DREAMBOATS  11:31 am October 27, 2009

by Juli Weiner

LEVI JOHNSON IS HAVING MORE FUN THAN EVERYONE YOU KNOW COMBINED: “‘He’s pumped! He’s ready to shock the world. The hell with fifteen minutes,’ [Levi's publicist Tank] Jones told Us over the phone. ‘As a matter of fact, when I picked him up, he came out the house naked. I said ‘not now!’ Johnston himself took the phone for a moment to chime in, telling Us: ‘I just get naked. That’s what I do.’” That’s what “sex” means, right? Being naked? If not, Levi Johnson has some questions. [Daily Intel]

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ManchuCandidate October 27, 2009 at 11:35 am

We know who is going to star in Nail’n Palin 3.

memzilla October 27, 2009 at 11:35 am

“Famous For Being Naked.” Nice epitaph for the tombstone for eternity, Levi. I mean other than being named for half of a pair of pants.

And “naked” may not be the best way to jump the shark, either.

Potater October 27, 2009 at 11:35 am

If Levi had shocked Bristol instead of plugged her, he wouldn’t have been in that shotgun marriage.

FlownOver October 27, 2009 at 11:37 am

Certainly more fun than those of us who get to keep reading/hearing about the whole inbred lot from Wasilla Holler.

norbizness October 27, 2009 at 11:43 am

Isn’t the word “Intel” trying to get a restraining order against that magazine and its preferred subject matter? And I’m ashamed of myself for even being on this thread, so you can only imagine what I think of people who were happy to see such a post.

JohnnyMeatworth October 27, 2009 at 11:43 am

Wow, it’s Horatio Alger for the 21st century….

Terry October 27, 2009 at 11:43 am


Yeah, that shotgun marriage…about that….another thing Palin didn’t follow through on.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 27, 2009 at 11:44 am

No Juli, it’s not “Tank Jones, Levi’s Publicist.” It’s “Tank Jones, Levi’s Handler.” And we all know what that means.

El Pinche October 27, 2009 at 11:45 am

Sarah Palin will now forever live under the shadow of Levi’s cack.

steve October 27, 2009 at 11:45 am

I wonder if Sarah ever had the talk with Bristol about raising her standards? “Look at me! I waited for a professional snowmobiler! What were thinking hanging around with an amateur hockey player? You could have at least gotten a student government vice president!”

user-of-owls October 27, 2009 at 11:47 am

Levi Johnson: Tonya Harding with a penis.

freakishlystrong October 27, 2009 at 11:49 am

*Sigh*..thank you yet again WALNUTS, for helping to raise the national discourse, and foisting these hillbillies upon us…

WadISay October 27, 2009 at 11:50 am

I wonder if Levi still has the “Bristol” tattoo on his ring finger, or if he had it removed (by amputating the finger).

Capricatony October 27, 2009 at 11:52 am

Yeah yeah 15 minutes jump the shark whatever. Just so as nobody tells him playgirl is for gays. NOBODY SAY A WORD. He can go be obscure after the shoot.

lawrenceofthedesert October 27, 2009 at 11:55 am

The heck with 15 minutes, indeed — that’s way beyond Levi’s attention span. Try for three.

germansteel October 27, 2009 at 11:59 am

Let me know when Bristol announces she’s going nekked.

Norbert October 27, 2009 at 11:59 am

Hey, he’s got a bit of the Fred Thompson ‘stache. Maybe they should do a “twins” pictorial spread.

Nigerian Business Executive October 27, 2009 at 11:59 am

No, Levi. There is a lot more to sex than just taking your clothes off. Here, let me show you …

Snarkalicious October 27, 2009 at 12:00 pm

This renob has a better line on a future career than Sarah Palin. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Bruno October 27, 2009 at 12:03 pm

That is such a lie. Any self respecting PR guy would have taken a bunch of photos of him walking out of the house nak’id and had them accidently fall into the hands of the paparazzi. Then they would have obscured his willie like so much disappointing japanese porn

AnSnarkist October 27, 2009 at 12:04 pm

Levi Johnston was the one that wrote that “how is babby formed” question on Yahoo Answers, wasn’t he? If only Sarah Palin had given him a better answer…

bureaucrap October 27, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Not that I really give that much of a s**t, but Juli, are you misspelling Levi’s last name wrong, for humor (“Johnson”, get it? Because he’s showing his)? If he were reading this, he’d be insulted. Fortunately for everyone, he’s illiterate.

Scruffy_The_Janitor October 27, 2009 at 12:08 pm

What if in a Bizzaro world Sarah Palin is president….
What would Levi be doing right now????

SayItWithWookies October 27, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Great — now Michael Steele will have to appear naked to preserve his cred. This is going to get ugly before it’s over, I can tell.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello October 27, 2009 at 12:12 pm

That sound you hear is the collective fopping of self-loathing Christian Conservatives.

