school gays

Stop Those Gay Teachers In Maine From Making The Gay Kids Come Out!

The latest anti-gay ad in Maine, produced by a paranoid schizophrenic on meth, features random documents with bureaucratic titles and pulled phrases flying around the screen at warp speed, to Warn us. The gay teachers in Maine are all going to come out and then force the gay children — you know, the quiet little boys who play with dolls in the sandbox at recess — to come out with them.

“Gay marriage will be taught in schools unless we vote Yes on Question 1,” the insane person tells us. Do they “teach” straight marriage now? When we were in grade school, all the teaching was about multiplication and reading and George Washington and whatever. Now everyone just learns to be gay and to sext each other and to compare and contrast iPhones and Palm Pres.

Doubling Down [Andrew Sullivan]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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61 comments

  1. An American in Toronto

    I left Maine all those years ago because it was as dull as dishwater and now suddenly they are going to teach the buttsecks in school and boring old Olympia Snowe is somehow newsworthy?

    Maybe it was me that was keeping Maine a snoozefest for so long.

  2. UncleTom

    my recollection was that learning about gay sex took place after school…usually after football games on Friday night (Thursday if he was JV instead of varsity). My guess is that this will continue to be the pattern in Maine.

  3. the problem child

    Well, consider yourselves warned. If you don’t vote “yes”, my province will no longer be a haven for gay Mainiac weddings, and that is probably 50% of our tourism, right there. We will be just another Maine, only Canadian, slightly colder, and with universal health care. And we will miss the gay, gay butterflies of summer. Sigh.

  4. loquaciousmusic

    The great John Linnell (of They Might Be Giants) wrote a song a decade ago called “Maine.” Sample lyric: “Relaxing on my hands and knees, relaxing on my face…”

    OMG, JOHN LINNELL CAN TELL THE FUTURE!!!!!!!11!!!!1!

  5. Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin

    Is it just me, or every few years do they add another initial to LGBTQ? Who gets in next? F? BC? R?

  6. steve

    Reminds me of teaching reading using a film strip projector. It was great for teaching to read quickly but context and comprehension was often lacking as evidenced by this Ad.

  7. Holy Cow!!

    They’re the Homo-Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. You will be adapted to service Republicans in airport restrooms.

  8. snideinplainsight

    Maybe instead of a big red lobster the state’s license plates could say “Gay-cationland” and have a picture of that swishy dude in Scissor Sisters.

  9. DangerousLiberal

    Perhaps we can take hope in the predilection of crusty old New Englanders to just vote NO on everything, because, if in doubt, vote NO.

  10. bitchincamaro

    Queer orgies in Maine public schools sounds like an improvement on the status quo if you ask me.

  11. binarian

    I read that the same bunch of trolls who orchestrated the repeal, or vote down, or whatever of California’s Gay Marriage law are on the job on this one too.

  12. Larry McAwful

    [re=446390]loquaciousmusic[/re]: I’m not sure. He also said, “The shaving razor’s rusted but the pain brings you exactly back to Maine.” But I haven’t been to Maine since the first of August, and I’m growing a beard now.

    Still, John Linnell figured out Montana is a leg, so he’s still pretty bright.

  13. iantenna

    [re=446390]loquaciousmusic[/re]: by voting yes on 1 maine will, indeed, CRUSH YOUR EVIL (GAY!) HEART.

  14. RobertP

    Never have I heard the current state of public education put so accurately and succinctly than this: “Now everyone just learns to be gay and to sext each other and to compare and contrast iPhones and Palm Pres.”

    Bravo!

  15. V572625694

    [re=446410]binarian[/re]: The Faith that Dare Not Speak Its Name, but rhymes with Schmormans. Can’t they just eat their Jell-o and leave the rest of us alone?

  16. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=446419]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Just down the road from Bangor is Aetna.

    Aetna? Haven’t even kissed her yet.

    sorry, it’s a Maine accent joke.

  17. binarian

    [re=446424]V572625694[/re]: No, I’m afraid not. They never stop, Prostylitizing(sp?) Terminators. I’m wondering if this is an ambitious version of some young elder’s two year mission, like an Evangelical Boy Scout Eagle project.

  18. american mutt

    From my experience, it’s either you realize your teachers are gay now or years later when you remember those mustached music teachers who were never married.

