Wonkette
A New Jersey operative, “Leslie,” sends us a couple of scans and writes, “My father just called me and asked if I had read the 500 word essay on the NJ Governor’s Sample Ballot. I just did, and it is such beautiful madness, I had to share it with you.” It is a completely great essay from petition candidate Gary Stein, who is running with his wife on the “Fools Rush In” Party ticket. Let’s see what he has to say, about politics.
Click to enlarge!
Hurry up and vote for Gary Stein, quickly, before fat Chris Christie eats him!
MORE BETTER JOBS please, Mr. Stein.
Chris Christie wants to eat your baby!
Is this some undiscovered William S. Burroughs novel?
My gf texted to ask who to vote for in the local Sheriff race. I texted back “Freak Power”, so I hope she doesn’t interpret that as voting for the 30 year old EMS driver and high school football coach that’s running.
It also looks like they hid Dagget on the ballot, so expect all those independents to just give up and vote Christie.
Shit. Wish I lived in New Jersey just this once.
He’s campaigning on 3-word Sinatra song titles? Does that mean he’s stuck between Something Stupid (Delaware) and New York, New York?
DON’T DRINK SOAP! KEEP OUT OF EYE! DILUTE! DILUTE! OK!
So, his plan is to blackmail Mexico until it turns into a “non-corrupt” nation, just like what Ronald Reagan did to China and Iran, which never had a problem since then? Also single payer? And does he know that a “useful idiot” is actually an idiom for people who act against their own self-interest to help a larger political movement, which was originally coined for people in the US who wanted the USSR to take over the world?
Seriously, since when did “Independent” mean take the most fringe views from opposing parties?
No slogan will ever top “If it’s good enough for Oldsmobile, it’s good enough for Trenton”. Exelsior!
Yeah, why should Daggett get all the attention?
http://www.voy.com/188088/
Stein’s username is SLEDGEHAMMER88. And we all know who George Hutchins is.
His website is also refreshingly wingnutty in an HTML challenged way.
This was meta.
That Socialist Party ticket looks suspicious; hm is Pason actually a misspelling of Paison? It’s Paison & Rozzo; oh no the Socialists are actually a front for the mafia no wonder the teabaggers are so afraid of them!
Hey, the guy likes Al Green. For that alone he gets my vote.
President Beeblebrox: I thought that treatise looked familiar. Vote Dr. Bronner for NJ Governor!
Some gentle soul might have saved Gary some time by explaining in Rat Pack terms what a governor does as opposed to what the US government is capable of. It sounds as if he would make a wonderful dictator of Benin, which would not require anyone’s vote, or perhaps President of Serbia if there is some odds and ends ethnic cleansing they haven’t gotten around to (the odd Mexican or two, for example) — except there’s Gary’s last name, which pretty much exempts him from Serbian public office. Oh, well.
His campaign bus:
http://steinforgovernor.com/images/photo_op_028_px4x.jpg
TVarmy: Since Ross Perot, at the very least. (Earlier, with Thurmond and Wallace, it meant Southern Democrat when a Dem. incumbent was nice to black people).
If you read the first letters of each line, from top to bottom, it doesn’t make any sense either.
As a New Jerseyian, it’s expected that something be the front for some form of organized crime. It’s public knowledge that the garbage collection is run by the mob. Teabaggers like the mob, as it runs outside the government and acts in its rational self interest, like Ayn Rand would if she were still alive.
The Socialists are probably not part of the mob.
Best campaign speech EVAH!
Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
TVarmy: But how can someone with an Italian name who lives in Jersey not be part of the mob?
I saw this last night while reading my sample ballot and I must say, all of the ballot by petition essays were entertaining, but this one took the cake.
Today we are all New Jerseyians..ites. Fucking demonyms.
TVarmy: He’s already repainted it for his congressional campaign!
Single Payer Health Insurance. Can this guy pass for Harry Reid, if we arrange to make the swap? I’ll take him!
On Stein’s website under the category “Journal”:
“Start a journal? Sure, I paid for 10 pages of web site.”
Awesome.
Holybalheadedchrist: Fucking gentilics?
GaryStein says what? Talk about rambling on and on and on…..
I swear, nutty also-rans like this are all I ever vote for any more.
WadISay: Nice!
Always with these guys it’s ‘kill the Department of Education’. It’s blithe to throw that out there given you have no idea what the department does or who would perform those functions otherwise.
On the other hand, he’s got still photos from SPARTACUS on his website - there’s something that will win almost any argument.
progressiveinga: All-One!
Yea! You ‘disappeared’ Michael Steele!
I hate to be self-referential and douchey, but *I* broke this story last Friday! Grumble grumble no one listens to me when I break obviously awesome stories grumble grumble.
