Meet Roland Corning! Roland Corning, a 65-year-old married man, likes two things: 1. being an assistant district attorney in South Carolina and 2. filling his Ford Explorer with sex medicine and sex toys and 18-year-old prostitutes (for sex) and taking all these things to the local cemetery on Monday afternoons (for sex). This is illegal, all of it, well all of the second part. Except when a South Carolina policeman stopped Corning outside of his ad hoc graveyard pleasure den, he did not charge him with any crime after Corning identified himself as the Roland Corning, assistant district attorney and celebrated tombside rake.

The State has all the details from the police report:

[The officer, Michael] Wines wrote in his report that two people were in the car – Corning and an unnamed 18-year-old female, an “employee of Platinum Plus Gentlemen’s Club.”

Earlier, Wines had witnessed the Ford Explorer that Corning was driving pull into a secluded portion of Elmwood Cemetery that Wines had “received past complaints in ref. to illegal activity, i.e. sex acts and drug abuse,” Wines wrote in the report.

Once the occupants of the Explorer saw Wines’ patrol car, the driver “attempted to make a hasty retreat, spinning the tires in the driveway and accelerating rapidly,” according to the report.

By the time Wines, who had gotten out of his patrol car, made it back into his vehicle, the Explorer was gone, the report said. Wines got on the radio and asked other officers in the area to look for the Explorer, and one of the officers stopped Corning on Wayne Street, a few blocks from the cemetery.

Wines then interviewed Corning and the woman, and said they gave “conflicting statements as to why they were at the location, and to their relationship.” Because of that, Wines wrote, he asked Corning some more questions, which is when Corning identified himself as an attorney and showed Wines his “state attorney general’s badge.”

“At that point I asked if there was anything illegal in the vehicle, which he stated no and gave consent to search,” Wines wrote.

The search revealed a sex enhancement drug and some sex toys. According to the report, Corning told Wines he had a prescription for the medication and the other items were always in the car “just in case.”

It would seem then, given every single word you just read, that an arrest would have made sense! Mmhmm, well, people are looking into it.

[The State]

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  1. Can we force South Carolina to secede now that we’ve sneakily and conveniently concentrated the worse of the political loserdom there?

    Just pull out their old secessionist docs, sign ’em, hand ’em back.

  2. I’d like to think that even a South Carolina assistant DA wouldn’t be so foolish as to admit that he was going to pay her for sex. It’s sleazy as hell, but what should he have been arrested for here besides stupidity?

    Also, if you ever give a cop permission to search your vehicle under any circumstances you should get a swift kick in the nads, and have to write a 1000 word essay about “what my civil liberties mean to me.”

    Since Mr. Corning is a South Carolina Republican I’m surprised it wasn’t an underage boy or at least an Argentine.

  3. this is right down the street from my work…hmm. was wondering what all those sirens were on Monday. This guy has to be a republican right…right?

    [re=445236]Car Ramrod[/re]: Platinum Plus ladies are a step above the Bottoms Up ladies I suppose.

  4. I never thought of that, take the “cardate” to the cemetary! So thats how its done? And the Amyl Nitrate, now rumor has it that this is used to dilate the anus, or does it just enhance orgasm? I am thinking of moving to South Carolina now.

  5. Who put this 18 year old prostitute in my car? Dammit! Those guys at the states attorneys office are such kidders! Fortunately, I am prepared for this eventuality. Much like a boy scout…but with large, gasoline powered vibrators and a jumbo sized bottle of Viagra…so better.

  6. New SC AAA roadside kit:
    Three Road Flares
    One Mylar Survival Blanket
    One First Aid Kit
    One Silicone Dildo
    One Vibrator
    One bottle of Astroglide Lube
    A Six pack of Condoms
    One set of anal beads

  7. “Just in case”

    Imagine going out on a date with a guy who keeps sex toys in his car (and a prescription for what I’ll bet is viagra or something similar) “just in case”. It’s no wonder he’s having to pay for it.

  8. [re=445247]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: Because you never know when you might be passing through some graveyard, just, you know, minding your own business, looking at the graves or whatever, when SUDDENLY: some chick, who I don’t know if she’s a hooker or what but she didn’t ask ME for any money, just totally jumps your bone. You gotta have your kit on hand, man, for emergencies like this one.

