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Have we even posted about the comical NY-23 special congressional election yet? Don’t think so! Fortunately lazy Hollywood dandy Fred “Dipshit McGoo” Thompson, who pretended to run for president once, for about two months, before losing miserably everywhere, has provided us with the perfect on-ramp here.

He, along with Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, most Republican bloggers, Glenn Beck, and the rest of “those people,” has endorsed the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman, over the Republican candidate, Dede Scozzafava. Their problem with Dede Scozzafava is, hmm, maybe that she’s a FUCKING COMMUNIST MAOIST LIBERAL SACK OF FUCK? (We’re not sure; it has something to do with her hesitance to blanket-demonize the concept of a “labor union.”)

Doug Hoffman is a Real Conservative, however: he will never spend a dollar of money, kill babies, say “hi” to a black person, allow laborers to organize, suggest Rush Limbaugh modify his tone, or not declare random wars. Fred Thompson believes in Doug Hoffman, and we believe in Fred Thompson! Doug Hoffman is a “neighbor” for heaven’s sake. This means that he lives near other humans, in NY-23! Doug Hoffman is so cool. How cool? Let’s just say he’s “post-Eric Cantor.” That cool.

Anyway, check out Fred Thompson’s pederstache, through the gritty cellphone camera footage, it’s a real home run…

Fred Thompson Stars In New Ad For Conservative Party’s Hoffman [TPM]

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51 COMMENTS

  1. Have the cockstains at Dick Wolf Productions ever explained how a mealymouthed sack of crap from way beneath the Mason-Dixon line got elected DA of whatever mythic borough the Law and Orderites occupy?

  2. Arlen Specter, NY-23;, the NJ gov race; I’m liking this conservative strategy of destroying the chances of moderate Republicans in favor of true wignut believers who will inevitably lose in moderate districts or states.

  3. [re=444216]Cape Clod[/re]: What, you didn’t read Billy Kristol today or Chris Cilleza yesterday? Sarah Palin is the drawing card for the GOP and the Conservatives. Going full out teabagger,birther and racist is the new GOP MO.

  4. Doug Hoffman looks like the nerdiest nerd ever to hail from Nerdland. Combine that with Fred Thompson (there will never be a president named Fred, sorry dad,) he of the most frighteningly monstrous profile in all of television, and you’re got yourself a perfect conservative storm of hideous hilarity, dressed for Halloween every day of the year.

  5. I continue to send my sympathies to the very MILFY Mrs. Thompson for having to endure fucking her grandfather, especially since it wont lead to any first lady gig in this lifetime. Since the republican party is hell bent on going right of right, time to buy stock in Buchanan 2012.

  6. Ah, the tragedy of inadvisable facial hair. You look bad when you have it, and after you shave it off, you look worse than before you had it. So typical of Ol’ Fred’s recent career.

    While I’m here, I’d like to share with other members of the Ol’ Fred Fan Club some facts I’ve only recently learned:

    1. His actual birth-certificate first name is Freddie.

    2. The 25-years-younger trophy wife now co-hosts his radio show. Wonder whether she had to Lysistrata her way into that gig . . .

  7. @Jim Newell: Actually, the GOP’s biggest problem with Scozzafava is that she (horror!) came out in support of same-sex marriage. You know the Republican rule… you can fuck underage Thai boys or suck off Minneapolis police officers until you’re blue in the face and red in the balls, but GOD FORBID you should let members of the same gender get all married and shit. That just wouldn’t be right!

    /nosnark

    Also, Fred Thompson is a doughy pantload with a cheezy pervstache. THE END.

  8. Wait a minute! I can’t believe no one has noted that this guy’s name is HOFFMAN. Excuse me? Hoffman? “Grandpa YOU VOTED FOR A JEW! Did you think you were voting for the mayor of Hollywood or something?”

  9. [re=444240]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Yeah, I actually thought that Dede’s stance on these issues were shockingly progressive for her district. I can see where real Murcans might be upset and start starching their pretty white hooded robes in protest.

  10. [re=444240]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Actually Scozzafava’s problem is that she looks rather unfortunately not unlike Miss Piggy dressed in pink. Sounds like a somewhat decent candidate otherwise.

  11. Hey. Fred Thompson says Doug Hoffman is “just like us”. Won’t those upstaters be in for a rude surprise when they realize they’ve elected an agnostic nancy boy who believes in race mixing.

    Gooble gobble, Fred!

  12. I for one welcome our new Conservative movers and shakers. I truly wish from the depths of my loins that we can be as fortunate as to have Glenn Beck involved in electoral politics someday.

  13. Wait, Fred Thompson’s not a career politician anymore? Fuck me, I pegged the guy all wrong. Just lemme send him a mercury-laced apple pie for being such a damn good neighbor.

  14. We can only expect that The Fred Thompson Effect will do to the Hoffman campaign what it did to “Law and Order” ratings. Tanks a lot, Fred!

  15. “He’ll come home when the job’s done.”

    A TRUE conservative waits until his 13-year-old boystitute has had his orgasm too before he comes home. And he’ll mop the flop sweat off the little feller’s taint while he’s at it. Because that’s just decent like.

  16. We need equal time. Why aren’t they having Vincent D’Onofrio and Mariska Hargitay running for office and endorsing candidates for Congress? Foul! Foul!

  17. [re=444332]ante meridiem[/re]: Actually Doug Houffman isn’t a neighbor in NY-23 . . . showing Thompson’s lying-sack-of-shitness streak that made every Republican SO excited about his chances in the Presidential Primaries.

    Hoffman lives out of district.

  18. A neighbor! Except if you are Fred Thompson’s neighbor, you are probably a ridiculously wealthy fuck, and probably not so in touch with the common man, so the argument is sort of counterproductive.

    [re=444345]proudgrampa[/re]: When a man and a woman love each other very much, they… well, err, so let me tell you a story about two kids named Levi and Bristol, who… well, that’s not it either.

  19. I made it all the way to “…broken promises…” before I broke my index finger in a frenzy to hit the mute button. Peck typing without an index finger sucks.

  20. That’s really an animatronic duplicate of the real Fred, who passed away several months ago. Version 7 should fix the jerky head bobs and allow the arms to move while it talks. You’ll see a lot of it in 2010.

  21. Bill Owens (the Dem) is an actual lawyer who happens to be MY actual lawyer for MY actual small business (for the record…I am not crushed by Obama’s taxes because one has to have an actual profit to be taxed crushingly…something most right wing nutjobs don’t get the concept of). He is a communist nazi which clearly is what I love about him. This whole race is getting crazy outta hand up here in district 23. Obvs I’m voting for good ole Commie pants over there but he has said he doesn’t think te gehys should get the marriage right which is confusing. Seriously…this is a fucked up district.

  22. [re=444482]eastcoastliberal[/re]: yes, I heard about all three of the candidates at a conference- seems like the Republican is more progressive than the Dem in some ways but thank goodness,you have a real rightwing true conservative base person to vote for up there.

  23. I love how it ends– [Thompson channeling Brimley]: “Send Washington a Message. Elect Doug Hoffman”. Then it shows Hoffman’s face– Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Snort Snort Something Just Exploded in My Pocket Protector! I’m Doug Hoffman!!

  24. Trash’s way of saying “I’m cool and/or unemployed” is to grow a weirdo stubble moustache with possible stubble beard combination. The Jesus goblin version is the enormous soul patch (gag).

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