COCKTOBER  11:11 am October 28, 2009

South Carolina Has Basically Decriminalized Having Daytime Prostitute Sex In Cemeteries

by Juli Weiner

Meet Roland Corning! Roland Corning, a 65-year-old married man, likes two things: 1. being an assistant district attorney in South Carolina and 2. filling his Ford Explorer with sex medicine and sex toys and 18-year-old prostitutes (for sex) and taking all these things to the local cemetery on Monday afternoons (for sex). This is illegal, all of it, well all of the second part. Except when a South Carolina policeman stopped Corning outside of his ad hoc graveyard pleasure den, he did not charge him with any crime after Corning identified himself as the Roland Corning, assistant district attorney and celebrated tombside rake.

The State has all the details from the police report:

[The officer, Michael] Wines wrote in his report that two people were in the car – Corning and an unnamed 18-year-old female, an “employee of Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club.”

Earlier, Wines had witnessed the Ford Explorer that Corning was driving pull into a secluded portion of Elmwood Cemetery that Wines had “received past complaints in ref. to illegal activity, i.e. sex acts and drug abuse,” Wines wrote in the report.

Once the occupants of the Explorer saw Wines’ patrol car, the driver “attempted to make a hasty retreat, spinning the tires in the driveway and accelerating rapidly,” according to the report.

By the time Wines, who had gotten out of his patrol car, made it back into his vehicle, the Explorer was gone, the report said. Wines got on the radio and asked other officers in the area to look for the Explorer, and one of the officers stopped Corning on Wayne Street, a few blocks from the cemetery.

Wines then interviewed Corning and the woman, and said they gave “conflicting statements as to why they were at the location, and to their relationship.” Because of that, Wines wrote, he asked Corning some more questions, which is when Corning identified himself as an attorney and showed Wines his “state attorney general’s badge.”

“At that point I asked if there was anything illegal in the vehicle, which he stated no and gave consent to search,” Wines wrote.

The search revealed a sex enhancement drug and some sex toys. According to the report, Corning told Wines he had a prescription for the medication and the other items were always in the car “just in case.”

It would seem then, given every single word you just read, that an arrest would have made sense! Mmhmm, well, people are looking into it.

[The State]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 157 comments }

Car Ramrod October 28, 2009 at 11:14 am

Is Whore Platinum worth more than a Whore Diamond?

AnnieGetYourFun October 28, 2009 at 11:20 am

Ah, so THIS is why Boeing is moving the 787 production to S. Carolina. It’s all making sense to me now.

mardam422 October 28, 2009 at 11:20 am

“just in case”…I LOVE THAT.

But does he make them take a cold shower first and lie very still?

norbizness October 28, 2009 at 11:21 am

Maybe Sanford can clue him in to some sweet Argentinian cemeteries.

ChernobylSoup v2 October 28, 2009 at 11:21 am

“Just in case” for the win.

memzilla October 28, 2009 at 11:21 am

Guess he had to use the cemetery because the Sex Police closed the Appalachian Trail.

Darkness October 28, 2009 at 11:22 am

Can we force South Carolina to secede now that we’ve sneakily and conveniently concentrated the worse of the political loserdom there?

Just pull out their old secessionist docs, sign ‘em, hand ‘em back.

freakishlystrong October 28, 2009 at 11:22 am

Wow! What the fuck is in the water in South Carolina? Sex and drugs and Appalachian Trails!

Barry White Zombie October 28, 2009 at 11:23 am

I’d like to think that even a South Carolina assistant DA wouldn’t be so foolish as to admit that he was going to pay her for sex. It’s sleazy as hell, but what should he have been arrested for here besides stupidity?

Also, if you ever give a cop permission to search your vehicle under any circumstances you should get a swift kick in the nads, and have to write a 1000 word essay about “what my civil liberties mean to me.”

Since Mr. Corning is a South Carolina Republican I’m surprised it wasn’t an underage boy or at least an Argentine.

Jim Demintia October 28, 2009 at 11:23 am

Down here, we consider this kind of thing a form of sacrifice to honor the shades of the Confederate Generals.

takes12no1 October 28, 2009 at 11:23 am

this is right down the street from my work…hmm. was wondering what all those sirens were on Monday. This guy has to be a republican right…right?

[re=445236]Car Ramrod[/re]: Platinum Plus ladies are a step above the Bottoms Up ladies I suppose.

MMS October 28, 2009 at 11:23 am

Platinum Plus girls’ll “break yo’ dick off.”

Buzz Feedback October 28, 2009 at 11:24 am

Attention “wide stance.” You’ve just been supplanted by “just in case.”