  9. Well, the AAA website recommends keeping the following on hand:
    -can of fix-a-flat
    -jumper cables
    -road flares
    -kitty litter
    -12 inch black rubber cock
    -an old blanket.

    Just in case.

  10. “Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.”

    Of course. If he’d been best known for anti-gay issues, the person in the car with him would have been a 14 year old boy.

  11. Great, a Halloween-themed Cocktober surprise!

    Is this the first time a “Don’t you know who I am”-style (though more polite than usual) response to a cop has actually worked?

  12. You don’t really want us to secede. Some states may give you a passing thrill, but only South Carolina can be counted on, year after year, for non-stop political humor.

  13. This is one of many reasons I’m not a cop — I would’ve arrested an assistant DA with glee, especially if he left me no other choice. And running away from police? C’mon — they sic the dogs on you for that on Cops.

  14. [re=445252]Barry White Zombie[/re]: Correct but in South Carolina, I’m betting naked twin 12 year olds wouldn’t get the state attorney general arrested

  15. [re=445259]Prommie[/re]: As far as I remember Amyl Nitrate is pretty much a buttseks enhancer, and not a general orgasm enhancer. A hustler friend of mine used to swear by it. So if he had that in the car in conjunction with sextoys the girl was probably cornholing him. He is a republican after all.

  16. That’s nothing. South Carolina is pretty squared away. Up here in Maine if we don’t pass Question One come next Tuesday the guvmint is going to require everyone to be gay! Including Olympia Snowe.

  17. [re=445287]finallyhappy[/re]:
    The updated article ends with

    Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.

    What a shock.

  18. [re=445284]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    Oh, but did you see in the article that this policeman’s wife worked with Corning. He called his wife to verify the guys identity, then she called her boss and got Corning fired. That’s as good or better than arresting Corning.

  19. Corning’s “Cemetery Sexcapades” scandal is a huge embarrassment for McMaster, who has staked out a high profile for himself (and his gubernatorial campaign) when it comes to cracking down on online prostitution – an effort that has met with little success, incidentally.

    From I loled.

  20. [re=445284]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s funny, because I also feel like my I’m an asshole cop instinct would surface, and I’d just be a complete douche all the time, arresting people for not curbing their dogs and shit. This is why I’m not a police officer.

  21. Hey, ease up on Roland, will ya? Who hasn’t picked up a lovely young lady from the local gentleman’s club and driven out to the cemetery with a bunch of sex toys & Viagra to get their groove on? Wonkettes are such prudes!

  22. [re=445308]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    Oh, and the AG’s office tried to suppress the story after firing Corning, probably because the AG’s office has had a visible and unsuccessful effort to crack down on prostitution.

    I predict that some people will get quitting to spend more time with their families.

  23. [re=445308]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
    And then you wonder why many bitch about Black People getting off of crimes.

    It appears that it’s okay to be soft on crime if the criminal in question is a white well connected Christer.

  24. [re=445302]magic titty[/re]:yeah, I’d like to shoot people who were hurting their kids or pets or spouses so police work wouldn’t work for me.

  25. [re=445323]Aloysius[/re]: Do you get cash-back bonus points or frequent-flier miles with that card?

    God, SC is the state that keeps in giving, though this would’ve might have been just as good up north, perhaps in Roland Burris’ Death Shrine.

  26. Corrections and additions:
    1. Roland’s title at time of the stop was Assistant State Attorney General, not no piddling “assistant district attorney”.
    2. Republican.
    3. The S.C. Attorney General, on hearing from the cop’s wife — who also works in the AG’s Office — of Rolly escapade, pushed the Rollster under the proverbial bus.

    “[As a Republican state rep.] Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.”

  27. [re=445269]norbizness[/re]: Excellent question. Up until now, I considered “South Carolina sex toy” a euphemism for Lindsey Graham’s staffers.

  28. The ADA should have distracted that police officer by asking him if he knew how many dead people there are in that cemetery? (The answer: All of them.) It would have cracked him up so much he would have forgotten why he was after him in the first place.

  29. We may be witnessing the death of newspapers, but The State has proven yet again, that there will always be room for a Sexytime With Public Officials blotter in one format or another.