ForTheTurnstiles October 27, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=444326]Scruffy_The_Janitor[/re]: Why, Levi would be doing the president, that’s what.

marioninnyc October 27, 2009 at 12:12 pm

This spin off is even funnier than the original!

hockeymom October 27, 2009 at 12:14 pm

Apologies to those who hate the Twitter machine, but for those who Twit, you MUST sign up for Levi’s Twits.
They are a hilarious/horrifying combination of “Hey, what movie should I see this weekend?”, “Hey, to all my brothers out there, KFC is giving away free chicken” and stuff like “Palin Sucks”, “We need a public option”.
All of which reminds you that Levi is
a. Dumb
b. Still a teenager
c. Clueless
d. Not really into the whole republican thing.

PickneyPinchback October 27, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Wait, doesn’t someone have to ask permission from Olympia Snowe before Levi can do this? I thought she had to approve everything. Ad I hear she’s not in favor of the pubic option.

Naked Bunny with a Whip October 27, 2009 at 12:21 pm

You would think that growing up in Alaska would prevent the whole “wandering out of the house nude” sort of habit.

Naked Bunny with a Whip October 27, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Not really into the whole republican thing.

Yeah, I don’t think political party affiliation is high on a teenage boy’s list of “what matters to me about potential sex partners”.

Naked Bunny with a Whip October 27, 2009 at 12:27 pm

I think the “Naked Bunny with a Whip” needs to “lay off” the quotation marks.

stew October 27, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Who’s gonna be the fluffer?

Gumboz1953 October 27, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=444326]Scruffy_The_Janitor[/re]: Playing golf, no doubt. It seems to be the thing to do. Not good with the putter, at least according to Bristol.

Country Club Jihadi October 27, 2009 at 12:34 pm

To honor Alaska, I hope he wears a whalebone-antler cock ring on his totem pole.

Mad Brahms October 27, 2009 at 12:37 pm

[re=444274]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Oh please oh please oh please let this happen. Not because it sounds particularly sexy, but because the fury from Stapleton would be absolutely priceless.

[re=444303]Capricatony[/re]: I think he’s pretty aware of it. He’s ok with the gays as far as the press indicates, so hey, good for him. He’s an equal opportunity publicity whore! And possibly actual whore, also.

[re=444328]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Nailin’ Palin 3: Buns of Steele”? We’ve got a headstart on the script idea. Let’s get to work.

gurukalehuru October 27, 2009 at 12:37 pm

Levi Johnston is like Billy Carter, only better. Before this is through, he will be more famous than anyone in Clan Palin, and America will be better off for it.

coolcatdaddy October 27, 2009 at 12:39 pm

[re=444344]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: People wander out of the house naked in Alaska all the time. The nearest neighbor is in the Soviet Union.

freakishlystrong October 27, 2009 at 12:39 pm

[re=444349]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: “Indeed”.

AxmxZ October 27, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Well at least he seems to have no illusions about his place in society.

proudgrampa October 27, 2009 at 12:46 pm

The legend lives on
From Wasilla on down
Of the big dick they call
Levi’s Johnson…

Canuck13652 October 27, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Do they all have funny names in Alaska? I mean, I’ve never been, but it seems like there is a preponderance of goofy names up in Snowbillyland. Now we have Tank. Tank? Tank Trig Track . . .

zaccapeters October 27, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Great tease for the upcoming release of the new video series “Boyz Gone Wilde.”

comicbookguy October 27, 2009 at 12:51 pm

[re=444362]Mad Brahms[/re]: I have a first draft already!

Palin: Ooh, being Governor sure was hard, you betcha. Now let’s clean out my old office. Levi, help me take my pictures down from the wall, I’ll reach for this one up in here.

(knock knock) Pizza guy!

(30 minutes of sex)

Levi: I get naked. It’s what I do.

PrairiePossum October 27, 2009 at 12:53 pm

‘I just get naked. That’s what I do.’

Well, I guess that’s a step up from selling meth in Wasilla. God bless the American dream.

Mr Blifil October 27, 2009 at 12:54 pm

I just got naked in order that I might piss all over the picture of Levi’s face on my monitor. I probably should have unplugged my shit, because it turns out urine has excellent conductivity properties.

Tommmcatt October 27, 2009 at 12:56 pm

I got two words for you Levi: Gay Porn.

Oh please ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease…..

proudgrampa October 27, 2009 at 12:57 pm

[re=444405]Mr Blifil[/re]: Haven’t you ever heard what happens when you piss on an electric fence??