Doglessliberal October 28, 2009 at 11:24 am

Ah, just as Cocktober draws to a close, SC steps up to the plate for us.

Zadig October 28, 2009 at 11:25 am

[re=445236]Car Ramrod[/re]: You know that Platinum Plus is the most whorish and repugnant of strip chains, because we ran it out of fucking MEMPHIS.

Prommie October 28, 2009 at 11:25 am

I never thought of that, take the “cardate” to the cemetary! So thats how its done? And the Amyl Nitrate, now rumor has it that this is used to dilate the anus, or does it just enhance orgasm? I am thinking of moving to South Carolina now.

TGY October 28, 2009 at 11:25 am

This is all boringly traditional.

dijetlo October 28, 2009 at 11:26 am

Who put this 18 year old prostitute in my car? Dammit! Those guys at the states attorneys office are such kidders! Fortunately, I am prepared for this eventuality. Much like a boy scout…but with large, gasoline powered vibrators and a jumbo sized bottle of Viagra…so better.

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2009 at 11:26 am

New SC AAA roadside kit:
Three Road Flares
One Mylar Survival Blanket
One First Aid Kit
One Silicone Dildo
One Vibrator
One bottle of Astroglide Lube
A Six pack of Condoms
One set of anal beads

oldguy October 28, 2009 at 11:26 am

Hey! Roland Corning of SC is on Facebook! And he’s got lots of friends – like “MANDY HOOKER,” who dresses for name recognition.

Prommie October 28, 2009 at 11:27 am

[re=445252]Barry White Zombie[/re]: Hey, it could have been a convincing tranny and the police never thought to check.

Vladimir Putin's Infinite Playlist October 28, 2009 at 11:27 am

Fun screen capture of Roland Corning’s Facebook results page: http://tinypic.com/r/35ar9qb/4

Terry October 28, 2009 at 11:28 am

“Just in case”

Imagine going out on a date with a guy who keeps sex toys in his car (and a prescription for what I’ll bet is viagra or something similar) “just in case”. It’s no wonder he’s having to pay for it.

Zadig October 28, 2009 at 11:29 am

[re=445247]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: Because you never know when you might be passing through some graveyard, just, you know, minding your own business, looking at the graves or whatever, when SUDDENLY: some chick, who I don’t know if she’s a hooker or what but she didn’t ask ME for any money, just totally jumps your bone. You gotta have your kit on hand, man, for emergencies like this one.

norbizness October 28, 2009 at 11:29 am

What does a South Carolina sex toy look like, anyway? A wind-up mechanical kangaroo that punches you in the junk?

Prommie October 28, 2009 at 11:29 am

[re=445262]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I pair of nylons, one hundred dollars in gold, one hundred rubles, one package of condoms . . .

Crank Tango October 28, 2009 at 11:30 am

Well, the AAA website recommends keeping the following on hand:
-can of fix-a-flat
-jumper cables
-road flares
-viagra
-kitty litter
-12 inch black rubber cock
-an old blanket.

Just in case.

Barry White Zombie October 28, 2009 at 11:31 am

[re=445262]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Charleston with all that stuff.

Terry October 28, 2009 at 11:31 am

“Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.”

Of course. If he’d been best known for anti-gay issues, the person in the car with him would have been a 14 year old boy.

GuyClinch October 28, 2009 at 11:31 am

I always keep a bushel of millet, high-test epsom salts, and a wresting mat in my car, just in case. I have an Rx for the salts.

lil freeper October 28, 2009 at 11:31 am

Roland Corning read Sanford’s essay on Ayn Rand, and is just taking the idea of individual liberty to it’s logical conclusion

JMP October 28, 2009 at 11:32 am

Great, a Halloween-themed Cocktober surprise!

Is this the first time a “Don’t you know who I am”-style (though more polite than usual) response to a cop has actually worked?

Crank Tango October 28, 2009 at 11:32 am

[re=445262]ManchuCandidate[/re]: dammit, that’s what i get for not refreshing!

Carolina October 28, 2009 at 11:33 am

You don’t really want us to secede. Some states may give you a passing thrill, but only South Carolina can be counted on, year after year, for non-stop political humor.

magic titty October 28, 2009 at 11:36 am

If that mausoleum’s a-rockin’…

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2009 at 11:38 am

This is one of many reasons I’m not a cop — I would’ve arrested an assistant DA with glee, especially if he left me no other choice. And running away from police? C’mon — they sic the dogs on you for that on Cops.

el donaldo October 28, 2009 at 11:38 am

Corning identified himself as an attorney and showed Wines his “state attorney general’s badge.”

