Wonkette
It is a fact of Washington politics and future Washington politics that Newt Gingrich will be forced to run as the GOP’s Presidential candidate in 2012. You can tell this is most definitely the case because, um, A. Tim Pawlenty B. Bobby Jindal, C. Mitt Romney and D. Others (??). Anyway, how stoked is Newt Gingrich?? “Callista and I are going to think about this in February 2011. And we are going to reach out to all of our friends around the country. And we’ll decide, if there’s a requirement as citizens that we run, I suspect we probably will. And if there’s not a requirement, if other people have filled the vaccum, I suspect we won’t.” No one tell Sarah Palin about Gingrich’s funsy new campaign slogan: “If You Insist!” [Political Wire]
Newt Slogan: “Relevant like’s it’s 1999!”
I call bullshit on the whole thing. Does he even really have friends?
“Newt in 2012: Because even this pudgy dickfore has the right to get buttfucked on national TV once every four years by a big map of blue-colored states.”
Unlike John Cleese’s witch-afflicted character in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this Newt didn’t get better.
That photo shows his groinal region, all stretched tight and, well, thats just unnecessary, really, really unnecessary. He’s clearly no Dick Chenbey, though.
Appropriately enough, an anagram for Newt Gingrich is Rich Gent Wing.
“if there’s a requirement as citizens that we run”
Little-known fact: community street organizer Barack Obama will require every American citizen to run for president in 2012. It’s part of his plan to boost participation in American democracy!
The photo brings to mind the obvious conundrum about Newt: is he a bear fucker, a bare fucker, or barely a fucker? Discuss.
Who says the Republicans hate the environment? They reduce, reuse, and recycle their politicians until they either die, go full-racist, or collapse into a quivering pile of talking points, my friends.
memzilla:
Also,
went ching, grin
His wife better keep her health if she wants to keep her husband, if you get my drift.
Just like 2000 and 2004, he’ll keep talking about running as a way to get the cable stations to keep booking him, then decide not to at the last moment. Man just wants his face on the TV.
Newt Gingrich: staging a comeback like yesterday’s double-bean burrito. O hai!
Halloween at Newt’s must be spectacular with all the skeletons he has in his closet. Run Newt run. There’s not much people like more than a good crash and burn.
“‘If you insist’” - Monday Morning Genius!
Newt Gingrich is married to Ally McBeal?
Did he say that “we” might run? I rememember Republicans HOWLING that the newly elected Bill Clinton said of his wife that America was getting a “two-fer”. SHE wasn’t elected! How dare she get involved in presidential politics???
Well, times change. Now Mrs. Clinton is Secretary of State and Newt is a washed-up history teacher with too much time on his hands.
Callista? Oh, you mean your third wife! 23 years younger than you… the former hill staffer you were fooling around with on your second wife? Should be a fun primary.
Also: when did Republican sexual predilections come to include underage polar bears??
Contract with “Retardia”
Rosie Scenario: you beet me too it.
Someone should tell Newt that the proper way for former GOP bigwigs to demean themselves for national attention is going on reality TV shows. I’m thinking America’s Next Top Model for Newt.
Prommie: He doesn’t have a colostomy bag in his trousers?
Who is this “Callista” - his life coach? He can’t mean his wife. I thought he only consulted with them about when they should get the hell out of his life and die.
“And we’ll decide, if there’s a requirement as citizens that we run, I suspect we probably will. And if there’s not a requirement, if other people have filled the vaccum, I suspect we won’t.”
What’s this “we” crap? I know Newtie is an Angolphile, but even he should know that Americans fought a revolution to end use of the “Royal We” in the U.S. of A.
Or, is Newt suggesting that he and wife #3 will run as a team — kinda like “Two for the price of one” Bill and Hillary Clinton, which was something that Newt objected to at the time. Kinda like how Newt objected to Bill’s strumping of interns while having fooled around on wife #1, and then wife #2.
“if there’s a requirement as citizens that we run…”
Don’t you all see? There’s a “requirement”! Newt doesn’t wanna do it, but has to, because there’s a “requirement.” It’s a(n) historical necessity that Newt run!
Meanwhile Barry’s thinking: please, please let it be Newt…
Slim. Tall. Anglo-Saxon. Conventionally Protestant, and not too loud about it - yet. Capable of outperforming a coin flip in distinguishing between his own ass and a hole in the ground.
If this sounds like you, please visit the new GOP.com. Change the game, playa!
Newt Gingrich is running because “he has ideas.”
Ideas like how to dump your wife on her death bed, then how to dump the woman you cheated with, and marry “Calista.”
