, but the comments made me sad.
The wingnuts were saying New Jersey contributes nothing and that we should be sawed off of the nation and sent to sea if we don’t elect Republicans. That hurts, especially since we are a net donor, federally speaking.
As I am a Jersian with a small brain, what is the ideal comeback? Do I say “Your state is a welfare queen who is addicted to LIBERAL’S TAX DOLLARS!”?
The hot mayoral race in Tulsa — which is between an actual human-sized douche and shit taco — isn’t until next Tuesday. Yes, they are complete retards in Oklahoma. Why would you ask?
steve: Headline on CNN.com:
Republicans sweeps [sic] Virginia
Guess they laid off some copyeditors so they could pay for John King’s Giant iPod Touch Election Edition.
Rove and Billo.
Put on a hat and get rid of those hard ons.
President Beeblebrox: Politico.com is also calling Virginia’s statewide races for Republicans.
Creigh Deeds: GO FUCK YOURSELF. For being incompetent and losing to this plasticene bible-eater. FUCK. YOU.
blinky_twinkie: They’ve clearly WON THE EVENING with better spelling than CNN.
Socialism has been stopped. Now when their taxes don’t go up they’ll have Sarah Palin to thank. And if their taxes do go up, they’ll call the exterminators to water the tree of deregulation.
I made a lot of calls for Mr Deeds. I told everyone I know to vote for him.
McJeebus won’t let me use birth control in my marriage. This is the end of straight married sex for me.
I don’t want to mate like a Republican….:’(
comicbookguy: you made my AR-15 HAAAAARRD
Mara47: Not Democrats, but actual socialists running the government (well, NDP is socialist lite).
4tehlulz: If that happens, West Virginia will happily become Northwest Virginia, to kick off the ensuing constitutional crisis.
I thought I’d report on our thrilling local election here in San Francisco, where we’re deciding about putting ads up and taking them down, selling a stadium name or not selling it, and giving aides to San Francisco Supervisors (yes, that’s with an “e”). I just voted here at 10 minutes to 7 p.m.. My polling place had seen a whopping 47 other people come in since 7 a.m. this morning. The three poor sods staffing the polling place looked about the way I’d expect clients to look in an ethical suicide parlor.
Katydid: I think he gets paid to do this shit, but truth be told, I never pay attention. 1033 is going down, though.
Any news from Afghanistan and Karzai’s run off election?
As Planet Virginia slips into the cold, dark recesses of netherspace, Creigh Deeds is cursing his mother, while Virginia Dems seek oblivion at their local Bob Evans family resturaunt. Never to be heard of again.
Does this mean more ass fucking opportunities for the GOP?
Well, my little burgh re-elected “America’s Angriest Mayor” for anyone interested.
Da Gubbnah’h’s doublewide, ya heah?