Surely that’s a euphemism.

finallyhappy October 28, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=445252]Barry White Zombie[/re]: Correct but in South Carolina, I’m betting naked twin 12 year olds wouldn’t get the state attorney general arrested

finallyhappy October 28, 2009 at 11:41 am

Ah, he was fired

Balls! October 28, 2009 at 11:42 am

[re=445259]Prommie[/re]: As far as I remember Amyl Nitrate is pretty much a buttseks enhancer, and not a general orgasm enhancer. A hustler friend of mine used to swear by it. So if he had that in the car in conjunction with sextoys the girl was probably cornholing him. He is a republican after all.

Citizen Kitteh October 28, 2009 at 11:42 am

“Tombside Rake” sounds like an early 19th century Victorian penny dreadful. Like!

wx insider October 28, 2009 at 11:43 am

I’m sure all he wanted to do was to bury his bone.

UnattendedConsequence October 28, 2009 at 11:45 am

That’s nothing. South Carolina is pretty squared away. Up here in Maine if we don’t pass Question One come next Tuesday the guvmint is going to require everyone to be gay! Including Olympia Snowe.

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2009 at 11:45 am

[re=445287]finallyhappy[/re]:
The updated article ends with

Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.

What a shock.

JMP October 28, 2009 at 11:46 am

[re=445282]Carolina[/re]: Nah; there’s also Florida.

Darkness October 28, 2009 at 11:46 am

[re=445286]finallyhappy[/re]: True. All he would have to point out is that they are his niece and nephew and it’d all be good.

Crank Tango October 28, 2009 at 11:46 am

[re=445287]finallyhappy[/re]: ah but his wife still works in the same office. Awkward!

frailamerica October 28, 2009 at 11:47 am

A dreaded sunny day. So let’s go where we’re happy. And I meet you at the cemetry gates.

Terry October 28, 2009 at 11:49 am

[re=445284]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

Oh, but did you see in the article that this policeman’s wife worked with Corning. He called his wife to verify the guys identity, then she called her boss and got Corning fired. That’s as good or better than arresting Corning.

Darkness October 28, 2009 at 11:50 am

Corning’s “Cemetery Sexcapades” scandal is a huge embarrassment for McMaster, who has staked out a high profile for himself (and his gubernatorial campaign) when it comes to cracking down on online prostitution – an effort that has met with little success, incidentally.

From fitsnews.com. I loled.

magic titty October 28, 2009 at 11:54 am

[re=445284]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s funny, because I also feel like my I’m an asshole cop instinct would surface, and I’d just be a complete douche all the time, arresting people for not curbing their dogs and shit. This is why I’m not a police officer.

Monsieur Grumpe October 28, 2009 at 11:54 am

“Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives. ”

Not any more.

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2009 at 11:56 am

[re=445298]Terry[/re]: Yeah, fired before he was arrested. Oh, also, I meant assistant AG, not DA. Damn.

[re=445299]Darkness[/re]: The FITS News story, via one of the State commenters:
http://www.fitsnews.com/2009/10/28/sc-cemetery-sex-scandal-deepens/

Darkness October 28, 2009 at 11:57 am

[re=445303]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: No, he’s still systematically fucking with women. Same cause, different mode.

Texan Bulldoggette October 28, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Hey, ease up on Roland, will ya? Who hasn’t picked up a lovely young lady from the local gentleman’s club and driven out to the cemetery with a bunch of sex toys & Viagra to get their groove on? Wonkettes are such prudes!

Terry October 28, 2009 at 12:01 pm

[re=445308]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

Oh, and the AG’s office tried to suppress the story after firing Corning, probably because the AG’s office has had a visible and unsuccessful effort to crack down on prostitution.

I predict that some people will get quitting to spend more time with their families.

Crank Tango October 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

[re=445296]Crank Tango[/re]: you’re an idiot and can’t read.

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

[re=445308]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
And then you wonder why many bitch about Black People getting off of crimes.

It appears that it’s okay to be soft on crime if the criminal in question is a white well connected Christer.

finallyhappy October 28, 2009 at 12:04 pm

[re=445302]magic titty[/re]:yeah, I’d like to shoot people who were hurting their kids or pets or spouses so police work wouldn’t work for me.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 28, 2009 at 12:11 pm

[re=445258]Zadig[/re]: Sigh and yes. But we’ll always have The Pony.

Aloysius October 28, 2009 at 12:12 pm

‘an unnamed 18-year-old female, an “employee of Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club.”’

