rumors on the internets

Jesus Died For You, But He Totally Could Have Put You In A Headlock If He Hadn’t

  • If the Phillies win the World Series, Charles Schumer will give Arlen Specter a cheesecake and Kristen Gillibrand. BUT, if the Phillies lose the World Series, Charles Schumer will give Arlen Specter Kristen Gillibrand. Quite the wager. [The Caucus]
  • Remember that part in the Bible — Chapter 3? — when Jesus decides to clothesline a downtrodden leper, who only wanted a glass of water and maybe a few soothing words to ease his suffering? That was really out of character, but a superb plot twist. [True/Slant: Harmon Leon]
  • Gorbachev talks about the Nobel Peace Prize, Barack Obama, and his upcoming solo album. [The Cable]
  • You have every right to be angry that Columbia students made a very offensive rap about FOX news, but at least be happy that you are not flushing $80,000 down the toilet in J-school. [Gatway Pundit]
  • Hezbollah cooked up a two-ton bowl of hummus and then invited the entire Middle East to the grandest hummus party in recorded history, while Israel — who for obvious reasons was not invited — sat at home and sulked. [Matt Yglesias]
Related

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

1 comment

  1. Mahousu

    Seeing as hummus is not cooked, Israel should feel relieved – it was obviously some sort of Hezbollah practical joke.

  2. badmuthagoose

    Meh. I live in the South and the whole Rasslin’ for Jesus melodrama is SO played out. That part of Georgia is a bit behind the trend line in the “Do Anything to Get Warm Bodies In Your Church” game.

    Nowdays, they entice the teens in with promises of chugging a lot of Red Bull and then doing spontaneous poetry slams all about how much they love Jesus. While bug-eyed, shaking, and sweating. Then they buy a $25 t-shirt to commemorate the action and have to write down the names of 100 friends they can bring to the next SPEED 4 JESUS do.

  3. queeraselvis v 2.0

    So I’m just wondering: if all the Gateway Pundit commentators shut their mouths, would they all die of oxygen deprivation?

  4. Mahousu

    Criticizing Fox News is a Crime Against Journalism. Those Columbia students are going to have their press passes revoked before they even get them.

  5. bitchincamaro

    My brother “lived” in Winterville, GA and couldn’t wait to get the fuck out. Now I see why. Trouble is, he moved to Butthole, Maine.

  6. RoscoePColtraine

    Meh. Back in the old testament, the rasslin’ went on all night long. And ended up with more splooge.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    Homoeroticism in the service of fundamentalist religion — okay, I’ve seen it all now.

  8. chascates

    From a Gateway commentor:
    This seals the deal for me, my kids will never attend one of these so called Ivy League schools. They are havens for communists. It’s disgraceful what some so called American citizens have become. I wish they would all move to Cuba and get out of our lives, they’re like a cancer on this country.

    I’m just guessing your kids will >b>not have to worry about being admitted to an Ivy League school. Better am for one of those bible colleges in the hills someplace.

  9. Come here a minute

    I wonder if the object of that wager is any relation to Kirsten Gillibrand. Specter can have her, too.

  10. user-of-owls

    [re=443883]Extemporanus[/re]: Which could make a huge difference if it was a single-digit game.

  11. assistant/atlas

    Did anyone watch that journalism/Fox rap video thingie? Are j-schools now located in churches from the future?

  12. user-of-owls

    [re=443883]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=443902]user-of-owls[/re]: Could allow the underdog to nose out a victory.

  13. PoignancySelz

    [re=443905]Barrett808[/re]: Oh yeah, just click the enlarge button, yo, she could play in my foursome anyday…

  14. Extemporanus

    [re=443910]user-of-owls[/re]: Such a face-off rarely ends in sudden death, especially when the star quarterback throws his arm out.

  15. Lazy Media

    J-school is the new fine arts degree. In the future, all news will be reported by independently wealthy dilettantes.

  16. Lazy Media

    [re=443829]Mahousu[/re]: Try making hummus with uncooked, dry chickpeas. Canned chickpeas are ALREADY cooked.

  17. gurukalehuru

    Bondage! These chains represent bondage! To be fair, he didn’t actually make it sound like that was a bad thing.

  18. PoignancySelz

    [re=443915]Extemporanus[/re]: Or gets crucified.
    I’ve always wanted to see Jesus playing college football.
    OOh he breaks the huddle in his tunic and crown of thorns and back hands the centers spandex ass.

  19. user-of-owls

    [re=443915]Extemporanus[/re]: With all the face-masks and dropped balls, it’s amazing Molokai High receivers managed to shed enough coverage to rack up so many yards.

  20. user-of-owls

    [re=443922]Lazy Media[/re]: Swear to magog when I first read it, I thought you were suggesting a variation on Hannibal Lecter’s recipe, substituting ‘uncooked, dry chickpeas’ for fava beans.

  21. Mahousu

    [re=443922]Lazy Media[/re]: Duh. But as the article makes clear, they started with pre-cooked – in fact, pre-mashed – chickpeas.

  22. JSDC007

    Considering that any first grader (or even two cats) can make a video lampooning Fox News, those students deserve a big fat F.

  23. lawrenceofthedesert

    Splotchychev is still good at talking outta both sides of his flapper, which he should stuff with hummus. Kristen, otoh, might want to become more hummusphobic and sveltomaniac. Israel should stick with pastrami, which builds character. Columbia students should eat whatever they want, except for on camera talent, and dance all night on top of Faux News. Their group could be called Hummus & Jethro. Or not.

  24. Extemporanus

    [re=443927]user-of-owls[/re]: Yeah, the Molokai High Lazars showed real guts, and definitely deserved to come out ahead: They kept their eyes on the prize, ran their asses off, and fought tooth and nail until the very end.

    Now if you’ll please excuse me, I really need to take a knee. (Hey, there’s one!)

    [re=443925]PoignancySelz[/re]: Every play would be a Hail Mary, and every reception Immaculate.

  25. DangerousLiberal

    Ok, let me see….right wing nutter site. Weird latin shit on top with a crucified Jeezus. And a banner ad on the right for….books? From alibris.com? WTF? Maybe the Latin threw them off. Or they’re having a sale on the Index Prohibitorum. Except for being Papist, it fits these assklowns perfectly.

  26. hobospacejunkie

    [re=443918]Lazy Media[/re]: Hear, hear. Spending $$, any $$ at all, on j school is like hoarding Deutsch Marks or French Francs. It costs you a ton of money to collect something that is ultimately worthless, plus everyone you lnow or meet is entitled to laugh heartily at your expense.

  27. LowerdPeninsula

    College students bashing FOX as part of a class project? Why, I never! Some getting me my smell salts; I’m getting the vapahs, I do say.

    I agree with [re=443935]JSDC007[/re]. This shit is a dime-a-dozen. An epic “F” for being so pedestrian and cliched. You’re fired, Columbia J-School.

  28. LowerdPeninsula

    But, really, guys, everyone should try fucking with their priest by talking dirty-sexy to him during a confessional at least once in your life. Oh, and do it in a the voice of a little boy or girl; hell get as much satisfaction out of it as you will, maybe even more.

Comments are closed.