Newt Gingrich is a regular Henry VIII. Anoint him king, and AmeriKa will live through its Gingrich Dynasty, which is a bit like the Stuart-Tudor dynasty, but much, much trashier.
norbizness: Romanes eunt domus, Newt.
memzilla: And you can make “Reich” too, but then, unfortunately, you run out of vowels.
memzilla: Wait, “Newton Leroy Gingrich” becomes “Whining Electron Orgy”.
What the hell does Ally McBeal have anything to do with this?
To be fair, Newt has been positioning himself right there at the line between “Wingnut” and “Wingtard” for quite some time. According to him, while Nobama is no doubt a Marxits/Maoist/Nazi/Flaggelist/Jihadi/Kenyan/et al… it’s not yet time for armed insurrection. The Republicans need to win an election to demonstrate “The Country” is behind them before they throw out the constitution and start rioting.
As a result, he’s become the senior statesman and full blown “Republican Moderate” of the party. What this demonstrates is the “relativism” of politics. In a party of inbred rednecks who eat their own turds, the guy with a sheepskin from Oral Roberts U who only smears poop on the walls is the deep thinker and “voice of reason”.
V572625694: Don’t you all see? There’s a “requirement”!
I just checked and yeah, it’s on the syllabus. Paragraph 3: “if the field of Republicans consists of three certain losers, I am obligated to enlarge it to four”
Neut is simply adorable when he thinks anyone would vote for him to be president. Why Ms. Palin, with all her executive experience (more than Obama! Only dead fish go with the flow!) would wipe the floor with his ugly butt.
We could be looking at the first (republican) presidential primary with no actual winner, math be damned.
With his matinee-idol personality, marital fidelity track record and cutting-edge policy positions, how can he lose?
Memo to Wonkette: Effective immediately, Gingrich MUST be assigned a standard-reference nickname (à la WALNUTS!) for use in all subsequent posts, to assure his nomination.
Oh, the candidate debates we’ll see! Newt, Sarah, Mitt and Tim. Shoving each other stage left in a non-stop gaffe factory. Krazy, man. Krazy.
If Newt was Sports Team, Rush would try to own him.
Better campain slogan: Gingrich 2012: Filling the Vaccuum
I believe “The Vacuum” is supposed to be capitalized.
I wish that polar bear in the photo was about five years older. And very hungry.
FlownOver: How about Salamander?
Newt really thinks he’s going to be married to Callista in 2011?
Newt is shown priming the Insisters with a very special “Contract with the San Diego Zoo” moment. What a cute fuzzy bear! Like Butterstick, but indifferent to global warming. Newt’s Prenuptial Candidate Contract states that Callista is obligated to run with him as long as she is a. alive and b. married. Iron clad!
Not that I think the Wash. Post or Chris Cilleza know anything but his column today(hey, it’s funny) ends by saying that any GOP gathering that wants a crowd needs Princess Sarah to be there. How wonderful that an ill-educated, sub-intellect, unemployed grifter is the draw for the Republicans.
FlownOver: definitely need a nickname that reflects his unimpeachable ethics.
Callista tells me
the GOPers are sucking
Callista tells me
they’ve given up fucking alone
And now they’re so confused by their…slate of likely candidates
(Props for the Eno ref).
finallyhappy: Who doesn’t love Chrith Thillitha?
See I think Gingrich is perfect cause he fills the two most important qualifications: he resembles wonder bread less than Pawlenty and he craves the cock less than Crist. He’s also fatter than both, so there’s that. Real America!
FlownOver: Memo to Wonkette: Effective immediately, Gingrich MUST be assigned a standard-reference nickname (à la WALNUTS!) for use in all subsequent posts, to assure his nomination.
I vote we call him “Newt.” That one’s pretty hilarious.
PsycGirl:
Based on the photo I think we can safely say: “If there are three candidates for Preznit then I can make it five.”
This is great news. Besides my main skill, impersonating the greatest human type person ever, Santa Claus, I also am a dead ringer for Newt! Once, a person stopped in the super market and wanted to shake my hand for introducing the contract with merica or something. I played along and let them take my picture and everything. Now that I have an agent and all (need to renew the SAG card) maybe I can make some moola this time around.
BlueStateLibtard: Polar Bear? Wait, isn’t that McCain?
Lascauxcaveman:
The Great White Hopeless?
germansteel: His wife better keep her health if she wants to keep her husband, if you get my drift.
Based on that premise, if I was Calli, I’d be swilling cancer syrup or cream of ebola soup on a regular basis.
FlownOver: Hows about Newtered? Or The Grinch?
Look out little white Hessian! You’re about to get twatted! #1776
Pithaughn: Cool. You can be like Kevin Kline in “Dave.” Only evil.
elburrito: No no, family valuez is for demnocrats. And they get no credit for sticking with it either, see: Clintons.