I guess membership does have its privileges.

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=445316]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
Idiot. Forgot to add the “It’s all about projection”

Dumbass.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 28, 2009 at 12:13 pm

[re=445282]Carolina[/re]: And Louisiana. NEVAR FORGIT!

magic titty October 28, 2009 at 12:17 pm

[re=445317]finallyhappy[/re]: yes, because you’d only be allowed to give them a citation and a stern talking to.

user-of-owls October 28, 2009 at 12:18 pm

[re=445283]magic titty[/re]: That’s a pretty cryptic remark.

Mad Brahms October 28, 2009 at 12:21 pm

[re=445323]Aloysius[/re]: Do you get cash-back bonus points or frequent-flier miles with that card?

God, SC is the state that keeps in giving, though this would’ve might have been just as good up north, perhaps in Roland Burris’ Death Shrine.

S.Luggo October 28, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Corrections and additions:
1. Roland’s title at time of the stop was Assistant State Attorney General, not no piddling “assistant district attorney”.
2. Republican.
3. The S.C. Attorney General, on hearing from the cop’s wife — who also works in the AG’s Office — of Rolly escapade, pushed the Rollster under the proverbial bus.

http://www.thestate.com/local/story/1002279.html

“[As a Republican state rep.] Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.”

PrairiePossum October 28, 2009 at 12:22 pm

A red light district in a cemetery – well, I guess you don’t have to worry about the residents calling the cops.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello October 28, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=445269]norbizness[/re]: Excellent question. Up until now, I considered “South Carolina sex toy” a euphemism for Lindsey Graham’s staffers.

Mad Brahms October 28, 2009 at 12:24 pm

[re=445332]PrairiePossum[/re]: Too bad the motto of the Platinum Plus Girls is “sex so good, it can wake the dead!”

PrairiePossum October 28, 2009 at 12:28 pm

[re=445335]Mad Brahms[/re]:

If the sex was that good, Corning wouldn’t need the Viagra to get it up.

proudgrampa October 28, 2009 at 12:29 pm

They can’t make this stuff up.

Just in case. Indeed.

Wonketteers, you have made my day. Thank you.

forgracie October 28, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Cocktober was slow in coming this year.

Guppy06 October 28, 2009 at 12:30 pm

OK, Wonkette grammar nazis, is it “attorney general’s” or “attorney’s general?”

germansteel October 28, 2009 at 12:35 pm

The ADA should have distracted that police officer by asking him if he knew how many dead people there are in that cemetery? (The answer: All of them.) It would have cracked him up so much he would have forgotten why he was after him in the first place.

bitchincamaro October 28, 2009 at 12:37 pm

We may be witnessing the death of newspapers, but The State has proven yet again, that there will always be room for a Sexytime With Public Officials blotter in one format or another.

P Drizzle October 28, 2009 at 12:37 pm

South Carolina: always first in the race to be last!

Ok, she was a woman. She was 18. I am so very proud of my home state and soon-to-be gypsy tent camp.

Darkness October 28, 2009 at 12:39 pm

I’d go with “attorney general’s” for the possessive, but “attorneys general” for the plural.

S.Luggo October 28, 2009 at 12:42 pm

[re=445340]Guppy06[/re]: The term for more than one South Carolina Assistant Attorney General is snatch hounds.

Decker October 28, 2009 at 12:42 pm

Nice use of the other Roland’s crypt, even if it is alt textless.

A Better American Than You! October 28, 2009 at 12:42 pm

I just noticed that Roland Corning is a Joe Wilson campaign donor.

Ah love you, South Carolina.

Lazy Media October 28, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Smart move on the cop’s part. You need to make an arrest only if a) the suspect is dangerous or likely to commit more crimes in the near future (unlikely in this case; I doubt he can get it up now WITH Viagra) or b) the suspect might flee. An ADA fits neither of those. He can still be indicted by a grand jury based on the incident report; you don’t need an arrest until that happens.

This would involve corruption only if the cops let him go without filing a report, which they din’t.

Zadig October 28, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=445340]Guppy06[/re]: When you hear “attorneys general” it’s the plural. Possessive (correct me if I’m wrong, fellow grammar crypto-fascists) form would be “attorney general’s”.

But law uses fancier language than that, so that possessive rarely gets used. Instead of “attorney general’s office” it’s “Office of the Attorney General” and so on.

Redhead October 28, 2009 at 12:44 pm

Was the “prostitute” the chair of the board of education doing research for her next online sex pr0n story?

June Cleaver 2.0 October 28, 2009 at 12:45 pm

When I saw the tombstone, I thought Wonkette was making fun of Roland Burris.