  30. South Carolina: always first in the race to be last!

    Ok, she was a woman. She was 18. I am so very proud of my home state and soon-to-be gypsy tent camp.

  31. Smart move on the cop’s part. You need to make an arrest only if a) the suspect is dangerous or likely to commit more crimes in the near future (unlikely in this case; I doubt he can get it up now WITH Viagra) or b) the suspect might flee. An ADA fits neither of those. He can still be indicted by a grand jury based on the incident report; you don’t need an arrest until that happens.

    This would involve corruption only if the cops let him go without filing a report, which they din’t.

  32. [re=445340]Guppy06[/re]: When you hear “attorneys general” it’s the plural. Possessive (correct me if I’m wrong, fellow grammar crypto-fascists) form would be “attorney general’s”.

    But law uses fancier language than that, so that possessive rarely gets used. Instead of “attorney general’s office” it’s “Office of the Attorney General” and so on.

  33. So, you’re 65, got a car full of sex toys just in case, sex drugs, a willing (if only for money) 18-year-old and you think “Where should I go to enjoy my carnal riches??? I could pay $70 and have the privacy of a hotel room. Screw that, CEMETARY here I come!!

    I not understand. It must be a South Carolina thing.

  34. [re=445347]Darkness[/re]: Oddly, though, my honey and I concluded that the plural of “drinky-poo” would be “drinky-poos” and not, as I’d originally thought, “drinkies-poo.”

    That is all.

  35. Singular: Attorney General. Plural: Attorneys General. If you want the possessive, it would be (for example) “a spokesman for the Attorney General’s office said…” I can’t think of a possessive use for “Attorneys’ General,” but if there is one, the apostrophe comes after the “s.”


  37. Some people are exhibitonists, and get a certain thrill from fucking outdoors, others are married and too cheap to spring for a $25 motel room; this guy Roland prolly falls into category ‘B.’ But I’ll give him credit for choosing the cemetery, in some unintended keeping with the Halloween season.

  38. The Elmwood Cemetary appears to be a too open and sparse. Not what I’d consider a likely place for a little afternoon delight. However, for beautiful park-like settings, I’ve always preferred the Spring Grove Cemetary in Cincinnati or Graceland Cemetary in Chicago.

    Graceland has the advantage of being billed as “an oasis of art, architecture and horticulture since 1860.” So I’d think it would be a much more likely place to lead a Platimum Club whore to culture than somewhere like Elmwood.

  39. [re=445353]Zadig[/re]: And don’t forget the plural possessive: “Atttorneys Generals’.”

    I’ll use it correctly in a sentence: “Many lunches and cokes found themselves on keyboards and monitors today, accompanied by the sounds of loud guffaws as the news from South Carolina made its way to attorneys generals’ offices around the nation.”

  40. This reminds me of when Richard III hit on Lady Anne at the funeral of her husband, whom Richard had killed. I mean, just the sex and cemetery part.

  41. This really is a great story, init?

    1. Was the assistant AG fucking the girl in the cemetery? There’s no real evidence that suggests this is true. The circumstances aren’t especially flattering, but there are a lot of things that aren’t flattering that are altogether legal. My face, for example.

    2. Why does everyone insist she’s a prostitute? So she works at a strip club. Maybe she’s the CFO or an accountant. She’d spend her days uncreasing all those bills that people have folded lengthwise. And after work, maybe she visits the graves of South Carolooligans who paid the ultimate price during the War for Northican Aggression. She’s writing a paper on the subject at her sorority.

    3. Assistant AG may have been there for a worker’s comp related matter. She may have filed a claim, and as a pubic servant, he was verifying that it was all on the up and up. She’d filed a claim that her lower colon, for example, had been damaged in a work-related activity. The commish was there — on the scene, with his field testing rig, “just in case,” as he said to the officer — to ensure that this was a legitimate claim, not one of them phony things like they do up in New York.

    4. Finally, I’d like to mention the splendid coverage this story has received in the press. Yes, there will always be a place for scandal. But, day-yam, this is really awful. It’s so bad I don’t care what it might mean:

    “It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve heard of City of Columbia police officers letting powerful politicos off the hook for alleged violations of the law, however, with the name of longtime McMaster antagonist Jean Toal coming to mind.”