  19. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=446429]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Heh. That reminds me of the old Southern query, “Jeet jet?”

    It usually functions as an invitation to a meal.

  20. Larry McAwful

    [re=446439]american mutt[/re]: That’s how it was with me, too (Hickory HS, Hermitage, PA, class of ’87.) There were some I wondered about, but they were married, so there were more variables in the calculus.

  21. Holden Caulfield

    [re=446391]Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin[/re]: Is it just me, or every few years do they add another initial to LGBTQ? Who gets in next? F? BC? R?

    G? O? P?

  22. Cheney Guevara

    I’m confused; I thought Maine is entirely populated with butch women couples driving Subaru outbacks.

    And Lobster trucks that accept food stamps.

    Are these Question 1 people interlopers?

  23. Hooray For Anything

    Frankly, if they’re worried about things out there encouraging kids to go gay, they should probably should be way more concerned about “Glee” than anything in this bill

  24. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=446424]V572625694[/re]: Naw, the Morms can’t just eat their Jello leave everyone alone, because their stated goal is world domination, and have you ever known a practicing homo to convert to LDS? So shooting down ghey rights is just an investment in their long-term goal to maximize a conversion-friendly populace.

  25. le petit mort

    Everyone knows lobsters are the gayest crustaceans. I mean, look at the tail on that outfit.

  26. Vulpes82

    [re=446391]Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin[/re]: You’re a few years behind: there’s an “I” for “Intersex” and an “A” for “Allies,” now. I honestly have no idea what we’ll add next, but we’re creative, so we’ll think of something.

  27. proudgrampa

    [re=446442]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: [re=446429]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Sex, sex, sex. Why do people want to talk about paper begs all the time???

  28. Accordion-o-rama

    The ad is really quite clever. By moving quickly back and forth between the various documents, it effectively taps into the target audience’s visceral fear of reading.

  29. sati demise

    [re=446389]the problem child[/re]: if they get their way, Ogonquit will turn into a sea side slum, for sure!

    [re=446410]binarian[/re]: Mormon invasion! yikes!

  30. petehammer

    I think I heard that music before… in a 1990s action film.

    “This summer… Gay Cop must fight against corruption… the only way he knows how – with gayness.”

  31. JooJoo Bee

    I love that when you go to the vid on YouTube, you see the notice, “Adding comments has been disabled for this video.” And after only 300 or so comments, too. Wow. All that paranoia must make folks awfully thin-skinned. They better load up on layers before winter sets in.

  32. Balls!

    [re=446439]american mutt[/re]: In my HS there were a couple of happily partnered gay English teachers who had their classrooms directly across from one another. They weren’t blatantly “out” but they weren’t all that “in” either. Mostly they were both good adult role models who happened to be queer.

  33. Potater

    [re=446492]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’ve never known a practicing human to convert to LDS. You could argue there’s Glenn Beck, but media leeches don’t qualify as human in the strictest sense.

  34. Zorg

    First Gay Activist: I say, Ms. Bonauto, do you have any plans for the weekend?
    Second Gay Activist: I do indeed! I am taking the fetching Ms. Betsy Smith for a drive through central Maine. We’ll start in Skowhegan and end up in Harrington.
    First Gay Activist: Are you going to Bangor?
    Second Gay Activist: Possibly, providing I can, by some ruse, elude her chaperone from “Focus On The Family.”

  35. Herman the German

    What’s the meaning of “to sext”?
    I am surprised that it is possible to learn something about sex from you Americans.

  36. Captain Swing

    There isn’t a hole deep enough for the kind of asshats who have nothing better to do than promote prejudice and hatred, while apparently revelling in their own ignorance and stupidity.

    Sorry, fellow Wonketteers, no snark here. The makers of this audio-visual pustule should just EAT.SHIT.AND.DIE.

    I feel better now (normal snark will be restored in my next post…)

  37. UnattendedConsequence

    This is some serious shit. Being a “Mainer” – I’ve lived here for twenty years but I’ll always be “from away” so I’m not really a Mainer – being a “Mainer” I get to participate in Tuesday’s erection and I will proudly vote to turn the children gay. And you should too. Maine could use more interior decorators and boy scout leaders and movie actors, although that guy in grey’s anatomy might not be gay. So, there! (We like to say So, there! around here.)

Comments are closed.