PsycGirl October 28, 2009 at 12:50 pm

So, you’re 65, got a car full of sex toys just in case, sex drugs, a willing (if only for money) 18-year-old and you think “Where should I go to enjoy my carnal riches??? I could pay $70 and have the privacy of a hotel room. Screw that, CEMETARY here I come!!

I not understand. It must be a South Carolina thing.

Flanders October 28, 2009 at 12:51 pm

[re=445303]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: +1!

Mr Blifil October 28, 2009 at 12:51 pm

And here I was told strippers don’t turn tricks. Once again, I have played the gullible knave.

Jim89048 October 28, 2009 at 12:52 pm

Guess he should’ve just kept fucking that chicken instead.

YellowKid October 28, 2009 at 12:52 pm

[re=445347]Darkness[/re]: Oddly, though, my honey and I concluded that the plural of “drinky-poo” would be “drinky-poos” and not, as I’d originally thought, “drinkies-poo.”

That is all.

yellowdogdem October 28, 2009 at 12:54 pm

Singular: Attorney General. Plural: Attorneys General. If you want the possessive, it would be (for example) “a spokesman for the Attorney General’s office said…” I can’t think of a possessive use for “Attorneys’ General,” but if there is one, the apostrophe comes after the “s.”

Mr Blifil October 28, 2009 at 12:57 pm

I WANT MY CUNTRY BACK THE DAY A 65 YR OLD ANTIABORTION CONSERVATIVE CANT BONE A STRIPPER IN TEH PRIVACY OF A PRIVATE CEMETARY IS THE DAY THE CONSTITUTION BECOMES MERELY A PIECE OF PAPER BUSH WUZ RIGHT OBAMA IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT HOW DARE ALAN GRAYSON CALL PEOPLE WHORES HE IS THE TRUE WHORE IN THIS SCENARIO

RoscoePColtraine October 28, 2009 at 1:01 pm

Some people are exhibitonists, and get a certain thrill from fucking outdoors, others are married and too cheap to spring for a $25 motel room; this guy Roland prolly falls into category ‘B.’ But I’ll give him credit for choosing the cemetery, in some unintended keeping with the Halloween season.

UncleTom October 28, 2009 at 1:05 pm

The Elmwood Cemetary appears to be a too open and sparse. Not what I’d consider a likely place for a little afternoon delight. However, for beautiful park-like settings, I’ve always preferred the Spring Grove Cemetary in Cincinnati or Graceland Cemetary in Chicago.

Graceland has the advantage of being billed as “an oasis of art, architecture and horticulture since 1860.” So I’d think it would be a much more likely place to lead a Platimum Club whore to culture than somewhere like Elmwood.

Scottie October 28, 2009 at 1:06 pm

ala Dangerfield: “I can’t even get arrested in this state!” “I tell ya, I get no respect!”

Darkness October 28, 2009 at 1:06 pm

[re=445353]Zadig[/re]: So you are saying that it is classier to write: flaccid, Viagra-starved, crypt-chilled penis of the Attorney General?

Lascauxcaveman October 28, 2009 at 1:08 pm

[re=445353]Zadig[/re]: And don’t forget the plural possessive: “Atttorneys Generals’.”

I’ll use it correctly in a sentence: “Many lunches and cokes found themselves on keyboards and monitors today, accompanied by the sounds of loud guffaws as the news from South Carolina made its way to attorneys generals’ offices around the nation.”

Terry October 28, 2009 at 1:08 pm

[re=445362]PsycGirl[/re]:

No, it’s a fiscally conservative Republican thing.

Oh, have any photos of his wife surfaced yet?

Great Old Ones Party October 28, 2009 at 1:08 pm
proudgrampa October 28, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=445372]yellowdogdem[/re]: An Attorney’s General is kinda like a Levi’s Johnson.

laziestgal October 28, 2009 at 1:23 pm

This reminds me of when Richard III hit on Lady Anne at the funeral of her husband, whom Richard had killed. I mean, just the sex and cemetery part.

Sharkey October 28, 2009 at 1:23 pm

“Cemetaries” is a term that is often, and correctly, seen as disrespectful to Platinum Plus employees, on Monday afternoons.

loquaciousmusic October 28, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=445245]mardam422[/re]: This guy makes Donnie Pfaster sound like Casa-fucking-nova.

takes12no1 October 28, 2009 at 1:25 pm

[re=445372]yellowdogdem[/re]: that’s what attorneys (male or female) call their penises.