  42. Thanks for the heads-up, I never thought of the sex/drugs in the cemetery thing. Does anyone know what an acceptable tip for the grounds keeper might be?

    Hey, at least the girl was like, alive. The alternative is so ewwwwwwwwwww.

    Any chance she was a goth chick? a-bada-bump

  43. [re=445405]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’m pretty sure it’s Attorneys General’s. As in Attorneys General’s cars are frequently seen parked for the afternoon around cemeteries and all-boys’ schools.

  44. [re=445445]Paul Tardy[/re]: Well, yes, she’s alive. But she doesn’t even have a name. Goth chick? I doubt it. Have you ever seen a goth stripper (or CFO, see my earlier post)? Goths don’t move. Strippers do. Goths wear lots of baggy clothes. Strippers don’t.

    I agree that her surviving this visit with the executive branch of gummint a good thing. To be murdered would be awful. At age 18, when you’re working as a stripper, as part of a sex crime would be far worse. The indignity would be made worse by it occurring in a graveyard.

    Good news is, She lived!

    What do you think he stage name is?

  45. [re=445452]yankee[/re]: That would be a member of the Judicial Branch, sirrah! Thats why the USAs are not supposed to be taking their orders from Karl Rove.

  46. “And now…
    from Moot Pointe, Loo-EEE-see-an-a….

    Platinum Plus… in conjunction with Jessica Mittford Productions

    is pleased to present the lovely…

    Tammy Lasorda!

  47. This guy is 65 years old and an assistant district attorney and he gives the cop consent to search his vehicle??? Even the attorneys in SC are dumbasses. Take my advice, when a cop asks for consent to search your vehicle, always say NO, no matter how innocent you think you are.

  48. [re=445262]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Reads like the emergency pack detailed by Slim Pickins in “Dr. Strangelove.” “Feller could have a pretty good time in Vegas with this kit.”

  49. [re=445470]Prommie[/re]: Prommie, you are both wrong and blonde.

    Let’s go back to sixth grade. Three branches of gummint, at both the fed and state levels: Legislative, which makes laws. Executive, which enforces laws. And Judicial, which interprets laws.

    Assistant Attorney General is part of the executive branch. Just like the guvnah, AG, department of education prevention, dog catcher, etc. So is the cop. Again, in charge of carrying out the laws.

    The whole thing about Rove and US Attorneys was a matter of separation of powers, but rather crass partisanship and a violation of an explicit prohibition on the consideration of political matters in US Attorney appointments.

    You have been schooled.

  50. Roland, Roland, Roland
    Keep Cocktober rollin’
    Roland, Roland, Roland
    Platinum Plus!

    …and isn’t that the Roland Burris Mausoleum? Do all jokes involving guys named Roland now have to be set in cemeteries?

  51. [re=445256]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Just in case, also, too. Fixed.

    [re=445339]forgracie[/re]: Cocktober WAS slow in coming, as you say. Perhaps we could “extenze” this year into Nobvember.

  52. Or maybe this: She’s a transvestite stripper.

    “Yes, gennelmens, it’s time for the best of both worlds.

    Please join me in giving a warm welcome to an extended member of the Platinum Plus family.

    The lovely and versatile Prommie DeComposia!”

    Jesus, writing this makes me feel like I need to take a bath.

  53. [re=445252]Barry White Zombie[/re]: Right on. Never give consent to search anything. Make’em get a warrant. You don’t need to give them a reason why you’re denying consent. “I’m just not comfortable with it” is fine.
    And what would they arrest him for? An illegal u-turn in a cemetery?

  54. [re=445504]gurukalehuru[/re]: Can someone please work up a rewrite of Warren Zevon’s “roland, the headless thomson gunner?”

    Roland, the heartless hooker-fucker?

    Roland was a lawyer
    from the land of the mid-day fun
    with a love for nameless hookers
    with homework to be done

    A deal was made in a strip joint
    that dark Cocktober day
    and he set out for the graveyard
    to supplement her pay

    Roland, the heartless hooker-fucker
    (talkin’ about the the man)etc

    Can someone please pick it up from here? Li’l help, please?

  55. [re=445302]magic titty[/re]: I’m not a police officer because I would rather take drugs and get high. They make you take a drug test before they give you a gun and since I already have a couple I don’t need no stinkin’ badge(s).