RoscoePColtraine October 27, 2009 at 1:05 pm

All you haters need to just shut the fuck up already. That we have Levi Johnston taking his clothes off is the sole reason we need to thank John McCain. And I’m quite sincere about this. I’m still hoping for a national gay-bar tour where he’ll autograph our butt cheeks.

naveed October 27, 2009 at 1:27 pm

I heard he’s dating Kathy Griffin.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 27, 2009 at 1:36 pm

[re=444431]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I’m still hoping for a national gay-bar tour where he’ll autograph our butt cheeks WITH HIS DICK.


Extemporanus October 27, 2009 at 1:39 pm

According to Mr. Tank, there’s a 90% chance of Levi peni. And if there isn’t a shot of him on a bearskin rug like the image I desecrated awhile back, I will eat my Photoshop.

[re=444297]user-of-owls[/re]: Would that make Nancy Kerrigan cock-knee?

“Whhhyyy? WHHHHYYYYY?!!”

Lionel Hutz Esq. October 27, 2009 at 1:54 pm

Only in America can knocking up the daughter of an unknown Governor who can’t even finish one term in office give you your chance to become a media-whore.

It brings a tear of joy to ones eye.

chascates October 27, 2009 at 1:56 pm

[re=444448]naveed[/re]: She jokingly told Conan she was pregnant with his love child.

PsycGirl October 27, 2009 at 2:00 pm

[re=444349]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: “Naked Bunny with a Whip” is using the quotation marks “correctly” which not everyone can do, I “assure you”.

taylormattd October 27, 2009 at 2:08 pm

nom nom nom

whatever_dc October 27, 2009 at 2:14 pm

[re=444294]El Pinche[/re]: ok thank you while i’m eating lunch which i’m somehow NO LONGER HUNGRY FOR NOW!!!

chascates October 27, 2009 at 2:39 pm

According to Weather.com the highs for Wasilla are in the 32-33 range and lows in the mid-20s. Guess that moose meat acts as good insulation.

PlanetWingnuta October 27, 2009 at 2:55 pm

[re=444293]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Fluffer?

PlanetWingnuta October 27, 2009 at 3:02 pm

can we hope for a Levi, Todd and Joe the plumber expose naked together? wrestling, oiling each other up?? what! dont look at me that way.

thejesusandmarycheney October 27, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=444623]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: How about Levi, Todd, and the one McCain son who didn’t inherit his chipmunk cheeks. Jet or Jord or whoever.

RoscoePColtraine October 27, 2009 at 3:24 pm

[re=444667]thejesusandmarycheney[/re]: I’d get on the horn with the credit card company and ask them to raise my limit to pay for that. Walnuts was a looker, too, when he was a young’un.

assistant/atlas October 27, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=444344]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Yeah, it’s cold in the winter and stuff, but in the summer, it’s like 70 and sunny for months on end. And it’s Alaska, so it’s empty and desolate, and there’s no one around ever. I would guess that it’s one of the most nude-friendly states in the union…

proudgrampa October 27, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=444686]assistant/atlas[/re]: But the mosquitoes are the size of B52s. You would not want your skin exposed to such bombardment…

PoignancySelz October 27, 2009 at 3:37 pm

[re=444431]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: While I appreciate your prurient interest in our anti-hero, the whole thing makes me feel like a North Vietnamese kid. McCain dropped bombs, nay terrorized, innocent civilians, and he dropped this bomb of snowbilly moose shit on all of us.

I would, however, preview the prOn of Biblical proportions Levi Doeth Sarah

PlanetWingnuta October 27, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=444667]thejesusandmarycheney[/re]: maybe we can toss in Veep Biden’s son who went to Iraq in there for some bipartisianship.

cybervoyeur October 27, 2009 at 3:55 pm

I’ll be the fluffer.

NopantsMcGee October 27, 2009 at 3:57 pm

Oh, Levi. You’re super-studly-sexytime bod makes me all smushy.

And Wonkette, try as you might…I defy you to find one NON_SEXY photo of Levi. Even the one with, what looks like a sweater-vest is so very very sexy penis-time.

I so want to get a copy of this Playgirl, but do they even sell magazines made out of paper anymore?

whatever_dc October 27, 2009 at 4:15 pm

[re=444731]NopantsMcGee[/re]: playgirl is online only. you’ll have to pony up a prescription and not just try to cop a peek at your local 7-11

bopumofu October 27, 2009 at 5:32 pm

I wonder if he knows who reads Playgirl

LowerdPeninsula October 28, 2009 at 2:08 am

Anyone here hear Levi threaten Palin on national television, yesterday, saying that if she said anything else about him, he’d reveal things about her that’d be criminal? God, I hate this kid.

Teeny October 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

I dunno, I am starting to wonder if Levi and Tank are gonna do a whole “gotcha!” with the playboy thing. Maybe the big reveal they are talking about isn’t his johnston.

NopantsMcGee October 28, 2009 at 3:35 pm

[re=444761]whatever_dc[/re]: Goddamn death of print media, anway.

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