One Yield Regular October 28, 2009 at 1:27 pm

Ford Explorer? What, no beat-up white windowless van?

yankee October 28, 2009 at 1:35 pm

This really is a great story, init?

1. Was the assistant AG fucking the girl in the cemetery? There’s no real evidence that suggests this is true. The circumstances aren’t especially flattering, but there are a lot of things that aren’t flattering that are altogether legal. My face, for example.

2. Why does everyone insist she’s a prostitute? So she works at a strip club. Maybe she’s the CFO or an accountant. She’d spend her days uncreasing all those bills that people have folded lengthwise. And after work, maybe she visits the graves of South Carolooligans who paid the ultimate price during the War for Northican Aggression. She’s writing a paper on the subject at her sorority.

3. Assistant AG may have been there for a worker’s comp related matter. She may have filed a claim, and as a pubic servant, he was verifying that it was all on the up and up. She’d filed a claim that her lower colon, for example, had been damaged in a work-related activity. The commish was there — on the scene, with his field testing rig, “just in case,” as he said to the officer — to ensure that this was a legitimate claim, not one of them phony things like they do up in New York.

4. Finally, I’d like to mention the splendid coverage this story has received in the press. Yes, there will always be a place for scandal. But, day-yam, this is really awful. It’s so bad I don’t care what it might mean:

“It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve heard of City of Columbia police officers letting powerful politicos off the hook for alleged violations of the law, however, with the name of longtime McMaster antagonist Jean Toal coming to mind.”

Paul Tardy October 28, 2009 at 1:36 pm

Thanks for the heads-up, I never thought of the sex/drugs in the cemetery thing. Does anyone know what an acceptable tip for the grounds keeper might be?

Hey, at least the girl was like, alive. The alternative is so ewwwwwwwwwww.

Any chance she was a goth chick? a-bada-bump

Darkness October 28, 2009 at 1:41 pm

[re=445405]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’m pretty sure it’s Attorneys General’s. As in Attorneys General’s cars are frequently seen parked for the afternoon around cemeteries and all-boys’ schools.

yankee October 28, 2009 at 1:44 pm

[re=445445]Paul Tardy[/re]: Well, yes, she’s alive. But she doesn’t even have a name. Goth chick? I doubt it. Have you ever seen a goth stripper (or CFO, see my earlier post)? Goths don’t move. Strippers do. Goths wear lots of baggy clothes. Strippers don’t.

I agree that her surviving this visit with the executive branch of gummint a good thing. To be murdered would be awful. At age 18, when you’re working as a stripper, as part of a sex crime would be far worse. The indignity would be made worse by it occurring in a graveyard.

Good news is, She lived!

What do you think he stage name is?

Monsieur Grumpe October 28, 2009 at 1:56 pm

[re=445452]yankee[/re]:
Elvira?

Prommie October 28, 2009 at 1:58 pm

[re=445452]yankee[/re]: That would be a member of the Judicial Branch, sirrah! Thats why the USAs are not supposed to be taking their orders from Karl Rove.

Decker October 28, 2009 at 2:05 pm

[re=445452]yankee[/re]: Harriette “Hairy” Palmetto

yankee October 28, 2009 at 2:08 pm

“And now…
from Moot Pointe, Loo-EEE-see-an-a….

Platinum Plus… in conjunction with Jessica Mittford Productions

is pleased to present the lovely…

Tammy Lasorda!

Mahousu October 28, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Oh, come on, they were probably just there doing genealogy research.

BlueStateLibtard October 28, 2009 at 2:11 pm

This guy is 65 years old and an assistant district attorney and he gives the cop consent to search his vehicle??? Even the attorneys in SC are dumbasses. Take my advice, when a cop asks for consent to search your vehicle, always say NO, no matter how innocent you think you are.

Tundra Grifter October 28, 2009 at 2:12 pm

[re=445262]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Reads like the emergency pack detailed by Slim Pickins in “Dr. Strangelove.” “Feller could have a pretty good time in Vegas with this kit.”

Tundra Grifter October 28, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=445271]Prommie[/re]: OK, you beat me to it! Wasn’t there a .45 in there?

You know – just in case?

yankee October 28, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=445470]Prommie[/re]: Prommie, you are both wrong and blonde.

Let’s go back to sixth grade. Three branches of gummint, at both the fed and state levels: Legislative, which makes laws. Executive, which enforces laws. And Judicial, which interprets laws.

Assistant Attorney General is part of the executive branch. Just like the guvnah, AG, department of education prevention, dog catcher, etc. So is the cop. Again, in charge of carrying out the laws.