  56. Alright, so it’s and 18-year old FEMALE ‘exotic dancer’. I’m still shocked at the female part, but … please please please please please please… let her be BLACK.

  57. [re=445340]Guppy06[/re]: Attorney General’s is a possessive, as in “It was the Attorney General’s sex toy.” Attorneys General is the plural, as in “Attorneys General do this kind of shit all the damned time.” Hope that helps.

  58. [re=445525]yankee[/re]:

    Roland the heartless hooker-fucker
    when the cop saw him, he gave chase.
    Roland had sex toys and penis pills
    but only just in case

  59. [re=445535]ProfessorJukes[/re]: Would a 65 year old prosecutor in SC really chase after a negress?

    I doubt it. Seems to me they’d have to be in an environment that’s more suitable to historically accurate role playing. A woodshed. Chicken coop. Barn. Blacksmith shop, also known as a smithy. He’d be massa. She’d be a field girl:

    “Oh, massa! What theyb sayin’ — hain’t be true!

    “Go on, Miss Spatula.”

    “Sho nuf, that pink one of yours — it’s justa big as all the otherns from the fellers in the field. Oh, massa, set me free so I can squeeze it with my tonsils!”

    I think we all agree that this is the sort of thing that is not well suited to a mid-day quickie in a car. Nope. It’d have to be in a more private setting, where their stars and bars can really shine.

  60. [re=445556]PrairiePossum[/re]: splendid!

    But don’t we need one more line?

    To be parallel with “and the muzzle flash of roland’s thomson gun.”

  61. That this is Cocktober Thriller!
    Coctober Thriller Night
    ‘Cause I can drill you more with sex toys than any ghost would ever try
    Cocktober Thriller, Thriller Night
    so let me hold you tight and share a
    Killer, Dildo, chiller, viagra induced thriller here tonight.

  62. [re=445603]PrairiePossum[/re]: You are a genius. I tip my sad li’l confederate reenactment soldier cap in your direction as a pathetically shuffle off into the corner of the frame in this sad, sad, Ken Burns documentary.

    Cue the weepy menstuals playing Ashoken Fiddle-dee-do.

    The credits begin:

    Cemetery Justice: Cocktober in Carolina

    grainy BW photos with details of tombstones, cop cars, and SUVs.

    Produced by Ken Burns
    Narrated by Bill Moyers

  63. The “just in case” pack included a shovel, because the Platinum Plus girls sometimes freaked out and he could either bury them there or dig up a substitute.

  64. [re=445723]PoignancySelz[/re]: dewd, this thread will never die. It will live on forever, and we shall bask in the warmth of its region humor for generations. It is to us in the North what king coal is to Appalachia.

  65. [re=445534]donner_froh[/re]: Drug test? True/false or multiple choice? Couple of years ago they had drug testing at work. I told ’em the truth – that shit was bunk!

  66. Since this SC Republican is such a fine, upstanding, anti-abortion type, any pulsating fetus this 18-year old hooker may be carrying will never be aborted, but will grow up to be the bastard son of a douche and a tart.

  67. I think people at The State must feel sometimes they’re competing with The Onion.

    Also, can someone please send General Sherman’s zombie to whoop these morons’ asses one more time? Clearly, they didn’t learn to act right in 1865.

  68. Always good to be prepared for a bit of the old “Corning-hole” in a cemetery.

    Or perhaps graveside fucking will hereafter be known as “Corning”.

  69. Weird. I got laid in a car in a cemetery once, and, just like in Corning’s experience, the cops showed up. Do the police have cameras in there or what?

  70. [re=445480]yankee[/re]: I’m thinking that her stage name must be “Morelle DeKeigh”.

    And I didn’t see any mention of condoms among his supplies. Is he another barebacker? At least that would be in keeping with an anti-contraception stance, so ya gotta give him credit for that. Might piss-off wifey though.

  71. [re=446819]OzoneTom[/re]: No condoms noted, and from the notorious The State (should I get a subscription?) :

    “Corning is perhaps best known in the House for his work on anti-abortion initiatives.”

    He was there to paroakreate…or else it was gunna be a butt-job.

    Almost Heaven, South Carolina

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