By the Comics Curmudgeon
Do you remember ’round about a year ago when it was all “hope and change” this and “yes we can” that, and everything was going to be fixed, forever? Ha ha! Obviously all of our problems are intractable and terrible and nobody can fix them, no matter how nice his teeth are. And so, we must muddle on with our sad, grey lives, turning briefly to media sensations for the brief peaks of joy we used to experience during holiday celebrations or sex. Tune in for more grim tidings, after the jump!

As ever, clicking on the cartoons makes them BIGGER CARTOONS!

Let me begin by saying that there was one, and only one, acceptable cartoon that emerged from the whole “balloon boy” fracas, and it was this one. You see, Afghanistan is a light, fluffy, ungovernably mess, floating briskly across the Colorado plain. The media and international community are distracted by its wobbly flight … but they should be focused on cute li’l Pakistan, hiding in a box back in the attic, with its nuclear bombs and its imploding government! OK, so it admittedly makes no sense, but this cartoon comes from someplace called “the Netherlands,” where they probably don’t even speak English, so how can we expect them to really “get it,” you know? At least they drew a halfway realistic balloon-Afghanistan hybrid thingie.

Meanwhile, back at the White House, things were looking dire. Barack Obama had thought that running an insurgent campaign and then becoming the first black president would fill that hole inside him, make him feel as if he’d accomplished something — but here it was, nearly a year later, and it wasn’t enough. So he decided to take the next logical step in his quest for self-fulfillment and had a five-way with four haggard-looking fiftysomething women in the Lincoln Bedroom. And still: nothing! He just laid there, smoking angrily, either ignoring or unaware of the awkward post-orgiastic silence that filled that hallowed room. How could he get what he wanted, what he needed?

After much introspection, Obama realized that he simply hadn’t gone far enough. I mean, a cougar orgy? How, you know, pedestrian. He was the most powerful man on Earth, and he needed to finally admit to himself his true sexual needs. He would dress up as an adorable, cheerful Cub Scout, donning that uniform that felt so innocent and right. He would find a lovable matronly old lady, one who needed his help, help he would be eager to give. Then he would walk her out to the middle of the street, where everyone could see, and feel her breasts. And then — and only then — would he be satisfied.

If only Harry Reid were so self-actualized! Maybe then he wouldn’t do unsettling, questionable stuff, like wrapping local schoolchildren in toilet paper. What is it with the guy and TP? Does this represent the fact that he sees America’s young as people he can poop on? Or is it an anal retentive thing, with the yards and yards of pristine paper the proud proof of his ability to not defecate until he’s good and ready? Whatever it is, it’s creepy and weird, Harry, and we’ll thank you to knock it off.

Man, TPing little kids is just the beginning of the stuff Harry Reid is into. Rumor has it that he has a giant dildo in his office, and when he’s done with a hard day of giving in and otherwise screwing shit up, he likes to go back there and rub his butt up against it, for sex. This rumor should be spread as far and as wide as possible, but you didn’t hear it from me, OK?

Why am I so nervous about Harry Reid being mad at me? Well, let’s just say that I hear that, if ol’ Harry doesn’t like you, he sends Congress around with a terrible tanker truck outfitted with some kind of awful vampire worm, and they hook it up to you and suck out all your blood. This is absolutely true! They already did it to the poor, innocent insurance companies, who of course have no blood to spare, so imagine what they’ll do to someone who really deserves it, like bloggers.

But enough of this grim blood-sucking talk! Let’s go back to our happy friends overseas, in the nation of France, where they’re drawing mice … with currency symbols … for tails … which represents … uh, I don’t think I understand exactly what they’re doing over there, to be honest.

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  1. At long last someone has sympathy for the poor maligned health insurance companies. All they want to do is help us, and yet we thwart them at every turn. I’m glad at least one of the nation’s cartoonists is finally standing up for the big guy.

  2. [re=447096]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: From their respective signatures, it looks as if they are the same person. The real question: Is “Glenn McCoy” Lisa, or is “Lisa” Glenn McCoy?

  3. As much as I actively, vigorously love to hate on McCoy. I think today’s entry is actually kinda funny. Not that Hopey gives a shit about FOX one way or the other, but the drawing itself is funny.

    He should stick to the sexy-time jokes, like that one he did with the Taliban cabbie trying to grope Pakistan’s sexy nuke-bomb tits.

  4. I love Josh’s narratives. They remind me of when Don Pardo tells those little stories to go with the completely unrelated prizes in the showcases on The Price Is Right.

  5. You see, the Euro-rat is shaped like an apple, while the Dollar-rat is shaped like an orange. They are attempting to sniff each-others asses, but are unable, because fruit does not shit. Clearly, this comic is about the connections between child labor in Japan and biodiversity loss in the Galapagos.

  6. The first cartoon makes complete sense: the McGuffin is in Pakistan, not Afghanistan. This was probably drawn before people realized the thing was a hoax and the real story that balloon boy’s father is an asshole. The Dutch maybe never even heard about that.

    The French currency rats? Uhm — balloon boy’s father is an asshole?

  7. [re=447096]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Actually, it’s one McCoy and three Lisas. She was fire this week!

    I’m finding my affection for the conservative political cartoonists — Lisa, McCoy, Ramirez, and of course the insane Chuck Asay — actually growing as the Obama administration goes on, I’m kind of terrified to say. Not that I’m coming ’round to their viewpoint, but there’s something about going after the party in power that I think sharpens one’s vision a bit.

  8. [re=447194]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: there’s something about going after the party in power that I think sharpens one’s vision a bit.

    That and it’s not as much fun to kick the guy who’s already down and out. Oh wait, these are conservative cartoonists. I’m probably wrong then.

  9. After viewing #2, even I think we should repeal Loving v. Virigina —

    — in order to protect handsome Kenyan men from butt-ugly white women. Yikes!

  10. [re=447111]Mr Blifil[/re]: Oh heavens, it’s only going to get worse when I tell you that they are not just French mice, they are French mime mice.

  11. HA! I interpreted the blood tanker truck one as saying that once the Baucus plan passes everything will be so great we’ll have tankers full of blood to distribute. Still not convinced I’m wrong.

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