The whole thing about Rove and US Attorneys was a matter of separation of powers, but rather crass partisanship and a violation of an explicit prohibition on the consideration of political matters in US Attorney appointments.

You have been schooled.

bitchincamaro October 28, 2009 at 2:20 pm

“Hallowpeen” is now officially a sub-folder of “Cocktober”.

Tundra Grifter October 28, 2009 at 2:20 pm

[re=445428]laziestgal[/re]: Well, all of a sudden there her afternoon was open…

gurukalehuru October 28, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Roland, Roland, Roland
Keep Cocktober rollin’
Roland, Roland, Roland
Platinum Plus!

…and isn’t that the Roland Burris Mausoleum? Do all jokes involving guys named Roland now have to be set in cemeteries?

Jukesgrrl October 28, 2009 at 2:22 pm

[re=445256]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Just in case, also, too. Fixed.

[re=445339]forgracie[/re]: Cocktober WAS slow in coming, as you say. Perhaps we could “extenze” this year into Nobvember.

yankee October 28, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Or maybe this: She’s a transvestite stripper.

“Yes, gennelmens, it’s time for the best of both worlds.

Please join me in giving a warm welcome to an extended member of the Platinum Plus family.

The lovely and versatile Prommie DeComposia!”

Jesus, writing this makes me feel like I need to take a bath.

ProfessorJukes October 28, 2009 at 2:28 pm

[re=445252]Barry White Zombie[/re]: Right on. Never give consent to search anything. Make’em get a warrant. You don’t need to give them a reason why you’re denying consent. “I’m just not comfortable with it” is fine.
And what would they arrest him for? An illegal u-turn in a cemetery?

yankee October 28, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=445504]gurukalehuru[/re]: Can someone please work up a rewrite of Warren Zevon’s “roland, the headless thomson gunner?”

Roland, the heartless hooker-fucker?

Roland was a lawyer
from the land of the mid-day fun
with a love for nameless hookers
with homework to be done

A deal was made in a strip joint
that dark Cocktober day
and he set out for the graveyard
to supplement her pay

Roland, the heartless hooker-fucker
(talkin’ about the the man)etc

Can someone please pick it up from here? Li’l help, please?

donner_froh October 28, 2009 at 2:37 pm

[re=445302]magic titty[/re]: I’m not a police officer because I would rather take drugs and get high. They make you take a drug test before they give you a gun and since I already have a couple I don’t need no stinkin’ badge(s).

ProfessorJukes October 28, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Alright, so it’s and 18-year old FEMALE ‘exotic dancer’. I’m still shocked at the female part, but … please please please please please please… let her be BLACK.

FlownOver October 28, 2009 at 2:39 pm

If Georgia law enforcement had been this effective back in the Sixties we might never have heard “In Memory of Elizabeth Reed.”

yankee October 28, 2009 at 2:42 pm

[re=445538]FlownOver[/re]: Good song. Sounds like there might be a story there. what happened?

gurukalehuru October 28, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=445340]Guppy06[/re]: Attorney General’s is a possessive, as in “It was the Attorney General’s sex toy.” Attorneys General is the plural, as in “Attorneys General do this kind of shit all the damned time.” Hope that helps.

Tundra Grifter October 28, 2009 at 2:45 pm

I’d say Mr. Corning had a rather unhealthy Quentin Dean fixation.

Meanwhile, if this is the Elmwood Cemetery is there also a Jake?

finallyhappy October 28, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=445551]Tundra Grifter[/re]: wasn’t that Elwood?

PrairiePossum October 28, 2009 at 2:52 pm

[re=445525]yankee[/re]:

Roland the heartless hooker-fucker
when the cop saw him, he gave chase.
Roland had sex toys and penis pills
but only just in case

yankee October 28, 2009 at 2:54 pm

[re=445535]ProfessorJukes[/re]: Would a 65 year old prosecutor in SC really chase after a negress?

I doubt it. Seems to me they’d have to be in an environment that’s more suitable to historically accurate role playing. A woodshed. Chicken coop. Barn. Blacksmith shop, also known as a smithy. He’d be massa. She’d be a field girl:

“Oh, massa! What theyb sayin’ — hain’t be true!

“Go on, Miss Spatula.”

“Sho nuf, that pink one of yours — it’s justa big as all the otherns from the fellers in the field. Oh, massa, set me free so I can squeeze it with my tonsils!”

I think we all agree that this is the sort of thing that is not well suited to a mid-day quickie in a car. Nope. It’d have to be in a more private setting, where their stars and bars can really shine.

yankee October 28, 2009 at 2:57 pm

[re=445556]PrairiePossum[/re]: splendid!

