Wonkette
Gee whiz, not even plague-ridden rodents phase BARACK OBAMA! It’s true: Once upon a time young Barry Obama was talking on the telephone — as Chicago lawyers often do — when quite out of nowhere a grimy rat scurried across the floor and climbed up his leg. TONY REZKO had threatened to unleash the rats if the rent was ever late, but Barry thought he was just joshing and so did Barry’s law partner BILL AYERS, who feared all species of vermin and instinctively jumped out the window. But Obama? Obama was cool as a cucumber, and offered the rat a smoke …
TICK TOCK GOSSIP O’CLOCK: JOHN BOEHNER was relieved to learn that ORANGE PEOPLE far outnumber not-orange people, which means he will probably survive the impending race war. Strength in numbers … CHUCK GRASSLEY invites you to visit his website so that you can learn more about dangerous FDA-approved drugs and the numerous benefits of ingesting them rectally … Poor MARK SANFORD spends most of the day picking his nose and wiping boogers all over the governor’s mansion draperies, because what else can a broken heart do? …
RONALD REAGAN was not your “typical man” — men like him do not grow on trees like so much fruit. No, ma’am! When he was just an infant, Ronald’s mother THETIS took him by the buttocks, and dipped him in the river Styx. And that is why Ronald Reagan was — and still is! — an American demigod, whose only known weakness was his anus. But that vulnerable anus would come back to haunt him again and again and again. And again. The End.
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com
As a general rule, any book “with a forward by George Will” is best kept in the bathroom, for those times when you find you have forgotten to buy TP.
If not being grown on a tree is like being Reagan, then I am more Reagan than Reagan.
And the hagiography of Bonzo-Fucker Raygun continues. With emphasis on the “hag.”
Faze. The word is faze.
Um, Riley darling, love you though I do (with flavored KY and all), but the word you’re looking for is “faze,” not “phase.”
xoxo
QAE v 2.0
Yes, men like Reagan certainly do not grow on trees, Mr. Shirley; unlike all of us other, lesser men, as we are all angiosperms and reproduce via pollination.
Also, isn’t three biographies of the same guy a little excessive? I think somebody’s got a crush here.
This person has protected their tweets.
queeraselvis v 2.0: No, Riley’s saying that even rats won’t change Obama’s state, like spontaneously changing from a solid/liquid hybrid to a gas.
JMP: No, he left off the “r”.
…not even plague-ridden rodents phaser BARACK OBAMA!
Some nuts grow on trees. A few grow underground. Reagan was one of the latter. At least after the Alzheimer’s set in. At which point he became a Republican and a stoolie for Joe McCarthy.
Governing South Carolina appears to be a thankless and largely pointless task. Is it just me or has being a Republican Governor become something of an oxymoron since they all went Gault on us right after the 2008 election. Let’s hope Governor Sanford begins to develop his literary styling along the lines of Governor Ahnuld of California instead of moping around the mansion or hanging out in the local boneyards.
I wonder what that senile old coot thinks of all this posthumous dick sucking as he mumbles nancy nancy nancy over and over again in hell.
Or make him melt.
JMP: Gotcha. So messy!
I’ve read that the way you get over a broken heart is by hooking up with someone hotter than the person who dumped you. Mark’s got to find someone hotter than his Argentinia sexpot. I don’t know. Meghan might have to take off the duct tape from her mouth. Or wrap it all the way around her head.
Men like Reagan grow in the same place as grow polyps. Once removed, both can be counted on reappearing for no apparent reason.
shadowMark: Is that an elephant in your hand or are you just happy to see me?
No H8
No H8
No H8
Picking his nose and wiping boogers on the drapes, oh that’s rich! LMAO etc.
Despite what the graceful John Oxendine would have us believe, Oxen are highly compatible with Rats.
BeWoot: queeraselvis v 2.0: And yet you nazis let Tommmcatt get away with “forward” when the correct word is “foreword.”
Stop picking on Riley!
What is it with the Rs and Reagan?
Isn’t necrophilia a crime?
JMP: Mr. Shirley has thought about Reagan & masturbated in his kitchen, living room, master bedroom, master bathroom and garage. He’s almost covered every room in the house. He’s saving the children’s room for the 10th anniversary of RR’s death (no actual idea when RR expired.)
the cigarette story is true. i was that rat. barry was so cool. there i was, humping his leg in a fit of liberalum-induced passion. he was packing a phaser in his shoulder holster and talking on the phone. i wondered why he wasn’t using his communicator. his free hand went for something and i thought he was going to whip out that phaser and blast me with it. even though i was sure it would be set on stun and not on kill, i stopped humping his leg and looked him in the eye. we connected. he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offered me one, and even lit it for me. behind him, i saw ayers becoming airborne, leaping out the window and muttering “you dirty rat.” barry and i finished our smokes, he smiled and told me to hope things would change, and i scurried away to find a new and brighter hole to make my home. further affiant sayeth naught.
Lascauxcaveman: I’m so ashamed. Sieg heil, also.
Tommmcatt: *spanks your ass* (without you even asking!)
Don’t faze me, Bro!
Lascauxcaveman: Someone must go through “The Lie” by so-called “Fredrica WAGMAN” and see if ‘phase’ and ‘forward’ appear because Wagman sounds like a subtle
pseudonymfake name a certain aspiring writer might use. And I’ve often been tempted to try a gender-swap myself for the sex pulps…Republicans keep waxing nostalgic about a guy who has been out of office for close to 22 years - and out of his mind for 30 - and wonder why anyone under 35 can’t relate to their pitch.
Jeezus, they are as stupid as the Democrats say they are.
FAZEGATE 2009.
I, for one, am nonplused.
From the State news article linked to the tweet:
“Mark is a guy that loves ideas, he loves concepts, he’s very philosophical,”
Idea: Hump a chica.
Concept: Argentina.
Philosophy: Lie, then vanish for week.
The dude is, like, so deep.
Men like Reagan grow not on trees but in pods. Purple-veined, subterranean, ominously pulsing pods.
AbstinenceOnly Ed: Does that mean you’re going negative?
Was the rat named Joe Lieberman?
JMP: Barry is made of plasma and ice-7.
queeraselvis v 2.0:
Dude, I’M the top.
Cut Waggman some slack; judging from the chapeau in the photo, it was just a fez Riley’s going through.
Ummm…can you all get off of Riley’s dick, already, about the errors? Jeeze.
Ronald Reagan … yawn.