He seems pretty confident that old Calista will still be in the picture in 2011, but if history tells us anything, she will not.
Reaganum Magnum / Newtius Maximus 2012
He’s running a savvy campaign already. This is actually the only photo prop in the nation that is whiter the Newt Gingrich. His people figure this should help him reach out to ‘the hood.’
hobospacejunkie: Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!
FlownOver: play on his name?
“noob”
Decker: It’s the third witch in Macbeth.
Perfect campaign image and slogan:
Image: Penis pump.
Slogan: Gingrich ‘12: Fill the Vacuum!
I hope to God the Republican primary in 2011 is just AWASH in old white guys. The older, whiter, maler, and fatter the better. I want them all to refer to “fountain pens” and “back when I was a boy.” I want them to be baffled by the newest anything. Bonus points if they refer to movie theaters as “nickelodeons.”
Newt is perfect. Old, white, male, AND fat. Run Newt, please.
mookworthjwilson: Ally McBeal was played by Calista Flockhart, who is not married to Newter, but instead is married or partnered (not sure) to the definitely not neutered Harrison Ford.
Nappied Hypotenuse:
He’s the air raid, he’s the siren
He’s the bomb and he’s the crater –
He’s on the menu, on the table
He’s the knife and he’s the waiter.
“Callista and I are going to think about this in February 2011″
“Unless she gets cancer and I divorce her while she’s in the hospital, like that last one.”
Zadig: Oh holy shit: “Wet Nylon Gringo Reich”
Magog: In fact, Harrison Ford for President! Who knows (or cares!) what his personal politics are? He will solve terrorism by letting all the terrorist groups get on board Air Force One, all at once, and personally kick all their asses simultaneously.
elburrito: Newt was having an affair when he all went off in public on Bill Clinton for having an affair?
As has been pointed out above, Ole Newt is a publicity whore who insists on inserting himself into the public eye. Or worse.
Sheer “Am I An Idiot?” InSannity can suck up to him asking him when he’s going to make a decision about running. As if anyone other than Newt really cares…
Zadig: Now that’s change I can believe in! But who would be his running mate? I vote for Sigourney Weaver / Lt. Ellen Ripley. Her tough stance on aliens should placate the anti-immigration crowd.
PsycGirl: Actually, that’s the default state.
Norbert: “Gingrich 2012: Keep On Suckin”
BRIAN ENO! BRIAN ENO! I LOVE THESE REFERENCES! THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO SMART & HIP! SILVER JEWS! BRIAN ENO!! WHAT’S NEXT, THE UNICORNS!??!
Carson: “like that last one”
That hospital divorce was TWO wives ago — but it is hard to keep score with Newtie.
McDuff: Damn your attention to detail! I stand corrected. Again.
Watch out, Calista. There’s lots of loose and rock-stupid women at these potential campaign events.
This is really great news. I see a very nasty 2012 GOP nomination process and probably 2 or 3 ‘third’ parties. Sarah. Newt. Mittens. Huckabear. Bachmann.
And there’s still the possibility of Bob Barr, Pat Buchanan, Charlie Crist, Rick Perry, Apu Jindal, the possibilities are amazing.
So is Callista the one he cheated with while his wife was in the hospital with cancer, or is that Edwards? I’m so confused.
Crow T. Robot: Or was it his sister or Dad who was gay?
AbstinenceOnly Ed: This calls for capital punishment. Since you no doubt favor such please spare Wonk the bother and behead yourself forthwith.
Full throated Mama Newt: “NEWTY! DID YOU GET MY CIGARETTES?!”
How long before he throws that polar bear baby under the bus, along with his last 17 wives?
badmuthagoose: With any luck, this would give him a heart attack. With any karmic luck, this “Callista” will serve him with divorce papers in the recovery room after his open-heart (he has a heart?) surgery.
1ofUS: BRIAN ENO LIVES IN ALL CAPS.
Anti Newt ad:
Video of Newt: “Filling your tires with air lines the pockets of big oil.”
[FADE TO BLACK]
Voiceover: “The man is an idiot.”
McDuff: Anglophile? I thought his role model in life was Ataturk!
Newt: only Republican bold enough to have sex with a reporter from notorious British Tabloid, The SUN!
FlownOver: “Newt Gingrich” isn’t enough to elicit giggles on its own?
Newt cannot be divorced from Luckless Loser #3 as he has decided to kiss the Pope’s ring and who knows what else and become a Roman Catholic. Given his politics, I presume because he heard that his odds of scoring with a preteen boy would improve that way.
So I predict she’ll get some horrible disease and he’ll go for annulment. After all, Teddy got one!