Seriously, if you can’t get enough of this guy, please read/listen to my interview with him*. Thx!
*http://na710n.com/politics/for-nj-gubernatorial-candidate-gary-stein-it%E2%80%99s-all-about-the-%E2%80%9Clittle-guy%E2%80%9D/
p.s. oh no, I guess I’ve given away my secret identity. Oh well.
Best campaign slogan ever: Up theirs! Is Stein pro-buttzechs? Sounds like it.
Guppy06: Remember, a vote for Stein is a a vote for a kumbaya moment for Mexico.
ithasatilde: Nicely done. I’m looking forward to listening to the interviews after his landslide victory tonight.
We have a last-minute finalist in the Post’s pundit contest.
I’m sober so this made no sense. It’s ten in the morning out here so give me another half hour and I’ll read it again.
I didn’t know Prince Mongo had kids.
ithasatilde: “Frances Martel” doesn’t sound like a real name anyway. You have nothing to fear.
“Gary Stein for Governor: The Colloquial Candidate”
He misspelled colloidal.
It’s like james joyce and lou dobbs had a lovechild, and that lovechild had 10,000 monkeys, each with a typewriter, but without any wite-out, and the lovechild took their composite writings and tossed the product up in the air and whatever landed in the circle went into the essay. Brilliant, in a random-number-generator sort of way.
imissopus: I already tried. It still doesn’t make any sense.
“Up theirs!” A vote for Stein is a vote for the anal rape of Corzine and Christie.
Wowee, I’m glad it wasn’t one of my students turning in this “essay.” What a rambling piece of shit.
Is my taste impeccable; vote?
Hey, my plagiarism sense is tingling! Stein ripped this essay off of Engrish.com!
queeraselvis v 2.0: I believe the Al he likes is Greens.
Why do crazies insist on abusing the semicolon so?
gjdodger: Good enough for Memphis, good enough for Trenton.
CapnFatback: Haha, so it is! He must be part of a quartet, along with brothers Mustard, Collard, and Turnip.
CapnFatback: My favorite: Tri-color chicken-waist fungus. Yum!
proudgrampa: See, I’ve got a soft spot for the rungus of old people’s head.
Is Sarah Palin renting out her Speechwriting Word Randomizer again?
As a commie pinko NJ resident who can’t in good conscience vote for the incompetent Corzine, and certainly can’t vote for noted whale Chris Christie, I think I’ll just go ahead and vote for this guy later tonight. The coveted Wonkette endorsement has convinced me.
This should be the new label for Dr. Bronner’s liquid soaps…the one that smells like tea bags.
bozofish: I saw that crazed product for the first time when I was trying to find Tea Tree Oil for my poison ivy. It’s amazing how much crazy you can squeeze on a bottle when you use 4 pt type.
TVarmy: The road sign for Indian Cabin Road confirms it. I just KNEW he had to be a Piney.
http://www.weirdnj.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=64&Itemid=28
Also:
“Indian Cabin Road is yet another road that has stories of shotgun-wielding hicks driving black pick-ups and satanic groups worshipping along it. Indian Cabin is a very plain road…partially paved but mostly dirt. There are 2 points of interest on the road, and the funny part is technically they’re not on Indian Cabin. The road changes its name to Naegeli Street after a while, and that is where our oddities are found. The first is the Shaler Grave. The second and more well-known is the “satanic church”, which really is nothing more than a shrine at an abandoned boy scout camp.”
It all makes perfect sense now.
“Some economists would disagree, they’re wrong.”
Jesus said it. That settles it.
Man I started reading the Socialist candidate’s essay and just stopped because jesus fucking christ there are 11 candidates and they all have 500 word essays. My sample ballot for the NJ election is at least 3 feet wide and 2 feet tall it’s like a poster. But that seems awesome I’m gonna sit down on the couch and read his essay when I get home.
11 candidates! How easy is it to get on the NJ ballot anyway?
Manos: Hands of Fate: Hell, Memphis had 25 candidates for our mayoral special election. Including our beloved hero, Prince Mongo. 11 candidates seems perfectly reasonable.
It’s gibberish. Unfortunately, the ballot reprinting screwed it up. As originally written, the letters along the left margin spelled out: “Fuck you, you ugly bald gnome Jon Corzine, and fuck you, you fat freaking fuck Chris Christie.”
My message to the “facebook” friend from WOR- A little peer pressure goes a long way, doesn’t it? And to you other little twits, thanks for nothing. Someone, ME, gets in the establishment’s face and you choose to focus on the staccato sentences- by necessity dumbbells- 500 words…dsn’t go far..lot to say, no $… so gd luck..y/try it, I’ll sit back with a cold beverage and watch (and laugh). Gary Stein http://www.steinforgovernor.com/Mr.html