But don’t we need one more line?

To be parallel with “and the muzzle flash of roland’s thomson gun.”

PlanetWingnuta October 28, 2009 at 3:03 pm

That this is Cocktober Thriller!
Coctober Thriller Night
‘Cause I can drill you more with sex toys than any ghost would ever try
Cocktober Thriller, Thriller Night
so let me hold you tight and share a
Killer, Dildo, chiller, viagra induced thriller here tonight.

the problem child October 28, 2009 at 3:05 pm

[re=445340]Guppy06[/re]: “attorneys general”. No apostrophe.

PrairiePossum October 28, 2009 at 3:24 pm

[re=445563]yankee[/re]:

How about “In Roland’s Carolina graveyard pleasure den”

PerhapsSo October 28, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Thank you, Cocktober! And in a cemetery! How appropriate for Halloween. Did this ADA also enjoy masturbating with a pumpkin?

Accordion-o-rama October 28, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Talk about your boneyard.

yankee October 28, 2009 at 4:15 pm

[re=445603]PrairiePossum[/re]: You are a genius. I tip my sad li’l confederate reenactment soldier cap in your direction as a pathetically shuffle off into the corner of the frame in this sad, sad, Ken Burns documentary.

Cue the weepy menstuals playing Ashoken Fiddle-dee-do.

The credits begin:

Cemetery Justice: Cocktober in Carolina

grainy BW photos with details of tombstones, cop cars, and SUVs.

Produced by Ken Burns
Narrated by Bill Moyers

PoignancySelz October 28, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=445645]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Bottom of the thread winner!

TeddyS October 28, 2009 at 4:53 pm

The “just in case” pack included a shovel, because the Platinum Plus girls sometimes freaked out and he could either bury them there or dig up a substitute.

yankee October 28, 2009 at 5:07 pm

[re=445723]PoignancySelz[/re]: dewd, this thread will never die. It will live on forever, and we shall bask in the warmth of its region humor for generations. It is to us in the North what king coal is to Appalachia.

lochnessmonster October 28, 2009 at 5:18 pm

We ENFORCE the laws…no one told me we had to FOLLOW them.

lawrenceofthedesert October 28, 2009 at 6:41 pm

[re=445269]norbizness[/re]: An example of a South Carolina sex toy would be an inflatable right hand.

Tundra Grifter October 28, 2009 at 6:56 pm

[re=445555]finallyhappy[/re]: Details…

PoignancySelz October 28, 2009 at 6:57 pm

[re=445759]yankee[/re]: Except on weekends, where all Wonk threads go to die.

Tundra Grifter October 28, 2009 at 6:59 pm

[re=445534]donner_froh[/re]: Drug test? True/false or multiple choice? Couple of years ago they had drug testing at work. I told ‘em the truth – that shit was bunk!

JSDC007 October 28, 2009 at 7:12 pm

Since this SC Republican is such a fine, upstanding, anti-abortion type, any pulsating fetus this 18-year old hooker may be carrying will never be aborted, but will grow up to be the bastard son of a douche and a tart.

Unlearned Hand October 29, 2009 at 5:53 am

I think people at The State must feel sometimes they’re competing with The Onion.

Also, can someone please send General Sherman’s zombie to whoop these morons’ asses one more time? Clearly, they didn’t learn to act right in 1865.

JDHART October 29, 2009 at 6:05 am

Republican, right? What, all the 18-year old boys were busy?

bakeneko October 29, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Always good to be prepared for a bit of the old “Corning-hole” in a cemetery.

Or perhaps graveside fucking will hereafter be known as “Corning”.

ignatov October 29, 2009 at 6:58 pm

Weird. I got laid in a car in a cemetery once, and, just like in Corning’s experience, the cops showed up. Do the police have cameras in there or what?

OzoneTom October 29, 2009 at 10:27 pm

[re=445480]yankee[/re]: I’m thinking that her stage name must be “Morelle DeKeigh”.

And I didn’t see any mention of condoms among his supplies. Is he another barebacker? At least that would be in keeping with an anti-contraception stance, so ya gotta give him credit for that. Might piss-off wifey though.

zhubajie October 30, 2009 at 9:45 am

[re=445340]Guppy06[/re]: Attorneys-general

NYNYNY October 31, 2009 at 3:24 am

[re=446819]OzoneTom[/re]: No condoms noted, and from the notorious The State (should I get a subscription?) :

“Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.”

He was there to paroakreate…or else it was gunna be a butt-job.

Almost Heaven, South Carolina

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